First, a note to Irene/Stockticker... Thank you for the insightful and thoughtful post in Rawbunzel’s thread. It made me weep (well, actually, I was a blubbering mess) and helped in the healing process.
And, thank you to those who expressed concern for my whereabouts in the same thread.
And, to those kind souls who wished me a Happy Birthday in December. Please know that you were doing so much more than expressing those oft-spoken words. You lifted my spirits. A special thank you to Snowyegret for starting the thread.
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This is not the post I've been writing and editing the last few days. That post was a mildly scathing exit manifesto.
But, while editing the original opening in that post, it became very clear to me what writing an exit manifesto would mean for me. For some exit manifesto authors it means a day, a week, a month, or several months off of the boards. But, for me, it would mean a permanent exit. The thought of leaving AW's boards permanently was not acceptable to me.
Besides, who would introduce
mauimoods to her next new “F” word? I could see how much she enjoyed the mileage she got from the last one I taught her.
As I was taking my daily walk last night (great for clearing out the cobwebs) I came to the conclusion that I am not willing to give up:
- thought-provoking conversation
- valuable information from some very knowledgeable people
- sharing a laugh
- sharing a tear
When I returned from my walk, I did my evening ritual of a cup of coffee and a trip to the RT. I opened up the “Jesse Jackson” thread and saw Antiquary’s excellent glove comeback to krs’ set-up. As happens so often on this board, I burst into laughter. It was my confirmation that leaving RT and EO would only be depriving myself of one of the little joys in my life. For that, I bestow on Antiquary my rarely-given 4!!! .
AW's chat boards are very much a part of my life and have been for over 2 years. I love people, have worked with, and enjoyed, the public all my life and am still amazed that I can talk to and get to know people from all over the world. I do not take all of this technology for granted.
I have grown very fond of many of the posters and would miss them terribly. Though they don't know it, their posts, and especially the humor, along with music, have helped me keep my sanity through the worst year of my life (2000). I am not being dramatic. This is a fact.
Though I wanted to scream and cry, even to strangers, about what happened in my life, it is not my way. I will not burden you with the details. Just know, if you don’t already, that one person's irresponsible and selfish act can change your life. My husband and I will never be the same people we were before Nov. 1999.
We console ourselves: 1) in knowing that we are not the only parents and grandparents that this has happened to; 2) in believing that when an individual makes the conscientious effort to inflict pain for their own gain, then that individual has to accept the consequences of their action; and 3) in knowing that we, my husband and I, are good people.
I know I’m supposed to learn something from all of this pain, but it has yet to reveal itself to me. As always, I will work this out, for I am a strong person. However, I now think I will have to seek some professional therapy for some assistance. It goes against my nature to keep all of this anger inside, and I have no one else to take it from me.
Though I kept my silence for 14 months, I did finally touch on “it” in the "Parents..." thread. And, this is where the hurt I felt comes in, the result of which was going back and deleting all of my RT posts on 5 pages and walking away.
Vulnerable, overly sensitive and fragile are not words one would normally use to describe me. Well, maybe sensitive, but not overly. Were I not in such a state for the past year and especially the last few months, I'm sure I would have brushed off the slight as I usually do. But this time I couldn't.
I'm sure many posters did not see my post in the “Parents…” thread, but I am just as sure that many did and, for whatever reason, glossed over it or chose to ignore it. Whatever the reason, I was very hurt that not one person had a kind word for me when I so desperately needed a kind word.
I think there are a lot of truly compassionate people on the chat boards. But, I also believe there is a lot of lip service about compassion from some. They are the ones who practice what I call
selective compassion. It all depends on who is in need of a kind word.
These are the same people who have taken up collections for those they deem worthy of their compassion, or taken back into the fold posters who have said some ugly and hurtful things on the boards. But yet, these people have not even one kind word for those they have deemed unworthy of their compassion. I can only speculate on what the criteria is for becoming one of the worthy ones.
It’s hard to admit that one can be hurt by anonymous, faceless people, but there you have it.
I think we have a responsibility to always be aware that there are real people on the other sides of those computers who laugh and cry just like you. People who have joy and sorrow in their lives, just like you. Unless you have an exceptional dog, cat, ferret or bird, a human hand is typing those words. When you choose to ignore one poster’s pain while acknowledging another’s, it doesn’t feel good. We all need to be validated.
I’m over the hurt now. However, I doubt I will set myself up like that again.
posted on January 19, 2001 12:43:38 PM new
femme - While I didn't see what happened in that thread, I'm sure glad you've decided to stay on AW.
Thanks for sharing your feelings with us. You are right, there are many caring people who post here.
