posted on August 16, 2001 12:10:46 AM
I remember standing by my Mom that afternoon when I was in 4th grade. Mom was peeling potatoes and putting them in a big pot to boil. I heard a screech and a thud. Mom set down her paring knife and said "That would be mine." She ran out the door, down the alley and knelt down and picked my brother up, lying in a pool of blood in the alley, my bicycle still under the wheel of the school bus. He was bleeding out of his eyes, ears, nose and mouth. I can close my eyes and see it as if it was yesterday - the blood pooling in his ears, the flies buzzing around, the blood running into the drain like it was rainwater.
She was so calm, so cool, as she stroked his head. "He's gonna be all right. It's gonna be OK."
Then I remember my father driving up - and sending him downtown to the hospital. Our lives were changed forever that day. My wonderful brother would never be the same - we would never be the same.
I remember Mom coming home and saying a man came into the room laughing. He said he was the one that hit my brother.
One day the brain surgeon came in and said the occipital bone (the pointy one at the base of the skull) which had been shattered in the accident had reformed. We had a documentable medical miracle. God had chosen to give me back my brother - and for that I will be eternally grateful.
Then I remember the man who used to come around with the stinky breath. He was with the insurance company. All Mom wanted was the bills paid - something to insure his future. There were pictures - my Mom's best friend had them. Her husband was the chief of police. Everything would be OK, she assured Mom.
Then the pictures disappeared. And Mom's best friend bought a house. Not even a nice one. The medical records were somehow changed ... everything was wrong.
Don's life will never be what it was supposed to be. It has been difficult. He has a split personality, has trouble holding jobs.
He cashed his check from the insurance company when he turned 18. His amount he received for his pain and suffering, his lifetime of disabilities?
posted on August 16, 2001 12:30:58 AM
When I was 19 I took a week's vacation from work while I was moving house. A close friend committed suicide on the Friday night and I spent a devastating weekend with our circle of friends being the "strong" one.
When I returned to work on Monday, the receptionist tells me my friend had called in to see me on the Friday morning because he had been around to my old address the night before and found I'd moved. She said he had left me a message. The note said "I'm sorry you weren't here. I'm going away. I'll miss you." I still had the change of address note I had neatly written on cream notepaper embossed with tiny hearts addressed to him in my bag. At that moment I stopped being strong.
posted on August 16, 2001 06:15:35 AM
I remember stitting in the Cleveland Clinic Hospice Unit, one year ago today, knowing that my dad would not live out the day. He didn't.
I remember my mom, my sister, and myself, acting like we had lost our minds, joking about stupid things like keeping Dad's ashes in a Heisey Dish because dad loved Heisey and would appreciate the humor.
I remember the hour long drive home in the middle of the night when it was over. My brother-in-law drove, and no one said a word.
posted on August 16, 2001 06:59:36 AM "I dont think I would have survived my own horrors if it wasnt for my pets. They loved me, they were there for me, and they kept me sane. I have had pets before PeggySue, and pets after. I love/loved them all because they didnt judge, or turn their back, or beat me, or hurt me."
WOW, you guys! And hepburn, bunni, and victoria I sure do share your pains! Having survived (?) some horrific childhood experiences also I, well I just don't even know what to say...
I remember many horrible things from my childhood but I think one thing that I will never forget was, at 16, when I told my mother that I wished I was dead and she went into her bedroom and brought out a rifle and handed it to me...At that time I wished I had the guts to do it just to spite her. I remember she told me she hated me. I remember she blamed us kids for all of her divorces. I remember each and every horrible name she ever called me. I remember that I wet the bed til I was 12 and I remember her forcing me to drink urine.
I hated her for so long. Now I don't feel anything but I know I never respected her and never will.
Getting back to the quote from hepburn, OMG! I have felt that same way all my life. Animals are pure and they won't call you names and beat you and make you hurt in so many awful ways like humans do.
Thanks everyone. I am crying for all of us right now...
posted on August 16, 2001 07:09:21 AMspaz - What a horrible horrible trick they played on you kids. That just blows my mind. What the hell is wrong with some parents?
