posted on January 11, 2001 05:07:27 PM new
I have a question for the parents out there who chose to have children. Before you did, were you 100% sure you wanted to? My husband and I discuss it sometimes but neither of us is sure raising a child is what we want -- or don't want.
We've been told we should be 100% sure before making a decision. Is that really possible?
posted on January 11, 2001 05:16:10 PM new
No--I don't think it is possible to be 100% sure......but once you are there ---there is no changing your mind.
posted on January 11, 2001 05:18:02 PM new
Rainybear....I wasnt sure. It happened. Yes, I knew what the results could be to do the ol' fo de oh doh doh...and yep, got pregnant. Both times. But it was worth it. To me, if you have doubts to where you have to ask, then maybe its a sign? Kids are hard to raise....but what parent out there doesnt love their children? (Well, 99% of them do). I guess what Im saying to you is, if you really REALLY wanted kids, then there would be no questions or doubts. You would do anything to have them...anything. And you would do anything to take care of them, and patooey on the doubts.
posted on January 11, 2001 05:34:58 PM new
I am with the other poster Mauimoods.If you need to ask yourself maybe you really are not ready yet.It is alot of responsibilty and you have to make alot of "lifestlye" changes but if you want kids you would be willing to sacrifice and make the changes.
As for planning or thinking about it before,Ya I think anyone with an ounce of responsibilty would think of that.It is really sad if they don't and I commend you on making absolutely sure you want to before you plan.It will change your life for sure but for the better.When they are sick it is the worst but when they give you that look you just cannot beat that!
--------------------------------- If I had money I'd be rich!
--------------------------------- My Bit
posted on January 11, 2001 05:37:02 PM new
Although Maui is right about MOST things, I'm going to have to disagree with her on this.
You can never be 100% sure about something you've never done before. Just the idea of having the responsibility is frightening, and a person would be foolish not to give it a lot of thought.
We waited 7 years to have our first, and we were used to going where we wanted to, spending our money how we wanted to, and sleeping in all day saturday if we chose. But I wouldn't give up one minute with my children to go back to that. They are grown now and in college, so we are kind of back in that position (except for the money part!) I miss having kids around terribly!
They are a lot of work-18 years of constant care, love, joy, companionship, doubts about your parenting ability, worry, love, fun, giggles. I love my job, my husband, my life. But getting a bear hug from a wonderful, 6'2" boy that you raised is so far superior to any career, hobby, spotless house, that there is just no comparison. I just wish those first 18 years could have lasted longer.
posted on January 11, 2001 05:44:12 PM new
Bearmom...I wished I was right most of the time.
But I wouldn't give up one minute with my children to go back to that. They are grown now and in college, so we are kind of back in that position (except for the money part!) I miss having kids around terribly!
That says it all Bearmom. And what I was trying to convey, but not doing so slick with my wording. ALL of what you said was right on the mark. Thanks for saying what I was struggling to.
posted on January 11, 2001 05:52:20 PM new
1) You can never be prepared for children, other than having the right baby clothes ready. It will turn your life and your world upside down and you'll never be the same again.
2) Both of my kids were "surprises", but I can't imagine my life without them.
3) Wait till you have grandchildren. It's even more exciting than having your own.
4) You need someone to take care of you (or put you in Shady Pines) when you're old. All the work is worth that security.
5) Life without children would be a very empty life, in my opinion.
posted on January 11, 2001 05:53:56 PM new
I don't think that NOT having kids was ever a thought in our heads. While I remember talking about WHEN to have them, we never discussed the possibility that we could choose to not have any.
I think it is impossible to know for 100%, but look at it this way...
Fast forward in your lives to your Senior years. Imagine your lives without grown children and grand children. Don't just gloss over this, really think about it.
Now imagine your life with a family.
We have 4 kids, 3 boys, 16, 19, 21, and daughter 13. Life is busy, hard, expensive, and a lot of fun sometimes, all the things you would think it would be. There is no way we ever understood the stresses and joys of raising 4 kids.
