posted on March 13, 2003 04:13:05 AM new
The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands and as they walked the Iraqi said, "You know I have just one question about what I have
seen in America."
President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iraqi whispered, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but not any Iraqis. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there isn't any Iraqis on Star Trek."
President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iraqi ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future..."
posted on March 13, 2003 07:24:39 AM new
Colin,thats your idea of funny?..wipe out an entire race,that we are suppose to be going to save?.Is that what the rest of you feel?
You are more dangerous then the terriosts.
Regardless of what you feel,that "hate" turns inward,and it is a miserable death.We dont need to say anything, to each other again Colin.Im giving you a whole lot of room.
posted on March 13, 2003 01:02:11 PM new
A preacher visiting an elderly parishioner at a nursing home noticed a bowl of peanuts by her bed and took one.
As they talked he couldn't help himself and ate one after another.
By the time they ended their visit the bowl was empty. "I am sorry but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts," he said.
"That's okay," she replied. "They would have gone stale anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off."
posted on March 13, 2003 04:35:31 PM new
Three men, Father, Son and Grandfather were out for a nice day of golf when the golf course pro shop put a beautiful young lady with them to make up the foursome.
The lady informed them that she was new at the game and would not like to be instructed or coached, she just wished to be left alone to play her own game and to do the best she could.
Well the game went on and after 17 holes the men infromed her that she was playing a par game! Well she couldn't believe it she had never even come close to playing that well in all the time she had been playing.
As she played the 18th. hole she was still playing a par game, she was now on the green and needed to sink her putt to have a perfect par game.
Well she was so excited she didn't know what to do, so she asked the men for advice and informed them that if one of them could help her make her putt she would give him oral sex!
So the Son walked back and forth on the green looking it over and came back and told her to give the ball a fairly good hit because it was an up hill shot.
After looking the green over the Father came to her and told her that the shot was uphill and would break to the right.
The Grandfather stood looking at the ball for a couple minutes,walked over picked it up and handed it to her and said: That's a gimme!!
posted on March 13, 2003 09:33:40 PM new
The following ad was in the Atlanta Journal:
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the
woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips,
cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight diners will have me
eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll
be at your front door when you come home from work, wearing only what
nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm all yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society
about an 8-week-old Labrador Retriever.
Men are so easy
Censorship, like charity, should begin at home; but unlike charity, it should end there --Clare Booth Luce
posted on March 14, 2003 07:46:47 AM new
Yeah...and you women know it. You evil ones.
"Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both boldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar."
- Julius Caesar
posted on March 14, 2003 02:37:07 PM new
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby.
The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional
children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!"
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"
posted on March 14, 2003 02:44:40 PM new
An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants.
He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."
"That's what I thought, too," said Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn."
posted on March 14, 2003 08:55:58 PM new
The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an
afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht. They're
admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows
off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to
launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care
of this. Don't worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks
out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then
walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope
amid stunned silence.
The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story, with front page
photos, of the event. The banner headline is
posted on March 15, 2003 06:09:58 AM new
LOL - Love them all....
No offense to the guys here...but
He said........"I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."
She said......."You wear pants don't you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He said.........."Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."
She said.........Well, you succeeded!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He said........."Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said.......That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He said.........."What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said........."Turn sideways and look in the mirror!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He said........."Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She said........I would but you're never there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a wall in a ladies room......."My husband follows me everywhere!"
Written just below it....................."I do not!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to
do the dishes?..........................
Both of them!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did the man cross the road?....................
He heard the chicken was a slut!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature
.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
Man says to God: "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
posted on March 15, 2003 06:15:26 AM new
An oldie -
Secret Message:
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to
secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support
until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without."
posted on March 17, 2003 03:31:40 AM new
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being
renovated, and the last instructions of the Mother Superior is that they
must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about
this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room , strip
off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project,
there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man" replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns
look at each other, shrug. and decide that no harm can come from letting a
blind man into the room. "NICE BOOBS," says the man. "Where do you want
these blinds?"
posted on March 18, 2003 02:56:12 AM new
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks
in a new peace process.
