posted on November 8, 2002 11:23:49 PM newTop Ten Signs That You As A Democratic Candidate Had A Bad Campaign Manager
10. His advice before every debate: "When in doubt, start weeping"
9. He won't let you appear in public without your KISS make-up
8. His resume includes the names "Dukakis" and "Mondale"
7. He complains that your platform lacks a "pro-Macarena" plank
6. As a debate strategy he suggests that you just keep saying “whoa, dude!”
5. When you're on "PrimeTime Live," he keeps running on camera to swat Sam Donaldson's eyebrows
4. He builds your campaign around promise to apprehend Lex Luthor
3. Instead of a "plan for broad tax cuts," he announces a "tax cut plan for broads"
2. Constantly whining to press that you should have been on men's relay team
1. He spreads a rumor that your opponent wants to outlaw aerosol cheese
Top Ten Signs You As A Democrat Are Not Going to Win the Election
10. Your campaign manager keeps mispronouncing your name
9. On outside of letter you get from Publisher's Clearinghouse: "You may already be a loser!"
8. Campaign rally chants of "Four more years!" refer to your prison sentence
7. Your "motorcade" is down to a rental car and a fat kid on a bike.
6. All the TV ad time you bought was on CBS prime time
5. Next to your name on the ballot it says, "Yeah, right."
4. You rise to offer a rebuttal during a televised debate, and the moderator says: "Save your shoe leather, junior! We're all voting for the other guy!"
3. Gennifer Flowers won't return your calls
2. During debate, you say, "I knew Forrest Gump, I worked with Forrest Gump."
1. Even you voted for the other guy
Top Ten Ways Democrats Can Increase Their Popularity
10. Show up for speeches wearing one of those Judge Ito beards
9. Give away booze-filled ceramic miniatures of Ted Kennedy
8. Personal thank you notes to both democratic voters
7. Have Hillary kick Bill's ass in public
6. Spray-paint "Regis sucks" on buildings across the nation
5. Drink like Ted Kennedy at a Democratic convention
4. Instead of registering Democrat, you register transvestite or transsexual.
3. Change name to "The Political Party Formerly Known as Prince"
2. Spend less time doing what Joycelyn Elders said should be taught in school
1. Limit delegates to five minutes per speech and two hookers per room
Here's some oldies but goodies
Top Ten Ted Kennedy Campaign Slogans
10. I promise I'll keep my pants on.
9. Two million Budweisers can't be wrong.
8. Vote for me, the giant red-faced guy!
7. I do more in one happy hour than most senators do all day.
6. No worse than Marion Barry!
5. Crime? Pollution? The deficit? Who cares? Pass the beer nuts!
4. Sit back and watch whiskey-boy do his stuff.
3. He still fits through the Senate door; so vote for Ted
2. Are you better off than you were four beers ago?
1. Paaarty!
Top Ten Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans
10. "Because No Clinton Has Ever Disgraced The Office Of Senator"
9. "I'll Try Not To Misplace Or Shred Important Legislation"
8. "Endorsed By The CBS Jesus"
7. "If You Slept With My Husband, The Least You Can Do Is Vote For Me"
6. "I've Loved Every One Of The 17 Days I've Spent Here In New York"
5. "Of The Two Insane Power-Hungry Candidates, I'm Better At Pretending To Be Nice"
4. "Vote For Me Or I'll Have Bill Poison Your Water Supply"
3. "Never Indicted...Knock On Wood!"
2. "I Can Run New York -- Hell, I Ran The Whole Country"
1. "Wait'll You See The Scandals I'm Planning!"
Top Ten Items On President Clinton's Resume
10. 1986-89: Body Double for Pillsbury Doughboy.
9. 1973: Voted Yale Law School "Most Weaselly."
8. References available upon subpoena.
7. June 1988: Secretly married Carmen Electra.
6. Career objective: Keeping my fat ass out of prison.
5. 1997 Winner of the Golden Moonshine Jug for Outstanding Hillbilly Achievement.
4. Executive Director, American Society of Bubbas.
3. 1997: Cruller Tester, Winchell's Donuts.
2. Proud father of over 200 students at Little Rock Junior High.
