posted on July 27, 2004 11:30:09 AM new
Jon Carroll's column:
JON CARROLL
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
So some of the more paranoid people among us (the paranoid people are rapidly earning an alternative name: realists) have suggested that the Bush administration may be preparing some sort of "October surprise," a staged event that would give a lift to the Republican candidate just before the election.
This speculation became rather more concrete when the New Republic, citing an unnamed Pakistani intelligence officer, said the Bush administration was pushing Pakistan to produce Osama bin Laden or another "HVT" -- high- value target -- during the week of the Democratic convention or during the last two weeks in October.
Now, of course, coincidences do happen, and we are certain that our fine friends the Pakistanis would produce Osama just the minute they got their hands on him. Actually, we are not certain of that. We just hope it's true.
So another person had a swell idea. I asked her if I might borrow her idea if I gave it right back. She said sure. So what I propose is a little contest. You, yes, you, can participate. The name of the contest is: Guess the October Surprise.
If this contest seems too cynical to you, then do not play. But, of course, you must play in order to win. There may even be a prize involved.
The most obvious October surprise is the capture of bin Laden, but there are ever so many other possibilities. Gas prices could drop precipitously as the result of tough negotiating by our president. Weapons of mass destruction could be discovered in Iraq. Syria could say, OK, you win; we're going to become a democracy right away.
Operatives from al Qaeda could be discovered staffing the office of the Ohio Democratic Party. Jeb Bush could discover that he had "misplaced" 40,000 eligible Cuban American voters. An "old friend" of John Kerry's could reveal that Kerry spent the entirety of the Vietnam War in the basement of a brothel in Berlin.
Dick Cheney could rush into a burning building and save 17 orphans from certain death. Then he could reveal that he is really Spider-Man and that he does whatever a spider can. OK, some of these ideas are more likely than others. And nothing sensational may happen at all. Maybe it will be an election characterized by civility and a concentration on the great issues of the day. And I am Marie of Romania, in the words of the great poet.
So, the rules: The October Surprise must be a real surprise and not something just slightly odd, like John Ashcroft demanding that all people whose names begin with "K" be placed in concentration camps. (If, however, all people whose names began with "K" are actually placed in concentration camps, that would qualify.) The surprise also must be at least arguably a creation of the Bush administration or its representatives.
We do hope that there will not be an October surprise. We hope never to have to make a judgment about the winner of the contest. Indeed, we hope that the existence of the contest might in some way inoculate the nation against some cynical manipulation by the Republicans. But hey, if the worst happens, some lucky person will get a hypothetical T-shirt. So it's pretty much win-win.
E-mail your guesses to the address at the bottom of the column. Please put "October surprise" in the subject line. Remember that brevity is the soul of getting your entries read promptly. In the event of a tie, I shall make an arbitrary decision. In the event that there is no October surprise, I will give your letters to a charity that needs your cast-off nouns and verbs.
Now, a chance for you to win something we'll think of later. Just guess the nature of the forthcoming cynical manipulation.
Remember, no salesman will call, and no African princes will write you begging letters, so e-mail [email protected].
___________________________________
"Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same, but better."
- Sidney J Harris
posted on July 27, 2004 11:35:59 AM new
While I still believe that pulling binLaden off the ranch in Texas and pretending he was found in Iraq is the best bet....here's a more practical one:
Tell troops they'll all be home in time for Thanksgiving and Christmas and then once bush is elected he'll claim a little "miscalculation" and they'll all stay.
posted on July 27, 2004 11:48:53 AM new
___________________________________
"Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same, but better."
- Sidney J Harris
posted on July 27, 2004 01:56:47 PM new
Here's a followup to the original newspaper column:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/07/27/DDGG77G2651.DTL
"So I have been going through the literally hundreds of submissions to the October Surprise Contest, and oh my, do a lot of you think Dick Cheney will not be on the ballot come November. Several of you also believe that Bush will somehow trigger an invasion by aliens -- space aliens, not undocumented workers."
If you're curious, his page on the web is:
http://www.sfgate.com/columnists/carroll/
___________________________________
"Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same, but better."
- Sidney J Harris
posted on July 28, 2004 12:15:57 AM new
OH, roadsmith, if there's even the slightest chance of attack from space aliens I'm sure georgie will strike first ....and plan later!
