posted on October 18, 2003 07:53:19 PM new
By: Marc Levin, Esq.
Associate Editor
-You believe John Ashcroft poses a greater danger to America than Osama bin Laden
-You think President Bush lied to the nation, but his predecessor did not.
-You believe President Bush is too dumb to be President and Arnold Schwarzenegger is too dumb to be Governor of California, but the Dixie Chicks, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin, Babs Streisand, Eddie Vedder, and Jeanine Garofalo are foreign policy experts.
-You are enraged by the so-called mistreatment of Muslim prisoners at Guantanamo Bay who have gained weight while dining on their specially prepared Koran-approved meals, but believe the world should have stood idly by while Saddam Hussein filled mass graves.
-You support racial, ethnic, and sexual diversity, but oppose the adoption of non-discriminatory hiring practices to ensure ideological diversity on university faculties.
-You supported making rhetoric about human rights central to US foreign policy under Jimmy Carter, but oppose actually taking action to make human rights a reality under George W. Bush.
-You believe that trial lawyers taking 33 to 40 percent of a plaintiff's recovery in lawsuits is just about right, but the federal government taking this amount of our income in taxes is not nearly enough.
-You believe Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong Il, and Yasser Arafat were fairly and democratically elected, but President Bush was not.
-You root for prisoners when they escape from our oppressive prisons, but oppose allowing poor children to escape from failing public schools.
-You believe all conservatives are racist, but do not think minorities can ever succeed without affirmative action.
-You believe that being the former Governor of a New England state with 608,827 people is more than adequate experience to qualify someone to be President in 2004, but being the Governor of a Southwestern state with 21,325,018 people was wholly inadequate in 2000.
-You agree with Toni Morrison that President Clinton was "the first black President," but didn't criticize Al Sharpton for recently labeling President Bush a "gang leader."
-You believe we could finally get some truth out of the Pentagon if only Don Rumsfeld would resign and Mohammed Al-Sahhaf was named as his replacement.
-You believe evangelical Christians are destroying America, but don't feel threatened by the radical Wahabbi sect that is perverting Islam.
-You have found where the right to an abortion is written in the Constitution, but cannot find where the Constitution provides for a right to bear arms.
-Your car sports the bumper sticker saying that "it will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need and the military has to hold bake sales," but oppose allowing the U.S. military to set up volunteer recruitment tables on college campuses because of their "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.
-You believe President Bush is an environmental criminal for poisoning the water with arsenic, but have never complained about Saddam Hussein's devastating Iraq and Kuwait's environment through setting intentional oil well fires and committing genocide against the Marsh Arabs by draining their wetlands.
-You support campus speech codes that ban pick-up lines and amorous gazes, but never spoke out against President Clinton's physical sexual harassment in the White House.
-You can't decide which is worse: the Patriot Act or the Patriot Missile.
-You support unlimited appeals for convicted criminals, but believe it is undemocratic for Californians to reverse their earlier mistake of electing Gray Davis.
-You believe U.S. exports of genetically-modified foods pose a greater threat to African nations than corrupt dictators like Zimbabwe's Mugabe.
-You believe welfare is a fundamental human right, but workfare is a human rights violation.
-You believe religion is a scourge on our society, but that we will all be saved if we only have our consciousness sufficiently raised so that we become one with Mother Nature and share your faith that global warming will kill us all.
If the above has successfully profiled you, congratulations, as you have won a one-way ticket to Paris aboard the U.S.S.R. Michael Moore. Your ticket will be held at the nearest Dennis Kucinich for President rally. Matricular consular cards issued by foreign governments will be gladly accepted as identification.
"Another plague upon the land, as devastating as the locusts God loosed on the Egyptians, is "Political Correctness.'" --Charlton Heston
posted on October 18, 2003 08:56:26 PM new
You Know You're A conservative If You Believe...
Because the media doesn't report only good stuff about conservatives, it's radically Liberal.
People feel more comfortable knowing they're in the secure & caring hands of a gigantic, profit-driven HMO.
Because Colin Powell's views on race, abortion, & other social problems are in line with most people, he's a radical Leftist who must not be allowed in the republican party.
