posted on October 7, 2003 05:48:40 AM new
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
posted on October 9, 2003 02:05:15 AM new
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witchdoctor.
The witchdoctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witchdoctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witchdoctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witchdoctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123," and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"
posted on October 9, 2003 02:24:27 AM new
A young blonde co-ed, to make money for college, hired herself out as a handyman, and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde after looking about, said, "How about 50 dollars?
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No....I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' e-mail we've been receiving".
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes" the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats".
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus
posted on October 14, 2003 03:00:05 AM new
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather
prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a
film-like substance on his plate, so he questioned his grandfather, "Are
these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean
as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for
lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a
substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, " Are you
sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the
grandfather says, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold
water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog
started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't
let me out." Without diverting his attention from the exciting football
game his grandfather shouted "Coldwater....., move!!!!!"
Amen,
Reverend Colin
posted on October 15, 2003 03:02:00 AM new
Got this from a friend. I thought all would enjoy.
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get very ugly.
posted on October 17, 2003 02:47:42 PM new
Prison vs.Work
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a bit more clear.
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
***** So why is it again that we work? *****
Amen,
Reverend Colin
posted on October 17, 2003 02:50:23 PM new
An old farmer owned a large farm in Tennessee for several years. He had a
large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts etc...
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make
you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."
posted on November 16, 2003 03:41:17 AM new
A Catholic Heart Attack
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a
Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going
to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No
health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the
bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I
only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
posted on November 16, 2003 06:10:48 AM new
Colin - Just want to say thanks to you for your continued effort to bring some humor to this place. I've passed on many of your jokes to brighten other peoples days too.
----------
Here are a couple that gave me a good chuckle lately.
"The Iraqi people are grateful to America and are optimistic about their future -- which means they have nothing in common with the Democratic party." --J.D. Hayworth
and
Tom DeLay defended General Jerry Boykin for declaring that America is a Christian nation. No one else will say a word. Walter Mondale once said God has no place in American politics and it turned out that God felt the same way about Walter Mondale.
posted on November 17, 2003 04:16:29 AM new
Thanks Linda.
It's too bad so many on this board have no sense of humor. I think they would be much happier if they did. Their idea of Humor is sarcasm and sarcasm alone.
Amen,
Reverend Colin
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. -- Carl Zwanzig
posted on November 17, 2003 05:28:26 AM new
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender, "Got any specials today?"
The bartender replies, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink that was invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka."
The guy asks, "Geez, what kind of drink is that?"
The bartender responds, "We call it a Pabst Smir."
posted on November 19, 2003 06:00:06 AM new
A WEEK AT THE GYM; ONE MAN'S STORY - If you read this without laughing out
loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever
attempted to get into a regular workout routine. (I think this may have
happened to me a few times without the help of Belinda - every time I decide I can
return to eighteen years of age - I damn near kill myself!!) LP
Dear Diary...
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a
26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.............
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but and it was well worth
it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is
something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile.
Woo Hoo!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after
five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but
I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today.
Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!
It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little
too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. She said some other stupid things too.
Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -
which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that witch Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I
would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't
have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
good-for-nothing barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. Which
I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna
cum laude from.)
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash
the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the
TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank
GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the
witch) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.
posted on November 25, 2003 04:03:56 PM new
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags.
I won... I won... I won the lottery!"
The husband says "Oh my God! No #*!@?! What should I pack -- beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
The wife yells back: "It doesn't matter... just get the hell out!"
posted on December 3, 2003 03:12:55 AM new
A husband shopping center (HusbandMart) has just opened where a woman may
go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of
six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper
ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to
any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor,
you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to
the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have
jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better
than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love
kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further
up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and
are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's
upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids,
are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the
woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she
heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong
romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me
further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 123,456,789,012,345
to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as
proof that women are impossible to please. "Thank you for shopping at
HusbandMart and have a nice day."
posted on December 4, 2003 03:36:45 AM new
A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window)
turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
posted on December 17, 2003 02:17:53 AM new
An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batter's box, took a few swings, and then hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run! Run!, Run."