Also, don't just ask yourselves if you want a baby, ask "Do we want teenagers?" (or A teenager)
Would I do it all over again? Do I have to answer that right now? There are 11 kids in my downstairs right now.
posted on January 11, 2001 06:06:42 PM new
I always wanted kids...but I was scared spitless of the idea. We thought maybe we couldn't have any, since we were unprotected from marriage on and nothing. Then, about five months after my mom died - POW.
Scared is not the word for it. Not husband - he wasn't scared. I was terrified. But it all worked out. Nick will be nine in a few days. We were happy with one kid, but when I got transplanted up here, part of the deal was that I wanted another baby. It took a while, and a miscarriage, but we got the princess outta that deal. And I wouldn't trade either one of them for anything on this planet.
Of course, at the moment the boy is terrorizing his sister (and she is reciprocating) and it's loud. Moments like this...well, you kinda understand why animals eat their young. But like the song says:
...and I thank the Lord, everynight, for just another day in Paradise...
It's loud, it's crazy, it's scary, and it's the most important thing I'll ever accomplish in my life.
100% sure? No. Even now there are days that I say "what was I thinking???" But for every moment like that, there are 10,000 precious things that make it worthwhile.
Follow your heart. You'll be fine.
::waving to Maui and Zazzie and the others I'm sure I didn't list and should have::
posted on January 11, 2001 07:36:39 PM new
Children can certainly change your life.
I have a whole lot less money. I weigh 50 pounds heavier. I hardly have any free time. The house always seems to be messy. The house can be really loud. Someone always demands my attention. I am no longer Becky - I am Hayley's Mom. I used to go out. Now I go to Girl Scout meetings. I used to be a disc jockey. Now I'm a Girl Scout Leader.
Would I do it again? IN A HEARTBEAT!
My children are my entire life. I can spend an evening just watching them sleep. For Christmas I would rather spend the whole time watching the kids open their presents than even getting any presents myself.
Still not sure about having children? The best way for me to sum it up is this:
Having children is like having the most intense love affair of your life. Imagine being handed an empty slate - and you get to fill it. Oh, it certainly is hard - but it seems to me like you always find the energy you need. AND you will be amazed at how your body learns to cope without sleep!
Best wishes to you. Now, my final word of advice - EPIDURAL!
posted on January 11, 2001 07:54:47 PM new
Muriel - Why is the kid sitting in a basket?
Is that his make believe submarine?
People who are ever 100% sure about things scare me. I am sure TV preachers and politicians love them. People who look at all the options and go with the odds I can understand.
posted on January 11, 2001 08:14:36 PM new
Don't give in and have a baby just because it is the norm. They are a huge responsibility, you will love your baby regardless but sometimes resentment can creep in , I have witnessed this with friends who had a baby because it was expected of them. Then they found the social life went out the window - because baby had colic or was teething, resentment can start slow and build fast. Think long and hard before you decide. Do you have someone you can borrow a baby from for a weekend? If not what about a virtual baby, my daughter had to look after a virtual baby for a week as part of her Early Childhood Studies and believe me it is just like having a new born in the house. Sleep was a distant memory while that doll was in our house, and you can not leave it alone while you went out, you have to take them with you to the shops or where ever you are going. Maybe Child Services can loan you one or you local high school.
posted on January 11, 2001 08:26:22 PM newRainybear: Good for you! You are taking a responsible attitude. While it is true that a person can't be 100% prepared for all that comes with having children, I believe that anyone who is sexually active (married or unmarried) without good birth control device in use should give *serious* thought about if they are ready for the commitment required.
Far too many people who do have children seem not to be ready to subliminate *their* needs/desires to the realities of raising a child. Not to mention people who are temperamentally just not able to deal with kids on a 24/7 basis (& the idea that that will just "naturally" change after a baby is born is nonsense).
