posted on August 17, 2001 08:20:00 PM
I find it interesting that all of the pop psychology you hear says that the abused become the abusers. While AW is probably not representative of the world at large, still I think it interesting the we fly in the face of popular medical science in that none of us are ( or have admitted to being) violent.
I've never had therapy, and it's only by looking at my life retrospectly (as the years go by) that I have had insight into just how many ways I was an incomplete person. Although I was raised Catholic, I'm not even sure I qualify as Christian anymore. I define myself more by what I don't believe in than what I do.
For years I could watch the most awful things on TV and feel nothing. While I could feel a sort of empathy for others, it was fairly shallow & short-lived. Although I practiced giving to charity, it was in a 3rd person sort of way, and it brought me no real pleasure. I am by nature suspicious, judgemental and unforgiving of anyone outside of my immediate family (husband & children). I just don't tell these other people what I think. I am actually somewhat xenophobic, but they don't know that either.
I never verbally express anger. When I was really angry, I slept. The year before my divorce I think I spent 1/2 of my non-working hours asleep. I don't believe I've ever had a shouting match with anyone. For years I was described as caustic or bitter. You don't have to raise your voice to be sarcastic. And I'm pretty good at that. When I was tranferred from one of the places that I worked, the plaque they gave me had a struck-out smiley face, because my reputation was that I never smiled. And I didn't. Work has always been serious to me, and I took pleasure only in my ability to succeed. Alone.
I never learned to make friends, and even now, in my 40's, have no one I call friend.
As I write these things about myself, I seem pathetic and twisted, but I'm actually much improved as a person since I remarried. I'm very happy with my present life. I am married, with 1 child at home, and I retired, they have to pay me now until I die. I'm used to being alone, as I am all day. I don't miss my family because I've been separated from them all since I was 18 and only see a scant few of them twice a year. I did finally learn some empathy, I reserve it for children and victims of violence or tragedy. I'm still pretty judgemental and I don't have any sympathy for someone who just seems to be a slacker.
I probably wouldn't be putting so much emphasis on these early years if my mother hadn't let stepguy move back in with her this year. He's sickly now, and she's been lonely since stepfather #2 died (I liked him, and let my daughter call him grandpa, but he reverted to alcoholism and died of its complications).
I've refused to visit her unless stepguy moves out while I'm there. She has only recently admitted that at some point she knew about him, the drugs and her children (but not anything else he did), but she won't admit to her alcoholism or that there was anything wrong with the family during those growing up years. If it wasn't for my loyalty to my mentally handicapped sister who lives with her, I might have abandoned my misguided loyalty to the rest of them years ago.
posted on August 17, 2001 08:35:29 PM
Faith is like believing in gravity. Though I hadn't really thought about it in some time, and I can't touch it or show it to a friend, today when another 5'X5' chunk of my ceiling crashed down, I said "AH-HA! I remember you!"
T
posted on August 17, 2001 11:12:30 PM
Actually, I read mine to Hayley - and found myself crying. Thank you for giving me an easier way to tell a difficult story to someone who considers Uncle Donny to be her favorite uncle.
posted on August 17, 2001 11:31:46 PM
{{{Triggerfish}}} start being better NOW and I'm hoping to learn what being happy is so I can do some of that too cuz that sounds pretty cool.
It is!!!! I wish I had some special words to help your journey be an easier one. You will find it (happiness), because you want it and are seeking it. I know you will.
My childhood situation was a lot easier than most. I was well aware that the things I was experiencing were not happening in my friends families/homes. And I've always believed because I had some balance in my life it made things more bearable. That balance was my grandparents. I lived with them three months out of every year. At different times when the situation at home became unbearable, I'd go live with my friends family for a few months. I saw the love, respect and caring in these homes and they loved and treated me like one of their own. So I was blessed in that way. And, over the years, I've shared with them how much I appreciated the love they gave me, and what a difference it made in my life.
Victoria I once asked that question of a counselor. Their answer was the people who were abused and seek help are more likely to not continue the cycle. The ones who were abused and don't, are the ones more likely to keep the abusive cycle going. Those people don't feel they have a problem. We tend to 'parent' by example (what we learned). But the cycle can be broken. Don't know how true that is statistically.
