posted on April 28, 2004 10:02:13 PM new
Just had to get my dad at the hospital....... he is now showing signs of senility.
He DROVE himself there, after falling, not telling anyone, until the hospital calls
Go there, and they are NOT a 'involuntary' admitting hospital...... I could not get him to stay, and he was yelling and swearing, and calling me my sisters name, he called my brother HIS brother. And he refused to stay, even though they say he fractured his vertabrae, they wanted to keep him for observation, but he absolutely refused. He thought it was morning. He thinks my mother is around, (she died when I was 17) he's out of it.... so my brother took him to his house.
The drs insisted he needs 24 hr care now.
My brother and I don't want to see him in a nursing home, my 2 sisters do. This is so f*cked up.
I don't know what is going to happen....... so far no one has any 'power of atty' I guess that would go to the eldest child, and she can't stand him, and wants him in some nursing home.
Does it always happen this way when our parents are elderly??????? this has been one screwed up day.
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"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."- Carl Sagan
posted on April 28, 2004 10:52:15 PM new
Near, I'm so sorry! I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you right now, but things DO have a way of working out. It'll be OK.
posted on April 28, 2004 10:57:23 PM new
No, it doesn't always happen that way, and it is heart-breaking when it does. My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately you may find that sooner or later you are going to have to put your father in a home. Much as you love him, trying to take care of him yourself on a 24/7basis is incredibly hard when they have entered dementia or Alzheimers. And there comes a point when they become so bad that you simply can't keep them at home, both for their own safety and in some cases, yours.
My great-uncle reached a stage where he became physically violent, lashing out with his cane or whatever else came to hand. My best friend's father-in-law had to be watched like a hawk because he'd do things like turning off the pilot light on the gas heater (leaving the gas on), take off his clothes and wander about naked before being caught, steal the keys to the car (no matter how wellhidden, he'd manage somehow to find 'em!) and try to drive the car, etc. etc. Got so they had to keep him under lock & key constantly. It wore them out & finally they had to put him in a home. With my mother it was a bit different--she got lung cancer that metasticized to her brain. I cared for her myself, but after 9 months she was exhibiting very dementia-like behavior & getting to be too much for me to handle myself. On the very day I made the hard decision that she needed to be placed in care, she died...so I never had to actually do it.
The thing is to do your homework & find a good one--and even then visit regularly & let them know you still have a stake in your loved one's care!
******
Censorship, like charity, should begin at home; but unlike charity, it should end there --Clare Booth Luce
posted on April 28, 2004 10:59:37 PM new
Near - please know that as I saw this, I say itn with all love and compassion....
Why are you opposed to putting your father into a situation where his deterioriation cannot become detrimental to him. If he does not recognize time and has short term memory issues then how is he capable of taking medications at the proper intervals, or of remembering that he has already taken his meds and not taking repeated doses. His inability to recognize or accept his limitations puts his life in danger and potentially that of others. There are two reasons people are put into full time care siituations and yes, one is that of simply not wanting to deal. You however seem to care deeply for him so wouldn't making sure that he is in a safe and secure enviroment be the most loving thing you can do for him as well as yourself? Are you going to be comfortable knowing that he is alone? Do you think that the stress of that worry will have a negative effect on your family?
Putting your father in a full time care facility is only abandonment if you allow it to be. You can still go and spend time with him, have outings, etc but on a day to day basis you will know that he is in a secure enviroment and I just don't see that as being a bad thing.
~~~ • ~~~ • ~~~ • ~~~ • ~~~
If it's really "common" sense, why do so few people actually have it?
posted on April 28, 2004 11:08:20 PM new
I do want to say, though, that before you accept his condition at face value, GET HIM EVALUATED BY YOUR DOCTOR OR HIS. Whether he wants to go or not, take him.
Because there are instances where a medication an elderly person is taking has a detrimental effect on them and produces dementia-like symptoms. Or it could be two different drugs interacting badly. Have a complete physical done!!! It could be that simply changing meds could get you your father back hale & hearty.