I never had kids and that is as it should be. I am certain that I'm too full of resentment. Sometimes we make it past these things and say that we will do better but, I truly believe for some of us, we would not have been able to do so and would have just perpetuated the damage inside us.
posted on August 16, 2001 07:48:23 AM
I remember.....
My mother saying, "You killed him". Being 6, playing with my best friend, he fell down the basement stairs...
Coke was only a drink until my older brother Frank showed me a new version at 10...
At 11, my first sexual expierence with my brothers girlfriends sister, who was 24...
At 12, the first time I was arrested...
And re-arrested many times after that for wonderful personality traits like: dealing drugs, A&B (assualt and battery), theft, starting fires and several other things...
At 16, watching my friend stick a 12 gauge in his mouth while on acid and demonstraiting what 00 buck does to ones skull..
At 17, deliberately running over a "competitor" with my car and only getting a slap on the wrist...
At 18, auctually graduating high school, and having the principal telling me "See you in the obit's soon, eh Rick"..
Could go on almost forever...
Rick
In the begining, God created the heavens and the earth.
posted on August 16, 2001 08:00:03 AM
I remember being 11 years old living on a small farm in Kansas. I was home alone on this particular day. I was in a hurry to get my chores done and I was running down to the hog pen when I tripped and went down hard. Ripped my leg open badly right below the knee, down to the bone (I fell on a rock). I was really scared but calm at the same time. I called my mom (at work) and she called the Sheriff because that was the first thing she could think of--she was many miles away in downtown Kansas City at the time. It was a rural area in 1970--miles from any help. Now it's more or less a suburb of Kansas City (the farm is gone--replaced by a subdivision).
For such a horrible wound it was pretty amazing to me that it didn't bleed a lot. Took the doctor quite a while and about 50 stitches to close it.
[ edited by loosecannon on Aug 17, 2001 07:23 AM ]
posted on August 16, 2001 08:36:23 AM
I remember a very lonely childhood.
Age 5: Baby sister died of a hole in her heart at 6 mo. old.
Age 8: Father killed coming home from work, by a drunk driver.
Mother starts working non-stop to keep us off welfare, so I essentially lost both parents then.
Age 9: Best friend/cousin died falling out of a tree.
Age 10: Soon-to-be step-father killed by 'friendly' fire in Vietnam War.
Best friends' mother wouldn't let us be friends any more because I was "maturing faster", whatever that means.
Mother starts 'partying' and staying out all night leaving us kids not knowing where she is or when she is coming home. Various men and drinking episodes over the next few years.
Age 11: Molested by step-father, didn't understand but told mom, had to go to court and testify, felt guilty that I 'took' her husband away, no counseling, didn't understand for years what all happened as it wasn't talked about again.
Had 3 step-fathers in all, but not that problem again.
Years of living with the threat that mom would send my brother to military school if he didn't behave.
Age 15: Mom gives baby up for adoption as she already had 4 and could hardly work enough to support us. (That really tore me up.)
Years of partying, staying out all night, in minor trouble a few times, etc.--things a teenaged girl shouldn't have been doing.
Age 17: Grandpa died.
Moved from home and adopted a new family, things looking up.
In and out of bad relationships, abused physically, emotionally, and verbally.
Several more friends and family die at various times, 4 within 7 months.
Learned about abuse and how to avoid it.
Also learned stronger faith in a higher power which I call God.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hug for all}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
God bless each of you for what you have been through.
posted on August 16, 2001 08:44:30 AM
I remember sitting at my fathers side, reading the book of Psalms, in a cold sterile hospital room. Telling him I forgave him for all of his abuse. Telling him it was okay to go home now. Watching him raise his hand to his mouth, like he was still at the bar having one for the road. Watching his heart rate get slower & slower. Rubbing his hair off his forehead. Wishing I had more time. Watching him die.
I remember my oldest brother in the grip of whatever drugs he had in his system that night getting in a fight with my grandmother. She was boiling water for something, and picked it up to hurl at him. He picked up his three year old sister (me) and held me in front of him. I got the burns. After that, he had her on the couch choking her.
I remember the same brother breaking my aunt's wrist because she wouldn't "lend" him $20.
I remember my mom throwing a desk phone at my head during one of those teenage daughter/mother fights. Left a dent in the wall. Good thing I ducked.
