posted on February 13, 2003 04:19:37 AM new
There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with chicken legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how say it,
and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
posted on February 13, 2003 07:17:29 PM new
A lady was getting worried about her love life. No dates or action for quite some time. She went to her physician for advice. He referred her to "Dr. Chang", the sex specialist.
Dr. Chang: Take off all you cwothes, get on floor, and craw reery, reery fas acwoss woom. The woman did as she was told and then Dr. Chang said: Now craw reery, reery fas back to me. The woman again did as she was told. When she got back to the doctor he said "You have vewy bad pwobrem, worse case I ever see". Alarmed the lady asked "What is it, Dr. Chang?. You have Ed Zachary disease. The lady: What is Ed Zachary disease? Dr. Chang: Ed Zachary disease when your face look ed zachary like your butt.
posted on February 14, 2003 06:10:09 AM new
Shoot him....shoot him NOW!
.................................................
Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Firemen, Police. We call them our heroes...but we pay them like chumps
posted on February 14, 2003 08:53:47 AM new
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."
posted on February 15, 2003 07:45:58 PM new
When you are in your casket, and friends, family and are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?
1- "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine person, and a great family man."
2- "I would like to hear them say that I was an excellent person and a servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples' lives."
3- "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving.'"
posted on February 16, 2003 06:47:41 AM new
Sad News
Thought you would want to know.
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the
entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough: plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
posted on February 17, 2003 03:50:24 PM new
Not a joke. Just one of those chain letters you get occasionally from friends. I thought it well worth sharing. Especially for those deep thinkers that take themselves too serious
RAIN
She had been shopping with her Mom in Wal-Mart. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence.
It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Wal-Mart. We waited, some patiently others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world.
Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child come pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.
Her voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said. "What?" Mom asked. "Let's run through the rain!" She repeated. "No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.
This young child waited about another minute and repeated:
"Mom, let’s run through the rain."
"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.
"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm. "This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain
and not get wet?
"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!"
The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say.
Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.
"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.
Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.
And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.
Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday.
To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.
A friend sent this to me to remind me of life. Hope you enjoy it.
I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN
Take the time to live!!!
* Keep in touch with your friends; you never know when you will need each other. *
posted on February 18, 2003 01:14:21 PM new
It's Tax time.
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill,
I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains
cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your
ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them
to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now
you have everything."
posted on February 18, 2003 07:30:28 PM new
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad!
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the
BODIES.
Love Bubba
At 4 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Bubba.
Nothing like a story about a good lovin son.
Amen,
Reverend Colin
posted on February 20, 2003 03:01:24 AM new
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells ...
posted on February 23, 2003 03:06:37 AM new
Catholic Math
Little Tommy (who was Jewish) was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as he could.
This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his ! report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise!!!!!!, little Tommy got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, WHAAAT was it????
Was it the nuns??" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then", she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms????
WHHHHAAAATTTT was it????" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
posted on February 24, 2003 02:52:20 AM new
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find
out about something exciting and relate it to the class
the next day. The first little boy that was called upon,
walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece
of chalk made a small white dot on the blackboard, then
sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that." she said, "but what is so exciting
about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning
my sister was missing one." Dad had a heart attack, Mom
fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
posted on February 25, 2003 04:36:16 PM new
Labor Pains
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the FATHER.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL of the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
Amen,
Reverend Colin
posted on February 28, 2003 03:42:49 AM new
The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the
ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two government officials sent to
interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man
for many generations, you have seen his wars and
his products, you have seen all his progress and his problems.
The chief nodded.
The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion,
where has the white man gone wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then
calmly answered. "When white man found the
land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty
beaver. Women did all the work. Indian men hunted
and fished all the time."
The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he
could improve on system like that!"
posted on February 28, 2003 08:19:27 AM new
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science
classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came
into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good, maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.
posted on March 2, 2003 05:12:55 AM new
Got this important message. Thought I'd pass it on.
Amen,
I've heard of the stuff,
Reverend Colin
Subject: Warning!
