posted on October 29, 2002 09:21:03 PM new
Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?
You just can't get that screwed up in one lifetime
What is Bob Dole's favorite band?
Limp Bizkit
At a recent rally Bob Dole was asked if he wore boxers or briefs.
He replied, 'Depends.'
Out of Bill Clinton and George W. Bush, which one do you think has been referred to as Mr. Bush more often?
President Bush and Dick Cheney are having lunch at a restaurant. Cheney orders the heart-healthy salad. Bush leans over to the waitress and says, "Honey could I have a quickie?"
The waitress was horrified. "Mr. President," she says, "I thought your administration was bringing a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see what a false promise the was."
As she marches off in a huff, Cheney leans over and says, "George, it's pronounced quiche."
A reporter remarked to George W. Bush: "It must be something, knowing that you put the Bush legacy back into the oval office."
"Thanks to Bill Clinton," replied George. "Bush never left the office."
Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other. Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and Gore came back with none.
Gore screamed for a revote.
The next day bush came back with 173 fish and Gore once again screamed for a revote.
So on the third day, Gore sent a secret service to spy on Bush. Bush came back with 293 fish this time and gore got none.
Gore goes to the secret service spy and asks whether Bush is cheating.
"Yes," replied the spy, "he's putting holes in the ice."
Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of this incident...
Back in his party days, Dubya got behind the wheel after a few too many. He started the car and stepped on the gas. He was driving for a while, when suddenly a white ghost face appeared in the window. George saw it and began screaming.
He stepped on the gas harder, but the face floated right in the window. George floored it - the speedometer read 110mph but the face did not disappear. A white hands gestured for him to roll down the window. Not knowing what else to do, he rolled it down slowly.
The wrinkled old face smiled and said, "Do you want help getting out of the mud?"
Q: Do you know why Bill Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
A: Because he likes to bend pages!
Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers?
To keep his ankles warm
Re: DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson
Dear Mr. Starr:
The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.
Apologies,
The FBI
Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst into the room shouting, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news! Nick asked me to marry him. He is like the biggest hunk in Washington. We are supposed to get married next month.
Bill took Chelsea in the back and said, "Chelsea, you're mother, although an ideal administrator and public speaker, has never had much to offer in the sack, so, as you might have heard, I have been known to fool around with other ladies on occassion. Your boyfriend Nick happens to be the product of one of my love making sessions. He is my son and thusly, he is your half-brother."
Chelsea ran out of the office screaming, "Not another brother!"
She rushed to her mother's side, telling her about her all about dad's shameful behavior and how every man she dated turns out to be one of her father's illegitimate sons.
Hillary began to laugh and said, "Don't pay any attention to him. He isn't really your father anyway."
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.'' Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?'' St. Peter replied, ''Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.'''
& My favorite......
One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
"Driver? Can I drive for a while?"
"Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
"We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.
"Who is it? Is it a senator?"
"No. More important."
"The president?"
"No. More important."
"An ambassador? Who?"
"I don't know. But the Pope is his driver."
