posted on May 1, 2002 11:50:38 AM new
.....but then who does like going to funerals?
My Cousin died on Monday in Denver and I am dreading even going to her funeral. I am however looking forward to seeing family that I haven't seen in years. I think I might not go to the service and my reason is that I don't want that to be the last memory that I have of my Cousin.
When my Aunt Died in about 1978 I was the only one that didn't go to her funeral service and my mom told me that she wished that she hadn't gone either because the funeral home did a bad job of fixing her up for the last viewing. I didn't go so I don't have that last memory of my Aunt.
My last memory of my Cousin is when she was alive and happy and I want to keep it that way. The thought of seeing her or any of my loved ones in a coffin does not sit well with me.
Open caskett ceremonies in my opinion are a morbid part of a funeral service because it is the last memory of that person that you will have. I think it is enough to just resign yourself to the fact that your loved one is dead and then try to keep their memory as alive as you can. Pay your last respects yes but dont let their memory be sullied by viewing them as a dead person.
It isn't easy for me to talk so matter of factly about this. It's just that we will all have to face this issue at some time in our lives and I am having to face it once again in a couple of days. I thought by talking about it here I could find some solidarity.
posted on May 1, 2002 12:15:05 PM new
And I thought I was the only one who felt that way. I refuse to go to "viewings". I think it is so morbid. I will go to funerals, but if it is open casket, I sit in the back and leave quickly before the casket does.
My 10 year old sons (twin boys) and I went to the funeral for their "babysitter" (an 80 year old lady from our church). We sat in the back as soon as I realized the casket was open. At the end of the service, the ushers started in the back of the room and attempted to "herd" each pew towards the front of the room and past the casket. One of my sons quietly (but nervously) asked me if we had to go up there. When I told him no, he asked how we would do it without being obvious. We just stood with the rest of the people in the pew and made a left turn towards the back instead of a right turn towards the front.
My son was afraid we were rude, but to me it was rude to assume we wished to view her.
I am so glad you brought this up, since I will be going through it soon (another thread). I think my mom will opt for cremation. I will love and support my family but I will not "view".
My recollection of my dad when I close my eyes, will be teaching me to box (a bully - long story). Teaching me to pitch (He didn't have his boy yet) and coaching my boys in youth football. The head coach had to lecture the team, "We are all coaches, I'm coach XSXS, this is coach WWWW, and this is coach RRRR, not grandpa".
I'm sorry, I derailed your thread, but I agree with your feelings.
Not my name on ebay.
posted on May 1, 2002 12:41:45 PM new
My dad didn't want a traditional funeral and certainly not one in a church but that is exactly what the family wound up having. Sometimes it's easier just to go along with the program but I certainly understand how you feel, yellowstone.
posted on May 1, 2002 07:36:00 PM new
I am sorry for you yellowstone, and any others going through this now and I know it isn't easy to talk about. I will be facing the same thing very soon and I don't even want to think about it but it's in the back of my mind and it won't go away. I dread it.
posted on May 2, 2002 01:47:14 PM new
When I was 11 or 12, my great-grandmother passed away. She and I were very close.
At the funeral home, I didn't want to get anywhere NEAR the casket. Partially because I couldn't bear seeing my "Mammaw" like that, and partially because I was scared (keep in mind that I was just a kid!). That's the first deceased person I'd ever seen, and frankly, I was terrified.
My mom (who thought she was doing the right thing), forced me to go up and look at her. I was trying to not make a scene right there in the funeral home, and kept whispering quietly but fiercly "NO!", almost in tears. But my mom apparently didn't understand, and she pushed me right on up there. It was all I could do not to panic and fly out of the room. To this day, she doesn't realize how traumatic that was to me.
Although I have pleasant memories of her as well, the strongest memory of my "Mammaw" is being forced up there to look at her body. They even took photos of her in the casket, which, to me, is incredibly morbid. Maybe it's common to do that, I don't know.
Either way, I still avoid going to funerals or funeral homes. Not so much because I'm afraid, but because it just seems so morbid to put someone "on display" like that, making that your last memory of them. I'd rather remember them alive and happy.
posted on May 5, 2002 05:58:52 PM new
I thank all that replied and for your understanding in my time of need, Kiara, Helenjw, Thedewey and Valleygirl.
The service went well and I did not view the body. As it turned out I didn't have to because my cousin was creamated.
I got to see cousins that I hadn't seen in several years. One cousin that I hadn't seen in 25 years, thats too long to go between visits. My mom reconnected with a friend that she hadn't seen since she was 15.
This funeral got us all to thinking that we need to have a family reunion. So sometime next year we will have it. It takes awhile to organize with a large family.
Wow, Denver is a big city, with all of it's surounding subburbs (sp?). It seems like there is a coffee shop on every other corner where you can get a $6.00 cup of coffee. And the REI store is 3 stories high.
posted on May 5, 2002 07:29:43 PM new
Thanks for the update, yellowstone. I was hoping that you would come back and say how it went for you. It helps me to focus on some of the positive things that may come out of it though I still dread it.
posted on May 6, 2002 03:49:46 PM new
When my parnets died (7months apart)alot of people tryed to force their beliefs of viewing the loved one,kissing them good-by or you'll have bad dreams ect.But my parents request was that they both have a closed casket,they wanted me to remember them alive rather than dead.I did and never had any regrets,my poor mom died in a mental hospital and was dead 10 hours before she was found.Needless to say the body wasn't in viewable shape after being froze for transport for two days.Don't let people opinions change your last minute decisions.
They even took photos of her in the casket, which, to me, is incredibly morbid. Maybe it's common to do that, I don't know.