When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's
chair. They begin talking.
After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later, the second button is pressed. This time, a big boot comes out and
kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again George carries on talking, not
wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough. I'm headin' back to Washington!" he
calmly tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks in Washington!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit
down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's retaliation.
They begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but
nothing happens. George snickers.
A few seconds later, he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.
When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, but again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
George W. says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
posted on March 18, 2003 03:11:57 AM new
Scientists have discovered a meteor on a collision-course with Planet
Earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in 48 hours, at
approximately 2:30 A.M. Eastern Standard Time. The meteor is large enough to
completely wipe France from the face of the earth forever.
France and the United Nations have requested that the United States help
evacuate the country. That would mean diverting American ships and planes
that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas.
Here's the Dilemma.
You are George W. Bush, President of the United States. What should you do?
A. Watch the impact on live TV
B. Tape it & watch in the morning
A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty seats alongside.
The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the
handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw
on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy."
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this
behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!
posted on March 26, 2003 06:32:47 PM new
How to Shower Like a Woman
>
> 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
> laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
>
> 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If
> you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
>
> 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --
> make mental note to do more sit-ups.
>
> 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,
> leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
>
> 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage
> shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
>
> 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
>
> 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint
> conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil.
> Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
>
> 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial
> scrub for 10 minutes until red.
>
> 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and
> jaffa cake body wash.
>
> 10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
>
> 11. Shave armpits and legs
>
> 12. Turn off shower
>
> 13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray
> mold spots with Tilex.
>
> 14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of
> a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
>
> 15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
>
> 16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown
> and towel on head.
>
> 17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any
> exposed areas.
>
>
> How To Shower Like a Man
>
> 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of
> the bed and leave them in a pile.
>
> 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife
> along the way, shake wiener at her making the
> 'woo-woo' sound.
>
> 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
> Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
>
> 4. Get in the shower.
>
> 5. Wash your face.
>
> 6. Wash your armpits.
>
> 7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water
> rinse them off.
>
> 8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh
> at how loud they sound in the shower.
>
> 9. Spend majority of time washing privates and
> surrounding area.
>
> 10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt
> hairs stuck on the soap.
>
> 11. Shampoo your hair.
>
> 12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
>
> 13. Pee in shower.
>
> 14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
>
> 15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on
> floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
>
> 16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
>
> 17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
> light and fan on.
>
> 18. Return to bedroom with towel around your
> waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener
> at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
>
> 19. Throw wet towel on floor.
posted on April 1, 2003 04:12:58 AM new
Got this from a good friend.
For those in the Ya-Ya sisterhood:
1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."
4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
8. Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
posted on April 2, 2003 08:07:08 AM new
dadofstickboy - ROFLMHO That is FANTASTIC I've really been enjoying, as we watch the embeded reporters showing all the Saddam pictures being taken down by the soldiers, painted over, etc....but this takes the cake.
Many thanks....
My contribution for today, which is faded compared to you post is:
The Gender of Things
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold
everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and
often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female. Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider this... it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it and, while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
The question is not what a man can scorn, or disparage, or find fault with, but what he can love, and value, and appreciate. J. Ruskin
posted on April 2, 2003 08:30:40 AM new
A guy goes to a motel with his girlfriend, and is surprised to see his best friend's car outside one of the rooms. He thinks to himself, "It's noon, I thought he was at work."
He decides to play a joke on his friend, and takes one of the hubcaps from his car.
That same night, he goes to his friend's house, knocks on the door and tells his friend, "Hey, look what I found!"
"Hey, that's my hubcap, were did you get it from?"
The guy lowers his voice and says, "Don't play dumb with me, I saw your car outside the motel at noon today!"
His friend stands there quietly for a moment, goes back into the house, goes to the kitchen and tells his wife, "Look honey, I found the hubcap you lost at the supermarket today!"
posted on April 2, 2003 08:41:39 AM new
A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown, with a bad attitude and even worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word. Those that weren't four-letter words were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, basically anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk, kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg for your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask him what had made such a dramatic change, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
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