You are the only one, obviously who can decide if therapy is needed for your personal struggles. But I would like to offer the suggestion that you meet with your OBGYN and possibly have your estrogen levels checked. Low estrogen levels can cause mood swings. I shared with my doctor that one minute I'd break out crying (for no reason), the next minute I wanted to rip someone's head off (also without apparent reason). Not like me at all and this behavior was of concern to me. Now, I'm fine....lots of estrogen made a world of difference in my life. (and my husband's too. )
Thank You!
For returning, for an excellent post, and for the high praise ; it's been a goal for a while but I had almost given up.
I honestly did not see the post that you mentioned; I don't always read all of the threads, but please know that you have my sincerest best wishes and warmest regards. Hang in there....and here!!!
posted on January 19, 2001 12:51:20 PM newfemme I did not see your post in the Parents thread and I don't always post, I am still very new to this whole thing. But Oh god I can almost feel your pain. I don't know what tragic thing has happened in your life this past year, and I don't know you but I have seen some of your post and I have seen the worry and concern from the long time posters on AW. You are part of this big family and you are respected.
Hang in there femme, and welcome back to AW.
[ edited by nettak on Jan 19, 2001 12:52 PM ]
posted on January 19, 2001 12:51:50 PM new
Hello Femme --
I hope you're OK. Really I do. Though we rarely chat, we've been crossing posts for a couple years, and I do look for your posts frequently, as they are always full of candor and intelligence. I appreciate consistency like that, and I appreciate and value you as a contributor here at AW.
I didn't see "it"...the post that sparked this, so I can't comment on that, but I'm sorry for your pain, and hope you can find peace, through whatever means possible. If I can be frank, even if I had seen it, I don't know what my reaction would have been. Quite often, I don't know what to say to a person in distress, for fear that I will only exacerbate their pain. Sometimes it's hard to gauge the feelings of people, and I can't always recognize if someone needs a kind word or to just vent and be left alone. Regardless, I'm sorry if you felt let down by your fellow posters; I know the feeling, and it does hurt.
I hope you'll keep hanging your hat here...you're needed. Take care of yourself, first and foremost, though.
posted on January 19, 2001 12:58:12 PM new
I certainly am glad that you are still here. You always have a good thing to say about everyone, and your presence is missed when you're not here and enhances it for everyone else when you are.
posted on January 19, 2001 01:52:34 PM new
femme: I don't read all the posts especially if I think they will upset me. I'm not very verbal and tend to start crying before I can get my thoughts straight.
I went through a terrible period in my life and I got more true concern and compassion from strangers than I did from my own family. I think one of the hardest things to do is to see someone in great pain and not be able to take it away.
I never cease to amazed at the people I have met on my auctions and the message boards that were so grateful for a kind word. We really do care because most of us have had our hearts broken in one way or another.
I wish you everything good and kind. Don't go away. You know that you will always have a friend here.
posted on January 19, 2001 02:01:27 PM new
Femme...Im sorry I didnt pick up on your hurt. I honestly dont remember that thread very well, because it pushes some painful buttons for me too, so I just skimmed thru it. For that, Im sorry. Im glad you decided to stay, and yes, I have to learn more "F" words. Concerning manifestos...no comment, lol. All I can say is that sometimes people have to take a break. Sometimes its forever, sometimes its a short while. Different styles suit different people. AW would be lacking in one fine person if you left for good. I keep coming back, because I NEED the people here. I have a life, yes. But this place is part of my life too. So take the time you need, and know that you are so appreciated here, and for myself (and obviously others), glad you are not leaving.
posted on January 19, 2001 02:04:38 PM newfemme - I feel terrible. I started the "Parents" thread and I had no idea that it would trigger anything bad. I didn't respond to your post directly because you said that you'd let it stand "for now," so I wasn't sure if you wanted anyone to discuss it further.
But I did internalize your words, and along with what everyone else had written they really helped me. Thank you for that post, and I'm very sorry it has caused you pain.
I think it's not always obvious when compassion is needed, especially in a medium like this. Sometimes you have to ask for it directly, or no one will notice that you need their support. We all need a knock on the head sometimes to get us to sit up and take notice of what should be obvious, but isn't.
posted on January 19, 2001 02:09:14 PM newfemme I also did not see the post to which you refer. I wish I had and had been able to offer you some words of comfort even from a faceless "stranger". I have been too familiar with "pain" in my life, and have often wondered why these bad things happen to good people. I wish I had the answer. I don't think I ever will. I can only empathize with you for whatever difficult times you are going through, and wish for you comfort and peace in your life. It's so hard sometimes, but we just have to keep on "keeping on". I know that phrase doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it's been my mantra for the last 20 years. Peace and love to you.
posted on January 19, 2001 02:10:19 PM new
A very eloquent post... glad you are back and were able to express that femme.