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, party goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert & stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
A date-rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form & is now available almost anywhere.
It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large kegs. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude & punishment referred to as "marriage."
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
posted on March 4, 2003 11:09:18 AM new
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
name plate that the
teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says "Mrs.Whack, I'd like to
get a loan to buy a boat
and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow.
The frog says "$30,000."
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit
Jagger, his dad is Mick
Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that
he will need to secure
some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can
use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produced a tiny pink porcelain
elephant, about half an
inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
manager and disappears into a
back office.
She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger
out there who claims to
know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to
use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean,
what the heck is this?
(are you ready?)
(are you sure?)
(you're gonna hate me!)
The bank manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's
a rolling stone."
posted on March 5, 2003 03:47:50 AM new
Subject: FUNERAL PROCESSION
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking in single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
"Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well the first hearse is for my husband, my pit bull attacked and killed him. The second is my mother-in-law, she tried to stop the attack, and the pit bull killed her also."
A poignant and thoughtful moment pass between the two women.
posted on March 7, 2003 06:33:49 AM new
*Food Spoilage Tests For Bachelors*
THE GAG TEST:
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what
you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS:
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS:
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled
when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing
but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but
you realize you've never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE:
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is
spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS:
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem
in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked
anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES:
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly
good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit
by having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT:
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-
block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD:
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots"
that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and
hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that
your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR:
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT:
It never spoils.
LETTUCE:
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it
turns liquid.
CANNED GOODS:
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should
be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS:
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS:
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES:
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP:
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it
has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS:
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but
it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the
Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware
containers should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster.
Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
posted on March 8, 2003 04:19:23 AM new
A plane with 4 passengers is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA Basketball
player. The Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the
first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton,said, "I am the wife of the?
former President of the United States; I am the most ambitious woman in
the world. I am also a New York Senator, a potential future President?
and, above all, the smartest woman in the world." She grabbed the?
second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, Rev. Billy Graham, says to the fourth passenger, a
10 year-old school boy, "I am old and I don't have many years left. As
a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last
parachute."
The boy said, "It's ok; there's still a parachute left for you.
America's smartest woman took my school backpack."
posted on March 9, 2003 04:04:23 AM new
A man and his wife are new in town and go out at dinner at a nice restaurant they had heard good things about. The waiter arrives at the table within a minute after they are seated, takes their drink order, comes back within seconds with it, tells them the specials of the day, takes their order, and their food arrives in less than 10 minutes.
The couple is very impressed with the efficiency of the restaurant. The man calls the waiter over and comments on how quickly and smoothly everything seems to run, and notices that the waiter has an ice tea spoon sticking out of his breast pocket. He looks around and all the other waiters have an ice tea spoon in their pockets as well.
The waiter tells him, “Oh yes sir, at one point in the past, our patrons found that they had to wait too long for service, and their food orders did not arrive at the table soon enough, so the owners hired an efficiency expert. The efficiency expert discovered the number one thing that the waiter had to go get for a guest was an ice tea spoon and that it saves a minute and a half each time if we each carry one. So all the waiters now carry an iced tea spoon in their pockets.
So the couple talk to the waiter a bit longer, telling him how pleased they are. He continues to tell them ways the restaurant has upgraded it's service with the help of the efficiency expert.
Then the woman notices a red string hanging from the waiter’s fly. She is too embarressed to ask about so when her husband looks at her, she motions toward it with her eyes while the waiter is looking at her husband.
The husband thinks about it a moment and asks. "Well, uhh… I couldn’t help but notice that there is a red string hanging from your fly." The waiter turns a bit red and says, "Well, yes sir, the efficiency expert discovered that the one place all the waiters waste too much time is when they go to the restroom. The efficiency expert had us each tie a red string on it, so we can pull it out quickly and go and then get back to work."
The man thought for just a moment and said. “Bit how do you get it back in?”
There was a pause and waiter replied, “Well, I don’t know about the other waiters, sir, but I find that that’s when that ice tea spoon comes in real handy!”
Patty
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