posted on April 3, 2003 06:38:39 PM new
A friend sent me this funny story:
The Horror of Blimps
by Scylla
Last week while travelling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellors hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio controll indoor blimp.
I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!
Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.
Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.
We blew it up with the tank attacched the gondola with the propellors, and put in batteries.
Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.
It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.
My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.
Let's face it, blimps are fun.
Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.
At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.
The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.
Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currects it approached the bed.
In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.
I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.
That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.
I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the maligant darkness.
Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.
So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.
On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!
Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY #*!@! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.
I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.
When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.
Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of bed in my underwear.
I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living #*!@ out of it with all the stength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.
It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.
Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)
Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.
On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.
Unbeleivably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident.
I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.
***
At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached.
The dyndamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.
This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.
I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will.
posted on April 3, 2003 06:41:50 PM new
Another funny story, author anonymous:
In honor of the passing of April Fool's day.. here it is! It's a very funny story slanted towards "horsey" people, but you should be able to appreciate it properly with a bit of background info! Here goes...
If you've never seen the stuff.. there exists a substance called "beet pulp." Now, if you've ever just ground up a beet in a blender and then cooked the pulp in a pot on the stove, you've got some idea how it looks. However, most horses and cows don't happen to have blenders and cooking pots handy..
So people who feed beet pulp to horses and cows have developed this ingenious method of feeding it to them (beets are cheap and a good source of fiber, fattens them up nicely). The beets are ground up, and then dried and pressed into pellets (kinda like really big rabbit food). Then when you want to make some up for your horse, you get a bucket and some water, put in a tiny scoop of the pellets and let them soak, and voila, you have a bucketful of beet pulp mash! Amazing stuff.... Expands by about 10x...
All right... here's the story! Enjoy... and again... NO LIQUID IN MOUTH PLEASE! Think of your poor computer screen!
“Beet Pulp Safety Warning (aka the famous squirrel story)"
People that are into equine nutrition are notorious for spending their time doing the oddest things. While everyone else has normal nightmares about finding themselves riding in the World Equestrian Games stark naked past the press corps, nutrition people fret over whether their carefully thought-out recommendations will make the difference between Muffy the Superhorse winning his next competition in fame and glory, or falling into a dead faint somewhere between being saddled and the starting line. In the end, the finer points of nutrition often make zero difference, however, because you generally find out that:
a) Muffy won't even touch your carefully crafted ration, much preferring to eat his own bedding, the vet's fingers, and anything from the Taco Bell menu;
b) the moment you finish calculating the Perfect Equine Ration featuring Aunt Tilly's Super Horsey Yum Yums, the feed company goes out of business or is indicted on environmental pollution charges;
c) it's all irrelevant, anyway, because the barn manager's favorite phrase is "Well, we've always fed this way for sixty years and hardly ever lose more than a horse a month to colic", and steadfastly refuses to feed anything at all other than His Very Own Secret Recipe, featuring lawn clippings, glazed doughnuts and something that smells a lot like latex.
However, every now and then, you stumble across a feed that horses actually like (at least, after that initial suspicious, "You're trying to poison me, aren't you?" look), is wonderfully nutritious, cheap to feed and still Obscure and Mysterious enough that people feel like they're really on The Cutting Edge in feeding it to Muffy. Beet pulp is like that, and for a long time I thought the only disadvantage to it was the minor inconvenience of having to soak it before feeding. Some folks skip that part, but others revel in making sure everyone else in the barn knows just how conscientious and detail-minded they are about Muffy's nutritional well-being.
However, eventually I knew the true downside to beet pulp would show up, and thought it only fair that I pass it along...
This afternoon I decided to bring some beet pulp pellets into the house to soak, because I wanted to get an idea of exactly how much they expanded in volume during the soaking process. Academic types are like that, pathetically easy to amuse and desperately in need of professional help. I knew they expanded quite a bit, because the first time I'd innocently added water to a five-pound bucket of beet pulp, I'd come back later to find my feed room practically awash in beet pulp, providing a breakfast that every horse within a five mile radius still remembers with fond nostalgia. So in the interest of scientific curiousity, I trundled in a bucket, about three pounds of beet pulp, added in the water and set it in the living room to do its thing. No problem. Research in action.
