posted on November 25, 2007 10:32:07 PM new
My 12 year old was out of school all Thanksgiving week, due to the holiday and parent-teacher conferences.I was surprised this year because ever since the 3rd grade, he's had heavy homework assignments in preparation for middle school. This year, there was no home work, he completed it all in class. Or so he told his father and me. I can't remember him lying to me before and was astounded when I found at the conference that he has turned in few of his English, Social Studies, math or science assignments. I returned to the conference with my son and his father. His math/science teacher turned his backpack inside out to reveal the missing work sheets, old lunches and miscellaneous crud that he had accumulated. Deja vu- I had the the same humiliating experience as a seventh grader when my Dad was notified by a concerned teacher and my locker was torn apart. It's been a hard week for my son. I sense the relief of getting it out in the open, yet fearing the reprisals of his Dad's significant other (good hearted, but strict on responsibility). We got through one research paper, one 3-week short story asssignment and a 6 page math assignment this week and I am exhausted. For once, I am glad he is on his father's watch for the coming week.
[ edited by pixiamom on Nov 25, 2007 10:36 PM ]
posted on November 26, 2007 04:52:57 AM new
11-13 is the age when even the best students will begin to behave in "surprising" ways. At 12, school is naturally not the first thing that comes to mind for him. You did the right thing but now you have to follow up. Don't assume that this won't happen again. He needs to know that both you and his father are going to be unflaggingly vigilant. Let him know that you're going to be in contact with his teacher/s on a weekly basis. I'd also advise against marathon make up sessions. The kid doesn't learn much from them academically and it puts undue stress on parents and the teacher for having a last minute pile of work to grade. The message often sent when parents sit for hours helping their kids "catch up" is "it doesn't matter, mom will bail me out". If it happens again I'd let him take his lumps and suffer the bad grades and apply consequences for those bad grades at home.
posted on November 26, 2007 06:15:12 AM new
Good advice, Profe! How lucky you are Pixiamom to have the benefit of advice from an exceptionaly superior teacher.
When my children were in elementary school the principal banned homework. I'll bet your son would enjoy a program like that! The no homework policy may have been of some benefit to kids who had involved parents but more than likely disadvatageous to children whose parents didn't have the time or inclination to spend time promoting subjects being taught at school.
Now, schools in our area have web sites where interested parents can check their children's daily progress...homework completion etc.
posted on November 26, 2007 07:26:50 PM new
Thanks helen, handling compliments is not my strong suit. I can tell you this though Pixiamom, I've been teaching 30+ years and training horses longer than that. There is one thing horses and kids have in common. If either sees a reluctance or an inconsistency in attitude on the part of the handler ( parent ), that handler is doomed. They'll work your reluctance against you and before you know it you're efforts are all in vain. You and the boy's father need to be a constant, united front that insists on a fair and reasonable expectation of performance based on his capabilities, all the time. Not just for a while till his grades come up; all the time.
posted on November 26, 2007 08:07:47 PM new
Thanks for the advice. Normally, his father and I cooperate beautifully on his upbringing. Last year, the burden of his school projects fell on me, since I have the more flexible work schedule. This year, I've had some health issues and recouping from surgery, so more has fallen on his father. This time last year, we asked him about his homework daily, and reviewed it afterwards. We found out at the first teacher's conference that he never turned it in. We corrected that pronto. This year, we asked him abut his homework every night and he told us he completed it at school. Not surprising, since we have enrolled him in an after school homework session. My son has always been honest with us, so we had no reason to doubt him. I notice the first traces of a moustache on his upper lip and realize he's going through hormonal/steroid changes that will affect his behavior. His father and I agree to be more vigilant, going through his backpack, emailing each other at least weekly with progress reports and attached files of homework on the computer.
Edited to add; The main point his father and I disagree on is ADD testing. It runs in my family and several teachers have suggested testing for it. Our son's scores for cognitive skills are waaaaay at the top, yet his grades do not reflect it. Portland schools do not provide any ADD testing, it has to be done by a medical professional and his insurance is handled through his dad - who is fearful of labels or medication. This year, a concerned teacher was very adamant. I'm hoping that will turn the tables.
Edited again to add: I am doubly grateful to his teachers for notifying us, he scores high in both English and math, which the "no child left behind" program preaches to.
[ edited by pixiamom on Nov 27, 2007 12:31 AM ]
posted on November 27, 2007 04:55:02 AM new
It isn't just Portland schools. ADD/ADHD is a medical diagnosis that can only be done by a doctor. No school tests for it. There really isn't a "test" for it anyhow. A doctor's diagnosis is based mainly on how the parent, educators and others describe the child's behavior through a questionaire the Dr. provides.
The only real proof of the pudding is through chemical therapy. If chemical therapy works, the kid probably has ADD. If not, he doesn't. The common central nervous system stimulants that are used to treat ADD will effect non-ADD persons like methamphetamines, speeding them up. For some unknown reason, they have the opposite effect on ADD kids, evening them out and helping them focus.
