posted on January 12, 2001 08:57:58 AM new
RainyBear.
This is a quote from my wife in a telephone call to me 30 years ago. " we have the opportunity to adopt a new born baby. If you don't want the baby, don't come home!!". She then hung up the phone. Was I in shock? no.
Fred
P.S my wife is a Doctor, a Lawyer. a Educator and anything else she put her mine to, but, most of all she is the mother of two most wonderful nonbiological adults in this world of ours.
posted on January 12, 2001 09:29:55 AM new
RainyBear...I think many of the posters were pretty eloquent in telling you some of what you can expect should you decide to bring home a baby. I wish I could put into words the wonders of having a little person around and rediscovering so much of our surroundings.
I was pretty ambivalent about having children, but my husband was adament. He was adopted and I think having a child of his own was just very important to him. It wasn't vital to me until I had trouble conceiving and then it became very important. I'd liken it to the alarm going off on my biological clock. I did, however, limit our family to just one child since I felt that was really all I was capable of handling well.
My husband and I look at each other now and try to remember what we used to spend our money on. Instead of quiet weekends working on the house or going on mini-getaways, we're sitting in the bleachers of baseball games. Our daily rituals revolve around one little guy who hates me one minute and then is clamoring for kisses the next.
When my son was a year old, a friend who was deciding whether to start her family asked me how I felt about having a child. I told her that a year before he was born, I couldn't have imagined my life with him and a year after he was born, I couldn't imagine my life without him. Just the thought of ever losing this child can reduce me to tears.
We are friends with several couples who are childless by choice and I commend them for realizing it's not what they want from life. And while one pair are jetting off to London again, I am asking them how much candy they want to buy from this year's school fund raiser. You know, I wouldn't trade places with them for anything!
posted on January 12, 2001 04:07:17 PM new
So many lovely, warm posts...with wonderful sentiments....
I wish to add a couple of points (spoken from a Mom of 3 boys 7, 10 & 16)
First off, my first son was a surprize....despite all the problems (including, but not limited to, his emergency c-section delivery & heart problem) the ONE thing that hit me the absolute hardest in the first few days of his life was "this is FOREVER"....No turning back, no deciding this wasn't gonna work out, nope he was mine for always!...I stood there, at the ripe age of 26 & realized how much I still relied on my mother (mostly emotionally, but still needed her badly!)....The concept of what this meant made me numb.
Second, in as far as Mom's duties vs Dad's duties....I have one of the best husbands with regard to shared parenting duties. He would FLIP (and I mean FLIP!) when he was with the kids, I was out & someone (anyone) would comment that he was "babysitting"...Drove him nuts!....He (all on his own, I must add) never saw the logic in that comment, when they were just as much his kids and mine & no one would ever say that mom was babysitting!....My favorite memory is when he ran all over the elementary school on Back to School night trying to find the PTO president (a woman) who made a Dad's babysitting comment during her speach to the assembled parents!...I thank the Lord that he never did find her that night, or I would have be forced to move outta the town!....
Third (and final comment).....if you wish to do some practicing, I strongly suggest that you do not borrow a baby....Oh no, babies are easy....set up a few weekends to borrow a few kids...Pick one at a time from different age groups & see how you both feel come Sunday night!.....There are lots & lots of parenting classes for babies, but very few for the rest of the years, when you could really use some advice!....
Oh, and one more thing....kids can be the greatest joy you have if your life, BUT they can also cause some of your greatest pain & frustration. Besides their issues, (which you agree to when you "sign on" to the parent plan) the pain that you feel when they are hurt, either by illness or by cruelty (at the hands of others) can be excruciating and in many cases something you can do absolutely nothing about.....
I hope that you both follow your hearts & and find the path that you are to follow on your life journey....
posted on January 12, 2001 05:03:35 PM new
I just now read this thread~ agree with most all the posts in one way or another.
I am 38 and hubby is 36~we do not have kids and do not plan on any. Now, we love babies and children, but neither one of us seems to be able to sustain a maternal or paternal instinct for more than a few hours!
We are quite happy and content~and pleased with the fact that we can pretty pick up and change our entire lives at a moments notice and not have to worry about anyone else.
And we are very selfish~the money and time involved just overwhelms us!
I will say that both of us are younger(immature?) in our thinking and lifestyle because of it. When I see a teenager~I am floored to think I could be his mother~my actual age doesn't seem real at all! But I notice that when we are at rock concerts, I do worry about the kids getting hurt in the mosh pits more than I used to~but this is usually right befor I jump in myself! I think all this would be different if we had kids.
We wonder if we will be unhappy in our old age that we didn't have children and grandchildren to visit us~but this doesn't seem to be reason enough to have them.
Now, will we change our minds?~maybe~but we will have to really be sure. My mom had kids in her mid forties, so I probably have a few years yet~but I honestly think we will be childless forever!
One thing for sure, either decision changes your life forever.
posted on January 12, 2001 05:22:44 PM new
When I received the phone call my first thought was, "Oh no!". I still regret that those were also my first words. (Well, I never have been very good at masking my feelings.) We weren't married, we both had careers, we were already middle-aged, and we definitely weren't prepared to be parents. Later that day we discussed our options. I found out I was the only one who thought that there were options. I regret that conversation, too.
Fast forward to today. We have an eight year old son. He is the best thing that ever happened to us. We can't even imagine our lives without him.
Having a child can be the best and worst thing all at once. I don't believe that anyone is 100% sure. I changed (I think for the better) when I became a dad. It feels good most of the time.
If I'm making a point here at all, it is that you won't be the same afterwards. Whatever you believe to be true before you have a child is likely to change dramatically when it actually happens. I don't know the reasons for this. It may be some atavistic parenting instinct or something more metaphysical. Regardless of the origin of the feelings, they're real (at least to me).
posted on January 13, 2001 09:38:23 AM new
Yes, we were 100% sure we wanted children. We talked about it before we were married, though we didn't settle on a time frame. When it felt like the time was right, I got pregnant.
We've never regretted the decision.
However, there were(are) times when the kittens seem to go out of their way to try and make us question the wisdom of our decision to have them...
posted on January 14, 2001 06:49:35 AM new
Yes, we too were 100% sure we wanted children. We even planned my pregnancy so I would deliver a few months after my husband graduated from college. We really looked forward to starting our family. Our second son was born two years later, also a planned pregnancy. Never any doubt in our minds. Never regretted it either.
