posted on October 26, 2001 01:11:54 AM new
Tonite my mom called to tell me I needed to go and see my father, that he was not doing well. He has aged another 20 years overnite. He is so skinny, so sickly looking. The hospice nurse said we have only a very short time left.
I came here to try to get my head to stop hurting, my eyes to stop burning from the tears. Oh, God how this hurts.
I told my daughter not to look at him as it is far too painful even for me to face this reality. I sit here crying even as I type ... trying to work thru this pain.
He can barely talk, he mostly moans, but when I kissed him and told him I loved him he told me he loved me, too. I wonder if he will ever know what a precious gift he gave to me at that moment?
I don't know if I can go back to the house until this is over ... I am not strong enough to handle it. As my brothers and sister come in, I must stay away. I hope they do not hate me ...
I helped with him, I made the funeral arrangements, I went to the hospital whenever I was needed. This is one thing I cannot face.
Now, I must drag myself to bed. Thanks for listening.
Good bye to everyone one who is leaving these boards. You have been wonderful to me. I will miss you all.
posted on October 26, 2001 01:24:09 AM newBecky: I've walked in your shoes and I understand how hard it can be to watch someone you love fade away.
When you're not strong enough to handle something, lean on someone. Let them be your strength until yours is replenished.
If you find it won't be enough, do what you must and don't worry about what others might think. We each do what we have to do to survive and that will mean different things to different people.
posted on October 26, 2001 01:27:39 AM new
Becky, I am so so very sorry. Can I pray for you?
Dear God, only you know the true depth of Becky's pain. I lift her up to You and ask that you bring her comfort and strength in this very very difficult time. Be with her surrounding her with Your love and care and family and friends to lean on. Please ease her father's suffering and help him to find eternal peace and rest. Amen.
Please forgive me if prayer is wrong. I don't know what else to do to bring you comfort.
posted on October 26, 2001 01:29:06 AM new
{{{{{BECKY}}}}}}
I'm sorry for your pain. I wish I could say something to comfort you. You'll always have the special moments you have shared with your Father, nothing can take those memories away from you. I wish you peace.
~chyna~
posted on October 26, 2001 01:34:55 AM new
Becky, I just saw this and I am so sorry for what you are feeling and going through right now.
People do what they need to do at a particular moment to get by, and inner strength is a wonderful guide. Like shadowcat says, you do what YOU need to do to get through this. Your soul will guide you.
I am not very religious, but am spiritual; and what always comes to mind in really tough times for me is a passage from "Footprints" when God is explaining only one set of footprints...it is when he is carrying you.
I wish I could take away the pain you are feeling.
posted on October 26, 2001 03:35:16 AM new
I've walked in these shoes as well. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. It is one of the most difficult trials that anyone will ever face.
Everyone handles this type of thing differently, don't be too hard on yourself for not being able to be there right now. While my sister and I were with my Dad at the end, my brothers weren't able to be there. I didn't understand it at the time, but I think I do now.
I pray for strength for your family, and peace for your Dad. {{{{MrsSantaClaus}}}}
posted on October 26, 2001 04:08:07 AM new
It will be 2 years ago November 14th that I too walked in your shoes.
To this day I am grateful that I got to say that last "I love you" before he passed.
Do not be afraid to lean on someone. To have a support system during this hard time. You will want to be alone at first but having others there helps so much. I don't think we would have gotten through without having each other to lean on during the past 2 years. It is impossible to imagine the pain ever going away, and it won't entirely but it does get a little easier with time.
My heart aches for you and you and yours are in my prayers.
It has been fourteen years since my father died and as someone has posted already, the pain does fade, but that cannot be of any consolation to you right now.
I was with my father when life slipped away from him. He was such a gentle, loving man and he slipped away without a struggle. My father taught me so many lessons throughout my life...not so much by what he said as by how he lived... and I feel that he finally taught me one of the most important lessons of all: how to die in great peace and patience in the face of great pain. To be with him at that moment was a great gift and a great blessing.
