As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable (Helen / Crow / Maggie / Kiara / Kraft). She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call (Helen / Crow / Maggie / Kiara / Kraft) a doll took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, (Helen / Crow / Maggie / Kiara / Kraft) came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with (Helen / Crow / Maggie / Kiara / Kraft)'s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that (Helen / Crow / Maggie / Kiara / Kraft) should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed (Helen / Crow / Maggie / Kiara / Kraft) the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to (Helen / Crow / Maggie / Kiara / Kraft). Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly (Helen / Crow / Maggie / Kiara / Kraft) made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of (Helen / Crow / Maggie / Kiara / Kraft)'s collapse. We discovered that (Helen / Crow / Maggie / Kiara / Kraft) had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!
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This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.
(I changed the names...Bear)
Americans again prove Pres Bush is the best man for the job
"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself." --John Stuart Mill
posted on December 10, 2004 12:09:13 AM new
Poor poo bear, I wonder if he's ever known any real women? Seems very familiar with the blow up variety............so sorry for you , bear.
posted on December 10, 2004 10:00:05 AM new
Maggie, excellent self portrait.
Crow. I'm sure you have more experience with "real women" than I do. P.S. your new sponsor "Snap on Tools" called to say your order is ready.
Americans again prove Pres Bush is the best man for the job
"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself." --John Stuart Mill
posted on December 10, 2004 07:51:30 PM newChristmas carols for the challenged:
Schizophrenia
Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder
We Three Kings Disoriented Are
Dementia
I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
Manic
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and......
Paranoid
Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
Borderline Personality Disorder
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
posted on December 11, 2004 06:02:15 PM new
Maggie & Crow, Santa sent you a present.
Americans again prove Pres Bush is the best man for the job
"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself." --John Stuart Mill
posted on December 11, 2004 09:36:10 PM new
Close but not quite..... Americans again prove Pres Bush is the best man for the job
"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself." --John Stuart Mill
posted on December 12, 2004 09:37:14 PM new
Talking about a Christmas story.......
I just read a couple on the EO..and they were a real slap in my ho, ho, ho, so jolly, Christmas face.
I feel like a total schmuck talking about my Holiday Stress... of shopping, baking, making party plans.....sh!t what a big pile of crap that is when people like the ones posting on the EO don't know where their next meal is going to come from..
posted on December 13, 2004 12:14:32 PM newFinding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book
Yellow isn't this what you get every year for Christmas since you can't get the real thing at the strip clubs. Last time I checked you can't get married to a love doll no matter how much you try passing it off as a real person.
Q. What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?
A. George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.
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There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
---------------------------------- "Give it up for George W. Bush, the best friend international jihad ever had."