I did not read that thread (parents) so have no idea what your post was, maybe many didn't see it, or pick up on what you were expressing, and none of us can be eloquent in every single situation, sometimes I'm at a loss for words though I'd hate to admit it.
We all need kind words. I have definitely felt exactly the way you've expressed yourself in your post.
It would be nice if all could give kind words to others too... expecially right when the other person needed it... the real world interferes with that lofty ideal though. We are all human after all.
posted on January 19, 2001 02:15:29 PM newfemme
I have not been in the RT a lot lately and just happened on this thread just now.
I just want you to know that I deem you very worthy and I think you have been an important member of this community.
I am also very sorry about your situation (I did not see the "Parents" thread and your post today is the first I have read about it).
I hope that whatever happened to make the past year so bad will heal quickly and that you have happiness in your future.
I can see that you're hurting and I am sorry.
posted on January 19, 2001 02:45:43 PM new
So very true RainyBear, so very true. I think it's not always obvious when compassion is needed, especially in a medium like this.
I have seen posts where people share they haven't read the whole thread, they're just responding to the first post. I checked that thread (Parents) and saw that I was the last poster on it and I know that's what I did. The only posts I read were RainyBears opening post and ShadowCat's, who posted before I did.
Also there are times I make a post and get distracted by RL and don't ever make it back to the previous threads. I also see people ask others questions that don't get answered...I just figure they went off line, not that they're being ignored. It can be a difficult medium.
I too am glad you were able to open up and share your feelings with us. Thank you.
posted on January 19, 2001 02:47:26 PM newfemme: Here's my hankie.
I didn't see your post in the parents... thread, but I'm so sorry you're having such a dreadful year and are in such pain.
I'm glad you didn't leave AW.
posted on January 19, 2001 02:53:00 PM new
femme - I also didn't read that thread, and I don't know what your situation is or what was said to hurt you so deeply.
Maybe because you have let some of it out it will help you to heal. I'm glad you have decided to stay here with us.
I hope this new year will have happier times for you, and that you get the love, comfort, and support that you deserve and need.
posted on January 19, 2001 04:09:08 PM new
Well Femme,
I've told you once how I value you, and I think that you know that I meant it, so I'm certainly happy that you've chosen to stick around.
I can't help but remark upon how wonderful it is of you to, even while in pain and some embarrassment, still give to Antiquary the only validating comment he's ever likely to receive .
posted on January 19, 2001 04:31:09 PM newFemme Glad you decided to try us again! We would truly miss you if you left. I am another who did not read your post in the "Parents" thread. I never read every thread so do miss a lot. I wondered what Irene could have read that would make her say what she did in the thread I started but didn't feel like that was the place to ask about it. I am so very sorry that you have been living in a personal hell for the last year. I am sorry that I missed the one opportunity I may have had to give you a kind word when you most needed it. Hope your life turns around soon. Welcome back!
I don't remember the “Parents…” thread. So I have no idea what caused the feelings you have. After reading your opening post several times I see you were genuinely hurt by something. For that (your hurt) I am sorry.
I am glad that you feel better now. I am also glad that you will stick around Auction Watch to enjoy what I hope will be good times...
Barry (smile and the world smiles with you) Barris
posted on January 19, 2001 09:01:47 PM newFemme I've been away from the boards for the last few days and didn't realize that you had left. I'm relieved that you shared your feelings because I'm afraid that I am guilty of hurting you without realizing it. I'm sorry for the pain you've been through - both in feeling slighted and in the awful situation you've found yourself dealing with this past year.
I did read your post that night and wanted to respond. But, I guess we bring our own perspective to the board because I remember you had said something about possibly regretting the post because it was personal to you and that you might edit it out after thinking about it. That was what stopped me from responding. As incredibly stupid as it sounds now - at the time I thought that I was respecting you by not commenting on it until I saw whether you decided to edit it out or not. I thought I was being kind by not putting you in a position of discussing something that you might have a change of heart about sharing. Now, I can see that my decision was thoughtless and hurtful.
I'm so glad that you decided to stay and I'm very sorry for my part in the pain you've felt.
We are not well acquainted, but I value your opinions and respect your ability to communicate so well. Did see your "parents" post, but had no idea how to respond. I've been scarce for quite a while now and knew I missed at least some history.
