shellsputer
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posted on January 29, 2001 03:47:15 PM new
Hi! Got this in my email today, and wanted to share. 
For those who already have children passed this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...
(HONEST AND NO KIDDING):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and a Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.
22. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
OK, come on Moms and Dads, let's continue the list. I'll start with #23
23. Peeing in short spurts on the wall heater makes a really cool hissing noise which produces hysterical fits of laughter and shouts of,"Do it AGAIN, Do it AGAIN!!!".
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saljo63
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posted on January 29, 2001 04:12:44 PM new
#24-When a 2 year old tells you they have a Barbie up their nose, don't say-"No you don't! Go play!" It may not be a Barbie...but there is something up there!
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debtrek
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posted on January 29, 2001 04:33:40 PM new
#25-when your daughter tells your son to lie down like a patient and she'll "pretend" to feed him a "pill" that looks suspiciously like a large pebble...
DON'T BELIEVE HER...
and have some buttered bread ready to soothe him when he runs into the house crying that he's swallowed a ROCK!
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rancher24
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posted on January 29, 2001 05:20:13 PM new
#26 - Calling 911 because Dad is winning the video game is NOT a good idea!....
Unfortunately, true....luckily we got a call back from the police BEFORE they dispatched the SWAT team!....
~ Rancher
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Kaffro
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posted on January 29, 2001 05:44:09 PM new
#27 - Cats DO NOT like their teeth brushed!
Kaffro 
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inside
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posted on January 29, 2001 05:57:37 PM new
#28 Childproof caps are not childproof.
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roxw
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posted on January 29, 2001 06:11:33 PM new
#29 Jewelry should never be stored by a toilet- it's too much fun for a 2 year old to make "splashes" with them! (true story!)
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ddicffe
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posted on January 29, 2001 06:17:35 PM new
#30:6 year olds can use thier sisters dirty diapers to make interesting handprints on the walls.
#31: It is more fun to play hide-n-seek with your children when you know your playing hide-n-seek.
#32: The police, fire and ambulance corps will come when the 4 year old hits all three alarms on your ADT system!
In the begining, God created the heavens and the earth.
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looney2ns
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posted on January 29, 2001 06:33:37 PM new
#33 two year olds in umbrella strollers can shop lift a lapful of things from the bottom shelves of stores in the mall.
#34 cats do not like getting covered with transmission fluid and then being covered with sand.
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inside
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posted on January 29, 2001 06:38:11 PM new
#35 Vets can diagnos ring-worms on pets and children in the same visit.
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kitsch1
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posted on January 29, 2001 07:15:36 PM new
36. Kids will call you on a little white lie while you're telling it to your Mother in Law
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xardon
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posted on January 29, 2001 08:28:12 PM new
#37 - That phone bill charge for a 30 minute call to Sri Lanka may not be a mistake.
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december3
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posted on January 29, 2001 08:52:25 PM new
#38 Dogs do not look good in makeup.
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Kaffro
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posted on January 29, 2001 09:18:55 PM new
#39 - The words "Peeeeuuuu Mommy, you stink" will bring about snorts and snickers in a CROWDED bathroom in Wal-Mart!
Kaffro
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shellsputer
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posted on January 30, 2001 04:29:18 PM new
#40: A 2 year old can stick a good portion of a foam pingpong paddle up both nostrils. (Keep in mind that once it gets to the sinus cavity, it expands again!)
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Shadowcat
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posted on January 30, 2001 04:38:48 PM new
#41: A roll of stamps almost, but not completely, covers a 15 pound cat.
#42: Crayons do not digest but they do add a nice color to the intestinal byproduct.
#43: It's easier to move furniture in front of the outlets than to keep reinserting those "childproof" covers removed by chubby little fingers.
#44: Do not distract the child if he gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. He may think the bathroom is wherever he stops.
#45: The time segment between "I'm gonna be sick" and the time the kid barfs has not been discovered yet, it's so small.