I remember a stupid senseless fight with my first love and best friend in the world that resulted in us not speaking for seven years.
I remember getting the letter from a mutual acquaintance that he was dead of AIDS at the age of 33 without us having made peace. (Yes, I see you in my dreams.)
I remember my mother sobbing for her own mother in the days before she died.
I remember the day my mother died, and the mortuary sent the two skinniest old men in the city to pick up her body. My husband had to help them get her on the gurney.
I remember finally finding my father after his complete absence for my entire life, and him telling me "let me know when you are going to be back in NM - I'll come up and we can see each other". When the trip was scheduled, he lived right down to my expectations and "couldn't make it", even with a four month notice.
I remember miscarrying a baby I wanted so much in the middle of the night.
I remember when my daughter was born nine weeks early. And I remember the hell we went through for the next six weeks while she battled every infection you could imagine as she fought to live. I remember living 100 miles away from my husband and son so I could be there with her...just in case.
posted on August 16, 2001 12:19:01 PM
Thank you for this thread. I want to send hugs to each of you and let everyone know that although we don't always agree I feel blessed to have all of you here. Sometimes the best kinds of friends are those who don't really know us - for you can be truly honest without fear of repercussions.
Owning retail businesses in a small town means everyone knows who you are - and you cannot leave your guard down. Quite frankly, sometimes I get tired of pretending that everything is OK, that I like everyone. I would so love to walk up to Toots and tell her what I really think of her.
The thing that gets me through the long days is the knowledge that God never closes a door without opening a window. I hope you can find your windows - and there is a beautiful view from it.
posted on August 16, 2001 01:08:25 PM
As I drove around today, lucky to be alive, lucky to have a good man love me, lucky to be a mom, lucky to live in a beautiful community, lucky to be able to afford some new clothes for the kids...I couldn't get this thread out of my mind. Things in my life right now are difficult, and had almost consumed me with pain, UNTIL, I read the posts here. The things that many of you have survived put my issues into prospective. And I want to thank those who shared, for you have helped me tremendously.
I wish I had some words to comfort you all, but I think Mrs.Claus said it best (Hope you don't mind if I repeat you MC) God never closes a door without opening a window . I hope you can find your windows - and there is a beautiful view from it. God Bless Us All....
posted on August 16, 2001 01:14:38 PM
((((((((((((((BECKY))))))))))))))))))))!!!!!
You said it!
The other thing that I have learned in this crazy life is that even with all of the bad there is SO much beauty. And that people are basically good (more good than bad anyway).
Rancher-- I was just posting this and mentioning the beauty when I read your post! :0) Great minds, you know....
posted on August 16, 2001 01:55:18 PM
Maybe I am too empathetic. It hurt bad hearing the tales of mistreatment especially during childhood.
I had a bit of emotional abuse but nothing like what some of you had. I had very little physical abuse because I was big very early and had my own gun when I was 12. I have to admit that I had good self protective instincts early and I can thank my parents for that. So when my weird cousin tried to get me naked in the garage at 8 I could tell him to take is own pants off if he wanted but I would keep mine thank you. He was about 15 but at 8 I would have had a thumb in his eye and kicked the crap out of him if he got his grubby mits on me.
The commonness of sexual abuse makes me ashamed of my sex. Have they no TASTE?
So sorry for all of you but glad you can get it off your chest here semi-anomomously.
There were a few times we really did not have food in the house when I was young, and I can remember having one pair of jeans nad having to wash them at night so I could wear them the next day, but you know what? That is not so important to a kid as emotional things.
posted on August 16, 2001 02:01:24 PM
The resilience of the human spirit, the hope for a better tomorrow, the belief that we can make things better....the survival instinct...Hooray for all that have come this far! And to try to take in the beauty around you it eases a lot of pain in many ways. {{{{{to all}}}}}
posted on August 16, 2001 02:12:06 PM
Rancher, I was thinking the same thing today. The little stuff is nothing compared to what some of these folks have experienced. Puts my own thoughts in perspective, too. Well said
posted on August 16, 2001 04:05:41 PMGravid - Wow! You know, I was just talking about that the other day to someone I know...
