posted on July 12, 2002 07:24:07 PM new
My father is moving into an assisted living home on Monday. We have taken tours and this place looks like a 5 star hotel. It's gorgeous. My problem is "Am I doing the right thing by convincing him to go there?" He has lived alone for many years and suffers from chronic back pain (broke his back in '69 and has had 4 operations and numerous procedures), and depression. He takes morphine for the pain and Elavil for the depression. He can't live with me. Why??? Well my father is a very opinionated man, stubborn and hard headed. He and my fiance would never get along. My fiance is a very easy going man and my father is very judgemental of people. He has alienated most of his friends because they did or said something he didn't like. He also smokes and has absolutely no respect for other peoples property. On the other hand, he's very soft hearted when it comes to animals and children. I want so much for him to like it there but I'm so worried. I've told him that if he doesn't like it he can leave but please give it a chance. He will be sharing an apartment with another man. There's a lot more to this story that I won't go into but I need opinions, advice or just plain old useful information. Any comments??? Barbara
posted on July 12, 2002 07:35:14 PM new
If you want to live your own life without a constant bitter and electric silence because everyone is afraid to say anything and have everything in your house including you stink of smoke and have little holes burned in - yes you are doing the right thing.
You are also probably preserving your relationship with this easy going man unless he is infinately patient. Preserving your own health 10 or 15 years down the road from the second hand smoke and avoiding setting yourself up as a full time caretaker by putting this man where he has help suitable to his health that will obviously decline.
On the other hand why should you be happy when so many prefer the hag of guilt to ride on their back?
My wife and I have been taking care of her 76 year old mother with Alzheimer's for over two years and although we have a good marraige of
29 years it has strained our marraige and individual mental health, finances and physical household to the limit. And she is a basically good natured person! I can't imaigine if she were difficult.
Count yourself fortunate you can afford the nice assisted living home. We do not have enough income free to add to the MIL's SS to get in a decent assisted living place and the other 3 children all refused to kick in a lousy $200 a month to take care of their Mother. All of them have big houses with extra bedrooms and baths and she is here with us in a little two bedroom one bath condo because they are cheap and selfish.
Now she has deteriorated to the point she could not go in an assisted living but she could have for those two years. She will be in a nursoing home soon and believe me the transition from an assisted place would be easier.
barbkeith: Sometimes older folks decide they like the lifestyle! It is essential tho' his roommate is another smoker. They probably figured that out already.
posted on July 12, 2002 08:35:58 PM new
I don't understand why you are worried, Barbkeith. Your decision seems to make a lot of common sense. Do you know something negative about the place that you haven't mentioned in your post?
If not, just focus on doing what you can to try to make it work. It makes no sense to worry about something that may never be a problem. If it becomes a problem, worry then as you consider other options.
posted on July 12, 2002 08:43:59 PM new
I don't hate people that smoke NYCYN but I am asthmatic like your kid and can't bend an inch on the smoke itself because if I accommadate them to be "nice" in about 3 hours I will have a horrific asthmatic attack.
I know it is hard but if you can stop it is like taking a pebble out of your shoe on a long hike. One less thing making life harder.
I also just heard what they gouge you New Yorkers for a pack. My Mom ran through 3 pack a day of PallMalls That would be a bit more than $600 a month now at single pack price.
I'd hate for you to be like me later in life. I could not visit my Mom because just being in here house for 20 minutes would make me sick. We had to meet at my aunts and it was awkward. Watching her die of cancer was not fun either. Right now I am waiting to find out about the Cat scan I had Tues. to find out if the big opacity on my lung is the same thing. It has me shall we say a little nervous? My mom and dad smoked around me my whole childhood although I was asthmatic. A little gift I didn't need.
And as for the one of the three sons - he is such a slime ball I would gladly take a chance on his marksmanship if they still let us duel for the priviledge of putting a ball between his beady little eyes.
posted on July 12, 2002 08:52:58 PM new
Barb, from the info you've given, it sounds like the best thing for all of you.
