posted on October 28, 2002 06:41:58 PM new
AT THE VETERINARIAN'S OFFICE;
A WOMAN RUNS INTO THE VETERINARIAN WITH
HER DOG IN HER ARMS CRYING "HELP..I THINK MY
DOG IS SICK"...THE VET TAKES THE DOG LOOKS
AT IT..TOUCHES IT AND SAYS "MA,AM YOUR DOG IS
DEAD" THE WOMAN LOOKS BACK AND SAYS "HE
CAN'T BE" THE DOCTOR BRINGS THE DOG TO THE
TABLE AND CHECKS THE DOG OUT AGAIN "I'M
SORRY MA'AM" HE SAY'S...THE WOMAN..NOT
GIVING IN SAYS "NO THERE'S GOT TO BE
SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN DO...SO THE DOCTOR
TELLS HER TO WAIT..LEAVES..AND COMES BACK WITH
A LARGE FURRY CAT AND WAVES IT OVER THE DOG..
WITH THIS THE WOMAN IS FINALLY CONVINCED, AND
THE DOCTOR GIVES HER THE BILL....."WHAT!! $950.00
HOW CAN THIS BE"..THE DOCTOR REPLIED ITS $50.00
FOR THE CHECK UP...AND $900.00 FOR THE CAT SCAN.
THE PANDA;
A PANDA FINISHES EATING AT THE DINER,
STANDS UP AND SHOOTS THE WAITER DEAD
WHEN HE STARTS TO WALK OUT
THE MANAGER GRABS HIM AND SAYS "HEY WHAT
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING..YOU JUST SHOT
MY WAITER, AND YOU DIDN'T PAY FOR THE SANDWICH".
THE PANDA REPLIES "HEY I'M A PANDA...LOOK IT UP".
THE MANAGER OPENS THE DICTIONARY AND FINDS
THIS DEFINITION
A TREE DWELLING MARSUPIAL, OF ASIAN ORIGIN
CHARICTORIZED BY DISTINCT BLACK & WHITE
COLORING, EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES
SPEEDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY;
A MAN WAS SPEEDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY ..WHEN HE
NOTICED A COP WITH HIS LIGHTS AND SIREN GOING BEHIND
HIM...HE THOUGHT TO HIMSELF "I CAN OUTRUN THIS GUY"
SO HE SPEEDS UP..70MPH..80MPH..90MPH..WITH THE COP
STILL RIGHT BEHIND HIM HE GAVE UP AND PULLED OVER
THE COP CAME UP TO HIS CAR AND SAID "LISTEN MISTER
I'VE HAD A REALLY LOUSY DAY, IF YOU GIVE ME A GOOD
EXCUSE FOR YOUR SPEEDING I'LL LET YOU GO" TO THIS
THE MAN REPLIED "THREE WEEKS AGO MY WIFE RAN
OFF WITH A POLICE MAN, AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE
HIM, TRYING TO GIVE HER BACK"..
posted on October 28, 2002 11:02:28 PM new
The best laughs I get are from Bush. Here's one of his latest ones...
"There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, it's probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on ... shame on you. Fool me ... You can't get fooled again." - G.W. Bush quoted by the Baltimore Sun - Oct 6, 2002
posted on October 29, 2002 08:59:39 AM new
kraftdinner
I laughed at that one too and still think it's funny, not very eloquent was he.
The Democrats and their supporters are known to come up with some belly busters as well like Algore saying that he invented the internet and Barbara Striesand trying to quote Shakespeare!
posted on October 29, 2002 01:02:57 PM new
LOL! KD! Very Funny quote and it's certainly one for the Bush Encyclopedia of Ignorant Sayings. And definitely on a par with Al Gore's miswording of his accomplishments with the Internet -- although Bush was just being plain stupid. I've never heard of Barb doing Shakespeare and I can't imagine why that would be something to ridicule her by. Can you explain it to me, Yellowstone? I don't get it.
posted on October 29, 2002 04:20:53 PM new
yellowstone- You left out the part about the vet swinging a Labrador Retreiver by the tail over the sick dog. $950= $50 for the Lab test and $900 for the Cat scan!!!!!
posted on November 4, 2002 04:48:19 PM new
Joke Rating: 4.3
Explicitness: Dirty
So God decides that he doesn't want to let people into heaven for one or two good deeds, so he decides that you either had to have had a perfect life and a really shitty day the day you die. So, St. Peter is watching the pearly gates when a man walks up, Peter says, "I'm sorry to have to ask you this, but how was your day today?"
