posted on October 12, 2000 05:49:34 PM new
If you want to help her for the rest of her life (not just out of this scrape) you have to set limits from the beginning. It wouldn't be a bad idea to give her a time limit that you will let her live there. After that she goes to her own place. Maybe to help teach her to pay bills first you could have her pay you from the day she moves in, in advance for the first week, etc. Then a portion of that could be set aside for her new place. She can know that plan and yet not have access to the money. She will learn how to watch the money grow as she learns how to live without frivolous things. Good luck, and pray doesn't hurt any either!
posted on October 12, 2000 05:53:59 PM new
lol Muriel
I'll behave.
Maui, I'll get a bike. Don't worry. OK?
I'm just still pissed it was stolen. Fine if something is stolen from me, it has happened and I know it's part of life, I even think sometimes, they must have really needed that coat or whatever. It is just stealing from kids!!!!!! I can't get over that.
posted on October 12, 2000 05:58:56 PM new
No matter what you decide Muriel, I'm glad your Grandson has you. Sometimes (very seldom) people never grow up and the kids pay for it in spades. I see that you are decided on her moving in, so let your husband lay some laws and don't allow yourself to question them ok?
posted on October 12, 2000 05:59:16 PM new
My husband just called and said that he would be coming home just for Saturday and wondered if my daughter could stay with her mother-in-law this weekend rather than coming here. She won't be moving here permanently until the week after next. Anyway, I called her and told her that hubby and I wanted to be alone this weekend and celebrate our anniversary, and she said "Ok, no problem!". So that means I get the weekend alone with hubby. Probably the last one for a long time.
posted on October 12, 2000 06:05:28 PM newthe thrill of working?
Totally new concept.
Buy her a one-way ticket to North Carolina if you feel that you MUST do something, Muriel, let her chose the city. If she has a lot of stuff help her get it to the bus.
posted on October 12, 2000 06:18:37 PM new
krs - Your thoughts are very tempting!
When she was 17 I found out she was planning to quit school - as if she ever went - and hop a Greyhound to Virginia. So I threw all of her stuff into two garbage bags and put them out in the driveway. Know what she was most angry about? That I kept the make-up I had bought her at the supermarket the day before. It was HER make-up and she wanted it!! See, this has been going on a long time. She was a nightmare of a teenager. I feel like I've put in my time with her. She's a sweet kid with a big heart, but just will NOT grow up.
posted on October 12, 2000 06:27:14 PM new
I think the best thing you can do is one of your own ideas - get yourself and your husband into counseling NOW so you can figure out how you each feel about different aspects of this - um, situation (I was going to say "impending disaster" but didn't want to be called "unkind" BEFORE you're stuck in the middle of it. Sure, you and DH could talk it out on your own, but as your posting here in the first place indicates, it's useful to have another uninvolved voice asking questions you might want to avoid and providing suggestions you might not think of.
You might also ask yourselves why you're taking her back into your home at all. Yes, yes, she's your daughter, but that doesn't mean you have to turn YOUR lives inside out. Find her a furnished apartment and pay her "turnkey" expenses - after which she's on her own, cajoling phone calls aside. If you're worried about grandson starving, drop off a sack of groceries once a week.
posted on October 12, 2000 06:30:53 PM new
Then there is your answer staring you in the face Muriel. Tell her NO. You did your thing, shes 28 years old and now you want to spend time with your husband. Thats all it will take. A firm NO.
posted on October 12, 2000 06:34:10 PM new
HCQ - the reason I'm posting all this is because today that very thought came to me and hit me like a ton of bricks! WHY did I agree to let her come here?? What was I thinking??? I felt sorry for her, I guess, and I let my heart get in the way of my head. Plus, that little blond haired boy that calls me "Meemaw" pulled on my heartstrings. I have an appointment with a counselor for next Wednesday. I really think SHE could benefit from the counseling as much as I could. We might make this a joint session.
Now that you've posted, the only other county not heard from is Barris County. Where are you, Barry?
posted on October 12, 2000 06:36:41 PM new
Maui - I already said she could move in. I also got her an attorney. We're already in the thick of it. I can't tell her "no" now. BUT - if she starts screwing up and making long distance phone calls, etc. it may be another story!
I married into one of these kids. You may have seen me refer to the stepdaughter form hell?