Gravid, I hope all is OK with your CAT scan. I quit smoking over a year ago, and it has made a difference in my health. You have the right to an informed opinion -Harlan Ellison
posted on July 12, 2002 09:01:14 PM new
Shouldn't bother you folks with it. The one doc says oh yeah tumor. The other says it looks like arthritis (which I have pretty much everywhere) in the overlaying ribs. Can't really tell from a flat x-ray. It's interesting going in the big tube for the CAT. Had a NMR a while ago also for my knee.
posted on July 12, 2002 09:09:39 PM new
>>I don't hate people that smoke NYCYN but I am asthmatic like your kid and can't bend an inch on the smoke itself because if I accommadate them to be "nice" in about 3 hours I will have a horrific asthmatic attack.<<
I'm sorry to hear that and I understand very well.
Nobody in my "blood" relatives, has asthma tho'. So much for that post.
posted on July 12, 2002 09:22:03 PM new
Sounds more like they are too exalted for you nycyn. Sorry. You can't pick your relatives.
I have not seen mine from the South in years.
posted on July 12, 2002 09:38:41 PM new
If the place is as nice as you say, insist he go there. Explain to him politely but firmly that he can not stay with you. That would not be fair to you and especially to your fiancee. You should weigh your father's slight inconvenience (if any) vs. your own happiness. Your fiancee would have to be nuts to marry you on those terms.
posted on July 12, 2002 09:45:25 PM new
Your dad might just love it at that other place. If he has a roomie, then he and the other guy will bond...a guy thing, so to speak. Think positive thoughts.
Gravid, keep us posted about the cat scan. Hope all goes well, buddy.
posted on July 12, 2002 10:03:42 PM new
I agree--sounds like you *are* doing the best for all involved.
One thing, though. For your own peace of mind, and your father's welfare, stay involved. Drop by regularly. Let the people running the place know that you are actively concerned with his treatment and accomodations there. Be aware of his physical condition and belongings. Do this, and you & your dad will certainly be happy.
I speak from experience--no matter how good or ritzy such a facility may be, they still need an eye kept on them.
posted on July 12, 2002 11:24:53 PM new
I have seen a major amount of employee turnover in the nursing home industry, A person should always make it a point ot get the names of those caring for relatives and in the case of relatives who no longer have their faculties be very aware of when a worker leaves.
Need an example ?
How about the nurses aids being told to bring down someones temperature and then forgetting to remove the ice packs of marks that there were ice packs at the end of their shift.
How about intensive care nurses refusing to give pain killer with a potassium iv because the patient already had one and then relatives finding the full needle under the patient.
How about nurses and or techs wheeling a cancer patient to radiation therapy and afterwards no one fills in the chart so the treatment is doubled poisoning the patient?
How about the classic administering the wrong blood type.
posted on July 13, 2002 04:14:19 AM new
Thanks everyone for your posts. He is going to a place called "Elderwood". At the contract agreement they let me know that if anything happens I will be contacted. What I didn't say in my original post is that he has a dog who will be coming to live with me. We already have 2 dogs and 4 cats. This dog has been with my dad since he was a puppy and will not leave my father's side. I'm going to find out if there is a park in the area so when I visit I can take "Ralph" with me. As far as the smoking, there is a smoking area on the 3rd floor or he can go outside. He is not allowed to smoke in his room. I think that once he gets settled and starts eating right and realizes how many channels he can get with satellite tv he just may like it there. Nurses dispense the medication in a lounge type atmosphere. It looks nothing like a nursing home. After reading all your posts I feel better about my decision. Thanks! Barbara
posted on July 13, 2002 07:50:59 AM new
Gravid: Good point about the Eskimos!
Re--Is it a tumor or something else? Back in the olden days, around the time of Three Mile Island (and what was that flick?) when "radiation" was a common household word, I hurt my ankle and required an x-ray.
So I'm at the HIP center and the physician informs me he sees something and I need to have a bone scan to rule out whether it was "an old injury or a tumor." He had no time for questions and made that statement flatter than he probably told waitresses "with milk." He wrote an Rx for the procedure and left. Then I had to wait two weeks.