Smoking tobacco cigarettes is a harmless choice that adults should make for themselves without government involvement, but smoking marijuana is a national crisis for which the government ought to imprison anyone caught doing so.
It's patriotic to renounce one's citizenship to avoid paying taxes, & anyone who doesn't think so is a Socialist.
Any woman who wants equal pay, controll over her own body, or thinks for herself is a wacko feminist.
The budget deficit is the biggest problem facing the States right now, & the best way to get rid of it is to lower taxes so that the government takes in less money.
The most persecuted group of people in all history is white, Christian males & it's about time they started to fight back against their oppressors.
Vince Foster was personally murdered by Hillary Clinton because he knew too much about Whitewater, which is the biggest scandal in all U.S. history.
Because of the fact that David Koresh set his own home on fire, we live in a Socialist police state.
Your AK-47 is the only thing keeping a tyrannical government from imprisoning millions of your fellow citizens in secret concentration camps.
Forcing a rape victim to give birth to her rapist's child is a way to support good family valuues.
All problems in the States today can be directly traced to a 1962 supreme court decision to bar coerced state-sponsored prayer in public schools.
Ronald Reagan is single-handedly responsible for ending the Cold War.
Sex corrupts children's minds, but violence doesn't, as long as it's committed by republican film stars such as Arnold Schwartzeneggar & Bruce Willis.
A right wing dictator is better than a Left Wing dictator.
Big companies create jobs. Without their benevolence, nobody would be able to work.
A good way to promote world peace is to withdraw from the U.N., dissolve GATT & NAFTA, & ban all immigration.
Peter Jennings, making several millions of dollars a year & heard by millions is a member of the elite Liberal media, but Rush Limbaugh, making millions of dollars a year & heard by millions is a man of the people.
Giving aid to the poor is bad for them, but giving aid to business is good for the economy.
Goverment regulations promoting clean drinking water & edible meat are Socialism & interference in free market, but subsidized mining, grazing, logging, & defence work is just good government.
Part of getting big government off our backs includes allowing said government to monitor all our electronic traffic on the Internet.
Because a tiny portion of the money the National Endowment For The Arts gave out went to "obscene" artists, the best solution is just to disband the whole thing.
Paying employees more hurts the economy.
Because the States ranks very low among other countries in education, the best solution is to weaken public schools.
Commercial television is responsible for attacking morality & pandering to the base emotions, therefore, we must eliminate the only alternative, PBS.
Family planning, which cuts down on the number of unwanted pregnancies without abortion, must be eliminated so there will be less abortions.
It's good for the economy when major corporations fire large chunks of their work force.
Pat Buchanon, millionaire, media star, Mercedes owner, is a populist who understands what the comman man wants.
The best qualification for being president is to never have held any office, to hate Washington, & to be really rich.
The States should stay out of Bosnia because we're not the world policeman & Bosnia doesn't have any oil.
This world would be a safter place if more people had guns.
Paying government employees not to work is helping to balance the budget.
posted on October 18, 2003 08:58:10 PM new
You Know You're a Liberal ....
If you think Rob Reiner had to stretch to play the liberal in "All in the Family"
If you think the answer to ANY crime, infraction, or injustice is counseling.
If you've spent no less than 30 years in the walls of academia and don't see how today could be too much different from the '60s.
If you think the criminal has more rights than the police who arrest this criminal, unless the crime is sexual harassment, or racism.
If you use the term 'open-minded' and don't care that it can't be defined in absolute terms.
If you think only white people can be racist.
If Clarence Thomas made you sick, Bob Packwood made you protest, but Bill Clinton is a victim of partisan politics.
Added before I started keeping track of when I added new items
If you think that teenager's sexual behavior is uncontrollable, but hardened violent criminals should be released on parole after serving a cut sentence in a "correctional institution".
If you think Maxine Waters and Sheila Jackson Lee are articulate geniuses but Justice Clarence Thomas, Dr. Alan Keyes and Dr. Walter Williams are dolts.
If you think Rush Limbaugh and Michael Reagan are mean spirited racists and promote hate crime but Maxine Waters, John Conyers and Louis Farakahn aren't and don't.