Well, in out ongoing quest to turn this house into Noah's Ark, we have not only four horses, three dogs, four neurotic cats, a sulfur-crested cockatoo, a cockatiel and assorted toads, but we also have William. William is a fox squirrel who absent-mindedly fell out of his tree as a blind and hairless baby two years ago, and whom the vet prompty handed off to the only person he knew silly enough to traipse around with a baby squirrel and a bottle of Esbilac into her bookbag. Actually, the trick wasn't in keeping such a tiny creature warm, fed and clean -- it was keeping a straight face and looking as mystified as everyone else when William woke up hungry and started pipping for his bottle like a very small, slightly muffled alarm clock. Invariably, this usually occurred while I was standing in line at the post office, picking up a pizza for dinner or on one memorable occasion, taking a final exam in biochemistry. Being no dummy, William knew a sucker when he saw one and has happily
And for those of you that think A Squirrel's Place is In The Wild, don't think we didn't try that... his first Christmas, we thought we'd give him his first lesson in Being a Wild Squirrel by letting him play in the undecorated Christmas tree. His reaction was to shriek in horror, scutter frantically across the floor and go try to hide underneath the nearest border collie. Since then, the only way he will allow himself to be taken outside is hiding inside Mummy's shirt and peering suspiciously out at the sinister world.
So much for the remake of Born Free. So secure is he about his place in the world that on more than one occasion, I've caught him sitting on his fat, smug little bottom, making faces out the window at our neighborhood (very frustrated) red-tailed hawk -- like as not clutching a cashew in one paw and a bit of mango in the other.
Anyway, when I set out the bucket of beet pulp, I may have underestimated the lengths that a young and enthusiastic squirrel will go to to stash all available food items in new and unusual hiding spots. I thought letting William out of his cage as usual and giving him a handful of almonds to go happily cram under cushions and into sleeping dog's ears was sufficient entertainment for the afternoon. After all, when I left, he was gleefully chortling and gloating over his pile of treasure, making sure the cockatoo saw them so he could tell her I Have Almonds And You Don't. So much for blind optimism.
Apparently when the almond supply ran out, beet pulp pellets became fair game and I can only imagine the little rat finding that great big bucket and swooning with the possibilities of being able to hide away All That Food. The problem isn't quite so much that I now have three pounds of beet pulp pellets cleverly tucked away in every corner of my house, it's that as far as I can tell, the soaking-expanding-and-falling-apart process seems to be kinda like a nuclear meltdown. Once the reaction gets started, no force on earth is going to stop it.
So when I come back from the grocery store, not only do I find an exhausted but incredibly Fulfilled squirrel sprawled out snoozing happily up on the cat tree, I find that my house smells a lot like a Jamaican feed mill and virtually every orifice is crammed full of beet pulp. This includes the bathroom sink drain, the fish tank filter, in my undie drawer, in the kitty box (much to their horror) and ALL the pockets of my bookbag. Not to mention that in enthusiastically stuffing beet pulp into the air holes of the little box that hold live crickets for the toad's dinner, William managed to open it up and free several hundred crickets into the living room. It's not that I mind crickets springing to and fro, it's just that it sounds a lot like an Evening in the Amazon Rain Forest in here. The cats, on the other hand, have never had such a marvelous time steeplechasing after stray crickets back and forth over the furniture, crunching up the spoils of the hunt (which wouldn'
I simply can't WAIT to turn on the furnace and find out what toasting beet pulp smells like.
The good news is that in case of siege, I have enough carbohydrates hidden in my walls and under the furniture to survive for years. The bad news is that as soon as I try to remove any of this stash, I get a hysterical squirrel clinging to my pant leg, tearfully shrieking that I'm ruining all his hard work and now he's going to starve this winter. (This is despite the fact that William is spoiled utterly rotten, knows how to open the macadamia nut can all by himself and has enough of a tummy to have earned him the unfortunate nickname Buddha Belly.)
So in case anyone was losing sleep wondering just how much final product you get after soaking three pounds of beet pulp, the answer is a living room full. I'd write this new data up and submit it as a case study paper to the nutrition and physiology society, but I suspect the practical applications may be limited.
posted on April 4, 2003 09:18:06 PM new
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this b!tch giving you a hard time?"
posted on April 8, 2003 10:23:48 AM new
Since history began, the Chinese always believed in the significance of one's name. They have developed a very comprehensive system of naming one's children as it is believed that the name of a person strongly influences one's destiny and fate.