Two weeks. Around 21 and alone, and already high-strung. The most agonizing two weeks in my life to date. Gawd, it was awful.
The morning of the procedure was a torture crescendo. I'm informed that they need to inject a little bit of radioactive isotopes into my veins, then in three hours I'll have the scan. In she comes with a syringe in a lead container. Unfortunately, I never was a fainter. "I'm getting shot up with radiation." Compared to how I felt about this made the Wicked Witch seem like an enthusiastic swimmer. Not to mention how I felt about possibly having the Big C.
(Sometimes when I start writing these vignettes I ask myseelf what the hell am I doing then decide I've already come this far so I might as well continue.)
Three hours. I was so agitated I walked over to psych and begged them to give me a valium or something.
Three hours. Word of the young wretch must have made its way around the entire lab, because a few minutes after I got off of the table, and am back in my clothes, a middle-aged Saint-of-a-man pops out of there and tells me I don't have a tumor, that I have "osteochondritis dissecans" which to this day I have not cared chit about, or have been bothered by. All that mattered was that that was Not Cancer.
Bless him, wherever he is. Imagine if they came back with the pat "only your doctor can give you your results"?
Ultimate point being, Gravid, is that I think I can relate a little to your anxiety. This waiting must be awful. You sure as hell having been bringing a great deal of dignity to the occassion.
(I have a marvelous, intelligent, even humorous book I'd like to send you. No angels, herbs, or crrystals--promise! Please email me a mailing address if you care to)
posted on July 13, 2002 08:02:59 AM new
Thanks if you tell me the book I can probably get it here - our library is super at getting anything you want. You can mail me at
[email protected] if you want.
Went to the doc's office but they would not tell me anything. Have to see him Mon. he was not in.
[ edited by gravid on Jul 13, 2002 08:03 AM ]
posted on July 13, 2002 08:25:12 AM new
Will take a look for it because I am taking The Beans of Eygpt Maine by Chute back because it is not worth finishing and picking up Diplamatic Immunity by Bujold I have been waiting a turn at.
First time they ever did that with me. Normally they leave the results on the machine. If its a big stinking tumor - well we all die sometime. Some of harbor hopes of being shot dead at 90 by a furious boyfriend of a young lady, but few attain it. It would confer a sort of freedom. I can do anything I like and nobody can threaten to put my butt in prison to rot for years. The presidents of the big tobacco companies better watch out. I might decide to make my exit a statement.
Yes, you are definitely doing the right thing. Don't be surprised if he gripes about it all. In truth he will enjoy himself. I have a friend who has a relative in an assisted living place here. The relative complains all of the time about the stupid games they play and other things they do but she always has to be back in time for it all if she is taken for an outing.
Bunnicula is right, though, no matter how good the place is and no matter whether they say they will notify you if something happens. CHECK YOURSELF. Visit regularly and look him over which I'm sure you are planning to do anyway. I hope they let you bring Ralph to visit indoors. Everyone will enjoy that and your father will gain in stature to the others.
Enjoy your life.
Calamity
p.s. gravid, I hope everything turns out well for you.
posted on July 13, 2002 09:17:35 AM new
True I am a devious evil old fart and am going straight to hell - but I wish I had not interjected so much off topic stuff in this persons thread - they have their own significant troubles.
I will say one more thing to Barb.
Doing what is good for yourself is not selfish. You are not abandoning your father to a unhappy life. I can see that taking him in your home would almost guarenteee everyone involved being unhappy. You are doing right.
Sometimes what people want is not what is good for them. Often in fact.
Re: The Eygptian. How easy to say now that he is here! None of them have the nerve for really ugly final solutions. Don't know if I should be happy or sad for that.