The next batter hits a single and the Irishman listened as the crown again cheered, "Run, Run."
The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base.
The Irishman stood up and screamed, " R-R-Run- ye lazy bastard, run!"
The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down.
A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He can't run - he has four balls."
The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad!"
posted on December 17, 2003 05:08:49 PM new
The Legend Of The Christmas Tree Angel
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys and were threatening to go on strike.
The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...
"Another plague upon the land, as devastating as the locusts God loosed on the Egyptians, is "Political Correctness.'" --Charlton Heston
posted on December 17, 2003 05:13:48 PM new
Interesting Questions
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world.
After her talk, she has a "question and answer" period. One little boy raises his hand and the Senator asks him for his name.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions: First, whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second, why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third, whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the children that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him for his name.
"Larry."
"And what is your question?"
"I have five questions:
First, whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second, why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third, whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And fifth, what happened to Kenneth?"
"Another plague upon the land, as devastating as the locusts God loosed on the Egyptians, is "Political Correctness.'" --Charlton Heston
posted on December 17, 2003 05:22:59 PM new
The Annoying Kid
A young boy boards a school bus and sits right behind the driver where no one else sits.
Shortly after the bus departs the boy says, "If my father was an elephant and my mother was an elephant, I'd be an elephant." The driver is puzzled but says nothing.
The boy then says, "If my father was a dog and my mother was a dog, I'd be a dog."
The driver quickly grows tired of the boy's nonsense and says, "If your father was a crackhead and your mother was a prostitute, what would you be?"
The boy chuckles to himself and says, "A bus driver."
"Another plague upon the land, as devastating as the locusts God loosed on the Egyptians, is "Political Correctness.'" --Charlton Heston
posted on December 17, 2003 07:12:47 PM new
On second thought this one may be a little too dirty. I had to erase it or I might have gotten suspended - sorry
[ edited by yellowstone on Dec 17, 2003 10:29 PM ]
posted on December 21, 2003 03:38:00 AM new
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobile deal and the AOL/Time
Warner implode, be aware of the next expected mergers
so that you can get in on the ground floor and make
some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2004:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller
Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers
join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and
Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor,
UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will
become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to
become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of
Women will become: Knott NOW!
posted on December 21, 2003 03:46:17 AM new
At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.
As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting
blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to
handle a most embarrassing situation.
She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."
George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you
hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
posted on January 6, 2004 04:51:06 PM new
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....
"Well, OK...but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...
OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?
---------------------------------------------
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
---------------------------------------------
At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.
Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.
Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door.
It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to go to sleep again.
However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, andthere he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.
As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once.
You're a great lover, Morris!"
Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says...
"WHAT?...You mean I was here already?!"
posted on October 11, 2004 03:59:48 PM new
>Three Little Pigs. - New Jersey Style
> >
> >Once upon a time there were three little pigs, the straw pig, the stick
>pig,
> >and the brick pig.
> >
> >One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said "I'm
> >gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!!!
> >
> >So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said
> >"Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house"! So the stick pig
>let
> >the straw pig in.
> >Just then the wolf showed up and said, " I'm gonna huff and puff and blow
> >your house down." And he did!!!
> >
> >So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pigs
>house
> >and said," Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses
> >down."
> >
> >So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up.
> >
> >The wolf said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down."
> >The straw pig and the stick were so scared! But the brick pig picked up
>the
> >phone and made a call.
> >
> >A few minutes passed and a big, black stretch limo pulls up.
> >
> >Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These
>pigs
> >come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living heck
>out of
> >him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired
> >killing the wolf, then they got back into their limo and drove off.
> >
> >The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! " Who the hell were those
>guys?"
> >they asked.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >"Those were my cousins from Jersey..........the Guinea Pigs."
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