posted on September 9, 2001 07:12:42 PM new
Hi i just needed someone to talk to about this so i can be objective to all details and make sure that it is the right thing to do.
I would love to adopt a baby girl but i want to make sure it is the right thing to do for me and for her.
I am 38 years old and own my own home. I work full time now and do ebay but if i adopt a baby i would quit work and stay home with the baby. Do you think i am too old to adopt one? I already have a son who just turned 20 but i would love to have a little girl. I need some opinions and advice cause i am really confused on how to make a wise decision.
Any comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated. And don't worry about hurting my feelings.
posted on September 9, 2001 08:19:29 PM new
Nothing like trying the shoes on first...
Find one to babysit every day and see if it's harder to keep up with a baby now than it was when you were 18. My 37 year old sister/new mother tells me it's exhausting. She's wishing she'd just waited for the grandchildren.
At least if you babysit one for a while, you'll be able to give it back if it doesn't work out well. And you'll be paid for it.
posted on September 9, 2001 09:26:59 PM new
38 too old? No way! My parents were 36 and 37 when they adopted me. They were excellent parents, the best I could have possibly hoped for. I've always felt very lucky to be their daughter.
Babies are exhausting at any age, but the way I see it, a 30-something adult is better equipped to deal with raising children than someone younger... more life experience, better judgement, and in your case you've been through it before and know the ropes.
Will you have enough income if you stay home with the baby? If there's someone else who will still be working outside the home that will help. That's a great choice to be an active stay-at-home parent and not adopt a child only to put her in daycare.
Mainly you need to follow your heart. If it's open to giving a home to a baby girl and if you can overcome any financial or other obstacles which may exist, go for it if you feel strongly that it's something you want to do.
posted on September 9, 2001 09:53:37 PM new
I had my first daughter at 29 and my second at 36. I am definately a better mother now than I was the first time around. Although I am busier, I now know what is really important ... and I now have the ability not to sweat the small stuff.
The first time around I was worried about looking like the perfect mother with the perfect child ... the right clothes, everything.
With the second child I know that love is the most important thing. It is far more important to spend that time holding and loving a little one than searching for just the right matching outfit.
In fact, yesterday I took the youngest to an outdoor dance in an outfit that didn't even match. The shorts were one bold print, the shirt another. She was so proud to have chosen her own outfit that off we went, my little Punky Brewster and I. Guess what? No one cared!
posted on September 9, 2001 10:16:20 PM new
Here are a few steps you should think about.
1. What your son thinks. How he will accept a sister. Note, I did not say adopted sister.
By law, she will become your daughter & his sister. Make your family part of the procedure.
2. Learn the adoption laws & process in the State you live in. In most States, adopted children can not be disinherited. Medical records are very important.
3. Are you willing to cut your ties with any part of you frends & family that are not able to accept the child, as part of your family.
4. Get a lawyer. They prevent court problems in the future.
5. Are you to old? NO.
We found the hard part of the adoption process was the case studies, before & after adoption. They came at all hours. day & night, without warning.
posted on September 9, 2001 10:31:55 PM new
I am wondering - if you decide to proceed, how long would it take before a baby is found for you (years?) and how much older might you be when that happens. I would imagine there is a much longer waiting list for babies than there are for older children.
We placed our name on the county adoption list 5yrs before our daughter was born.
we got her through Pvt. adoption.
5yrs later the County Welfare Dept. Called out of the blue, wanting to do a case study. 7 days later we had our son. That was ten years after we placed our name on the list.
posted on September 10, 2001 06:19:05 AM new
at 41, I went the Murphy Brown route - got myself out of a bad (and infertile) marriage and then became pregnant. I am now loving the life of a single mom - It was the best decision I ever made. My son is 22 months old, a bundle of energy, and keeps me hopping. I really believe I would not have had the patience to handle him as effectively during my younger (and more selfish) years. You are not too old - you are at a great age for motherhood. I think you'll find that a large percentage of your daughter's classmates will have parents in your age bracket, the trend these days is to start families later in life. Having a toddler makes me feel younger than I view many of my contemporaries to be. Many are sending their children off to college or are becoming grandparents.
Forgottenchild, it will be such an added blessing if you are in a position to be able to stay home with your daughter. What I wouldn't give to be able to spend full days with my son. However, if you are planning to increase your Ebay activity to provide all income, I think you will find that you won't be able to devote enough time to the business. The first months it may be a possibility, but once she starts crawling, you will have to be policing her movements constantly. The temptation to nap when she naps will be overwhelming. In reading your post, I get the impression that you are launching out solo on this endeavor?.. if so, you must carefully examine the financial side of things. The costs involved with the adoption process are high. Healthcare coverage is extremely important. Diapers and formula are not cheap. All of my son’s clothing and equipment was obtained from yardsales and Ebay. If there's a will, there's a way - but you must make sure that you will be able to provide for all her needs.
Best of luck - keep us posted on your decision.
