posted on September 4, 2001 10:13:21 AM new
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a
rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
posted on September 4, 2001 10:53:44 AM new
Oooooooookay, just understand I didn't cast the first stone.
Adam asks God , "I need a companion, someone to share my life with."
God says, "Well that's not a very clear description, tell me exactly what you're looking for."
Adam says, "I want someone that stands behind me in my decisions, always obedient, and always understanding, and submits to my sexual needs without fail."
God says, "That's a lot to ask for, that'll cost you an arm and a leg."
Adam reconsiders, "Ouch... that's too much. What can I get for a rib?"
posted on September 4, 2001 10:54:47 AM new
Barry, you may not get this (uh huh) but you are the one with the gorgeous sportscar and the great wheels!!
Uaruwhat is the one that has to do with creating the perfect woman...oh, I know God made Adam as a prototype first so that he could achieve perfection! the second time around! (silly grin)!!
posted on September 4, 2001 12:23:31 PM new
OK, so there's this guy in Los Angeles who has lead a perfectly righteous life. Seeing as how this is Los Angeles, this makes him especially unusual, and one day God decides to reward him.
"Thou art a righteous man," says God, "and I know that thou wouldst never ask for anything unrighteous. Therefore, whatever thou asketh of me I shall grant."
The man thinks for a few minutes and finally asks God to build him a highway between California and Hawaii, explaining how wonderful it would be to have an easy way to get to his favorite vacation spot on earth.
Well, God's a little disppointed, and explains to the man that this wasn't exactly the type of request he had in mind. Besides, explains God, the sheer logistics of granting such a request would be enormous, and there would be the impact to the environment to consider, and maintenance would be a continuing problem, etc., etc., etc.
The man listens to God and agrees that his request was probably not the best idea. After thinking a few more minutes, however, he comes up with a better idea. "I want to fully understand women," he says. "I want to understand why they think the way they do, and understand the logic behind their actions, so that I might become more compassionate toward them and become a better person in general."
God is silent for a few moments, and then asks, "did you want that highway with two lanes or four?"
Barry
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The opinions expressed above are for comparison purposes only. Your mileage may vary....
[typos...]
[ edited by godzillatemple on Sep 4, 2001 12:25 PM ]
posted on September 4, 2001 12:28:12 PM new
A guy is driving along a windy mountain road when he sees a beautiful woman in a convertible coming the opposite way. As they pass, the woman yells out "PIG!!!" In response, the man replies "B*TCH!!!"
Twenty seconds later, the man rounds the bend going 60mph and hits the pig that was standing in the middle of the road...
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The opinions expressed above are for comparison purposes only. Your mileage may vary....
posted on September 4, 2001 12:45:20 PM new
God visits the Garden of Eden one day and ask Eve how things are going.
"Just fine, Lord," says Eve. "Except for one thing..."
"What's that?" asks God.
"Well, Lord, it's these three boobs you gave me. The one in the middle pushes the other ones out to the side & they're always catching on things. Can you get rid of the middle one?"
"Of course!" says God. He reached out, plucked off the middle boob and threw it into the bushes before going on his way. A few days later he visited the Garden again to see how Eve was getting on.
"Everything's fine, Lord," said Eve "but there is one thing..."
"And what's that?"
"Well, Lord, I'm lonely. All the other animals have a mate. The bull has his cow, the ram has his ewe...everyone has someone but me! Can you do something about that, Lord?"
"Certainly!" replied God, looking about him. "Now what did I do with that worthless boob?"
edited to put "that" where it would do the most good.
[ edited by bunnicula on Sep 4, 2001 01:01 PM ]
posted on September 4, 2001 01:09:35 PM new
I think you had the third shortest, Spaz, when you were suspended because some troll took a name very similar to yours. I remember you were quite indignant even though you had been reinstated before you found out that you had been suspended.
posted on September 4, 2001 01:46:24 PM new
Funny, but I can't imagine spazmodeus getting suspended for anything. Did he used to be really mouthy or something?
posted on September 4, 2001 01:52:03 PM new
Three nuns are killed in a car crash and find themselves at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains to them that they must each answer one religious question to be granted admission into heaven.
To the first nun, he asks, "Who was the first man?"
The nun replies, "Adam."
"Welcome to Heaven!" St. Peter exclaims and allows her to enter.
To the second nun, he asks, "Who was the first woman?"
The nun replies, "Eve."
"Welcome to Heaven!" St. Peter exclaims and allows her to enter.
To the third nun, he asks, "What was the first thing Eve ever said to Adam?"
The nun thinks and ponders, not even having a clue what the answer is and says, "Wow, that's a HARD one."
"Welcome to Heaven!" St. Peter exclaims and allows her to enter.
posted on September 4, 2001 01:53:18 PM new
Now, now Irene, it wasn't that short. I recall it was of sufficient duration that I had to e-mail TPTB to point out that it was an impostor before my sentence was reversed.
Pond scum thread - 5 minutes. Of course, the same person got re-suspended again (for a longer period of time) in the same thread. That may be a record too - shortest time between re-instatement and suspension again. The latter might be a tie though (with Mivona).
posted on September 4, 2001 02:24:27 PM new
At the pearly gates St. Peter is checking in 3 couples.
To the first couple he confronts the man. "You've only loved booze your entire life, nothing meant anything to you except your booze, it was the only thing you worshipped, you even married a woman named Sherry because you loved booze so much. You are not welcome."
To the second couple he confronts the man, "You've only loved money your entire life, nothing meant anything to you except your money, it was the only thing you worshipped, you even married a woman named Penny because you loved money so much. You are not welcome."
As the third couple walks up to St. Peter the husband turns to his wife, "Fanny, I've got bad feeling that this isn't going to go well."
posted on September 4, 2001 11:27:40 PM newSpaz suspended? *gasp* I mean, it's not like he speaks his mind or anything...he's just a quiet guy who rarely says anything.
Love it!!
