posted on September 1, 2002 05:06:27 PM new
I go back to work Tuesday. My "vacation" is over. Last night I had a nightmare, that They assembled and called me into a meeting and decided I'm not fit for the job anymore and want me out or transferred or something, yada yada.
Not likely, but I gotta tell ya that I know I have not been looked at the same (or even with worry) since my PTSD related incident/symptom toward The Boss outside of the workplace but with definite implications. And there is no where in this system where I can Start Over. Work in a system long enough and there is no more than 3 "degrees of seperation" even if one is miles away. This tortures me really. And it shouldn't.
I brought as much humor to the occassion as I could, but I'm losing my sense of it now.
Some of you have followed this saga (I don't care to retell it.)
I have so much more, earned, empathy now for cops, army personnel, etc. than ever because of my own experience. Because it is true, as it is stated in the following link, that if you evidence any sign of loss of absolute and total control, that's it, no matter how healed or super-competent, etc. one will always bear The Mark.
It's very sad. And terribly lonely. For example, I'm the same person I've always been, mostly, yet the Superiors with whom I used to giggle with behind closed doors, and other colleagues, are now afraid of me, like they'll either catch something from me or hurt their careers by association.
But I'm tougher and base-line more irreverant than other people that work for the gov't and it's agencies so I like to think I'll somehow weather this.
So, guys like this, what are their options, really?
posted on September 1, 2002 06:55:42 PM new I have so much more, earned, empathy now for cops, army personnel, etc. than ever because of my own experience. Because it is true, as it is stated in the following link, that if you evidence any sign of loss of absolute and total control, that's it, no matter how healed or super-competent, etc. one will always bear The Mark.
I don't think that post traumatic stress disorder should be seen as a shameful stigma. The people who should "bear the mark" are those responsible for the war. The Bush administration should "bear the mark"
The Army is investigating the problem at Fort Bragg now but I doubt that it will be resolved soon. After you take a young fellow and screw his mind up it takes years to correct the problem. Screening soldiers before they leave Afghanistan is too little too late in my opinion.
posted on September 1, 2002 07:31:36 PM newBecause it is true, as it is stated in the following link, that if you evidence any sign of loss of absolute and total control, that's it, no matter how healed or super-competent, etc. one will always bear The Mark.
I think this attitude reflects thinking along the line of "There but for the grace of God, go I..." In some fields people are going to see so much more than most of us ever witness and then they have to turn right around and experience the same feelings day after day. It can cause a person to "just stuff it" in order to get by. Maybe you remind some of your colleagues of how close they are getting to the same point. It's maddening to have to deal with their ignorance. People suffer PTSD from many incidences - rape, auto wrecks, battle. Jeez, you'd think there'd be no difficulty in understanding people developing it because of an unprecedented occurance in the country's history. Good luck, nycyn.
posted on September 1, 2002 10:29:56 PM new
While I was only in the millitary for four years and not during wartime, I still have dreams at night, nightmares about being in the millitary. Even normal service is a very intense experience and I am sure that it is worse for Army and Marines who go through Kill Training.
posted on September 1, 2002 10:52:16 PM new
I was on the net again looking for "help." Well there is no fukkking help. I see a lot of crap from the ARC which is no more than crap. e.g. I appealed to them months ago and got a form letter: We are sorry you missed our well-publicized deadline (?) then two days ago they ran to the aid of some unfortunate family of a dead Cantor Fitzgerald CEO who were dealing with the deceased's greedy landlord, with lots of publicity I may add. They love to talk about themselves all over the place this American Red Cross.
I'm fear I'm going to wind up a statistic. My tombstone should read: "I like to think I gave at least as much to this world as it gave me." No names, dates or nothing. Just that.
I mean if I'm hit by a car or have heart attack or something!
I don't think I can come back here any more after this one. (Weak smile.)
posted on September 2, 2002 12:38:07 AM newthe Superiors with whom I used to giggle with behind closed doors, and other colleagues, are now afraid of me, like they'll either catch something from me or.....
Sometimes, I believe, it's just that they can't allow themselves to face the fact that we're all vulnerable
"to losing absolute and total control" when life delivers more than we feel capable of handling at any given time. We are human...not robots. We each experience and react to pain and trama in different ways. Saabsister said it well. "There but for the grace of God, go I..." That possibility [of losing control of oneself] scares some people so much they can only draw away from the person in true need. They don't know what to say, how to help, how to handle their own feelings, how to react.
so I like to think I'll somehow weather this. Of course you will [can]. Might not be easy, you can see that now, but always remember it is possible. Keep reaching out for help if you need to. Reach out when you're feeling lonely. Get support from where ever you can. Do whatever it takes to return from this pain. But I'd recommend you don't try to go it alone. You need support. Everyone needs someone [or many] to lean on during times like this. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help.