Astrologers, fortune tellers, academics and monks are consulted when choosing a name for the new born. Most other cultures, however do not really believe in it and tend to brush it off as superstition.
Whether you believe it or not, however, the other cultures are not spared of this correlation.
One very good example is Lee Iacocca, whose name IACOCCA stands for:
I
Am
Chairman
Of
Chrysler
Corporation
America
coincidence?..........
Look at the following familiar examples.
Bush stands for :
Beat
Up
Saddam
Hussein!
Clinton stands for:
Call
Lewinsky,
I
Need
The
Oral
Now !
However, no one can beat this latest casualty in bad naming
Osama stands for:
Oh
#*!@,
American
Missiles
Again!!
"Be kind. Remember everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." - Harry Thompson
"I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it." - A Few Good Men
posted on April 8, 2003 04:59:19 PM new
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored in their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams. Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."
"Yes," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."
posted on April 18, 2003 02:10:55 AM new
6 Legged Turkey*
An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to
perfect a better turkey.
His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never
enough legs for everyone.
After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of
his efforts to his friends at the general store get together.
"Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"
They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
"I Don't know" said the farmer.
"I can't catch the thing!"
posted on April 22, 2003 06:24:30 AM new
Subject: Passport
Subject: Passport
An elder American absent mindedly arrived at French customs at Paris airport and fumbled for his passport.
"You have been to France before Monsieur?", the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The ancient Yank admitted that he had been to France before.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection", snapped the irate official.
The American said that the last time he came to France he did not have to show his passport.
"Impossible, old man. You Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France."
The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look. "I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D Day in 1944, there was no goddam Frenchman on the beach asking to see my passport!"
posted on April 22, 2003 06:35:28 PM new
WOW! GREAT THREAD! I am really bad at telling jokes, so I have to keep them short. OK...here goes.
Captain Hook walks into a bar. His ship has wrecked during a hurricane and Captain Hook was injured badly. The bartender says " Oh my GOD! Captain Hook! Are you OK? You have a ships wheel impaled in your groin!" Captain Hook replies" Arrrrrr I know matey, it's drivin me nuts!".
posted on April 22, 2003 06:52:53 PM new
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up." Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Martinez:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Martinez.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher," Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, we're in BIG trouble!"
posted on April 24, 2003 03:25:13 PM new
A Minister decided to do something a little different, so one Sunday morning, he said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word. You are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind.
"The Pastor shouted out, "Cross". Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross.
"The Pastor hollered out, "Grace". The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The Pastor said, "Power". The congregation sang, "There is Power in The Blood".
The Pastor said, "Sex". The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then, all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little 87 year old lady stood up and began to sing,
posted on April 25, 2003 08:37:46 PM new
The inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
The Inventor thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. He then asked God, "Hey, aren't You the Inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well,"
said the Inventor, "professional to Professional, You have some major design
flaws in Your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. It is unreliable when trying to turn it on.
6. The maintenance costs are outrageous. And, finally,
7. It costs a fortune when you trade it in for a newer model."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the Inventor,
"but according to these numbers, more men want to ride my invention than yours."
posted on May 4, 2003 01:46:30 PM new
The most functional word in the English language is...Sh*t.
That's right, #*!@! Consider this:
You can be #*!@ faced, #*!@ out of luck, or have #*!@ for brains. With a little effort, you can get your #*!@ together, find a place for you #*!@ or, decide to #*!@ or get off the pot.
You can smoke #*!@, buy #*!@, sell #*!@, lose #*!@, find #*!@, forget #*!@ and tell others to eat #*!@ and die. Some people know their #*!@, while others cant tell the difference between #*!@ and Shinola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits and sweet shits. There is bull #*!@, horse #*!@ and chicken #*!@. You can throw #*!@, sling #*!@, catch #*!@, shoot the #*!@ or duck when #*!@ hits the fan.
You can give a #*!@ or serve #*!@ on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep #*!@ or be happier than #*!@ and some days are just plain #*!@ ty.