If you think that the Constitution is a living document and should be changed but the writings of Karl Marx are "written in stone".
If you think burning the United States flag should be Constitutionally protected but burning a cross should be outlawed.
If you think that tax cuts hurt poor people and are uncompassionate but taking 30% from their paychecks is compassionate
If your idea of hell is having to mind your own business and not meddle in other people's lives.
If you believe that posting the "Ten Commandments" in schools will hurt the children, but putting "Heather Has Two Mommies" or "Ask Alice" (on the internet) won't.
If you think that the American Dream could have only been accomplished in the '60s.
if you think that conservatives have no sense of humor then shudder at the idea of a Clinton joke.
If you actually do believe that Clinton doesn't know the definition of the words "alone", "is", or "correct".
If you believe that Columbus is a mean-spirit bringer of genocide, and never should have explored to the new world, which meant that no one would have religious or taxation freedom whatsoever.
If you think that the only way the tragedy in Littleton, CO could have been avoided was to restrict the access of the guns, two of which were bought on the black market.
If you actually think the multicultural movement of the '90s works better than organized religion.
If you don't want the Christian Right imposing their morality on you, but you want to impose big government on everyone else because they won't do the right thing.
You're a liberal if you can't see the irony in your own beliefs.
If you believe Peter Jennings is a very educated and intelligent man.
If you can actually believe everyone around Bill Clinton is lying, but Bill Clinton himself is telling the truth.
If you point to God's forgiveness of King David in reference to Bill Clinton but "forget" to read the rest of the scripture about the ruin that he inflicted on his family, his kingdom and himself.
If you think that the only acceptable hate crime is Christian bashing.
If you want to make the rich "pay their fair share" but leave Ted (more people have been killed in my car than in an American nuclear power plant) Kennedy and Dick Gebhardt out of the definition of the rich.
If your idea of compassion is giving a homeless person a shopping cart but expecting them to accept the responsibilities of life is mean spirited, racist, bigoted, etc. ad nauseum.
If you think Princess Diana was compassionate for hugging poor children and children with AIDS (while "forgetting" about her getting in her limo and driving away) but Mother Teresa makes you uncomfortable.
If you think that "dumbing down" America's school kids is compassionate but holding them to high educational standards is "mean spirited", racist, bigoted, etc. ad nauseum.
If you think that Teddy Kennedy, Jesse Jackson and the KKK don't have anything in common (at least the KKK is honest about their goals).
If you think that people need to be punished for good choices and rewarded for bad ones.
You're a liberal if you think what Hitler did to the Jews is horrible but the "Christian Right" is dangerous and needs to be done away with.
If you don't see the parallel between yourself, Adolph Hitler, Josef Stalin and Chairman Mao.
If you believe that the "700 Club" are a group of fakes or actors but the people on "The Jerry Springer" show are real people.
If you actually refer to the Reagan and Bush Presidencies as one Presidency.
If you think that affirmative action is the only way to solve racial problems in America.
If you think the best way to care about a disease is to wear a ribbon.
If you think that pouring blood on a $1,500 fur coat is a sure-fire way to get your message across, but if anyone protests outside an abortion clinic, they're extremists!
If Sean Hannity makes no sense and Alan Colmes makes perfect sense.
If you voted for Mondale in 1984 thinking that raising your taxes was a good idea.
If you refer to listening to Jesse Jackson or Sam Donaldson as "equal time".
If you make snide remarks to guys for looking at women but champion Clinton's right to do whatever he wants with his interns.
If you think the impeachment vote was 'just about sex'.
If you think all the attacks against Republicans are justified, but got outraged about the Willie Horton incident.
If you actually think Clinton 'only inhaled'.
If the last 'good old president' you remember was Carter.
If you condemn Dan Quayle for misspelling potato and then ignore the witticisms of Al Gore (who are these people?)
If you think Alec Baldwin was justified in his protest on the Jay Leno show.
If you actually think there IS a way that the Republicans can poison the water supply to certain people, and destroy the ozone layer.
