posted on February 4, 2003 06:30:16 AM new
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when
Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at
the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue
playing standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's going to tell his wife?"
They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet,
be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my
middle name, leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife
answers and asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
posted on February 4, 2003 06:41:44 AM new
Got this from a friend today. I've seen this sort of thing happen!!
TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR
TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR ......
14 Pass My Shotgun
13 Psychotic Mood Shift
12 Perpetual Munching Spree
11 Puffy Mid-Section
10 People Make Me Sick
9 Provide Me with Sweets
8 Pardon My Sobbing
7 Pimples May Surface
6 Pass My Sweatpants
5 Pissy Mood Syndrome
4 Plainly ... Men Suck
3 Pack My Stuff
2 Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
And the number 1 is ...
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this damn house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even care that the stupid bulb is BURNED OUT!
They would sit in the dark for DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to FIND the lightbulbs despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID DAMN BULBS CAME IN! WHY?
BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE STUPID GARBAGE!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE
THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS STUPID HOUSE.........
posted on February 4, 2003 09:02:04 AM new
A young man from Tampa dies, and, unfortunately, goes to Hell.
As usual, he's assigned to work in the sulfur pits.
Lucifer comes by on a tour one day, and he sees the boy
whistling and laughing and enjoying himself. Well, Lucifer walks up to the
young man and says, "Boy--Why are you so happy? Aren't you hot enough?"
The young man answers, "Well, it's sure hot down here, but it
reminds me of July back in Tampa."
Lucifer thinks about this for a bit, and decides to raise the
temperature in the sulfur pits, just to show the boy who's
boss.
Well, he comes on by on tour again a few days later, and finds
the boy still laughing and whistling and having a grand old time.
So Lucifer goes up to the boy and says, "Boy - I turned the
heat up - why are you so happy?"
The young man smiles and says "Well, sir, it is hotter now than
it was, but this isn't any different than a warm day in August. It
feels just like home."
So Lucifer goes away, and starts to thinking, and then he gets
a big grin on his face. (I'd call it a devilish grin, but that's kind
of redundant). Lucifer thinks to himself - 'Let's see how that
Tampa boy likes the cold.' So he goes and turns the heat way down in the
sulfur pits, so it gets icy cold, and there's snow and ice everywhere
and the winds howling and the tortured souls are getting frozen left
and right.
He goes and checks on the boy, and the boy is still laughing -
in fact he seems to be laughing even harder than before.
"Boy!" says Lucifer. "You were happy when it was hot, and now
you're happy that it's cold. Why are you so happy?"
The boy answers, with a big grin on his face. "It's a cold day
in Hell! The Bucs must have Won The Super bowl!"
posted on February 4, 2003 11:00:41 AM new
Hope the jokes keep coming. They're great!!
Since my husband golf's three times a week, weather permitting, here's a golf joke.
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
[i]The obit editor informs her
that there is a charge of $.50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Bob Smith died[/i]."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, in that case, let it read: "Bob Smith died. Golf clubs for sale.
posted on February 5, 2003 10:35:34 AM new
A high-school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that would be given the following day. She told the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student,
shook her head, and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."
"Be kind. Remember everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." - Harry Thompson
posted on February 5, 2003 12:43:36 PM new
I love this one, and really came to appreciate it after having a little boy LOL...
Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasn't for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blowup? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. And John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks.
This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Cole
P.S. - How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
"Be kind. Remember everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." - Harry Thompson
posted on February 5, 2003 06:59:27 PM new
Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his
wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of
course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and
again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he
tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
posted on February 6, 2003 05:13:33 PM new
Irish logic
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor to determine the source of
his malady. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked
O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer,
and it's very bad. You'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he
managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the
waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, O'Malley said,
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when
things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have
cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were
some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of
O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went
on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his
friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." His son's eyebrows raised and
he opened his mouth, but O'Malley raised his finger and the frown on his
face stifled what his son had planned to say. The friends gave O'Malley
their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered
his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer?
You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after
I'm gone."
posted on February 6, 2003 05:53:18 PM new
This one's a bit grim, but funny:
A travelling salesman came upon an old farmer sitting on his porch, and next to the farmer was a pig with only one leg.
The salesman was about to give his sales pitch when his curiosity got the best of him.
"Excuse me, sir, but why does your pig only have one leg?" asked the salesman.
"Well sonny , I'll tell ya. One day I was out plowing the back 40 when my tractor overturned, pinning me underneath. I was losing blood and thought I would die when that pig came running. He dug and rooted around with his nose till he got me out and he dragged me back to the house. Saved my life, that pig did."
"Wow, that's really amazing," said the salesman, "but I still don't know why the pig only has one leg."
"Well I'll tell ya," said the farmer. "One night me and the wife were asleep at about 3am when a fire broke out in the kitchen. Well that pig broke down the door, came into our bedroom, waking us up and getting us out before the fire could get us, saved our lives, that pig did!"
"Well that's really great, but why does the pig only have one leg?"
"Well sonny, when you get a pig that smart, you don't want to eat him all at once!"
posted on February 7, 2003 04:11:41 AM new
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she yelled . "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb and some are tricky!!!!!
posted on February 7, 2003 04:17:25 AM new
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the
community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try
that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
posted on February 8, 2003 05:57:43 AM new
Bonding
This is truly about the bond formed between a little girl and some
construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of
people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The
young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They
chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate
words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got
to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the
little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building
a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those useless sons-a-b*tches at Home
Depot ever bring us any drywall that's worth a sh*t!"
posted on February 9, 2003 03:23:57 AM new
I have to believe this is the most important thread on the Forum.
Amen,
Reverend Colin
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says,....................
posted on February 9, 2003 09:21:40 PM new
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.! ....
For people who like peace and quiet; a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking .
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
posted on February 10, 2003 03:49:51 PM new
Norman and his blonde wife live in upstate New York. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park..", then the power goes out. Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.
posted on February 10, 2003 04:09:23 PM new
Got a few today. Maybe take everyones mind off war and the economy.
Amen,
Reverend Colin
One day a Deputy pulled over a car. He asked the driver why he was speeding, to which the driver replied that he a juggling magician and didn't want to be late for his show that night.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would maybe do a little juggling for him he wouldn't issue a ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the man.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, then staggered over to the squad car, opened the rear door and stumbled in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Officer, ya might as well take my ass to jail cos there's no way in hell I'm gonna pass that test!"
posted on February 10, 2003 04:12:23 PM new
On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside
the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they
possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer....for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven,
SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck
together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take
me to find a lawyer?
posted on February 10, 2003 04:17:26 PM new
This was my favorite today.
Amen,
Reverend Colin
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: "DON'T STEP ON THE Ducks. So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together for eternity as well.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without
stepping on any ducks. Then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid her eyes on---very tan, muscular and sexy. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
posted on February 10, 2003 10:16:11 PM new
I always liked this one:
When I die I want to go like my Grandfather did. Quiet and peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming,hollering and crying like the other people in the car riding with him!
posted on February 12, 2003 04:01:41 AM new
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery, then a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father," "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? The next day, they went back to the store, and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde -- wearing a string bikini this time -- came walking toward them. Again she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute, young lady." Yes," she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to ask, how in the world did you know that we are priests?"
> >"Father, she said, "It's me, Sister Helen . . ."
posted on February 12, 2003 06:46:34 AM new
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my
bath so I can relax. When I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair....
posted on February 12, 2003 07:01:55 AM new
Helen,
It was a great one. It was in my morning's mail. Never thought about the name thing.
Amen,
Reverend Colin
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