For my own (immediate) family all I know is that we treasured our sons. They were planned and very much wanted and I know they felt the love we had for them. They've told us so.....and we believe them.
posted on August 18, 2001 12:42:18 AM
I'm not sure of anything and I honestly don't understand the concept of faith. (I mean, obviously, I know what it is from an intellectual standpoint but I don't have a grasp of it within myself in real life)
(Triggerfish)
You have faith and lots of it, you may not apply it to spiritual beliefs, but you have it.
Every time you turn on a faucet you have faith that the water will come out; every time you flip a light switch you have faith that the light will come on; every time you turn the key you have faith that the car will start (all created by man); every night you have faith that the sun will shine tomorrow (whose creation is that? Yet you know it will happen just the same.).......In fact, you have soooo much faith in these things that you ACT on them, PLAN for them, you KNOW they will happen and it becomes automatic and these things happen without you having to put further effort or thought into them.
The difference between belief, trust, and faith:
You are standing by Niagra Falls and a man walks up pushing a wheelbarrow. There is a tightrope stretched all the way across the falls in front of you. He says, "Do you believe that I can walk across the falls on a tightrope pushing this wheelbarrow?"
You reason it out and know that people have walked tightropes, etc. So you say, "Yes, I believe you."
So the man walks across and back. He says, "Do you trust that I can walk across this tightrope pushing this wheelbarrow?"
You reason it out. I believed in him and he has already done it once, etc. "Yes", you say, "I trust you can walk the tightrope pushing a wheelbarrow."
He says, "But do you have faith that I can walk this tightrope pushing this wheelbarrow and safely reach the other side?"
You reason it out, I've believed, he's done it, I've trusted, etc. "Sure I have faith.", you tell him.
"So get in the wheelbarrow then", he says, "and I'll push you across."
posted on August 18, 2001 07:15:32 AMsimco - Your example was absolutely wonderful. Well stated.
Terri You sound like you also enjoyed a wonderful relationship with your grandparents. Yes, you and I were very blessed in knowing and feeling that *special* love. As I grew older and was able to appreciate more their role in my life. I realized that what they were able to give me was unconditional love.
VictoriaAs I write these things about myself, I seem pathetic and twisted.....
You don't come across that way to me. When I read what you've written I see a person who was wounded as a child. Physical wounds take different amounts of times to heal, according to how severe they were. I believe the same is true with emotional wounds. They heal, but take time. It sounds like you're healing with the support of those who love you and with whom you are able to trust.
posted on May 27, 2002 06:18:38 PM
Helen, you are not going to run me out of RT. Why cant you just leave it alone? I did NOT post that other thread to diss you. Like I said, it made ME look bad in that thread, but I chose not to dwell on it from what was done THEN. This is NOW. Cant you just let it go?
[ edited by hepburn101 on May 27, 2002 06:19 PM ]
posted on May 27, 2002 07:56:45 PM
nycyn, I didnt bring it back. Helen did. As paybacks for what she percieves to be my ulterior motives. Again, I didnt bring up the other thread for anything except the "Remember When" posts that were made in a fun way.
posted on May 27, 2002 08:10:05 PM
Oh, Hepburn, you never are at fault, are you? You never have ulterior motives? How about calling me a drunk. Couldn't that be considered an ulterior motive? Or is that just innunendo that you spread across the internet. Or, after I managed to forgive and forget this and welcome you back and even your friend back, you post the link to the thread,"I Remember When", which you know is not flattering because you and your friend blast me and my friend? Give me a break!!!!
I have no intention to remove you from RT. I'm just a poster here. But rest assured that I will not tolerate any more BS from you. I can drudge up just as many threads as you can.
posted on May 27, 2002 11:58:44 PM
I was so sad to read this thread and learn of people I consider old friends horrible childhoods and losses. I'm sorry for all of you but I also want you to know that I would have never guessed any of this from interacting with you. You are all for the most part friendly, upbeat and playful which really tells me that you have dealt with your past and have come out on top. You are learned and articulate and caring.
posted on May 28, 2002 12:33:15 AM
Hmmm, interesting thread. "Sorry" I missed it the first time (ha ha).
Bad memory? Well, when I was in medic training I went to see an autopsy. It was pretty gross. They cut the guy (traffic accident) up the middle, then sawed off the top of his head, removed the brain, etc. The smell was pretty bad.
On the way to that autopsy, I noticed in another room a body that had been dead for a while. It was bloated, black and covered with maggots.
I wish I had some special words to help your journey be an easier one. You will find it (happiness), because you want it and are seeking it. I know you will.
