posted on August 29, 2001 12:16:54 PM new
Do most of the women you know keep their maiden names when they marry? Of my three siblings, one kept her maiden name, one changed to her husband's name and kept his name after they divorced, and one who has been married four times kept the maiden name during two of those marriages. I married thirty years ago and changed my name on my driver's license because the DMV clerk said that I had to. To change it back, I had to petition the court (in 1972). At that point as many judges denied that request by a married womanas approved it, but I suppose I was lucky and mine was approved.
My reason for wanting to use my maiden name was because I was used to it. It had been my name for twenty-three years and even though it is a paternal name I didn't want to change it. More than half of my married female friends use their maiden names. Somtimes, when their children enter school, they hyphenate it or take their husbands' names to lessen problems for their children.
posted on August 29, 2001 12:23:55 PM new
I've only had one friend keep her maiden name after her marriage--but she hyphenated it. Her maiden name was Fister, and after marriage she used Fister-Liltz.
Of the friends who have divorced, most have gone back to their maiden names. One, however, decided to change instead to *her* mother's maiden name as she didn't like her own maiden name--Weiner (pronounced "whiner" ). I told her she should have gone back to as then her daughter could have been a whiner in name as well as personality (you have to meet the girl to understand).
edited for UBB
[ edited by bunnicula on Aug 29, 2001 12:24 PM ]
posted on August 29, 2001 12:26:26 PM new
Eventho I am proud of my maiden name, it was unpronounceable if you saw it written and totally unspellable if you heard it spoken. I was so happy to get a name that is very simple, easy to spell....and would fit completely on forms! It's nice and short!
posted on August 29, 2001 12:31:03 PM new
bunnicula, the lawyer for NOW gave me a copy of the court petition that had been successful for them in several instances. The petitioner's married name was Mister. I guess she didn't want to handle the Mrs. Mister jokes.
posted on August 29, 2001 12:49:48 PM new
My experience is that I miss my maiden name. Since I was married, I have had an identity crisis associated with having a married name
...especially now, since it begins with the infamous letter "W".
posted on August 29, 2001 12:57:01 PM new
I am not matrimonially inclined--too independent. But, if I ever was to get married, I would definitely be keeping my own name. Taking the guy's name has always smacked to me of becoming his property, especially when folks also disregard your first name as well (as in Mrs. John Doe--yechh!). And besides, "Umpleby" is a great name to have & hard to beat.
posted on August 29, 2001 01:05:37 PM new
Margot, that is what my sister said of one of her married names - short and sweet.
Helen, my mother-in-law still addresses her correspondence to me as "Mrs. John Doe" even though I'm Jane Roe. It doesn't matter if I've signed birthday, Christmas, or Mother's Day cards differently for thirty years. Some expression escapes me right now - something to do with old dogs and new tricks.
posted on August 29, 2001 01:23:08 PM new
saabsister
Believe me!!! Mother in Laws never change. I have one that is simply undescribable in a short chat forum. But to make a long story short, I feel like a survivor that deserves the one million dollar award.
posted on August 29, 2001 01:25:20 PM new
Married twice, changed names both times...(Last one still with me!)....I am an independent, free thinkin', do what I want kinda woman, but I actually LIKE sharing his name...gives me a warm cozy feelin'.....&...it's MUCH better than my maiden name which was a Lithuanian name, Americanized several generations ago, into something unpronounceable. After spending my life having folks mispronounce it, slaughter it, give up and just call me Rancher "T", I don't miss it. On the down side, my family name goes no further than my generation, as there were no boys in the family to carry it on.
In my former corporate life, there were many many women, who did not change their names, because they were already established with their maiden names. Hyphenates bug me (not that it's really any of MY business what you call yourself) but I remember when they were all the rage (late 70's / early 80's. Like a sign that "I'm a equal rights woman". Ya don't need a label for that, just the proper prospective.
posted on August 29, 2001 01:53:56 PM new
Watch it there, Helen.
I'm a mother-in-law and a darn good one. I mind my own business and I give great Christmas gifts.
--------
Hi Saabsister,
Before my youngest daughter got married in 1999, she braced me beforehand that she would be keeping her maiden name. I admit that I was one of those old-fashioned thinkers.
Two reasons:
She is very independent and pretty much felt as Bunnicula said about being someone's property. Her husband had no objections to her decision.
My husband was an only son and since we didn't have any boys, she said she wanted to keep her name out of respect for her dad and his family. Wasn't that sweet?
posted on August 29, 2001 02:08:10 PM new
I dropped my middle name and use my maiden name as a middle name - no hyphen. It's on everything legal. I hated it growing up and relegated it to middle name the first time I married.
Still have the first hubby's last name since I didn't really change anything when I got married the second time, except on my checking account. First hubby's last name is easy to spell, say, etc. Nice and waspy and unmemorable. That's why I've kept it.
posted on August 29, 2001 02:32:58 PM new
I changed my last name a couple of years before I got married. My "maiden name" (what an old-fashioned term) has always been difficult for people to spell and pronounce, so I changed it to my dad's middle name -- which is also a common, simple last name -- for professional reasons. No one but me was really happy with that decision, but they could have been a lot unhappier because I almost changed my first name, too.