Also, there is this point: in the past people just naturally learned parenting skills by the simple fact that families were large. Older siblings helped mom & dad care for younger siblings, learning how to care for infants, supervise & deal with children, how to deal with illnesses, crotchets, etc. So many people today in the more developed countries *don't* have this learning experience behind them & go into parenthood knowing significantly less than a mother chimp about parenting. IMO, every couple should be required to take parenting classes before they are *allowed* to have children. Bet it would cut down significantly on the rising child abuse figures.
posted on January 11, 2001 08:27:32 PM newmaddienicks Moments like this .. well, you kinda understand why animals eat thier young LMAO
God how many times have I had those sort of thoughts myself. Mine are older now, but I am not sure if it gets better or not cause at 20, 18 and 16 they are still fighting each other. He ate all the ice cream, that was my coke ect. The only time 16 y.o. son is polite to his 18 y.o. sister is when he wants her to drive him or a mate around somewhere. He tolerates older brother because he always has money and a car and is only too willing to be driving all night looking at the girls. So they go from picking little spats with each other to full scale wars with each other over the most stupid things that only a teenager could take offence at. I'm still waiting for the time everyone tells me will come - when they grow up. At what age does this happen???
edited cause I did not know how old my son is.
posted on January 11, 2001 09:12:41 PM newRainyBear
My husband and I thought we were a perfect match because we talked a lot before we married and neither of us EVER wanted to have kids!
We were married maybe 3 years when we both suddenly noticed that we found other people's children so charming; so CUTE! It took us by surprise and we spent the next year or so debating whether or not to have a baby.
The thought of it was SO scary because we both knew that if we made a mistake, there was no turning back. I'd have to say that a major turning point was when we realized that holidays and such were about families and we'd never have one of our own. We started to imagine what it would be like in old age without kids and grandkids. We wanted the love and security and fulfillment of a family.
We had our first baby in 1986, after exactly 5 years of marriage. The pregnancy was stressful for me because I was afraid the whole time. I kept wondering if I was doing the right thing and worried about what I would do if I was wrong.
Today I have two kids, a boy and a girl, and I can honestly say it was the best decision I ever made. Sure, it's been a lot of work but the rewards are great.
I KNOW I wasn't 100% sure when I decided to have a baby nor was I sure for a few weeks afterward!
It's good that you're talking about it and considering all the ramifications. That's a smart thing to do, IMO.
posted on January 11, 2001 09:51:41 PM new
Thanks, everyone, for sharing your experiences. It really helps a lot to hear different points of view, and the "been there done that" stories. What a valuable resource we have here to be able to talk about things like this.
Kris - I like what you said about "follow your heart." I think you're right about that.
Busybiddy - that's exactly how I always felt, like I never wanted kids, and why in the world would I want to go and do such a burdensome thing? But then I got older and started really appreciating my family, and my husband's family, and we've talked about what it might be like to add to our own little family (which is currently composed of the two of us and three cats).
And when I say "have a child," what I mean is adopt a child - no epidural for me, thanks! China's one child law results in lots of abandoned baby girls who need parents, and I'd like to give one of them a good home.
As a woman, though, I'm afraid of being pigeonholed into a "primary caregiver" role even though my husband and I, at least in theory, share responsibilities equally. (That doesn't count "my jobs" like paying the bills, remembering birthdays, and sending Christmas cards.) I'm very conscious that women are expected to take primary responsibility for their children, and that message is everywhere -- in commercials, in the grocery store, wherever you look.
Although my husband says that wouldn't happen, I know he'd like for me to do it all -- to be a financial provider and a mother and someone who also manages to keep the bed made and the house tidy. He does his part because he knows intellectually that it's the right thing to do, but he was raised, just as I was, in a "traditional family" where the mother took care of the kids while Dad worked and "helped out" with the kids here and there. I often see emails at work from men who say they'll be staying home that day to "babysit," as if they're just filling in temporarily, and I know that their wives also work full time jobs.