I wish you strength to continue to work through this issue you've been struggling with.
posted on September 2, 2002 05:50:36 AM new
Linda_K is right - these wounds take time to heal. Give yourself that time. Do the best you can right now and don't worry about your future career. ( I was in an auto accident about three or four years ago. My doc said the most difficult recovery after an accident was psychological, not physical. For almost a year after that accident, heavy traffic and any traffic that approached from the side scared the hell out of me. One of the prescriptions that my doc gave me for anxiety made everything much worse. We all react differently to our meds too. Anyway, it took time and perhaps the right med for awhile to get me back to normal. It can be done, though you wouldn't have convinced me at the time it happened because everything seemed to get worse before it changed course.)
posted on September 2, 2002 09:32:29 AM new
>>For almost a year after that accident, heavy traffic and any traffic that approached from the side scared the hell out of me.<<
I know this one. I still flinch when I'm in a car pulling up on brake lights. (I was riveted on this when we hit that car.) And I think it's been 20 years since the accident. I can begin to recall the initial year or so with humor. My career at that time required lots of taxi rides. Up Madison. Down Fifth. On and on. And in Manhattan there is a lot of pulling up on people with their brakes pressed. A lot of taxi drivers probably still remember me. Out of nowhere I would scream. They were like "Are you ok lady?" Then I'd spend the rest of the trip apologizing profusely. I had absolutely no control over this! For years afterwards I would seize up even on open roads or highways if a car 1/4-1/2 mile away applied their brakes. (Never an issue when I was driving.) My hands automatically went to the dashboard and I'd go into Fligt or Fight mode. I drove boyfriends crazy. I'd implore them to just slow up rather zoom up to the butt of the car ahead, but I'd be ignored or even be told to snap out of it. Oh, I was an absolute joy to have as a passenger! But I'm here to tell you, that I stopped screaming in taxis after about a year, and 15 years later I stopped feeling like my life was about to end when approaching a slowing or stopped car. I can still be a pain in the arse when anybody macho has the wheel on an empty road tho', but I don't whimper, I demand!
posted on September 2, 2002 09:50:45 AM new
>>I don't think that post traumatic stress disorder should be seen as a shameful stigma<<
The problem is that it doesn't *look* like this thing called PTSD. It looks like: "Hungover";"Cracking Up";"Loose Cannon";"Nut";"Asocial";"Weird";"Depressed";"Alcoholic";"Burnt Out", and so on. There needs to be a whole lot of education in NYC, and gawd knows I tried. It's the abandonment by people that makes it a horror.
I'm not being a "drama queen" when I emphasise this. I am as serious as a heart attack. I also have the good sense to not "shut up." Trust me, it's when I'm not running my mouth (well actually in real-life I talk minimally) somebody better come sniffing by my door. I think A LOT about the tons of poor SOB's out there... And I do believe there's a Tsunami coming.
posted on September 2, 2002 10:39:03 AM new
Nycyn, I was lucky that my doc told me what to expect. Too bad the docs in this country don't do more to educate the general public. My husband put up with some wild reactions too. Everytime a car would approach from the side, I'd freak. Finally, after a three hour ride with me sucking air at every intersection and on every interstate, he told me to "get a grip". Boy, did I NOT do that - I read him the riot act and asked if he thought I enjoyed this crap or had any control over it. He shut up but I'm not sure he ever understood.
Gradually the panic went away, but I still remember the second I realized my car had been hit. I remember seeing the bottom of the Explorer one foot from my face, and feeling the impact of the roof folding in. I'd even experience it on a pleasant afternoon months later as I was pulling into my driveway with no other car around.
posted on September 2, 2002 10:41:27 AM new
Nycyn,
Only people with weak characters and small brains shun and abandon people having the problems that you mention....no matter what the cause. How can anyone with integrity and compassion have a condescending attitude toward anyone with a mental problem. As saabsister suggested, we should all be aware of the fact that it can happen to anyone, even ourselves.
I've been lucky myself but I do have a little understanding of the fear and anxiety associated with this problem. My problem happened after an experience in a small boat on heavy seas. For a long time, I couldn't even look at the Chesapeake Bay without an overwhelming sense of fear. I knew that it was crazy but it was out of my control completely.
In comparison to my little frightening day, I can't even imagine your experience with 9/11.
posted on September 2, 2002 12:00:11 PM new
>>Finally, after a three hour ride with me sucking air at every intersection and on every interstate, he told me to "get a grip".<<
A lot of taxi drivers probably still remember me. Out of nowhere I would scream. They were like "Are you ok lady?" Then I'd spend the rest of the trip apologizing profusely. I had absolutely no control over this! For years afterwards I would seize up even on open roads or highways if a car 1/4-1/2 mile away applied their brakes. (Never an issue when I was driving.) My hands automatically went to the dashboard and I'd go into Fligt or Fight mode. I drove boyfriends crazy. I'd implore them to just slow up rather zoom up to the butt of the car ahead, but I'd be ignored or even be told to snap out of it. Oh, I was an absolute joy to have as a passenger! But I'm here to tell you, that I stopped screaming in taxis after about a year, and 15 years later I stopped feeling like my life was about to end when approaching a slowing or stopped car. I can still be a pain in the arse when anybody macho has the wheel on an empty road tho', but I don't whimper, I demand!