Some music sounds lie #*!@, things can look like #*!@, and there are times when you feel like #*!@. You can have too much #*!@, not enough #*!@, the right #*!@, the wrong #*!@ or a lot of weird #*!@.
You can carry #*!@, have a mountain of #*!@, or find yourself up #*!@ creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to #*!@ and other times you fall in a bucket of #*!@ and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of life. And remember, once you know your #*!@ you don't need to know anything else.
posted on May 20, 2003 01:22:06 PM new
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives:
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $2500 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon". In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft; we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
posted on May 21, 2003 04:36:50 AM new
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the
work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 Million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing the Taliban. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice, appreciate it.
posted on May 21, 2003 04:37:33 AM new
Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and
violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
a. Present it to the President of the United States.
b. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman -- like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her).
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
posted on May 21, 2003 04:38:10 AM new
A cowboy at a bar in Pecos, Texas orders three mugs of Lone Star and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "I have two brothers. One is in Alpine, the other in Fredericksburg. I'm in Pecos. When we left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender tells him it is a nice custom. The cowboy becomes a regular, and always orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "We don't want to intrude on your grief, but we wanted to offer our condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Amen,
Reverend Colin
posted on May 29, 2003 02:58:33 AM new
Got this from my step mom. Though all would enjoy.
Subject: Ahh those Catholic School kids ...
If you know the Bible-even a little-you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their big habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah... there are only 100 Nuns living there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana ... there are only 50 Nuns living there."
The third guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Idaho... there are only 25 Nuns living there."
One of the nuns turned around, and looked at the men, and calmly said, "Why don't you go to hell...there aren't any Nuns there
posted on June 16, 2003 07:57:15 AM new
lol - dadofstickboy, very good.
-----------
This was sent to us by our neighbor...a born and bred southern boy who we feel fortunate to have as a friend too.
If you are going to live or visit in the South, you need to know the rules.
In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State.
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road". No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. That red dirt - it's called clay, red clay. If you like the color,
don't wash your car for a couple of weeks; it'll be permanent. Those big
lumps - they're called "clods".
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi; we got over it.
5. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped.............by our women.
6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod; don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13 inch trout you fish for................it's called bait.
7. Pull your pants up........you look stupid.
8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose, wear your hair long...........go right ahead but if we call you ma'am, don't be offended.
9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to make sure it's not up to your ear at the time.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu; order
steak.......order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
11. Tea........yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. If you want it hot, set it in the sun............you want it un-sweetened, add a lot of water.
12. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
13. So.......you have a sixty thousand dollar car; we're really impressed. We have a quarter million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
14. OK, let's get this straight.............we have one traffic light in town. We stop when it's red; we may even stop when it's yellow if we see a friend to talk to.
15. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks......because they want to.
16. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Sundays and Wednesdays, we go to high school football games on Friday nights, we still address our seniors with "yes sirs" and "yes ma'ams",
and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
17. We don't do "hurry up" well.
18. Greens.........yeah, we have greens but you don't putt on them. You boil them with either salty fatback or a ham hock.
19. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and some of us eat carp also. You want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
And oh yeah, hushpuppies have nothing to do with shoes. They go with the catfish.
20. Pigs...........they are called pigs and that's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 65 goes two ways.....Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
21. Grits are corn; you put butter, salt, and maybe some pepper on them. You don't order grits; they just come. You want to put milk and sugar on them.......then you want cream of wheat; go to Kansas. That would be I40 West.
22. So.........every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being
friendly...........understand the concept?
23. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called Diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
24. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving recklessly......his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.
25. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
Now, enjoy your visit......
Ya'll come back......
Ya heah?
posted on June 17, 2003 04:31:43 AM new
Men's Thesaurus
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first
girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
** You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person **
posted on June 25, 2003 05:51:13 PM new
Historical information you need to know about shipping manure:
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet. Once water (at sea) hit it, however, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, a by-product of which is
methane gas. Since the stuff was stored below decks in bundles, you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term, "Ship High In Transit," on them which meant the sailors should stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T.," which has come down through the centuries and is, you may have noticed, in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.
posted on June 25, 2003 05:52:00 PM new
FAIRY TALE FOR TODAY'S GIRLS...
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. That night, as the princess dined sumptuously of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't freaking think so.
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- Harry Thompson