******
Censorship, like charity, should begin at home; but unlike charity, it should end there --Clare Booth Luce
posted on April 28, 2004 11:35:13 PM new
thanks all. He is on meds. I had been giving them to him. He seemed better, and so got a car..... he was able to drive fine, got his license renewed, and no problem there either, but started getting strange, too strange.
He does not have alzheimers, they do know that.
He is under drs care, and he sees him tommorow, If that is he will go. He's a big man. He is in his 80's and in the past year has deterioriated. He still tells everyone that he's 'only 67'.
But today at the hospital, when he started screaming in German, and not nicely at all in German.... I knew it was bad. ( I remember when I was young, him speaking German, but now, he'll do it only when he's really pissed)
And he's got that thing...... he'll be in a good mood and 'normal' , then lash out, and say 'you just want me in a nursing home!' God. Then he'll say, very calmly, 'I will die soon, and I have in my will that I be buried right next to your mother' (I hate hearing all that also!) he's married, but they don't live together..... its a wierd ass situation there!
I can't stand her.... I never understood why they are married, when they haven't lived together longer than a couple months, if that in a year the whole 15 or so years they have been married.
I'm beat. Guess I'll have to call 'the sisters' tommorow and see what they think....... ugh
Thanks all, venting or something, I guess.
__________________________________
"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."- Carl Sagan
posted on April 28, 2004 11:52:24 PM new
Take care, NTS. I hope it works out for the best. I know it's difficult for all the family and it can divide a family too because it's a hard decision to make.
posted on April 29, 2004 12:11:25 AM new
Near - I'm sorry to hear about this also. It's a very difficult situation and decision making process.
Since others have offered their recommendations as to why it might be best to put him in a nursing home...I'll offer some other ideas. [surprise,surprise ]
If you and your three siblings decide you don't want him in a home...maybe you might rotate his living with each of you. The stress would be a lot less. Also one of my friends who has a parent like this...and is an only child...chose to keep her father at home, but put him in a day care center three times a week. All day care...gave her a much needed break but still allowed her to care for him as he too had said he never wanted to be in a nursing home.
Tough decision....very tough.
------------------
Bunni's statement made me think of another friend and the problem she faced -
Another friend who's mother has Alzheimers too....tried to place her mother in a 'care' facility. They wouldn't take her as SHE wouldn't agree to go. My friend reminded them she had Alzheimers and wouldn't even take care of her personal hygiene care....hadn't bathed since she was there three months prior. [She lives here, her mother lives in CA] But still....the nursing home said she could not put her mother in unless she agreed that's where she wanted to be without someone having power of attorney.
posted on April 29, 2004 12:12:04 AM new
Aw Near, I am so sorry you had a f*ked up day with this. I think I know how you feel (sorta anyway). Had the same thing with my dad, he was not suffering from senility or dementia, but had so many medical problems and needs. He bucked every which way against going into a nursing home and I wasn't for it at first too because I felt he thought we were dumping him there. Even though he didnt function real well, he was such an independent man, I think that was the worst of it for him.... My older sister had a great deal of resentment toward him, and for her it was 'dont burden me with this b/s -- even tho she is a nurse! Its funny you post this because I was thinking of it just yesterday. Do you know what I did? My sister put him in this most God awful place. So he was pretty much dumped there. The paint was peeling off the walls, The patients were sitting around all unkempt; he room was crowded with like 5 beds!.....well, when I saw him and that place....something set me off, and I said to my husband, " I'm not leaving him here"....so we just kinda broke him outta there!!! I grabbed his little belongings and jand we rolled the wheelchair out of the door out without any alternative set up. The head cheese doctor or whoever he was - was yelling I couldnt do this, and I was yelling I would have the state invesitigate this place for its deplorable conditions and he better shut the he** up. Anyway, when I took him outta there, my father so grateful, at least he knew somebody cared. BUT now everybody was mad at me for doing such a crazy thing, and I was pretty much stuck caring for him on my own. I could hardly do it - it was so so stressful. I had to work; and home health aids were coming to the house stealing and stuff and not really giving him the care he needed. I just wanted him in a decent place. I finally applied and got in him a good veterns home. And he was happy there. He wasnt alone, and his needs were pretty much met. Before he died, I remember I went to see him one day, and he wasnt in his room or the dayroom and I was just going to the nurses station to ask where he was and he came off the elevator in his wheel chair. (he was a double amputee) I approached him and I said, "hey dad, where were you?" thinking he may have gone downstairs for some medical tests or something; and he shrugged and said, he was just "riding around" (lol.) He said he was going to write an article about the place and he did. The newspaper published it and it was kinda like his last hurrah. Anyway, my point is it gave him more a sense of purpose and interest than just being home alone with the TV and the hosts of foreign nurses aides who were bascially just doing their job showing up. It was much more of a better life for him than being home without anybody to care for him.