If you believe any of the conspiracies such as that the AIDS virus was started by the government or that certain products cause sterility in black males, but think "The X-files" is too far fetched.
If you think that Watergate and Iran-Contra was a travesty of justice, but anything against Clinton is partisan!
If you believe VH-1 when they tell you that warning labels were put on by "Conservatives led by Tipper Gore".
If you believe Clinton's 'change of heart' after the sudden switch in the 1994 election.
If you use the words "right wing extremist" at least four times in any given day.
If you think that bombing on Iraq couldn't have possibly had anything to do with the impeachment vote... then why did they stop as soon as the vote was done?
If you think that the four cops who beat Rodney King should have been thrown in jail forever, but the four thugs who beat Reginald Denny should have fair justice.
You complain that your community has too many white people and the Catholic church you go to doesn't have enough ethnicity, but you're the first one with a for sale sign in your yard when blacks start moving in.
You called Vietnam Veterans "baby killers" but think that allowing a woman to suck her baby into a sink is a constitutionally protected right.
You think that Joe Camel and big tobacco are out to kill your babies, but allowing a babies brain to be sucked out of its skull when it's 1/3 of the way out of the birth canal is paramount to a free society.
You scream if a CEO sleeps with an employee but think that Clinton receiveing oral sex from an Intern is just fine.
You believe that Clinton was forced to lie under oath by the "Vast Right Wing Conspiracy"
You think that Ken Starr is the devil's helper for calling Monica's mother to testify but believe that Ollie North's wife and minister being called before the grand Jury was fair.
You believe Clinton's numbers about the number of jobs created and don't credit it to the businesses given opportunities in the 1980s.
You know no recorded economic history (e.g. the massive stagflation and recession) before the Reagan Era.
You think sexual harassment is rampant, date rape pervasive, domestic violence common and Paula Jones is lying.
You get mad when rape victims' sexual history is plastered all over the news media, but think Paula Jones' sexual history "must be made public."
You hate Hillary jokes.
You hate Monica jokes.
You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend the killing of unborn children as an expression of choice.
You fully support women who have "exercised their right to choose" when they abort in the 3rd trimester, but think Amy Grossberg should get the death penalty before the trial even goes to court.
You think trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize and the fetus is a blob of protoplasm.
You wear a red ribbon to show your support for a cure for AIDS but oppose all animal experimentation needed to find that cure
If you hear a news report of a man beat nearly to death because he is a minority or gay and you rally about punishing the bigot who committed the terrible act BUT, if you hear a news report of a man beat nearly to death for his money, and you start talking about the poor disadvantaged person who is forced to commit such acts to survive.
You are convinced that Frank Capra films and Norman Rockwell paintings are lies and distortions but "Platoon," "Dances with Wolves" and "Thelma and Louise" are realistic.
You thought Walt Disney was saccharine sweet and terminally cutesy-pie - until it made Pocahontas.
You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism are values-neutral.
You agonize over threats to the natural environment (acid rain, toxic waste) but are oblivious to threats to the social environment (pornography, promiscuity, and family dissolution).
You are appalled at all the money being spent investigating the alleged illegal activities of Bill Clinton, but insist that investigating 75 charges (74 which were dismissed as unfounded) charges against Newt Ginrich was "the only just thing to do."
You want to outlaw cigarrettes and legalize marijuana
You want to legalize cocaine and outlaw handguns. You think cops are pigs and criminals are products of their environment.
You believe the National Rifle Association helps criminals while the American Civil Liberties Union protects the innocent.
You think Rush Limbaugh is responsible for the Oklahoma City bombing but are outraged by suggestions that Ted Kaczynski (the suspected Unabomber) and Al Gore have anything in common.
You just know that everything Rush Limbaugh says is a lie but you have never listened to him.
Jesse Jackson makes sense to you. Barbra Streisand makes even more sense.
You think Herblock cartoons are funny and Janet Reno is totally hot.
You believe corporate profits are obscene but government spending is too low and the American people are undertaxed.
You see cartoons condemning religions and making fun of Christianity as funny and an expression of free speech, but think the cartoon B.C. should be banned.