She did have a somewhat difficult childhood as a result of a divorce and she learned to play her mother like a fiddle.
When I cme into this she ddidn't live here, but the place was crammed with her stuff so badly that it wasn't easy to even walk through any room. She was in maui.
To make room for me, as we had to live in this house for my wife's commuting problem from mine (160 miles RT). I put all of her stuff into storage. When she inevitably came back expecting that she could move back in as before, she went ballistic. She went higher when her mother would no longer pay for her whims. It almost split her mother and I.
Now though, she's 33, has a very good high five figures job in a tech related company and is scheduled to be married for the first time.
This whole thing started when she was 27, and she would not have been likely to ever fend for herself had she not gotten a swift and very shocking kick in the ass.
posted on October 12, 2000 06:53:56 PM new
Muriel, if you do let her move in, you could put that long-distance block on your phone and buy YOURSELF some phone cards, and keep them in your purse.
Both my sister and I moved back home - different times - after we got divorced. I was less responsible than my sister. So let me tell you what my folks did that helped me:
My parents set the "ground rules" the morning after I moved in with my son. I was expected to keep our rooms clean, do our own laundry, do a fair share of the cooking (set schedule) and dish washing. My mother agreed to babysit free for those times I was actually looking for a job; any other times, I was to pay her the going rate for babysitting.
After our "group meeting," my dad drove me to the welfare department, where I signed up. One of the questions was whether I was paying rent - my dad piped up and said "yes, I was going to be paying $XXX" (this hadn't been discussed earlier, but it apparently made a difference in the amount I would receive), and I did indeed pay that rent the 3 months I was living there.
After the Welfare Department, my dad drove me to the Unemployment Office, where I signed up (at the time they had a special program for mothers - they paid half the salary while the mother was in "training" at the job; you might want to see if your city has something similar, because the available jobs are better than waitress work).
I wasn't expected to buy groceries, though I was expected to pay part of the utilities. Because I didn't have a car, my parents let me borrow second car to look for work - if it got below half a tank, I was expected to fill it. (They put me on their car insurance, which I didn't have to pay for.)
Most importantly, we agreed on a set time limit for how long I would live there, which forced me to actually do something to get on with my life.
posted on October 12, 2000 06:54:47 PM newthe only other county not heard from is Barris County. Where are you, Barry?
Right here, reading everyone's ideas. Many are very good ideas.
There are no easy solutions or answers.
I have a friend who I have been helping financially. $4000 in the past 4 months. Made a few tough decisions. I called the bank and said I'm not making any more payments, repossess the car. I called the electric company, every month there is another final disconnect notice, don't send them to me, I'm not paying another one.
Like I said it's not easy. But it had to be done. He is sinking and started to drown me in the process.
You will find the right thing to do, it may take some time, but you will find the right thing to do...
posted on October 12, 2000 07:18:50 PM new
Muriel,
She is 28 years old and needs to be on her own. As you stated she always takes advantage and certainly will upon moving in. Probably won't move out until someone new steps up to take care of her.
I suggest you tell her that you will provide rent for a small place close to yours but she has to pay her own bills etc. You can offer to babysit to help with costs and provide for your grandchild as it is not her fault.
However I strongly suggest you do not allow your daughter to move back in. She is 28 and is who she is - her character is not going to improve unless she is forced to change and that starts with understanding her own problems. From your posts she is not close.
I feel sorry for you for the decision you must make but I truly believe it would be in her best interests if you did not allow her to move in with you.
posted on October 12, 2000 07:33:41 PM new
Oh my word, Muriel, my daughter has a twin! How did you wind up with her??? The only thing I haven't read in yours is the propensity in mine to abuse my adorable 4 year old grandson verbally, emotionally and physically. I can tell you horror stories about years of emotionally draining terror she has dumped on me from the time her hormones kicked in, but don't want to frighten you. However, when you need a shoulder, or just need to #*!@, (it does help) e-amil me here at AW. I empathize.
Edited cuz look at the way Bitc** showed up!
[ edited by ktsclutter on Oct 12, 2000 07:35 PM ]
posted on October 12, 2000 08:48:31 PM newMuriel: well, one more on the bandwagon Maybe some didn't like the way DrTrooth worded it, but he/she was correct. Tough love is the way to go.
Maybe some didn't like the way DrTrooth worded it, but he/she was correct. Tough love is the way to go.