The man says "Other than the fact that I DIED... I supected my wife was cheating on me for about 6 months now, but I could never prove it. I went home and I find her laying naked on the bed, I know she isn't waiting for me because we haven't had sex in a year. So I lock the door and search the apartment, I can't find a damn thing. So I figure that I'll believe my wife and maybe get a little... well you know, and just before I am about to #*!@ her, I see fingers hanging from my 10th story balcony, I figured he didn't climb up. So I look and there is a man hanging naked from my 10th story balcony. I step on his fingers, but he lands in bushes and doesn't die, so I find the first thing I can, which happens to be a full size refridgerator and throw it over the blacony. It took me with it, I am now dead, and I hope he is too."
St. Peter says, "wow, that was a lousy day, you may enter heaven." Then another man walks up and Peter says, "I'm sorry to have to ask this, but how was your day today?"
The man says, "Well, actually I've been having a pretty lousy week, we have a big merger at work, the boss is riding my ass. So I came home to take a hot shower, when I get out I put on my bathrobe and start to walk on my treadmill because exercising relieves stress. My feet are so slippery that I fall off the treadmill and over the edge of my 11th story balcony. My robe comes off and I grab onto the ledge of the balcony below me. I am hanging from the 10th story balcony naked, but I figure I'm ok, then some idiot comes and steps on my fingers. I fall into a bunch of bushes, break a few bones, but don't die. I figure I'm alright, until I look up, and there is a fridge coming at me."
St. Peter is now trying his hardest not to laugh, he finally says "you can go in." The third man who walks up is Bill Clinton, and Peter starts thinking, 'Oh my goodness, is there a war, terrorism, what could have happened to the president?' He finally askes, "Mr. Clinton, how was your day today?" And Bill says, "Picture this, I'm naked in a refridgerator!"
.................................................
I live in my own little world, but it is Okay...They know me here.
posted on November 4, 2002 10:27:28 PM new
Thanks for that chuckle about Barb's misquote! I've heard that quote here in the RT before, but I was not aware that it was trying to imitate any Shakespeare, as anyone who loves Shakespeare can tell it's not the poet at all!
That incident reminds me of the so-called Nostradamus Quatrain [sp?], "At the end of the millinium will come forth the Village Idiot to rule the greatest nation in the world, etc." Laughable, too! Just goes to show that you're better off reading the real thing, rather than trying to make yourself look good with quotes! And for the best quotes, one should always get them from a reliable source!
posted on November 7, 2002 09:35:06 PM new
Subject: How to bathe the cat
> >
> >
> > >
> > > 1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
> > >
> > > 2. Lift lid and add shampoo.
> > >
> > > 3. Find and soothe cat as you carry it to the bathroom.
> > >
> > > 4. In one swift move place cat in toilet, close lid, and stand on it
> so
> > >
> > > cat cannot escape.
> > >
> > > 5. The cat will self-agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore the
> > > ruckus from inside toilet; cat is really enjoying this.)
> > >
> > > 6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is
> > > quite effective.
> > >
> > > 7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as
> > > possible, and quickly lift both lids.
> > >
> > > 8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where it
> will
> > > air dry.
> > >
> > > Sincerely,
> > >
> > > The Dog
posted on November 7, 2002 09:52:51 PM new
Twist it around all you want, but I was not trying to make myself look good by posting it.
By posting the following one could just as well believe that you were trying to make yourself look good, if one looked at it from your way of thinking;
That incident reminds me of the so-called Nostradamus Quatrain [sp?], "At the end of the millinium will come forth the Village Idiot to rule the greatest nation in the world, etc."
yellowstone