posted on August 29, 2003 12:29:55 PM new
I moved into this beautiful community in Louisiana. It was designed by a french architect. It is absolutely beautiful. My neighbor however has put aluminum foil and garbage bags in the windows. Her back yard is full of trash. She refused to feed her cats consistently and now I am feeding her bum cats for fear they may break into my bedroom and claw me to death in my sleep. One of her cats is missing a tail. Its so loathsome and needy. But yet out of my compassion I feed this nasty little creature.
Her husband has terminal butt crack showing and leaves fishing supplies littered all over our shared boat dock.
they left two pounds of garbage on their porch to fester for three days. I finally left and anonymous note on their porch to remove this health hazard. When she read the note she went berserk and hurled the bags into the front yard. She is a manic depressive and smokes cigarettes late at night on her porch wrapped up in a sheet. She looks like some anorexic hooded haunt with a curl of smoke rising out of her cheap thin sheet. I hate her!
How can I get them to either move away or clean up their yard!
[ edited by orleansgallery on Aug 29, 2003 12:32 PM ]
posted on August 29, 2003 01:07:03 PM new
Even if none of the details of your sad tale are true the basic truth under it all must be true that you find all humans around you disgusting and unsuitable to your company.
I suggest discarding all the material distractions stored in those garbage bags and seeking a location of purity uncontaiminated by the disgusting sight of all these filthy inferior people. There are locations far into the desert in the southwest where you will be far enough from these foul beasts and their distasteful pets and emissions to feel clean again.
The joy of your absence will cut both ways.
posted on August 29, 2003 01:24:05 PM new
I assure you it is true. All details are true. I find all the rest of my neighbors to be nice enough, okay, acceptable but not this crew and their stinky little pests pets.
Near the Sea, I think a spell is in order! what a great idea! I'll run down to the hoodoo shop and get a candle to run off foul neighbors or throw some saints medals under their porch!
The only people who would fine "joy" in my absence are the undignified and terminally vulgar. HEEE HAAAAWWW!
posted on August 29, 2003 02:47:38 PM new
Wish I could suggest a solution to your problem but am at loss at the moment. Maybe purchase several gallons of newly distilled swamp water and leave it on their porch with a note saying it is a gift from Jeaux (Joe to you less informed), and hope they over indulge.
I toured Louisiana back in my oilfield trucking days, from Morgan City, to Houma, to Grand Isle to Slidell & over to Shreveport & Natchitoches. Very nice ride, especially the stretch on old Hwy 1 with the old mansions
Veritas vos Liberabit"..... (the truth will set you free)
posted on August 29, 2003 04:05:30 PM new
orleansgallery,
how about removing yourself from the surface of this planet for good!!
burgerflipper,you go first!!!!!
posted on August 29, 2003 08:50:56 PM new
gravid:
What in the hell is wrong with you, suggesting the southwest? Orleans, PLEASE do not consider the southwest. We have more stinging, biting, nasty horrible critters hereabouts than you can shake a stick at. Think a neighbor who puts tinfoil in her windows is disgusting? How about having a 7 inch long centipede drop from the ceiling into your scrambled eggs in the morning? Ever chop a centipede in half with a shovel? It turns into TWO and goes on it's merry way! Scorpions that make loud, skittering noises as they run across the floor at night, hoping to encounter a bare foot on the way to the bathroom in the dark. Gila Monsters, the most god-awful lizard you ever saw. Jaws like a pit bull, and when they clamp down on you, they don't let go until you hack off their nasty-looking heads. Cone-nosed Kissing bugs, that will fly silently into your cozy bed at night and seek out your lips for their sweet tasty blood, not waking you, but leaving you looking like some kind of collagen injection-gone-horribly-wrong starlet next morning...and then there are the people! Low Riders who will glare at you as they pass by, despising the fact that you even exist, and wondering where your cute daughters are hiding. Drunken indians you'll have to drive around on saturday morning, littering the gutters. Bubbas in smelly pickups with fully loaded hunting rifles slung in legal racks, their little-bitty brains wondering where all the !@#$!@$#!@$ foreigners came from anyhow. And the heat, oh god, the heat. This summer we had 14 days in row of 115 degrees plus. If you get a cool-off, maybe it'll get down to a nice brisk 95 by about 4 a.m....sounds to me like you need to be in one of those planned "communities", where the residents who dare to behave like human beings are soundly thumped with heavy fines and cautioned against future violations of the peaceful, inoffensive order. PLEASE don't listen to Gravid, he's obviously never been here. Personally, I would suggest CALIFORNIA.
