posted on April 16, 2002 08:15:14 AM new
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish
stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute
roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take
them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay
for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small
net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging.
Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the
jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the
contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m.
begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down
your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your
bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a
dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for
5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of
paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper
tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use
only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk
carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs.
Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice
cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it
there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a
family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into
the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of
your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of
the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes.
You won't be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter.
Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest
food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your
paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a
newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on
how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance,
toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways
they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never
allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It
will be the last time you will have all the answers.
posted on April 16, 2002 09:21:09 AM new
A test like this would prepare everyone for milkshakes in the back seat and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches inserted into the old VCR's...
posted on May 14, 2002 06:01:16 PM new
I'm hanging by a thin string. If I get a laugh or even a weak smile it helps to know it. Otherwise it's like talking into a black hole. I have a kid I can do that with.