In the last year of his life, when I left his home at night, he would always say: I love you and I will see you in the morning. Now, I have no fear of that Morning when I will see him again.
posted on October 26, 2001 06:27:44 AM new
Becky -
We've not often shared board space, but my heart goes to you today. I went through it with my mom almost 11 years ago, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. No one can tell you how to get through this - you just blindly muddle along every day, putting one foot in front of the other. Follow your heart on the issue of being there. If you can't, you can't - hold on to the fact you were able to say goodbye, to tell him you loved him, to hear him say he loved you. KNOW that he loves you for always.
posted on October 26, 2001 06:37:55 AM newBecky: My thoughts are with you. Each of us handles grief in our own way and it may not seem like it now, but there will come a time when you will be able to think about your father without pain, remembering all the the good things about him with love.
posted on October 26, 2001 06:43:28 AM new
Thank you all. Right now I need to be with people other than my family, to try to ease my pain so I can face the ordeal again, for whatever time is left.
I told my Mom and brother last nite, the ones that are there the most, and they understand. I am really worried about my brother, he has been there everyday. He is wonderful ... I owe him a debt of gratitude that I can never repay.
Your prayers help ... and it is really comforting to know people care.
I am going to spend some time with my husband's friends, they are wonderful people and will help just by being there. I know I need to take care of myself right now, then I will face whatever I need to with anyone who does not agree with my decision.
Thanks for the hugs ... I desperately need them right now.
posted on October 26, 2001 06:47:42 AM new
Been a while since I said hello or talked with you Becky, but just wanted you to know my heart goes out to you. I also lost my beloved father two and half years ago.
It's going to be a long, tough road. Especially later when you go to pick the phone to call you dad to tell him something or ask him a question, and then you remember...
If he is coherent and not in too much pain, go be with him Becky, it is as important to you as to him. Talk about the good times and share the good memories with him and make him smile, at least for a moment.
posted on October 26, 2001 09:20:00 AM new
Becky... My thoughts are with you. I too remember how difficult it was to see the pain and the fragile figure on the bed, a ghost of what once was.
posted on October 26, 2001 09:26:04 AM new
Becky, I know there are no words to take away the pain you are feeling, but I'm glad we here can offer some comfort to you.
I can understand why you cannot be with your dad now. It's not that you don't care, it's that you care very much.
You have shown your love and caring thoughout his illness. Now you have made the arrangements that had to be made, and taken that burden off other members of your family. I know other people that have been in your situation and have not been able to take care of those final arrangements. So like it's been said we all handle our pain in different ways. This is your way, and I don't believe you should feel quilty or worry about what others say.
posted on October 26, 2001 09:46:40 AM new
Do what feels right to you in your heart and don't think about it anymore. You love him and he knows it; he wouldn't ask for more.
My Dad died when I was 19 and away at college. I wish I had had the opportunity to say Good-bye.
Losing a parent is so sad. I'll be thinking about you and wishing you well.
posted on October 26, 2001 09:48:34 AM new
Hugs and warmest regards to you Becky.
Your posts and personality have always struck me as very kind-hearted and positive...I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. Please take care.
posted on October 26, 2001 09:55:45 AM new
Becky---do what is right for you--only you can make the choice.....but now I'll tell you my story.
I spent over 5 years being the primary care giver to my father, everyone else lived far away. He had multiple health problems and couldn't be left alone. The last little while he was in a wonderful care facility but I was there frequently, many times being there with him rather than with my kids.
His last day I left knowing he wasn't going to survive the night, but I couldn't bear to be there --he begged me to stay, he knew he was dying--I told him I would be back in a few hours. They called me later that night--he had died and I wasn't there for him because I couldn't bear to be. That choice has been almost too hard to live with it----so be careful---the choice you make now does not go away.
Your father has other loved ones around/ so it is different than what happened with me--so your choice may be the right one. No one in your family will hate you---whichever choice you make
My thoughts are with you and your family
[ edited by Zazzie on Oct 26, 2001 10:04 AM ]
posted on October 26, 2001 10:00:56 AM newworried about my brother, he has been there everyday. He is wonderful.
