posted on September 18, 2000 07:25:03 AM new
This was sworn that these rules were written by cats.
I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I.) It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
IV. HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
posted on September 19, 2000 04:10:25 PM newtoomanycomics:
ROTFLMAO!!!
Here are some more:
Sleeping: Choose a place in the bed where there will be the highest amount on uncomfortability to your human, like alongside his/her back or between his/her knees.
Feeding: If the food on the bowl, even if it's half full, is more than 2 hours, old, scream like there's nothing on it. You're are entitled to seme fresh-from-the-bag food, damnit!
posted on September 20, 2000 08:07:03 AM new
Don't forget about what to do when the human is on the computer or away from their computer desk for just a moment..."help" them by pushing lots of buttons.
Lizbeth
posted on September 21, 2000 09:39:01 PM new
Ooh,ooh,ooh...I have one! My cat's LOVE to do this!
After grocery shopping go into the empty bag on the floor(plastic or paper)and claw anyone that tries to move the bag.
Another! Make sure everyone is asleep and then turn on the bathroom faucet. To accomplish this lie on back in sink and use paw to pull tap lever. Then run away and make the people think there are ghosts in the house. (I caught him in the act, I kept blaming my sons.)
posted on September 23, 2000 08:20:27 AM new
Barn cat rules:
1) Survive, Survive, Survive.
2) Upchuck a few half digested mice where someone will surely have to clean it up.
3) Grow big thick furry coat in the winter and survive.
4) Stay out of the way of the big man for he will teach you cartwheels.
5) Stay off the road.
6) Even if one of the little people are holding the door open to the house do not go in. (see rule number 4)
posted on September 23, 2000 05:14:20 PM new
I want to thank all of you for this topic. I have a new cat in my household. I have never owned a cat..I'm really a dog person...but my newest household member is doing all the things you have mentioned above and I am LMAO!!!!
posted on September 23, 2000 06:25:03 PM new
What's tough is when both cats reenact their escape. They run around like mad, running into each other, the walls, furniture, us, and the dog as they demonstrate their desperate flight.:lol
posted on September 24, 2000 05:51:14 PM new
How about a cats diary.This is cute!
---------------------------------------------
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed (again).
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
