posted on February 24, 2002 10:29:03 AM new
From Ogden, this week's curling capital of the world, comes this local columnist's take on the Olympic scene:
Calvin and Saal at the Olympics: Another fine idea,
lost in the shuffle
Sun, Feb 24, 2002
By MARK SAAL
Standard-Examiner Foreign Affairs Specialist
Nobody gets me.
Months ago I had this great idea for having some fun with our Olympic
visitors. But every time I suggested it to someone, they stared back at me
like I"d just given birth to a Klingon.
See, Calvin has this nice, thick, graying beard. And, having been a
Mormon all his life, he possesses that stern, patriarchal look. So my idea
was this: We dress him up in this sort of Amish-looking outfit. Then, we
hire three women from a local escort service, have them remove all of
their . . . makeup (What did you think I was going to say?), braid their
hair and dress in ankle-length gingham and/or calico dresses. Then we
turn the four of them loose in downtown Salt Lake City and count how
many times their images make it on international television and news
pages. That, or how quickly the Leavitts whisk Cal away to jail. Either
way, I"m laughing my fanny pack off.
Hey, we"re only thinking of our international visitors here. Can you
imagine the disappointment of foreigners coming to Utah and not seeing a
single polygamist? That"s like going to Disneyland and not getting to take
your picture with the guy in the Mickey Mouse costume. Calvin and his
escorts could have easily become the unofficial mascot of these Games.
But as it is, that was just one more of the many things we never got
around to doing. So many ideas, so little time.
Like . . .
THE FRENCH. You know, if I"m the government of France, I"d be all
for embarking on a massive public relations campaign to improve the
image of my people. I"d hire some Canadians, or people from some
other equally friendly country, to pose as Frenchfolk -- sans the attitude
-- at international events like the Olympics.
It wouldn"t happen overnight, but after a few years of this, people would
begin to say, "You know, those French are just the nicest people,"
instead of, "OK, so how many years probation would I get for running
over one of these creepy jerks with my car?"
YEE-HAW! We never did get around to examining PETA"s beef with
the Olympic Rodeo. The animal rights group"s battle cry was, "Cruelty is
not a sport." True, but if it were, we"ll bet the Fox Network would carry
it. And it would probably draw more viewers than golf.
FLAME ON. Bored? Here"s an idea: Drive down to one of the oil
refineries in North Salt Lake, pull up to the security guard at the gate,
point at one of those tall pipes that burns off the oil residue and in your
best foreign accent say, "Vee vould lakk to zee zee oolympic flame,
pleece."
THAT HAT. Just because Team USA wore them at the Opening
Ceremony, everybody has to have one of those dopey-looking berets.
Next Olympics, our athletes should enter the stadium wearing
movie-popcorn buckets on their heads, then sit back and watch the fun.
And finally . . .
THE OLYMPIC SPIRIT. Just be glad you haven"t seen the things
Calvin and I have over the past three weeks. Because the more closely
you peer at the inner workings of the Games, the more difficult it is to
"Light the Fire Within." Judging scandals, pork shortages, whining
Russians -- we"ve come to realize that the Olympic movement is an awful
lot like a bowel movement. Except it smells worse. And there"s a lot
more paperwork involved.
Yet despite all this, last Thursday we really thought we had finally lit that
Olympic fire that Mitt Romney has been talking about. And then -- go
figure -- it turned out to be nothing more than heartburn from a bad
quarter-pounder at the Main Media Center. A couple of Pepto, and
we"d successfully extinguished the fire within.
Survey says . . . two years! According to the county attorney, that"s
how much probation you"d get for running over a person of French
extraction. Contact Calvin and Saal at 625-4272 or
[email protected]
