posted on November 25, 2003 06:34:01 PM new
Happy Thanksgiving!
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.
I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms.
Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
* Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag
luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how
cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the
desired welcoming effect.
* Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not
decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I
had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved
in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn
leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.
* The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens,
fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes
that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS thanksgiving,
we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the
Santa napkins from last Christmas.
* Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers
that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like
decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The
artist assures me it is a turkey. We will be dining fashionably late.
The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be
happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving,
pilgrims, and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments
were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
* As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play
a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should
mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming,
or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen
turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
* We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to
announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep
our traditional method. When the smoke alarm sounds, please
gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of
harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table.
In a separate room. Next door.
* Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving
a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This
will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the
turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private"
meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to
laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check
on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed.
It stands to reason that I will eventually win.
When I do, we will eat.
* I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners
that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request
to bean your brother in the head with warm tasty bread.
Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the
meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we
will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce.
If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of
Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.
* Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice
between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the
traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small
fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it-- or leave it.
___________________________________
Junk: Stuff we throw away.
Stuff: Junk we keep.
posted on November 25, 2003 11:05:31 PM new
lol my favorite part is
[b]As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play
a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should
mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming,
or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen
turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them.They are lying[/b]
[ edited by toasted36 on Nov 25, 2003 11:07 PM ]
posted on November 26, 2003 04:41:25 AM new
That was funny, roadsmith! Thanks for sharing. I avoid K-Mart because all they sell is Martha Stewart. Her things are way over priced. My boyfriend wanted to buy a new garden hose and we stopped at K-Mart. He left in a huff because he wasn't about to buy a Martha Stewart garden hose. It was late in the year and the other brands were gone.
My family is welcome to come to my house this Thanksgiving. However, I hope they aren't surprised when they knock on the door and no one answers. We're going out this year!
posted on November 26, 2003 05:10:33 AM new
I wager to bet that Martha is selling her wares on Ebay to help offset legal expenses!
Cheryl, I know what you mean about not being home. Every year for the last 5, my ex boyfriend appears outta nowhere. No phone call all year, and he shows up like I am supposed to be grateful.
Yeah,right. Last year, I did not answer the door.
This year, I won't be here either!
posted on November 26, 2003 06:47:04 AM new
Sometimes agreement is based on misunderstanding but on such a trivial topic as turkeys we can risk that possibility and be happy.
posted on November 26, 2003 05:42:13 PM new
That is so funny, thanks much
A few years ago my daughter and her husband cooked Thanksgiving dinner and did the turkey~Martha's way
Must admit it was very good.
HOWEVER, this year I am cooking and my daughter wanted me to cook it Martha's way.
I said "no way, I am cooking it the way I have always cooked it, end of story!
Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving, you all are THE BEST!