If you can get your dad in a good place; you can visit him and feel so much better at least he wont be harming himself. He'll adjust to it in no time, and maybe they can even give him some meds that will stablize his cognition somewhat.
I just wanted to tell ya Near, you'll really be stressed if try to take care of him by yourself.
This much I know. I dont regret taking my father out of that first place; but there were times when I couldnt get to him and he was alone to fend for himself. I do feel really bad for that. It was only the grace of God that kept any crises at bay I think.
Anyway, I wish you peace of mind whatever you decide to do.
posted on April 29, 2004 04:23:12 AM new
nearthesea
I sympathize with you and understand your concern. My mother is in the beginning stages of Alzheimers and it's become a daily prayer that the disease slows. It's hard enough facing the realities of today without having to think about the horrors of the future. I don't want my mother in a nursing home just as you don't want your father in one. However, I don't know if I'll have a choice down the road. About all we can do is love them and spend as much time as possible with them. I don't get to see my mother everyday, but I try to call her everyday.
My prayers are with you and your family that you will be able to come to a united decision on your father's future. I think there comes a time where we must think about what's best for our loved one and not what's best for ourselves even though that's a very difficult task to undertake.
posted on April 29, 2004 05:25:08 AM new
I am sorry to hear about your father Near, however, my own father ruined his health by trying to care for my grandfather at home, it was miserable for everyone... my grandmother could not handle him alone, so every day my father spent many hours a day with him and running his business and the chores around his own home...
My grandfather out lived my father by 9 months...
If you have the ability to put your father in a "home" I would suggest you do so...unlike a kid, if your father lashes out, he can hurt you....
Look at the bright side, gives you reason to get out of the house....
AIN'T LIFE GRAND...
It's too bad that their blindness can't see they are killing more soldiers than President Bush ever has... Protest Loud and Proud! Your fellow taliban and insurgents are rejoicing at the support...
posted on April 29, 2004 05:58:35 AM new
Near, Do you think your father had a stroke and that caused the fall. It is important to give your father the quality of life he deserves in his remaining years and I honestly him staying at home would be a detrement to his health. Now, not that he wouldn't get good care but putting him in a health care facility would give him better care as there he will receive the care he is needed and also the diet he will need to keep himself up. Although it is importnt to have family around it is also to have other people as well. I can tell you my mother in laws last years were very sad for me. My sister-in-law was adement about her staying in her apartment and having my sister in law take care of her. She did not live with her but came everyday for a couple of hours to take care of her. The rest of the day she was alone to fend for herself. I felt that was sad. I felt she had no quality of life but I had no say in the matter. Both my husband and his sister said NO NURSING HOME.. She had a stroke one morning and I don't know how long she was on the floor.
There are some good facilities which are trained to take care of him.. Also there are people around him. They play cards, and have all different kinds of activities. Please reconsider for his sake but make sure you check all the places good. You and your family will also have a very big burden to take care of him and that will run you down.
Good Luck in your decision, it is a big one but the main thing is don't get into a shouting match with your brothers and sisters as that will start a family feud.
posted on April 29, 2004 07:59:24 AM newI never understood why they are married, when they haven't lived together longer than a couple months, if that in a year the whole 15 or so years they have been married.
Sorry to hear of your trouble. Its never easy to deal with this. If I understand this his wife is still around so it might be best to inform her of this situation as she will be "next of kin" as far as the law goes if she is still married to him.
If there is no power of attorney she would have to deal with placing him in a care home. Might not hurt to get some legal advice as this could get to be a legal nightmare.
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