There's a lot of controversy about the long term effects of giving these powerful drugs to kids. I've seen them work miracles and I've seen them turn kids into zombies. I do believe however that a child who is truly ADD needs to be medicated if he is going to have any success in a large public school classroom with lots of distractions. If the decision is made against medication, that child needs to be educated in a setting more focused on his individual needs.
If he has trouble sitting through homework sessions, a little experiment you might do on your own is to have him drink a cup of black tea at the beginning of his homework. Tea contains both caffeine and theophylline, which are CNS stimulants. If it seems to have some effect helping him focus and stay on task, it might be worth having him assayed for ADD. Some years ago I had a kid who had pretty serious ADHD. Her parents were adamant against medication and insisted that she was just a behavior problem. By midmorning every day she could no more sit still or focus than she could flap her wings and fly. Sometimes when she got real bad I'd give her a coke and let her go outside and drink it. It would calm her down and help her make it at least to lunch without spinning out completely.
posted on December 4, 2007 09:44:29 PM new
The struggle goes on. My kid was nauseous today. Last time (two years ago- at age 10 he had never vomited) I ignored it and he got sick at school- haven't heard the end of it yet. I let him stay home today but went to his teachers for homework assignments - he seems pretty spunky. Quiz tomorrow, the teacher almost fed me the questions so I spent an hour making a proto-quiz. Melt down, tantrum. Yet he aced his last English test with an A+, the teacher said all the class applauded, how embarrassing! Hard work for him, harder work for parents!
posted on December 17, 2007 07:56:30 PM new
We are in a new trimester and we have new routines to see that home work is covered and inspected.
Last week, his father called and asked that we provide a united front in grounding him from all TV, computer and video games and iPod for a short period of time ( his Dad actually grounded him for the whole trimester). I had already told my son we are looking forward, not backward, and homework gets top priority from now on. I finally saw this as a quid-pro-quo and agreed to ground him from his favorite computer game (Runescape) until his grades were up to par as long as his father agreed to have him tested for ADD.
My son was with his father last week. He came to me today clearly depressed. I explained the situation to him, not laying fault with his Dad, but explaining that if the test proves he has ADD, we will get appropriate treatment and the grounding will stop on my side. I also promised that any day he brought home a test or paper with a grade greater than B+, he would get a one-day reprieve.
Later, when we were discussing Christmas plans, he told me that his Dad's significant other (who really is a good-hearted woman, but from a different culture (Chile) and a strict disciplinarian) said that maybe he didn't deserve Christmas this year. What a horrible thing to say to a child! I'm trying to assure him that he does deserve Christmas, it has nothing to do with school grades. His father has not followed up with me on the ADD appointment.
I need to pick my battles. His Dad's significant other's messing with my son's self-esteem, or pushing for the doctor's appointment? Edited to add: decided on the ADD appointment.
[ edited by pixiamom on Dec 17, 2007 09:45 PM ]
posted on December 18, 2007 04:36:35 AM new
There isn't anything you can do about the girlfriend. Push for the ADHD exam.You might want to start with his teacher and the school counselor. They'll have an ADHD inventory sheet they can fill out on him. It has a series of questions regarding his behavior. This is usually what gets the ball rolling in such a diagnosis.
Pixiamom, Since you believe that ADD may be a possibility, making the child miserable by cutting out every activity that he enjoys may not be helpful in resolving the problem. Until you are able to investigate the possibility of ADD you may want to consider giving your son a period of time to enjoy his day and let him know that if he will work with you for a few minutes on his homework that his fun activities will be increased.
You said, "I need to pick my battles. His Dad's significant other's messing with my son's self-esteem, or pushing for the doctor's appointment? Edited to add: decided on the ADD appointment."
Personally, I wouldn't bother his father with this problem since he is probably overwhelmed with one of his own. Your best resource is your good mind along with some assistance from the school and your physician.
posted on December 18, 2007 07:50:30 AM new
I am eliminating one favorite game and no other activity (save homework always comes first- I do give him an hour down time after school). The medical coverage is through his Dad's insurance. We've been exchanging emails again and he's ignoring my questions about the Doctor's appointment. If he refuses to do anything, I will take Profe's advice and get the forms from the teacher before Christmas week to get the ball rolling.
Just to clarify, in my previous comment I was referring to his Dad's suggestion to "ground him from all TV, computer and video games and iPod" for a trimester.
posted on December 18, 2007 10:34:25 AM new
Yes, good luck, Pixi. You're being a very good parent, and I applaud you. Those significant others can be a huge problem for divorced couples' children.
We are so fortunate in that respect: Our daughter's signif. other (doesn't live with her but is there a LOT) thinks her boys are lots of fun, and the boys enjoy his company.
Our ex-son-in-law's significant other is a grade-school science teacher, loves the boys, and brings home free samples that companies send science teachers.
So. . . our grandsons (11 and 7) have FOUR adults who love them. What's not to like about that!
Important zen lesson: "We create what happens to us." A lesson our kids all need to learn.
_____________________
I'll bet your son would enjoy a program like that! The no homework policy may have been of some benefit to kids who had involved parents but more than likely disadvatageous to children whose parents didn't have the time or inclination to spend time promoting subjects being taught at school.