posted on February 14, 2003 09:49:55 AM new
The military history of France:
Gallic Wars – Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War – Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars – Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion – France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War – France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution – Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War – Tied.
War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian War – Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession – Lost. The war also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution – In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution – Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars – Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War – Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I – Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II – Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel song.
War in Indochina – Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion – Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism – France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?" but, rather, "How long until France collapses?"
posted on February 14, 2003 11:06:26 AM new
And it perhaps points out the fact of war that many never get - when all is done France is still there even though the owners change hands.
Except for the very top guys changing it is very hard to wipe out an entire culture. I would be happy just to wipe out the language so they couldn't sneer at me when I ask directions or order dinner. That would be hard enough.
posted on February 14, 2003 11:11:56 AM new
Cultures have been wiped out. The slave holding aristocracy in the US south were wiped out, as was fascist Germany and Imperial Japan.
The key is to commit and accomplish total war and total victory, which of course depends on if one wishes for the culture to survive at all.
The victory was so complete in WWII that Japan still has contenious debates on thye role of their military, and Germany is hesitant to even discuss their fsacist history.
As for the American south, the famous book and movie title says it -- a civilization, a way of life ....... Gone With the Wind.
posted on February 14, 2003 11:39:29 AM new
What about sending in the Jessuits? South American cultures were totally destroyed without killing off the population. Some small amount of their culture still remins because the Church didn't get to everywhere. If you want to destroy the culture of Iraq - go send in the Christian Church! It worked for the Muslims.
Yes, can you imagine it? We'll send in Jehova's Witnesses and Church of Latter Day Saints there like the old Soviet Union has been invaded with. And if that doesn't work well enough, we'll send in the Scientoligists to finish them off!
posted on February 14, 2003 12:22:29 PM new
Bor- you left out the Mormons ! Are you prejudice ? Whoops, I missed your reference to the LDS ! You got'em.
But there was quite a slaughter by the "christians" in central and South America. Those that weren't killed outright were enslaved and worked to death, and the rest succumbed to European introduced diseases. If it wasn't for the think jungles and Andes mountain, I doubt any aboriginal people would be left in central and south America.
posted on February 14, 2003 01:07:42 PM new
Well, the idea was to turn the New World into Spanish and Portugese countries. That meant that the natives had to go. Besides, what else are you supposed to do with valuable smallpox-laden blankets?
At least the French didn't treat the American Indians like sub-humans. In fact, they treated them very well; which is one big reason why they aligned themselves with the French against the arrogant British.
posted on February 14, 2003 02:00:10 PM new
we'll send in the Scientoligists to finish them off!
Isn't that against the Geneva Conventions?
Sorry to say that the Nazis philosophies are in acendancy here in the US today they are resurging in Germany and the Emperor still sits on the throne of a Japan that is still isolated from the world and has no citizenship for 6th generation foreigners born in their country.
While the genteel aristocracy of the South was destroyed economically the isolationist smug superior culture is still alive and well and all too many of them have still not accepted or come to grips with the fact they lost the war.
Depite the face they show in public they still sit around the dinner table and talk about the niggers in unrepentant sneering terms. A big reason I gave up trying to live in the South.
The French have the lowest soap consumption in the West.