___________________________________
What luck for the leaders that men do not think. - Adolph Hitler
posted on August 29, 2003 08:58:11 PM new
prof - I tell you, that is the funniest post I have read in a long, long time! I am still laughing! But if I didn't know better, sounds like you are describing the southeast - "deep south"
and no, orleans, you don't want to come here either. California sounds like a wonderful idea
"Be kind. Remember everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." - Harry Thompson
"I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it." - A Few Good Men
posted on August 30, 2003 05:18:02 AM new
In another thread, I said that all the comedians have gone bye bye....knowing of course that one is still here!
posted on August 30, 2003 05:34:05 AM new
Well yes I knew all that but I figured you could absorb one more obnoxious critter.....with all that misery what's one more nasty glaring neighbor?
posted on August 30, 2003 05:40:53 AM new
i dont think this whining orleans can find happiness anywhere.
i sure dont want her as a neighbor,she aint perfect,you know!
-sig file -------The thrill is gone!!
posted on August 30, 2003 08:28:32 AM new
Prof, I am well acquainted with loathsome bugs. The mosquitoes here are so large they look like flying shrimp. Cockroaches are so large they could be used for skate boards. I am awakened from my sleep by the sound of my cat chasing and pawing one to death in the wee hours of the morning. There are probably at least 6 billion frogs every quarter mile out here in the swamp. They croak in a deadly shrill unison every night like clockwork. Alligators lurk under the piers hoping you or your pet may fall in and they can lunch on your flesh. Huge snakes hang from the trees and the road to the swamp is littered every morning with huge squished snakes killed by passing motorists.
We also have a rat so large it has its own special name called "NUTRIA". They live in the canals of the city and breed like mad. Sometimes they over populate and you can see the Police standing around the canals with rifles shooting them dead right in front of passing motorists. These Nutria can get up to 4 feet high and weigh as much as 100 pounds. Try setting a trap with cheese for this beast! They hardier people in Louisiana eat them in stews. A thought I can barely take. They also turn the fur into coats. Nutria is just a fancy name for GIGANTIC RAT. Every been to a "giant rat" cook off? Well they have one here every spring at the nature center. It is technically a Nutria cook-off as if the name Nutria implys it is not quite a rat but more of a beaver type animal. Don't be fooled and don't eat it. Its RAT! Also they eat alligator sausage which is disgusting.
Drunken Indians? we don't have many of those but we do have a significant population of ethnic youth who are roaming the streets in bullet proof vests and carrying AK47's--- also known as cop killers. AKs are preferred by murderous youth and drug dealers in the area because the bullets go through bullet proof vests, cars, walls etc.
We are last in education, first in infant mortality, cancer and obesity. Need I say more?
[ edited by orleansgallery on Aug 30, 2003 08:31 AM ]
[ edited by orleansgallery on Aug 30, 2003 08:32 AM ]
[ edited by orleansgallery on Aug 30, 2003 08:34 AM ]
posted on August 30, 2003 08:52:11 AM new
If considering California I suggest Orange county. The people are really friendly and giving (mostly to the RNC).
posted on August 30, 2003 10:34:41 AM new
If you have no appreciation for gun toting youths, stay away from California... With a have an especial virulent strain of them here... at least in the southern regions.
~~~ • ~~~ • ~~~ • ~~~ • ~~~
Men Are Like Grapes. If You Stomp on Them and Keep Them in the Dark Long Enough, They Might Turn Into Something That You Would Take to Dinner
posted on August 30, 2003 11:26:07 AM new
Professor you must live in small town Oklahoma I lived there long enough to appreciate home, WA state..and got out quick
Orleans, if you are condsidering moving, the Pacific Northwest is nice.
I like her, I think she's a hoot
Art Bell Retired! George Noory is on late night coasttocoastam.com
posted on August 30, 2003 11:41:22 AM new
orleansgallery
You think you have problems? Try living in Cleveland's inner city! The neighborhood is full of cats that people just threw out when they didn't want them anymore (poor things). We have a HUGE pussy willow tree in our backyard. It's lovely, but in the spring it drops the pussy willows all over the yard. This summer Ken thought it would be easier to get them out of the garden using the shop vac. That is, until he sucked up some fresh cat doo. You should have heard the cursing! Besides the cats, which find my garden a great place to rest, we are plagued with a skunk that sprays on a nightly basis. I have neighbors behind me and to the right of me that think Friday and Saturday night are salsa nights in the neighborhood. I get to hear it until dawn breaks. There are kids who throw rocks at houses just for the fun of it and one who drove down the street at 60 mph hit a dog and just drove on. Our home has been broken into, our neighbor's car windows smashed. That was last summer. These are our neighbors and this summer we decided to just live with it. We try to be friendly rather than unfriendly and so far, it's been an okay summer. Better than last.