We were very poor and life was not so good when I was growing up. My mother was married MANY times and 3 of her husbands abused me and I had many horrors, a couple of which I mentioned earlier. Anyway, of all the awful memories from my childhood that haunt me now many years later, being poor was NOT one of them! At the time it pretty much sucked to not have nice things, etc, but I am not the least bit scarred from having been poor. I am, however, very scarred from the things that hurt me inside. (Working on it, tho!)
I'd also like to add my thanks to everyone for sharing. Sometimes you just have no idea that others can share your own brand of pain.....
posted on August 17, 2001 09:31:18 AM
Triggerfish ~
Actually, being poor growing up is what made me who I am today. When you are not surrounded by excess things, things do not become important in your life - people do.
To this day any member of my immediate family will drop everything and come running if any other member needs them. It is wonderful knowing I have that safety net - it is one of the most important things I have.
posted on August 17, 2001 09:44:04 AM
In boarding school, I was forced to eat leeks in vinaigrette....which I COULD NOT STAND...Well,, I won't give you the nasty details... But I assure you, they never pulled that stunt again....Oh! Yea! I did lose a couple of friends, who happened to be sitting next to me...
******** Gosh Shosh! My "About Me" Page
posted on August 17, 2001 03:41:17 PM
Hi, Hepburn...I just did not want to get depressed I could tell a LOT of very sad things...It's easy when you are a Jew from the "Old Country"...But I'll stick to my "leeks in vinaigrette"...
******** Gosh Shosh! My "About Me" Page
posted on August 17, 2001 04:38:40 PM
I can not begin to tell you all how much I am moved buy some of these posts and I want to say that my heart sincerely goes out to you.
I can count my many blessings that I never suffered some of these horrors with my only really bad memories surrounding my father's alcohol abuse, and he was for the most part an abesent parent so even in that I was spared.
I truely believe that my mother and grandparents prayed for me and that I was protected many times. Only when I decided to make some very bad choices in early adulthood and turn from God did my life go the bad way.
The climax was June 6, 1986 when I was abducted and held hostage for 6 hours by an aquaintance of 1 hour and then the following horrible court proceedings which I kept a secret from my family for many years. I was 21. After that my life turned around and though I don't believe that God was "punishing" me, I believe that my poor choices directly lead me into this situation. I can remember 100 other times that something horrible could/should have happened to me and there is no other explaination but that God was protecting me. Maybe His patience finally ran out.
At any rate, this incident woke me up and changed my path. I began to pray for some things after that (including a forgiving heart) and I have been blessed with all of them in the most awesome ways...a husband that loves me, children, a home, and yes, forgivness in my heart.
T
posted on August 17, 2001 07:22:39 PM
This thread has been so hard for me to read. My heart goes out to each of you. {{{{{hugs to you all}}}}}
I have experienced many of the same things you have shared. To me it's especially damaging because they were done by those who were supposed to be our loving caretakers, our protectors, our parents. I've always thought most children from disfunctional homes, spend their adult lives working through those childhood issues. I know I've come a long way with mine and I wish you all healing and happiness in your lives.
posted on August 17, 2001 07:42:54 PM
Linda: Yup, you're sure correct about that. I have learned many things in therapy but one of the foundations is that ingrained in me is the inability to trust or depend upon anyone because the child that I was many years ago knows that if I make myself vulnerable they will hurt me. I'm not sure of anything and I honestly don't understand the concept of faith. (I mean, obviously, I know what it is from an intellectual standpoint but I don't have a grasp of it within myself in real life)
Survivors, yes! My only kind-of regret is that I didn't get help earlier in life for the depression & post traumatic stress syndrome. Just have to go on and start being better NOW and I'm hoping to learn what being happy is so I can do some of that too cuz that sounds pretty cool!
posted on August 17, 2001 08:05:36 PM
Triggerfish, you know what faith is to me?
It's leaping off the bridge head first when you absolutely KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt you can NOT swim.
It's praying, "God, I KNOW that you DO NOT EXIST so if you do then MAKE me believe at ANY cost." ..and then patiently waiting for the answer to knock you down.
T
I mean, really...if He doesn't exist...then what have you got to lose?
[ edited by jt on Aug 17, 2001 08:14 PM ]
