WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the
Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that
provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless
Americans. The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after
its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon
millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own-- do
not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for
themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter.
"Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding,
dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, filling out
mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing
bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions
of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and
moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the
white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an
illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-
based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of
upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable
employees.
The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire
nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one
non-germane worker for every two talented hirees.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new
measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning
prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as,
"What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any
special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"
"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with
co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou
Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a
Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable
skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the
passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of
other untalented, unessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of
the tunnel.
Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings,
to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her
lack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great
nation."
