posted on October 2, 2002 06:15:27 AM new From an overnight email:
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to this year's Grassy Knoll Awards for outstanding achievement in the field of treasonous conspiracies. This year's awards of course, are dedicated to those who brought you the
television spectacular "9/11" and the daily program it spawned, "Cover Up."
The winners are:
SINGLE BULLET THEORY AWARD: Explanation that the Twin Towers fell purely as a result of the crashes of flights 11 and 175.
MAGIC BULLET FOUND ON A STRETCHER AWARD: The recovery of the passport of alleged highjacker Satam al Suqami near Ground Zero.
LEE HARVEY OSWALD MARKSMANSHIP AWARD: The alleged pilots, who couldn't fly
Piper Cubs but were able to expertly control jumbo jets.
MOTORCADE ROUTE CHANGE AWARD: NORAD (Directed By Dick Cheney).
MOTORCADE VEHICLE ORDER CHANGE AWARD: NORAD (Directed By Dick Cheney).
ARMY INTELLIGENCE STAND DOWN AWARD: NORAD (Directed By Dick Cheney).
SECRET SERVICE "WAIT UNTIL PRESIDENT KENNEDY IS SHOT IN THE HEAD BEFORE
DRAWING WEAPONS" AWARD: NORAD (Directed By Dick Cheney).
MARINA OSWALD BACKYARD PHOTOGRAPHS AWARD: The barely intelligible Osama
video broadcast in December 2001 in which he supposedly confesses to the 9/11 attacks.
LIFE MAGAZINE JFK ASSASINATION PABLUM AWARD: CNN.
THREE TRAMPS AWARD: The Five Israeli employees of Urban Moving Systems, seen
celebrating after the towers collapsed, later arrested.
ZAPRUDER FILM AWARD: The home video of George W. Bush reading with schoolchildren after being notified that America is under attack.
JACK RUBY "I KILLED OSWALD BECAUSE I WAS THINKING OF JACKIE" AWARD: Bush's
explanation that he didn't leave the classroom right away because he didn't
want to frighten the children.
J. EDGAR HOOVER "LEE HARVEY OSWALD DID IT" INSTANT VERDICT AWARD: Donald
Rumsfeld concluding at 2:40 PM on 9/11 that Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein were responsible for the attacks.
FAKE SECRET SERVICE MAN ON THE GRASSY KNOLL AWARD: The bogus New York City
Firefighters seen at the World Trade Center just after the crashes.
PRESIDENTIAL LIMOUSINE RESTORATION BEFORE IT CAN BE USED AS EVIDENCE AWARD: The recycling of the World Trade Center steel before it could be properly analyzed.
LYNDON JOHNSON "MAKE SURE WE GET JACKIE IN THE PICTURE WHEN I GET SWORN IN" AWARD: George W. Bush putting his arm around a New York City firefighter at Ground Zero.
LEE HARVEY OSWALD CAUSING A SCENE AT THE FIRING RANGE AWARD: Mohamed Atta, for making sure plenty of people knew he was around.
OSWALD SHOT KENNEDY BECAUSE OSWALD WAS A PRO-CASTRO COMMUNIST WHO HATED AMERICA AWARD: The explanation that 9/11 occurred because the men who did it were pro-Osama Bin Laden terrorists who hated America.
WARREN COMMISSION "WE NEED TO PROVE OSWALD DID IT" OBJECTIVITY AWARD: The Congressional Committees that are limiting their
investigations to "intelligence failures."
NOW THAT WE'VE GOTTEN AWAY WITH KILLING JFK, LET'S GET THIS WAR MACHINE
GOING AWARD: The Bush Cabal, getting away with killing 3,000 people and getting their war machine going.
posted on October 3, 2002 09:24:02 AM new
Oddly Enough - Reuters
The World's Funniest Joke -- Official
Thu Oct 3,10:34 AM ET
By Corey Ullman
LONDON (Reuters) - After a year of painstaking scientific research, the world's funniest joke was revealed on Thursday.
In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people's offerings.
More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.
People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"
Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"
Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:
"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"
Death earned big laughs in Scotland:
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England:
"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
"The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'"
The survey revealed other fun facts:
-- Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.
-- If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.
-- The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What's brown and sticky? A stick."
