posted on October 29, 2001 05:23:12 AM new
Once more before I'm booted off, for old times sake...
Ode to a Deadbeat Bidder
[Or, "These Are a Few of My Favorite Excuses"]
If you're awfully sick
And just can't mail that check
Yet you still find the strength
To keep bidding at length
You just might be a deadbeat
If your house has collapsed
And your payments have lapsed
And your car has been stolen
But that bidding keeps rollin'
You just might be a deadbeat
If your aunt has the flu
And you don't know what to do
And your dog bit some kid
Yet you continue to bid
You just might be a deadbeat
If you suffer from hives
From eating bad chives
But in spite of the pain
You go bid once again
You just might be a deadbeat
If your bank account's bare
And there's no money there
Yet you just can't resist
Adding to your bid list
You just might be a deadbeat
If your life is a wreck
'Cuz you bought too much dreck
And you say "that's enough!"
And then bid on more fluff
You just might be a deadbeat
If your husband got drunk
And ran over a skunk
And everything stinks
But you still bid on things
You just might be a deadbeat
If your whole town exploded
And you're feeling railroaded
By some government thug
Yet you bid on a rug
You just might be a deadbeat
If the Universe ended
And space-time is bended
And it's now Judgment Day
But you still bid on eBay
You just might be a deadbeat
If you say you can't pay
Yet you still bid away
All night and all day
Then I just have to say
The chances are good
That in all likelihood...
YOU'RE A DEADBEAT!!!!
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If the National Guard
Has surrounded your yard
And placed your latrine
Under strict quarantine
Because of a virus
That threatens to mire us
All in a plague
[Though the details are vague]
And you can't go outside
But must stay in and hide
And the Commies have landed
And your neighbors are banded
All together in fear
And you know death is near
And your house has no juice --
Whate'er the excuse,
Whate'er you might say,
If you're bidding away...
YOU'RE A DEADBEAT!!!
---------------------------------------------
If you stepped on a tack
Slipped, fell, broke your back
And your cat got run over
By a two-ton earth mover
And your wife ran away
Declaring she's gay
And your life has no hope
And you feel like a dope
And your feet smell so bad
That your neighbors are mad
At the horrible stench
And one just took a wrench
And dismantled your porch
And then took a torch
And set it on fire
Like a funeral pire
And there's been a bad drought
So it just won't go out
And, in a nutshell,
Your life is just hell...
Well, I'm sorry to say
That if you go to eBay
And keep bidding away
And won't send me my pay
Then I don't really care
If your life isn't fair
Because, mon frere,
YOU'RE A DEADBEAT!!!
---------------------------------------------
If you're so uninspired
That your boss had you fired
And there's no longer money to earn;
If you sit in your room
'Neath a black cloud of gloom
Feeling just like a large wilted fern;
If the stock market plunged
And your wealth got expunged
And your insides have started to churn;
If your house is a mess
Like a pool full of cess
And you're shocked to suddenly learn
That the reason it stinks
Is 'cuz two little finks
Put a bag full of poop out to burn;
If you think you've gone crazy
'Cuz your memory's hazy
And you don't know where else you can turn;
Well, I would sympathize
With the tears in your eyes
And the pain in your thighs
And the warts big as pies
And all of your problems galore,
But it just isn't funny
When you won't send my money
And yet you keep bidding on more
So, no matter the reason
[What, it's the holiday season?]
If you are still bidding away,
Well, I'm not Santa Claus
And you're busted because
I only have this much to say:
)