Last year was Hellish for me, too. Not sure I could have survived without all the love and support of online friends. They know who they are and what they have done, standing with me during the darkest times. I think you have chosen well to remain.
Have little to offer beyond emotional support. Feel free to email anytime. {{{Femme}}}
posted on January 20, 2001 05:16:59 AM new
Oh, the irony...I decide to stay, and then couldn't get back in last night.
-----
I was able to compose myself after shutting down for several hours and came back in to read the most comforting words I have ever read. That includes all of the self-help books I have purchased over the last year.
I had initially intended to have this thread locked after my post. And, though I am embarrassed, I now know it was good for me to leave it open.
On the one hand, I am so sorry you all were in the path of this simmering volcano.
On the other hand, I am so glad you all were here and graciously accepted the fall-out from this simmering volcano. Thank you.
When the turkeys try to take me down again, I will re-visit this thread. Thank you.
You have restored my faith in humanity. A faith that has taken a severe beating over the last year. Thank you.
I will never again consider myself alone. I now know that there are people who will comfort even me in grief. All I have to do is swallow a little pride and ask. Thank you.
I have been trying to get on here and post since yesterday evening and it wouldn't log me in. How frustrating.
I wanted to add yet another comment that, had I felt comfortable, I would have said something to you on the "Parents" thread. Your seeming embarassment about the post made me hold off because I didn't want to draw any more attention to it. That's the only reason I held off posting but I did feel like I wanted to say something to you as you were obviously bummed. Posting on these boards is a whole lot different than interacting in person and it's hard to know what to say, and how to say it so that it's taken in the way it was intended. Lots of times I just don't bother to post because I don't want to be misunderstood.
Anyway, I have always liked your posts. You sound like someone who I would like as a next door neighbor! You are witty, informed, and compassionate. I'm sorry you have felt so bad about this board but I value your posts and am glad you are staying.
I truly hope things start to look up for you, and soon.
posted on January 20, 2001 08:26:31 AM new
Ah, femme. How to begin?
I didn't see your post in that thread - I posted there a couple of times early on, and then left the thread. I don't know what you shared. But I did notice a number of posts you had made suddenly edited to nothing, and I did wonder what happened. The pain you've gone through in the past year must be astounding to have brought you to the point of believing you would leave AW. You tend to be one I see as "standing back" from the melee in here - you see both sides of things, and tend to be very fair in your assessments.
You and I have had at least one disagreement on this board, (quite some time ago!) and that tends to put me to laying low when it comes to communicating here with you. That said, I also agree with you from this side of the monitor about 90% of the time.
I'm sorry for your pain. And I'm very glad you decided to stay. I'll be sending you postitive thoughts and praying your heart can begin to heal.
posted on January 20, 2001 08:28:38 AM new
Femme....I am glad you have chosen to stick around....I posted in the Parents thread, and obviously missed your need for comfort, for that I am very sorry...I do not remember your post (with all that is happening in my life right now, remember my own name is a chore! ) however, in the opening post of this thread, you mention how you are "strong person", and it might have been possible that strength shaded your post in such a way that your need was not really apparent. Strong women rarely get the comfort that they need (speakin' from my own personal experience) for those who know us (in RL or virtually) dont' understand that underneath our stoic exteriors are big hearts that sometimes yearn for alittle compassion....
I know I'm supposed to learn something for all of this pain, but it has yet to reveal itself to me Only you will discover what your lesson is to be from this pain, but the hurt that you felt from this forum has brought you to thinking about seek (ing) some professional therapy a that might be a very good step toward healing your pain....
It’s hard to admit that one can be hurt by anonymous, faceless people Ain't that the truth!...But yet it continues to happen...(remember the fear of the first few posts? )...Pls keep in mind that some folks might chose to ignore people & sad fact is some folks just plain don't care....But alot of folks just don't READ the threads & posts (that's a fact you can see just by looking at the number of threads that are started on the same exact topics!)....
Well, I'm happy you stayin'.....&....hope that you find your peace soon....
Feeling badly, for I can easily be included in the ranks of those who would appear to practice selective compassion...it's ironic, because Pat and I just had a discussion about this subject, and I was defensive and she was right.
I don't recall the post, I did hunt for it when I saw you'd been deleting, and was sorry because I do value your presence here, both because you write so well and because you are always very balanced. Perhaps this is because you've suffered, and perhaps that balance is one small gift to hold tight in a hand that is rigid with the pain of opening to let go...
I believe if I'd seen the post I'd have responded, but possibly not if I were busy or distracted and that is not something of which I'm proud.
The best I can do is to say I'm sorry, and that next time I'll do better.