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bearmom
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posted on January 30, 2001 04:47:28 PM new
46. Cats do not go down the toilet willingly.
47. For the older child-'Mom, do you have comprehensive on your car?' is not a question asked from a desire for knowledge.
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bearmom
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posted on January 30, 2001 04:50:30 PM new
Nearly forgot!
48. Little brother's diaper is NOT a good place to store one's earthworms.
49. Two small boys, 1 can of paint, one doghouse=1 blue spaniel.
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Shadowcat
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posted on January 30, 2001 05:08:11 PM new
#50: Just because you took the key from the ignition doesn't mean the kid can't start the car(this one wasn't me. It was my sister. I TOLD her not to leave the kitten alone in the car. As she was assuring me that nothing would happen, we heard the sound of her engine starting. We raced outside as the kitten rolled the car down the driveway. My sister threw herself into the open passenger window and yanked up the emergency brake).
#51: Tonka trucks can be destroyed in an hour when ridden repeatedly down the driveway by a 50 pound child.
#52: Dogs don't like sharing their meals or being used as "horsies".
#53: A 35 pound child and a 50+ pound dog can nap together in a large kennel(don't ask).
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ptimko
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posted on January 30, 2001 05:11:38 PM new
#54 Curious children will ask your balding male friends: "Why don't you have any hair?"
edited for spelling...
[ edited by ptimko on Jan 30, 2001 05:12 PM ]
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chepistar
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posted on January 31, 2001 05:39:29 PM new
#55 The nostrils of a five year old are the same size and shape as M&M's (plain not peanut). So much for melts in your mouth...
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bearmom
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posted on January 31, 2001 06:40:05 PM new
56. Boys should never leave the house without iodine and bandaids.
57. Green eye shadow will not wash off a Cabbage Patch doll. It will, however, rub off on everything the doll touches.
[ edited by bearmom on Jan 31, 2001 06:42 PM ]
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shellsputer
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posted on January 31, 2001 06:40:06 PM new
....."not in your nose"
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shellsputer
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posted on January 31, 2001 06:44:20 PM new
58: A chubbly little 3 year old index finger can slide quite easily into a 1/4 inch copper pipe (that's 5 feet long), right up to the last knuckle. It cannot, however, be removed without at least a half a bottle of dish soap.
[ edited by shellsputer on Jan 31, 2001 06:45 PM ]
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xlhgrl
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posted on January 31, 2001 06:54:43 PM new
Funny stuff, but I'm glad I have ferrets! Yes, they do cuddle on the couch with me and keep me company while I watch TV. No, they do not dribble orange juice.
[ edited by xlhgrl on Feb 5, 2001 03:02 PM ]
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bearmom
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posted on January 31, 2001 08:08:06 PM new
But do ferrets give you hugs and kisses, and cuddle up on the sofa with you to watch cartoons and dribble orange juice on the brocade?
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chepistar
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posted on February 1, 2001 06:01:36 AM new
#59 Coca Cola removes the stains left by cheap red lipstick. (on the kid and on the dog)
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nanastuff
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posted on February 1, 2001 07:16:52 AM new
A five yr. old DOES know that Kotex make GREAT bandages while playing cowboys and Indians (sorry..really embarrassing when you look outside and your grandchild is covered with Kotex pads and somehow not so embarrassing HERE!!lmao)
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chepistar
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posted on February 1, 2001 11:23:00 AM new
#60 Uh-Oh can mean anything from "Oops" to "call 911".
#61 If a four year old can read, he should be taught the even though that shiny red thing on the wall says PULL on the handle, you are not supposed to actually Pull It! (hence the #60)
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Shadowcat
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posted on February 1, 2001 03:49:29 PM new
#62: Silence is NOT golden.
#63: Little chubby fingers have a dexterity that would make concert pianists weep with envy.
#64: Children are able to hide things in another dimension that parents cannot access.
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