When I got married, I saw no reason to change my last name again, and I think the tradition of taking one's husband's last name is a biased and outdated one. My husband was disappointed that I wasn't taking his name and felt like it was a slight against him. He's a very traditional guy in many ways. We even got in a couple of pretty good fights about it, and friends and family found it confusing because I didn't have my parents' last name or my husband's last name.
Eventually I gave in and changed it, a little more than two years after I got married, both for them and for me. I also restored my given middle name, which I'd dropped with the first name change. When I made the decision to change it I didn't tell my husband... I wanted to show him the name change papers as a surprise... and when I did his reaction wasn't at all what I expected. Instead of being happy about it he was shocked and said he felt guilty for pressuring me to change my name. He liked the fact that I'd done it, but he didn't want for me to have done something like that when I didn't want to.
It was the right choice, though, and I haven't regretted it at all. Now I don't have a ton of explaining to do when people ask, my friends and family don't have to wonder how to address envelopes to me, and my hubby is happy. It helped to unify us, too -- instead of being "Jimbo Feezlebubbit and Sally Mae Cornswiper" we're now "The Feezlebubbits" (OK, not really, but you get the idea).
One male coworker of mine was upset about my decision and expressed the opinion that it's not right for women to have to compromise their identities when they marry. He and his wife both changed their last names and chose a new one for themselves when they got married, and although his family wasn't very happy about it, it was the right decision for him.
The only thing that really bothers me is getting letters addresses to "Mr. and Mrs. Jimbo Feezlebubbit." It's like, "AHEM! I have a FIRST NAME!" It always cracked me up when my wonderful sister-in-law (back before I took hubby's name) would send letters to "Mr. and Mrs. Sally Mae Cornswiper."
By the way, the name change had zero effect on the power balance within my marriage, which is still nearly 100% equal (possibly tilted a little toward my side because I make most of the financial decisions). It did, however, make me feel closer to my husband and it made him happy, ending the tension the issue had caused. I haven't regretted it at all.
posted on August 29, 2001 02:40:41 PM new
I'm another one who had un unpronouncable 13-letter name.
Then, I married a guy whose name is actually a slur and no one WANTED to say it. (Imagine if you were black and your name was the N-word). I still thought it was better than my maiden name, since the maiden name was so long no one could say it or write it, and it was too long for nametags & such. At least my new married name was short.
Divorced, I remarried a guy with a short & common name, I love it.
I also unofficially changed my first name to Victoria when I remarried. My name is not legally Victoria. But the law says I can call myself whatever I want as long as there is no purpose to deceive.
posted on August 29, 2001 03:56:36 PM newI am an independent, free thinkin', do what I want kinda woman, but I actually LIKE sharing his name...gives me a warm cozy feelin'.....&...it's MUCH better than my maiden name which was a Lithuanian name, Americanized several generations ago, into something unpronounceable.
My thoughts exactly! Except, that I went from a very pronouncable name to a more difficult one.
posted on August 29, 2001 05:45:30 PM new
In light of that revelation, Victoria, I think I'll start calling my youngest Elizabeth, which was my mother's and grandmother's name.
I was always sorry I hadn't given her that name. She said she would have much rather been known as Elizabeth.
Since she was going to be the only natural child of my husband's (by me, anyway), I let him pick her name.
His first wife didn't want to ruin her figure with a pregnancy.
posted on August 29, 2001 06:25:11 PM new
I changed my name when I got married and don't regret it at all. My first name was Hoerz (pronounced Hertz). But if you've never seen it before and try to pronounce it phonetically, it comes out 'whores'. It wasn't a problem in the little town I grew up in but I didn't like it when I got to college.
I played sports in college. I still remember being announced at a volleyball game (they introduced all the players beforehand as you ran onto the court). The announcer said "Here's Barbara 'Whores' of the MIT Beavers". (What can I say - the beaver is MIT's school emblem.)
Remember how I said it was pronounced "Hertz". Well, my grandfather, father and brother were all 'Richard'. Yup - Dick 'Hertz'.
(I swear this is all true.)
So - when I married a guy with a nice normal but not run-of-the-mill name, I had no hesitation about switching. When we divorced, I kept it. My two sons have the name, why should I change it to something different?
If I ever re-marry (doubtful), the only way I'd change it is if he had a nice last name like 'Rockerfeller' or 'Kennedy' or ......
posted on August 29, 2001 07:03:05 PM new
I've kept my fathers name for almost 44 years now, one, I never married and if I did, I don't know if I would, I'm too used to it, and its a name everyone mispronounces also. Its short, but everyone gets it wrong.
The only one that has the name is my father, my brother and me. My fathers wife never took his name. My brothers wife won't take the name ack!
Of course my mother,long deceased now, took the name, most women did take their husbands name in the 40's.
I remember my mother signing everything,
Mrs John Doe. Never thought about it then, but now? well thats the way they did things way back when.
Now my kids they have their fathers name, he had to sign adoption-like papers in the hospital so they could have his name.
posted on August 29, 2001 07:39:37 PM new
My daughter got pregnant when she was 15. The father was 14. She did keep my wonderful grandson and has been a super mom. Can't say so much for the father.
