posted on August 21, 2003 10:57:36 AM new
Free to a good home: TAGLINES..
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Get the last word in: Apologize.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . .. not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?
1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Men are like ... Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like ... Cement
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... Blenders
You think that you need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Coolers
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like ... Copiers
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like ... Curling Irons
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like ... Government Bonds
They take so long to mature.
Men are like ... High Heels
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like ... Horoscopes
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like ... Lawn Mowers
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like ... Laxatives
They irritate the #*!@ out of you.
Men are like ...Linoleum
Lay it right the first time and you can walk all over it for years
Men are like ... Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Mini Skirts
If you're not careful they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like ... Noodles
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Men are like ... Parking Spots
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.
Men are like ... Weather
Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Plungers
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like ... Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ... Placemats
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like ... Snowstorms
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.
Men are like ... Used Cars
Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like ... Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.
1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" (seen on Cape Cod)
2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)
3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
4. "Procrastinate Now"
5. "Rehab Is for Quitters"
6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"
8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby size shirt)
9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15"
10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"
11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names"
12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software"
13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"
14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"
16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - BAN COUNTRY MUSIC!"
18. MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose"
19. "They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"
20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
21. "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog"
22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."
23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"
25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."
26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it."
27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"
32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith and Wesson."
34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"
35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
36. "My truck does not leak, it's marking it's territory."
37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team."
38. "NyQuil-The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."
39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
40. "My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God, and I didn't."
41. Librarians are novel lovers
42. Offer me chocolate. I might.
43. Old truckers never die. They just get new Peterbilts.
I just lost 150 pounds of useless fat. I divorced him!
Bad Spellers of the World UNTIE !!!
The next war won't decide who's right but who's left
Don't Drink and Drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink."
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush our hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
posted on August 23, 2003 11:37:24 AM new
Women are like fish because ...
* ... a little butter and a light cream sauce...Mwahh!! (kisses fingers chef style).
* ... their lips move all the time, yet nothing of note ever comes out.
* ... they're both way to much effort to bone.
* ... they respond the same way when you dangle shiny stuff in front of them, with the same results.
* ... they're just as smart, and just as plentiful.