In a household where one person stays home, well, that's a different story. I can really see why it worked out well when that was just the way it was... one person took responsibility for income, and the other for raising the family and tending the home. I can excel in either of those roles, but doing it all is a real trick, even without kids. My husband and I both find it difficult to motivate ourselves to cook dinner after work and to keep the house in a reasonably clean state.
Hmm, I think I'm getting off on a whole different subject here. I'd better stop rambling on at the fingertips!!
posted on January 11, 2001 09:57:31 PM new
I wasn't 100% sure until that first moment I looked into their eyes... wow - what a rush!
OTOH, I've had moments of pure exhaustion with two kids and four inside pets... not to mention the hubby and a gerbil/hamster/rat looking thing that I try to pretend isn't really in my son's room. I'd say for sanities sake it's best to choose between pets or kids... Just kiddin - but, yes kids are a constant challenge and a pure joy. The toughest thing for me has been finding a way to keep myself - who I am and want to be safely intact while adjusting to their needs and wants at the same time.
The best parenting advice I ever got was from a child psychologist who told me "don't sweat the small stuff - you'll have enough real battles to fight." I've got friends who fight with their kids over every detail. Decide what's really important to stand firm on and fight about that.
posted on January 11, 2001 11:05:02 PM new
RainyBear - I commend you as well for giving serious consideration to this issue.
I don't have children, however, my own nieces, nephews, sisters, etc. relationships with their children brings to mind one very important consideration.
Along with deciding whether or not you want children, think about what type of parents you and your husband will make.
My own family didn't turn out to be very good parents, mostly the children suffered for this but in a couple of cases, the parents suffered.
I have a sister-in-law and a niece who both love children and wanted them badly. They each have two children, but those children don't have mothers, they simply have baby-sitters or "older sisters" of sorts.
One couple is and has been married all the childrens' lives, but the father just more or less ignores the kids and the mother isn't strong enough to give the kids what they need. Mothering is just too hard for her, she just wanted the fun time with kids.
The other couple is divorced, the father has hurt the children emotionally and was a poor choice for a husband in the first place. Again, the parenting skills of the mother leave a great deal to be desired.
I realize you won't have either of those problems, but just think about whether the kids you may have would want the type of parent you will be.
Not meaning to be offensive, just another side of the coin.
posted on January 11, 2001 11:25:22 PM new
This post brought to you from the other side of the coin ....
My husband and I have been married almost 13 years. He's 33, and I'm 32. We don't have any kids.
When we got married, we expected to have a family later on. But the more time went by, the more it seemed that having a family was expected of us by our families than expected by us ourselves. Neither of us has anything against children, but it seems that our feelings toward actually having a child of our own has mutually changed over the years.
Our parents pestered us and pestered us and pestered us, constantly saying "When???" and whenever someone else in the family had a baby, we'd get the "Well, it's y'all's turn now!" scenario. It got to the point where we (me especially) dreaded going to family get-togethers because I knew the questions that would be asked. It was, inevitably, "have you gone to the doctor???", as if we were trying to have a baby and couldn't. Very annoying!
Anyway, we've both gotten to the point where the questions and pestering doesn't bother us nearly as much as it used to, and we're glad we didn't let anyone push us into making a decision. I think our families have picked up on this, and they don't bug us too much anymore.
We went from 100% sure we wanted a family, to 100% sure we didn't want a family, so I don't think "being sure" or not at any given moment has any bearing on whether you'll be "sure" a year from now.
I heard in a movie once that if, every morning when you wake up, you're thinking about one particular thing, then you're meant to do/have that thing. So, yes, I feel you should follow your heart, and don't let anyone influence you.
posted on January 12, 2001 04:24:56 AM new
Re: the other side of the coin
I think it was Jada who mentioned the shortcomings...I screw up at least once a day. You know, you get pregnant, you bring home the little bundle of joy, and he/she is so cute. But like St. Bernard puppies, they grow up. And with the growing up comes difficulties.