But, my daughter was at least smart enought to know that she would probably not stay into adulthood with the father of her baby. My grandson carries our last name, not his father's.
Now my daughter is 26, married, and has a 5 yr old stepson, a 8 month old daughter and her son.
My daughter kept her last name so that her son would not be the only one with a different name. So her husband, stepson and daughter are all "Duzenberry." My daughter and grandson are "Burke."
(She did tell me privately that she wasn't crazy about "Duzenberry." Could have been her mother-in-law's maiden name, Turnipseed, which is a fine old Native American name.)
At least I get to tell my granddaughter that she's a "Duzie."
posted on August 29, 2001 07:44:30 PM new
My mom changed her name unofficially too, her name is Dolce (means sweet in Italian) , which was also the namebrand of toliet paper when she was growing up. She chose Ann and it is the name she uses for almost everything except tax related stuff. Everybody calls her Ann except her her mom & sisters. She has a sister Gwendolyn and Luchia. Luchia was nicknamed Butchie as a child and it stuck.
We sound almost gothic, don't you think?
posted on August 29, 2001 07:50:13 PM new
My ex's last name is Yu, i kept it after our divorce many a year ago. Just fits. He and I had two wonderful boys, the marriage went kerplunk but I have always honered what we created.
It is a tribute to my children to carry their father's name. I will never change this surname. Geesh--guess I am #1 wife.
edited to add, present and past tense has always stymied me.
posted on August 29, 2001 08:03:47 PM new
I took my husband's last name. He is Slovak - I am Irish, but the name was Americanized long ago ... you know how it was.
I miss my maiden name ... easy to understand, easy to spell ... BUT that is the children's last name and thus it will forever be mine.
posted on August 29, 2001 08:14:26 PM new
My last name is Irish also. When I lived in Georgia, we were the only family in town with that surname. Half of the people I encountered couldn't pronounce it or spell it. Now in the DC burbs most people can pronounce it and I'm always surprised when they can spell it also. It's not as common as my husband's name - maybe several columns in the phone book as opposed to several pages.
posted on August 31, 2001 02:42:36 AM new
Growing up I always dreamed of the day I would get married so I didn't have such a common name. You know, the one that has 20 pages in the phone book...Wilson. So fine, I marry a guy who's last name is Martinez. In my neck of the woods, that's just as common, if not more so, than Wilson. So I traded a common name in one country for a common name in another. I look back now and think it would've been amusing to hyphenate the two. But I'm too lazy to write both names out...
posted on August 31, 2001 07:49:56 AM new
This is a timely topic for me as I've just encountered the biggest hassle with our state BMV when I tried to add my maiden name back on my driver's license.
I was married in '81 and had a great job at the time so I did the hyphenated last name thing. What a nightmare that was! I received my first paycheck after my marriage with the last names reversed so that my husband's name was first, then my maiden name. I got that straightened out but I always felt the long name was a burden.
I finally dropped the maiden name when I got pregnant as I knew the children would have dad's last name and I wanted us all to bear the same name.
Now, fifteen years later, I'm lamenting the loss of my maiden name. Is it a mid-life crisis, or what? I just feel lost without "my" name, the one I was born with. So, it's been bothering me and I tought I'd do something my sister did. She uses her maiden name as her middle name.
I had to renew my driver's license this past week and I asked them to add the name onto the new license. They resisted and I had to document my maiden name with my birth certificate and whatever else I could find. They finally agreed to add it and now I'm "Jane Smith Doe." I'm happy that both names are there.
The maiden name of a woman is important. I would visit my Dad's grave periodically and I always wondered who this "Sarah Gordon" woman was in their family plot. One of my cousins was doing genealogical research and found out that she's my dad's grandmother. Sarah G's first husband, who bore our family name, died and she remarried later in life. When she died, they buried her with her first husband, but with her last married name. I don't even know where the second husband is but it brought home to me that we didn't even know who she was because of the name and that particular name was not one she was born with, nor was it one that her children bore as she married this man later in life and had no children with him. Why would that name be the only one on the grave?
It just made me sad to realize that we don't always know who women belong to, family wise, because they have always changed their names, unlike most men.
posted on September 1, 2001 08:06:25 AM new
When we married I was so happy (and proud) to take his last name.
When Victoria said, "But the law says I can call myself whatever I want as long as there is no purpose to deceive it brought back the memory of when I applied for a 'secret' security clearance with a major aero-space company. I received a notice that they were only able to check my background back to 5th grade....before then....I didn't seem to exsist.
Come to find out, my last name (when my mother remarried) had been changed to her then husbands, but not legally. So from that point on I had to add 'AKA' (also known as) to all legal documents, giving both my legal last name and the last name used for me from the point until I married.
[ edited by bunnicula on Aug 29, 2001 12:24 PM ]
But, if I ever was to get married, I would definitely be keeping my own name. Taking the guy's name has always smacked to me of becoming his property, especially when folks also disregard your first name as well (as in Mrs. John Doe--yechh!). And besides, "Umpleby" is a great name to have & hard to beat.
Hippy wannabe 
~^~