[ edited by gravid on Jul 13, 2002 09:29 AM ]
posted on July 13, 2002 12:34:54 PM new
>>but I wish I had not interjected so much off topic stuff in this persons thread - they have their own significant troubles.<<
posted on July 15, 2002 03:38:29 AM new
Well, today is the big day. Already I have heard from my father that he's not going to stay there long. As far as the financial part, he qualifies through Medicaid. If he didn't there's no way we could afford it. You see, his house burned down about a 1 1/2years ago and since then he's been living like a gypsy. Right now he has no electricity and no running water. The property he lives on belongs to my mother (they are divorced) and he has turned it into what looks like a junkyard. Thank goodness you can't see it from the road. Once he gets settled then I have to worry about finding someone to clean it up. At one point there were 3 riding mowers, 5 push mowers, 2 trucks, 4 tv's, etc. Get the picture? He would go to auctions and spend his money on junk and say he was going to fix them. He never did. Instead of picking up his tools and putting them away he would just buy more. When he got his check on the 3rd of the month he would be broke in a couple of weeks and then borrow money from me and my mother. She can't afford it and I've told her to tell him no. She pays almost $500.00 a month on medicine, he gets his through the state. He wouldn't wash his clothes, he would just go to the thrift store and buy more. It's costing me just to get him up there. I bought him a TV/VCR combo yesterday because he didn't have a TV to put in his room. His allowance from Medicaid will be $103.00 per month for his necessities. I just pray once he gets settled he likes it. I could write a book. Wish me luck!!!! Barbara
posted on July 15, 2002 04:55:08 AM new
Your state must be a lot more liberal than ours with medicaid. Here it takes about $1600 a month minimum to get in the door of an assisted living place. There is a nice one a couple blocks from us that is $3600 a month.
We could not get anything from mediaid for her unless she needed a nursing home which will be soon.
She woke my wife up at 5 o'Clock this morning babbling some nonesense with a blouse on inside out and her bra on top of the blouse and pantyhose and a nightgown on - wanting to go out the door.
Thanks for the well wishes.
posted on July 15, 2002 07:34:41 AM new
>>he qualifies through Medicaid<<
I once worked in an ER. It was referred to as "The Gold Card." e.g. Some whining junkie ("it's time for my methadone!!) with a sore foot could demand an ambulette (oh, $175.00 was the going rate, I believe) to get him home four blocks away, and then we'd be scratching our heads trying to figure out how to get an elderly woman, barely able to walk, back to her home in Queens. Her crime? Receiving a pittance of a pension after working 35 years as a seamstress. She had only Medicare.
posted on July 15, 2002 08:00:36 AM newgravid
Best of Luck to you. Remember ~ the grumpier you are, the longer God lets you live
Barb
My uncle was the picture of health up until a year ago. He's 93 now, with the body of a 60 YO man, only exception being his vision in one eye and the startings of memory loss. It took us ages to get his driver's license taken away from all of the accidents he caused but that's another story.
He just went into an assisted living facility because he has a tendency to get dehydrated and started to fall down. He is grumpy, angry, and mean but we love him like crazy. His favorite line is "you'll piss on my grave", since he gave up cigars, his worst habit is "pinching" women and children. He has alienated or outlived anyone that he could have considered to be a friend. Given the choice, this is not a man you would befriend.
Guess what?
He loves his new home! Country club living ~ all kinds of activites and bus transportation for outings. The women are crazy for him (he's outlived all of the competition, I guess). His meals are taken care of, they shave him and generally keep an eye on him. He doesn't have much of an "apartment, really just a room with space for a bed, dresser, and TV. Get this: He has to "dress" for dinner ~ in a jacket! He didn't like the idea of any of it, swearing he'd be back in a few weeks.
Ya know what? I had never actually seen this man "happy", but he is! He has the best quality of life he has ever had.
As long as you know your dad is safe and well cared for, find peace in your decision.
{{{Best of luck to you today}}}
posted on July 15, 2002 10:25:15 AM new
Barb, You are doing the right thing. I think the others may beright and he will love it there. I too have stories of little old men that go to those places and become the "belle of the ball" since there are so few men the ladies really cater to the men.
Gravid, please let us know what the doctor says. I just read this thread and am sorry I didn't read it sooner. I hope all is well.
