posted on January 26, 2003 03:30:55 PM new
In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that
posted on January 27, 2003 09:37:34 PM new
I get it, Sheila wearing it first will make Barbie have to go out and buy a new dress for the wedding since she (Barbie) would would not want to wear the same dress another woman had already wore.
posted on January 29, 2003 11:38:10 AM new
Aaaahhhhh a place for a little humor.
Here goes. Please understand there is not hidden agenda.
For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen!
Three days a week works well. Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks and then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it at this level!
I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.
ME: Hello.
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T ...
ME: Is this AT&T.?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....
ME: This is AT&T.?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....
ME: Is this AT&T.?
AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr.Byron, please.?
ME: May I ask who is calling.?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
ME: Ok, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad.
Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
ME: Hello.?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron.?
ME: May I ask who is calling, please.?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: This is AT&T.?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: The phone company.?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
ME: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron.
We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day,
7 days a week, 365 days a year.
ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest)
Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
ME: 7 days a week.?
AT&T: That's right.
ME: 365 days a year.?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!!
That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
ME: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance.?
AT&T: Excuse me.?
ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about.?
ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute,
24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year.
I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll
give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme.?
I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for ...
ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please.?
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor.!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.
At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.
SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron.?
ME: Yeth.?
SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
ME: Is This A T & T.?
SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.
ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.)
No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
ME: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls.
I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?
ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family" thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: click........
.................................................
We call them our heroes...but we pay them like chumps
posted on January 31, 2003 05:43:56 AM new
A bit of medical humor for those who can handle it...
(gotta love that last one )
A physician claims these are actual comments his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1 "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2 "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3 "Can you hear me NOW?"
4 "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5 "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6 "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7 "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8 "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out, you do the Hokey Pokey...."
9 "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10 "If the hand don't fit, you must aquit!"
11 "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12 "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13 "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
posted on January 31, 2003 08:19:56 AM new
I post this one *praying* that it does not de-rail this into a political thread!
Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea,
he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
Bush was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
"Just think," he said, "when I'm President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary during her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."
posted on January 31, 2003 01:21:23 PM new
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
posted on January 31, 2003 01:29:37 PM new
Not a point of view. Just a good joke.
Amen,
Reverend Colin
Subject: Liberals and Conservatives and Texans
Liberals and Conservatives and Texans
Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two
small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In
your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere
seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
Conservative Answer:
BANG!
Texan's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed)
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
posted on February 1, 2003 03:31:36 AM new
Got this in an E-mail today. It's funny. don't bombard me about the politicial stuff. I like both Bill and Hilary.
Amen,
Reverend Colin
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb. "No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner,
Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what Bill had been really doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker where she always stood. Bill tried to evade the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks?"
posted on February 1, 2003 06:19:06 AM new
GREAT thread, junquemama - I love them all.
The Miracle of Toilet Paper
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?", she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?", he replied...
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again....
posted on February 1, 2003 10:39:49 AM new
Though it's not a happy day, maybe a little humor will brighten it a bit:
Amen
Elmer and Huey from Newfoundland were visiting a relative in Kingston prison.
Walking along Main Street they see a sign which reads, 'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair. '
Elmer says to his pal, "Huey "LOOK! Lord tunderin Jaysus . . . we could buy a whole lot of doze, and when we get back to da rock, we could make us a fortune. Now listen up der. When we goes into da shop, you keep yer yapper
shut, eh! Just let me do all da talkin and fang danglin, 'cause if day ear our accent, day might not serve us. Eyes be given dem me best Ontario drawl."
They go in and Elmer says, "Excuse me sir, but I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2. 50 each. I'll back up my pickup and. . . .?
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You byes are from Newfoundland, aren't you?"
"Yah, " says a surprised Elmer "How come you know ? "
posted on February 1, 2003 11:15:01 AM new
Just got this from a member of the church. Please don't jump on the race issue. Look for the humor.
Amen,
Reverend Colin
Jesse Jackson was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, falls over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the onlookers on the bridge could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I'd like to go to Disneyland." Jesse said, "No problem. I'll take you there on the PUSH Corporate jet".
The second kid said, "I'd like a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Jesse said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them"!
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Reverend Jackson is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped.
" The kid says, "I will be after my Dad finds out I saved your a** from drowning."
posted on February 2, 2003 06:45:03 AM new
After getting all of Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded
in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the
driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver, "Would
you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never
let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?" protests the driver,
wishing he'd never come to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the
Pope. So, reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the
Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the
limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried
driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they
hear sirens. "I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the
patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him,
goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need
to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's
stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him,"
said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important,"
said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean REALLY important," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Governor?"
"Bigger."
"The President?"
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"
"I think it's God!"
"What makes you think it's God?"
"He's got the Pope driving for him."
Amen,
Reverend Colin
posted on February 2, 2003 07:22:10 AM new
LOL on all of them! I have a boyfriend who hates to be bombarded with joke emails. It's not that he doesn't think they are funny, he just finds them annoying. So, thanks for all the amunition. With your permissions, I am copying and pasting every one of these jokes. I am going to send them to him one at a time today - all day! Ha! I'll put things like "I love you, dear, you must read this" in the subject line so he'll be sure to open them up! What do you want to bet he'll find some evil twisted way to pay me back? Thanks for the laughs!
posted on February 3, 2003 05:29:01 AM new
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall , blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
posted on February 3, 2003 05:34:36 AM new
A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said.....
"HELLOOOOoooo.... You need to roll up the windows."
posted on February 3, 2003 08:24:48 AM new
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with the main computer.
He dialed the man's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?" Irritated at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the Boss asked.
To his surprise, the voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to speak with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," came the whispered answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would leave a message with the person watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No," whispered the child,"he's busy."
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy & Mommy & the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even a bit worried, he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the phone.
The boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle:
......."Me."
posted on February 4, 2003 06:28:56 AM new
SUBJECT: Canadian War Effort
GOOD NEWS! Canada has offered to help the U.S. in the war on terrorism! They have pledged 2 battleships, 6000 troops and 10 fighter jets.
BAD NEWS! With the current exchange rate, that comes out to 2 canoes, a Mountie and a couple of flying squirrels.
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