posted on June 4, 2004 03:47:39 PM new
Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen are effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, asexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual - bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world! Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.
The Code:
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking whiskey, I salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an end cap (Two end caps if you include shaving goods).
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from "The Gap" when he's 30 years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing With It" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title or the characters.
A Retrosexual does not let anyone mess with his house or his family on national TV.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a frou-frou little wuss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention to you. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you too.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting, know a handful of limericks, and know how to start a damned fire.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you are riddled with fear. Guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.
Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, loss of a major body part, or death of a pet (fish, hamsters, or ferrets do NOT count as pets).
A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), "Thelma and Louise" or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, Deer Hunter, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, Fight Club, Vision Quest, etc.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted look on his face.
A Retrosexual will also give up his seat on a bus to any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt.) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer, but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, places his hand over his heart, and uses the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, whittling, cigars, car maintenance, saw sharpening etc. These are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils. He can also read a map, compass, and recognizes most any type of animal dropping.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a plow berm. He can put on a set of tire chains in under 5 minutes.
A Retrosexual man can cut down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract - a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceives him. He may however choose to DEAL WITH IT, if the deceit was intentional.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT. And, that is all I need to say about that subject! Period!
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming - "WOW!! What a Ride!"
"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." —Jay Leno
posted on June 4, 2004 06:35:06 PM new
Bear- "Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen are effeminate men prancing about..."? Killing your own meat and chopping down trees, and allowing this as the only thing on TV in your house? Do you wear leather clothes, ride a Harley and hang out in a "men only" club?
posted on June 4, 2004 08:44:04 PM new
Leather clothes, No....From what I've heard thats for the folks on that Queer Eye program.
Buckskin jacket & jeans, maybe.
I'd love to own a Harley, are you offering to buy me one?
Hang out in a "men only" club? There you go talking about that Queer Eye program again.
"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." —Jay Leno