Rosie
*There is no conclusive evidence that life is serious*
posted on September 10, 2001 07:12:20 AM new
Stockticker mentioned the length of time it may take to wait for an adoptable baby. If that's an issue for you, you might consider international adoption. China, for one, has lots of adoptable baby girls.
posted on September 10, 2001 08:04:03 AM new
You have to really want this baby or it won't work. I wanted to have another child after my son turned 17 I'm glad I didn't. Now I have a 18 month old Grandson from my oldest daughter who is 22. I take care of the baby while she is at work and it is no picnic LOL...I love him dearly but I am glad when she gets home from work. I was adopted at a late age. If I could have had a say into the matter I would have said NO to the couple that adopted me. (I won't get into my life here in this chat board) But I was a child and I had no rights. So if your going to adopt make sure you adopt an infant. And allways tell her you LOVE her as she is growing up. Never remind her over and over that she really isn't of your blood. Reminding her that she isn't of your blood can really hurt her.
posted on September 12, 2001 01:24:01 PM new
my wife was 40 when she gave birth to our twin babies (a boy and a girl). Are things harder? You bet, but with age, you get perspective. We are more patient, more loving then we probably would have been 18 years ago.
posted on September 12, 2001 01:40:30 PM new
We just adopted for the 5th time (a total of 8 kids in our house), at age 45.
Too old? not at all, as long as you are in reasonable health. One way to minimize stress is to try and adopt a older baby - one who might be already sleeping through the night (or a lot of it).
Length of time to adopt...it all depends. we've adopted in as few as 3 months, as long as 3 years. The more flexible you are, the shorter the time. Girls, in general, are more in demand, and less available, so the wait will be longer. Many adoption agencies won't let you ask for "just a girl". Exceptions, as pointed out above, are countries like China that discourage girls.
You can minimize your waiting time by being flexible about gender, age, race, location, physical conditions, etc. If you were willing to take, say, a non-white baby boy with some possible medical conditions, you'd have a child about as fast as you can fill out the paperwork, and you'd get a subsidy to boot.
Do a lot of research. Surf the net. Ask people who have adopted. Find a good social worker/lawyer to work with. Don't rush into it...but once you do decide, have an iron will. For something that should be "cheap and easy" to encourage it, it tends to be "slow and painful". Foolish 16 year old teenagers can have a kid merely by having access to the back seat of a chevy, but mature, responsible adults have to prove to the world that they deserve the opportunity. Go figure.
As far as asking the son....that's an interesting question. Most kids that age are soon to be gone, if not gone already, and it would be hard in that case to give him much weight in your decision. To be perfectly honest, if he's against it...that may be *his* problem. Adoption is the right thing to do, in general, and if you feel its the right thing to do, do your best to consider your son/family, but then go for it.
Just be sure this is truly a need on your part to adopt a baby, not just a need to "fill the nest" with another child. Not trying to be harsh, but i've seen people adopt who shouldn't have. If that might be the case, consider foster care, volunteer work, or even taking kids from other parents for short-term respite during family problems.
Good luck in your decision! Hope this helps, i'll check back later.
posted on September 12, 2001 03:02:12 PM new
Adopted first child at age 37 after years of effort and lots of money to do it both the old-fashioned way (sex) and the modern way (in vitro fertilization x6).
I loved it from Moment One and have never regretted it since. Sometimes I feel like I might not have the energy of younger parents, but at the same time I KNOW I have far more patience than I would have when younger. Too, I'm financially secure enough that I don't have to worry about where the next meal will come from.
DO talk the matter over with your son and take his feelings into consideration. However, do NOT allow his feelings to dissuade you. It's YOUR life.
Best of luck in your decision.
CaptainKirk, are you sure that you're not confusing children with Tribbles?
Hey, if we didn't do all this, our life would have been boring. We've had the experience of flying rickety planes into mountain-top airports in a third world country suffering a civil war; renting cars in Miami back when that was an open invitation to carjacking; rearranging our life with 24 hours notice; collecting mountains of documents, including testimonials from the FBI, state police, local police, friends, doctors, and ministers; and dealing with our own families who couldn't possibly understand why we'd give up the "good life" (good salary to lavish on only two kids) to adopt "black kids".
Wouldn't trade it for the world.
PS - you think we're crazy...our neighbors are up to 20 kids. Not all of them still live at home - only 12 of them. Once you give up any pretension that you have an ounce of control over your own life, its amazing what you can accomplish...
posted on September 13, 2001 07:19:27 AM new
Hi just wanted to come here and thank you all so much for the advice.
With the tragedy that is going on it just didn't feel right posting to this with a lot of people losing their loved ones. All of my family lives right next to a major military base several states away from me so i just pray no more happens with this.I just couldn't imagine losing them.
My son would have no problem with a brother or sister since he is an only child and is mostly already on his own.
My husband has a great job so i wouldn't be depending on ebay which i don't now. I just like doing it.
Boy or girl really doesn't matter i just always wanted a little girl after i had my son but it really wouldn't matter.
I was just thinking about the babies that were on the plane and then all the children that lost their parents in this horrible tragedy and it just breaks my heart.
I hope you are all safe and for those of you that have lost loved ones or ones that are missing i just want you to know my prayers are with all of you!
