posted on October 15, 2003 08:49:40 AM new
An American presidential election features four candidates. One advocates negotiating new and more extensive arms control treaties, one wants to set up new programs for elementary scools, one wants to end all taxation and set up extra printing presses to print the money to pay the government's debts, and one advocates invading Mexico "to finish what we should have done in 1846". The one concerned about arms control smoked marijuana in college, the one concerned about education has a brother with connections to organized crime, the one with the innovative fiscal policies is a minister, and the imperialist has been charged with drunk driving five times. So which one wins the election?
(AP, CIA, CNN, FOXNEWS (ACCF)) August 24 2003--U.S. weapons inspectors in Iraq have uncovered several violations of the United Nations resolutions imposed on Iraq after the first Gulf War in 1991 according to our secret CIA sources.
1. Anthrax contaminated specimens were disposed of in 30 gallon Tuffy garbage bags instead of Glad Sandwich bags #2. The French prime minister refused comment on French stockholders in Tuffy.
2. In one of Saddam Hussein's presidential palaces, chemical weapons experts found a tube of Colgate-Palmolive toothpaste. A Wall Street source says that a large German bank has been pouring money into Colgate.
3. The Navy has found two sea turtles that grew to the length of 25 inches. By UN regulations, sea turtles can only grow to a length of 24 inches before they are deemed a terrorist threat to oil tankers. The Hussein brothers were unavailable for comment.
4. According to sources close to the weapons hunt in Iraq, before the invasion of Baghdad, weapons inspectors were tools of the CIA. Now it's the other way around.
CIA sources also indicated that U.S. weapons inspectors have discovered that Iraq is the size of California, contrary to the reports of previous UN weapons inspectors. UN weapons inspector Hans Blix had no comment, but his assistant said: "We gave the friggin' map to George Bush. What more do you want?"
Not all the news this week was good news. There were a number of setbacks as well.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld reported that 100 U.S. soldiers slipped and fell on their bayonets when throngs of cheering Iraqis threw roses and rice into the streets. The Pentagon has sent investigators to determine if there were Chinese contractors supplying the rice.
Meanwhile the British are having difficulties with a plan ordered by Prime Minister Tony Blair regarding Iraq's biological weapons. Acting on the biological weapons threat named by Tony Blair in "anybody's living room," British soldiers managed to set up a camera in every Iraqi and British home. However, the new program of biological weapons surveillance was about to launch when British soldiers discovered that Iranian oil went into the film and camera plastics. There was no report on when the matter would be resolved.
In other news regarding our British allies, reports continue to confound Prime Minister Tony Blair that he requested that Army intelligence "sex up" every living room in Britain. Accounts vary as to whether he also ordered actions for Iraqi living rooms. Public opinion polls have shown an immediate drop in Blair's support following the reports.
In this continuing threat to Tony Blair's political career, ACCF is breaking a new story based on exclusive sources in Whitehall. Payroll stubs for the employees set up to watch the living rooms of every British and Iraqi home have shown that at least three Whitehall surveillance employees are the daughters of the nephews of the 53rd son born to Osama Bin Laden's father.
"The significance of this to Tony Blair's career can hardly be underestimated," said Cambridge University Professor, Sum Razit Pick.
In other news developments today, India refused to send 100,000 soldiers to Iraq. "We made it clear to the Coalition Command, that we did not want Indian soldiers operating in the Unleaded or Super-Test occupation zones of Iraq," said Prime Minister Vajpayee.
Vajpayee had been under pressure from his army commanders expressing the opinion that there would be more casualties in the Unleaded and Super-Test zones of Iraq. However, ACCF has learned that the last straw for Vajpayee came when Tony Blair refused to turn over the Wimpy's burger chain to Indian fast-food restaurant investors. "We just didn't want any British military operations associated with 'Wimpy's' without a corresponding endorsement deal for the Army," a Blaire aide allegedly said.
Meanwhile, American deli investors scrambled into damage control mode this week when Army spokesmen claimed trademark protection for both the "52 Most Wanted" deck of cards and the rights to the "Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys" deli chain in France and the United States. An anti-trust suit against the U.S. Army looms, as Kraft has made it clear that it wants to sell Cheese Whiz in France.
posted on October 15, 2003 10:34:03 AM new
Austi, Helen & Syklite are all closet Republicans at heart.
"Another plague upon the land, as devastating as the locusts God loosed on the Egyptians, is "Political Correctness.'" --Charlton Heston
posted on October 15, 2003 11:38:06 AM new
I always feel a nice warm glowing feeling everytime a Liberal Dem posts. So heartwarming. They are always polite, no name calling, just all cozy and nice.
I think the above was a joke, probably sarcasm, but what the hey!
spittincamel, do check out Talking Dog For Sale thread
Wanna Take a Ride? Art Bell is Back! Weekends on C2C-www.coasttocoastam.com
posted on October 15, 2003 12:07:01 PM new
NTS are you sure what you are feeling isn't heart burn?
"Another plague upon the land, as devastating as the locusts God loosed on the Egyptians, is "Political Correctness.'" --Charlton Heston
posted on October 15, 2003 06:31:08 PM new
Two Israeli salesmen decided to go on a camelride to the Pyramids.
On their way they got thirsty so the first said !let'a have some
beers at that bar there" The other told "We can't as we will nver find our camelcamel among all the others here" The first said "No problem for me".
After two beers and one hour they went to look for their camel and
the first Israeli lifted the tails o camels and said "not our".
The other guy said "How can y know our camel from the back? - Y did
not even look there when we rented the camel?"
The first "I am clever y know I overheard the camel renter saying
'theregoes my camel with two f..ing assholes on it!"
posted on October 16, 2003 05:09:57 PM new
A BUS CARRYING ONLY UGLY PEOPLE CRASHES INTO AN ONCOMING TRUCK, AND
EVERYONE INSIDE DIES. THEY THEN GET TO MEET THEIR MAKER, AND
BECAUSE OF THE GRIEF THEY HAVE EXPERIENCED, HE DECIDED TO GRANT THEM
ONE
WISH EACH BEFORE THEY ENTER PARADISE. THEY'RE ALL LINED UP, AND GOD
ASKS THE FIRST ONE WHAT THE WISH IS. "I WANT TO BE GORGEOUS,' AND SO
GOD SNAPS HIS FINGERS, AND IT IS DONE. THE SECOND ONE IN LINE HEARS
THIS AND SAYS 'I WANT TO BE GORGEOUS TOO. ANOTHER SNAP OF HIS FINGERS
AND THE WISH IS GRANTED.
THIS GOES ON FOR A WHILE BUT WHEN GOD IS HALFWAY DOWN THE LINE, THE
LAST GUY LAUGHS LOUDLY. AS EACH PERSON IN LINE ASKS TO BE GORGEOUS,
THE
LAUGHING CONTINUES TO GET LOUDER AND LOUDER UNTIL HE FALLS DOWN AND
STARTS ROLLING ON THE FLOOR, LAUGHING HIS BUTT OFF.
FINALLY, GOD REACHES THIS GUY AND ASKS HIM WHAT HIS WISH WILL BE. THE
GUY CALMS DOWN AND SAYS:
"MAKE 'EM ALL UGLY AGAIN!"
Guess which one I would be....
AIN'T LIFE GRAND...