You think deficits are caused by tax loopholes.
You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.
You consider the Catholic bishops noble and idealistic when they oppose capital punishment and welfare cuts but dangerous fanatics trying to legislate their theology when they defend the right to life.
You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform hate the poor and opponents of affirmative action hate minorities, but AIDS activists who bash the Pope and People for the American Way types who go psycho over Protestant "fundamentalists" are guardians of democracy.
You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional racism and the legacies of slavery and segregation.
You think the black middle class is a myth created by Newt Gingrich.
You view race riots as justifiable expressions of rage over injustice and fail to see the similarities between a black mob burning a Korean store and a white mob in the Jim Crow era lynching a black man.
You don't understand all of the whining about affirmative action and are more than willing to sacrifice someone else's employment or education opportunity to assuage your guilt.
You marched against American involvement in Vietnam, thought the Gulf war was unnecessary but believe 25,000 U.S. troops in Bosnia are vital to our national interests.
You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy, judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse. But you believe Richard Nixon is responsible for everything horrible that's happened in the past quarter-century.
You think those child-abusing, religious fanatics at Waco had it coming but the illegal immigrants roughed up by California deputies - after leading them on a high-speed chase - are the victims of the decade.
You continually say that conservatives have no sense of humor, but after reading this joke, think that I am cold and mean-spirited.
posted on October 18, 2003 09:08:53 PM newPathetic Innuendos
By: Rabi Marc Levin,
-If you have quivering faith in John Ashcroft then you love Osama bin Laden
-If you think President Bush lied to the nation, then you believe his predecessor did not.
-If you believe President Bush is too dumb to be President and Arnold Schwarzenegger is too dumb to be Governor of California,
Then you believe that Dixie Chicks, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin, Babs Streisand, Eddie Vedder, and Jeanine Garofalo are foreign policy experts.
-If you are enraged by the so-called mistreatment of Muslim prisoners at Guantanamo Bay who have gained weight while dining on their specially prepared Koran-approved meals,
Then you believe the world should have stood idly by while Saddam Hussein filled mass graves.
-If you support racial, ethnic, and sexual diversity,
Then you oppose the adoption of non-discriminatory hiring practices to ensure ideological diversity on university faculties.
-Supposedly human rights were central to US foreign policy under Jimmy Carter, & under George W. Bush taking action to make human rights is a reality.
-Supposedly ‘pinkos’ believe that trial lawyers taking 33 to 40 percent of a plaintiff's recovery in lawsuits is just about right, but the federal government taking this amount of our income in taxes is not nearly enough.
-You should not believe Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong Il, and Yasser Arafat & Bush were all appointed as opposed to elected.
- For poor children to escape from failing public schools, they should join the armed forces
-No conservatives are racist, they just don’t believe in giving a minority person an even break.
Etc
Etc
Etc
Etc
And any other stupid assertions one cares to make!
Bear!
Would you call yourself an ‘educated man’??????
LOL
posted on October 19, 2003 05:49:40 AM new
Those are GREAT, bear.
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Only a conservative position??? haha
Ronald Reagan is single-handedly responsible for ending the Cold War.
Well.....at least ONE democratic candidate thinks Reagan was instrumental in ending the cold war. Even though he's changed his mind [now] on how wonderful he was saying the Bush administration was too...right up through our war in Afghanistan...but now that he's running under the democratic ticket ....he's taken it all back. right
One can barely keep up with all clark's changes of his past positions.
Reported on the DrudgeReport, this morning:
[and since they're direct quotes, don't suppose it will matter who's posting them]
Clark praised Reagan for improving the military:
"We were really helped when President Ronald Reagan came in. I remember non-commissioned officers who were going to retire and they re-enlisted because they believed in President Reagan."
Clark continued: "That's the kind of President Ronald Reagan was. He helped our country win the Cold War. He put it behind us in a way no one ever believed would be possible. He was truly a great American leader. And those of us in the Armed Forces loved him, respected him, and tremendously admired him for his great leadership."
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On withdrawing from NAFTA.....again I've only heard Mr. K, a socialist running on the democratic ticket, who's recommending that. ----------------