There are some nasty people in this world, but unless you are prepared to isolate yourself on a deserted island somewhere, you best figure out a way to deal with it.
Cheryl
The next time you think you're so perfect, try walking on water.
posted on August 30, 2003 01:03:40 PM new
Orleans, Know what you mean about the skeeters, State birds of Louisians. But you forgot to mention the gators. You don't want to wonder around the back roads, late at nite & need to make a pit stop.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
posted on August 30, 2003 01:41:44 PM new
I can't believe the horrors you guys face every day! The bugs; the chain-smoking, depressing, trashy neighbours; the rats; the drunken Indians; the AK47's and the cat poop in the Shop-Vac... Jail sounds better than what you guys go through!!
posted on August 30, 2003 01:45:35 PM new
ROFL, KD!
Cockroaches are so large they could be used for skate boards.
yep, I can relate to that...but the term we prefer for these critters is "Palmetto Bugs" - sounds so much nicer than cockroaches, don't you think?
I live on the water, and we have the alligators, frogs, mosquitoes...you name it.
And then there are the tourists who flock to the sunny south and take over our town from Easter to Labor Day - you know, the yankees that think all southerners are stupid?
But nothing beats the winters here - well, after we get out of hurricane season that is
"Be kind. Remember everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." - Harry Thompson
"I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it." - A Few Good Men
posted on August 30, 2003 01:59:33 PM new
See Orleans, your problems are positively pedestrian compared to the daily horrors the rest of us face. Stay put. Embrace your new neighbor, she sounds interesting. I bet the foil and garbage bags in her windows are just to protect her from the New World Order, after all...Help her find her cat's missing tail. Go fishing with her husband. Offer to take out her steaming garbage.Be ONE with the ugliness.
___________________________________
What luck for the leaders that men do not think. - Adolph Hitler
posted on August 30, 2003 02:10:24 PM new
Yes it is true, the winters are wonderful, perfect.
It is when the end of August rolls around that I am ready to pack my bags and run away. By then my skin is full of scabs from insect bites, I can't breath well because the heat and humidity have put such a load on my lungs I feel like I am 6 foot under water. The sweat rolls down between my larger hooters and causes an unsightly rash, I hide in my house as much as possible to stay cool but dread knowing my 500 dollar peak season utility bill will be arriving soon. I would go swimming but all the pools feel like hot urine in the sun. Lethal lethargy sets in and I start watching tv shows like Dr. Phil with a mindless glare and a bit of drool rolls of my lower lip. It is pointless to wear make up because it melts together into a flesh colored ooze. My hair will hold no style except FRIZZZZ because of the hellish humidity.
It is at this time that the Southern Decadence festival takes off and the Christians march in the french quarter because they don't want gay men to have sex orgies in the street. I watch the protest on tv and think who would even want to have sex in this weather? much less in the steaming hot, garbage ridden, cockroach infested, rotting to the ground french quarter? I LORD! its too hideous to even contemplate.
My hoop skirt has wilted and I have taken off my pantaloons in hopes for a draft somewhere in this naked hell! God forbid the air conditioner should break. At that point I would drink two bottles of whiskey then afterwords I would duct-tape bacon to my body and throw myself to the gators. A kind of bourbon nut pie for reptiles.
posted on August 30, 2003 02:18:30 PM new
Where, exactly, would you duct tape the bacon?
Just asking........
___________________________________
I want to have Ann Coulter's babies
posted on August 30, 2003 02:26:30 PM new
Prof, I had not given much thought to where I would tape the bacon. Its primarily for the scent. Although gators love marshmellows more in the day time because they see them better. Perhaps I will paste marshmellows on all the more tasty parts for the beasts. I could also just paint my hooters pure white and float on my back. That should increase visibility.
[ edited by orleansgallery on Aug 30, 2003 02:29 PM ]
posted on August 30, 2003 02:38:23 PM new
You guys are really cracking me up. ROFLMHO.....very,very good. orleansgallery....you have a special talent for making one feel like they're right 'there' when reading your trials and tribulations of life. [thank you]
and profe - I want to have Ann Coulter's babies. Okay...I'll chip in so you both can have your sex change operations.
