posted on June 25, 2003 09:34:46 PM new
ARAB ISRAELI DOG FIGHT
At the height of the Intifada, the Israelis and Arabs realized that, if
they continued, they would someday end up destroying the world.
So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.
The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop
the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn
its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to
lay down its arms.
The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the
world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the
meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy
from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of
the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect
killing machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that
needed iron prison bars on his cage. Only the trainers could handle this
beast.
When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a
strange animal: It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird
animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Arab camp. The
bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute.
The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the
ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.
As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its
jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but
a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.
The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief.
"We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five
years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed
a killing machine."
"Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working
for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"
posted on July 9, 2003 02:25:08 AM new
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
posted on July 23, 2003 03:13:40 AM new
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Get the last word in: Apologize.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . .. not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration
posted on July 24, 2003 04:42:28 AM new
Among Vincent Van Gogh's relatives were:
His dizzy aunt ---- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes --- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store --- Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia --- U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white --- Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois --- Chica Gogh
His magician uncle --- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin --- Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother --- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle --- Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt --- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle --- Flamin Gogh
His nephew the psychoanalyst --- E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin --- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking --- Way-to Gogh
The little bouncy nephew --- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco --- Go Gogh
Italian uncle --- Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van --- Winnie Bay Gogh
Well, there you Gogh!
And, by the way, if you have plenty of Monet ... you will never be baroque ...
[ edited by zoomin on Jul 24, 2003 04:43 AM ]
posted on August 1, 2003 05:51:24 AM new
25 Pearls of Wisdom
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
(think about this for a minute)
Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown,,,
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the
bar." --Drew Carey
4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," --Rod Stewart
5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams
7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" --Marilyn Pittman
9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they
weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
--Paula Poundstone
11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien
12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be
eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson
15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez
16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld
17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde
19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams
22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne
23) "Women need a reason to . Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal
24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry
25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased
posted on August 4, 2003 03:33:30 AM new
Recieved this and thought it worth passing on.
I had a drug problem when I was young.
I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for wedding and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions no matter the weather.
I was drug to the bus stop to go to school every weekday.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults and teachers.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents.
Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in every
thing I do, say, and think.
They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's children
had this kind of drug problem, America might be a better place.
posted on August 4, 2003 05:36:38 PM new
One day while passing a nursing
>home I noticed 6 old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this
was a
>bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
>
>On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same 6 old
>ladies laying naked on the lawn.
>
>This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to
the
>manager.
>
>"Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"
>
>"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a
yard
>sale.
posted on August 4, 2003 05:37:25 PM new
> Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
> bench rings and a man engages the hands off speaker-function and begins
>to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
>
> MAN: "Hello"
>
> WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
>
> MAN: "Yes"
>
> WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather
> coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
>
> MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
>
> WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003
>models. I saw one I really liked."
>
>
> MAN: "How much?"
>
> WOMAN: "$60,000"
>
> MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
>
> WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last
> year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
>
> MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
> $900,000."
>
> WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
>
> MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
>
> The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in
> astonishment.
>
> Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
posted on August 4, 2003 05:39:42 PM new
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her She immediately moved to another
seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
laughing,
she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years
old)
what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition.
She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming"
and I
grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will
reduce the
swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed he rself under a sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain
myself.
BUT, your
Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost
it.
posted on August 6, 2003 03:38:28 AM new
Yes, It's political ..But it's funny:
After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with
a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called:
SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.
The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven
that you can get sex from Aides.
Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything
like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."
The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress:
"Presidue."
Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges:
Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.
Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic emblem from a
donkey to a condom? It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you
a false sense of security while you are being screwed.
Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton.
All these women coming forward, and not one is his sister!
Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortuneteller who intoned,
"Prepare to become widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!"
Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
posted on August 6, 2003 04:51:45 AM new
STUPID IS:
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
EVER WONDER ~~~~
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
~~~~~
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that
would be how??...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but,
it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce
the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those
5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking
this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now,
somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news
flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this
one.
posted on August 8, 2003 03:19:58 AM new
If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak
fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write
but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that
you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and
ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an
odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by
ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of
a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which
you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by
going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
posted on August 8, 2003 03:27:20 AM new
LABRADOR RETRIEVER
A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty seats alongside.
The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy."
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!
posted on August 8, 2003 04:04:15 AM new
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad... or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
16. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
17. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
18. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
20. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" The patient replied," like a glove!"
posted on August 10, 2003 03:39:28 AM new
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.
150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
The European community is sending food and money.
The United States is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.
posted on August 27, 2003 02:57:38 AM new
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of the night?".
The husband looks up from
his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said.....................
"I would have gotten out today."
posted on September 17, 2003 02:55:21 AM new
(I have no idea if this is actually based on research, but it is funny.)
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
posted on September 17, 2003 03:08:58 AM new
Management lessons!!!
Parable #1:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not?"
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crown and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Parable #2
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Parable #3:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow-dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.!
Management Lesson:
1.) Not everyone who drops sh*t on you is your enemy.
2.) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
3.) And when you are in deep sh*t, keep your mouth shut.
Parable #4:
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, some people remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding." The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."
The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. AS they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
Management Lesson:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass!
posted on September 17, 2003 03:14:40 AM new
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you
want to be.
"The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof*
she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's
gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks
perplexed. "Who?" he says."Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun. St. Peter
shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a
bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to
St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to
her and says.... "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline'
that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.
posted on September 17, 2003 03:27:15 AM new
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "he'd be alive today if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along!"
posted on September 23, 2003 06:19:01 PM new
A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said..."HELLLLOWW ..... You gotta roll up the windowwwws..."
“The last hope of human liberty in this world rests on us.” ~ Thomas Jefferson
posted on September 23, 2003 06:20:11 PM new
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says, First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He holds her hand softly, leads her to a chair and says, "Secondly, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then"...,he sighs, and says
scroll down)
Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."!
“The last hope of human liberty in this world rests on us.” ~ Thomas Jefferson
posted on September 29, 2003 02:32:11 AM new
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington, DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
It was then he noticed a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the US Senate for assistance. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Senator Daschle. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify
the next of kin."
posted on October 6, 2003 02:19:18 AM new
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt"
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I Tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
posted on October 7, 2003 03:06:42 AM new
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity.
He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
amen,
Reverend Colin
posted on October 7, 2003 05:47:11 AM new
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of
nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the
nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered; "it's Satan and the
Lord
dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode
off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see
if we can see the Lord himself!" Shaking with fear, they peered through
the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the
boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as
they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last, "One for
you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence,
and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of
the boy on the bike.
Amen,
Reverend Colin
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