We used to joke that we had a therapy jar for our son - every time we screwed up really bad we added to the jar, figuring when he was 18 he could pay for therapy to fix all the stuff we messed up while raising him. Imagine my surprise when he was diagnosed with ADHD, and the whole therapy thing started sooner than I could have expected! (In this state, they can't prescribe any Ritalin type drugs without accompanying therapy.)
Maddie is still a joy - she's pretty little yet - but Nick can make my moods swing faster than PMS. With the normal behavior of a nine year old boy (which is utterly foreign to me!) combined with ADHD, I'm swimming in murky water a lot of the time. He can drive me to tears, because he knows what buttons to push. On the other hand, he had all of us laughing until we were crying the other night - nine year old boys think belching is a blast. So he's drinking pop and blasting away...I told him when he learned to burp the Star Spangled Banner, I'd be impressed. He looked at me for a minute, then he said "I don't know the Star Spangled Banner (note to Mom: call that school!) but I can burp my ABCs." I told him to prove it. OMG. By the letter D, I was lucky to still be in my chair.
Not parenting at it's greatest, but IMO, when there is laughter to be found that you can share with your kids - DO IT. The best memories I have of my time with my mom was the times we were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe.
I love the idea of adopting from China! I think if it had turned out that we couldn't have kids on our own, we likely would have gone that route ourselves.
Kris
[email protected]
posted on January 12, 2001 05:43:56 AM new
I was unsure about being a parent until the moment the doctor flopped my 10 lb 3 oz boy up on my stomach. One look at that purple squished face and all my doubts vanished. And then to look over to see my husband cry with joy for the very first time told me all I needed to know about the ability of us to be good parents. And things have worked out just fine.
posted on January 12, 2001 05:48:50 AM new
Of the two families we have as close friends who have several children both have at least one child who is "normal" functions in society and went out to make their own way in the world. Each also has one who is still depending on the parents in their late 20's. One is a manic-depresive on disability and the other is a crack head.
We are unable to visit their houses or invite them to travel or enjoy any of the things we do with our friends who did not have children because they are on 24 hr. call and all their resources are committed until the day they die to their worthless offspring. They can't leave them at home alone anymore than a 8 year old. If we scheduale a visit and want to do a weekend trip with them at the last minute the child is in jail/treatment/back home/crisis and they can't go. Last time the one boy was in jail I said well you know where he is going to be what are you going to do sit down there on the steps waiting for him to come out? I don't see why you can't come. They said they had to be there to CALL.
Bull - It never ends and they don'y HAVE a life.
posted on January 12, 2001 07:25:34 AM newCodasaurus So adorable... thanks for sharing.
Rainybear There's a funny line in the movie Overboard (Goldie Hawn) when her mother says "But, honnnnneeeeyy, If you have a baby then you won't beeeeeee the baby anymore.
So true! The rewards are unbelievably rich - but the little one always comes first and inevitably in some way you sacrifice a part of yourself. That' not necessarily a bad thing - all considering - but something you'll want to think about.
posted on January 12, 2001 08:09:46 AM new
My children make my life complete. My husband, however, never wanted children. So, he is there but for the most part I am raising the children alone. Do I have any regrets? Absolutely not! Does he love the girls? Certainly. BUT I chose to have the children and I am glad that I did. Sure, you no longer can just go out shopping by yourself - but who would want to? Nothing can compare to spending an afternoon shopping - trying on silly hats, playing in the toy stores, eating pretzels in the mall.
If you decide to have children your life will definately change. You just evolve into a different person than you were before. You will discover aspects of you that you never thought possible. You will find that things that totally disgust you now will not even phase you after having a baby around for awhile. AND after a little while you can go to the movies again - you just go to different ones! If you thought going to the movies with your husband was fun it is even better taking little ones to the latest kid's movie. AND no matter what success you have had in your life up to this point nothing will ever compare to the rush of emotion that comes upon both of you at the moment of birth. OR to the first time they call you Mama. OR my favorite - "Wait! I forgot to give you a kiss!" Oh, I have had many titles in my career. But nothing will ever come close to being Mommy.