Isn't this amazing. When my grandmother was right there there was a grandson like this in our family. In her last days, my grandma would respond to no one else but this grandson. It was easy for people, especially her own daughters, to feel a little hurt over it. But I was able to turn my feelings into gratitude and peace knowing that she found comfort in him when she could find it no other way. Every person has that "special gift" that is unique. Give your brother an extra hug (or maybe a plate of hot food and a change of clothes) and don't feel regret if your gift is something different.
posted on October 26, 2001 10:22:56 AM new
Becky: I'm about 6 months behind where you are now. My dad is paralized and withering before my eyes. He won't have much more time.
jt: That was beautiful. I'm speechless.
The last Sunday before my son left on Monday Oct 8th, (being called back into the military), I made him come to church with me. At the end, the pastor offered a prayer for the armed services. I took my son to meet the pastor at the conclusion of the services, when I told the pastor my son was leaving in the morning, being recalled, he stopped everything and said a prayer on my son. I felt the same then as I did reading jt's post. I feel those spontaneous, heartfelt prayers reach heaven faster.
Not my name on ebay.
posted on October 26, 2001 06:20:58 PM new
Both my parents died the same year, I can really feel your pain.It is something you never forget.I have lost all my family except a brother. Alot of them died this year.
posted on October 26, 2001 10:54:32 PM new
MrsSantaClaus:
I am so sorry for you. This has got to be a very difficult time for you.
Since a great many people are leaving this board shortly and I don't know if our paths will cross again, I want to thank you.
Although you do not know me under my current posting name (and I prefer not to reveal my identity here) you made a big difference and profound impact in my life. You are one of the most compasionate and beautiful people I have known. You went out of your way to help me in ways I can never repay in a time when I was near suicidal. All you asked was prayers for your father and another person. I did pray for them and I will pray for you tonight when I go to sleep. I will pray for you and your father to find peace.
I do love you Becky!!!
______________________________
posted on October 28, 2001 03:26:39 PM new
Sometimes it amazes me at the compassion I find here on this discussion board, you are some of the most wonderful "friends" that I have ever had.
I know that shortly many we leave, some will stay. This area will never be the same. Please let me know where the rest of you are going.
I went away to a wedding with my husband and his friends. Mostly young guys between 25 and 35, the compassion they showed me was a gift. I knew with them I could laugh, I could cry, I could sing, or just get drunk and it would not matter. I underestimated them. I did make the best choice for me at the time.
Of course, he waited for me. I got a call early this morning to return home ... that he should have been gone but he was fighting ... waiting to say goodbye.
I am very thankful for his fight ... I had that conversation with him ... and told him all that I needed to. Yes, I even told me he was my Superman. He told me I was wonderful and that he loved me ... that precious conversation will remain in my heart forever.
I am typing this at Dad's house, my eyes are still burning, my head hurts ... but I have a renewed sense of energy. I will be here for many hours yet tonite.
The prayers are helping, and your kind words are very touching. Thank you all.
JustGeorge I am glad you are well. I have been worried about you. Realizing who you were brought a smile to my face.
jt You prayer is wonderful. Thank you.
For those of you who have been there, my heart goes out to you. For those of you who have not, please give your parents a kiss and tell them how you feel about them. That is what keeps me going these days.
Oh, and I left my brother read this thread ... it has been very comforting to him too. Of course, now he knows I said something nice about him.
posted on October 28, 2001 03:34:07 PM new
Words cannot express my thoughts and prayers that go out to you and your family. I can't see to type...the pain of losing my dad on August 16, 2000 is too fresh.
posted on October 28, 2001 03:37:00 PM new
You'll always remember that conversation, and I hope it brings you peace. You have the right to an informed opinion -Harlan Ellison
posted on October 28, 2001 04:08:30 PM new
Mrs. C...my prayers & strength to you & your family. I am sure that your father is very proud of you. Treasure these moments & remember we are here for ya!
posted on October 28, 2001 04:27:28 PM newBecky: please accept my condolences. I am so glad you had the chance to be there and say all you wanted to. You are in my thoughts tonight.
