posted on October 12, 2000 03:34:58 PM new
I need to call on all of my insightful buddies on AW to help me out with a problem. As many of you know, my 28 year old daughter and her 4 year old son are coming to live with us. She is getting a divorce. My daughter is a good person, but she has no concept of being responsible for her actions. For instance, she thinks nothing of borrowing money from someone and not paying it back, or running up long distance phone bills on other people's phones, which she did at her mother-in-law's over the past four weeks. I KNOW that when they finally move in, even though we tell her NO LONG DISTANCE CALLS, she will do it anyway. How do we handle this?
Also, she will be getting a job (something minimum wage for now) and she is a serious shop-aholic. This girl has never been able to handle money. If she has a nickle to her name, she'll buy a gumball. She used to work at a grocery store and would spend her paycheck on groceries and make-up, and just ANYTHING. Then she'd be broke for two weeks. She doesn't care WHAT she spends the money on, she just loves to spend money. The concept of saving money escapes her. I'm just very afraid that she'll never move out because she'll never be able to afford it with her horrible spending habits. So what do I do? I don't want my daughter living with us for the next ten years, although I suspect she'll just find another guy to support her. That's another thing; she's a very poor judge of character. Right now even though she is getting divorced, she has a long distance love interest in North Carolina who makes way less money than her husband did. I'm just freaking out. Any ideas?
posted on October 12, 2000 03:46:42 PM new
How about just "GOOD LUCK" to ya? Your daughter sounds familiar, lol. I knew someone like that and it made me bugshit. But this is your daughter and grandbaby, so the only thing I can tell ya, Muriel, is you already know what youre in for and you made the decision to allow her back. Do the best you can, I guess. I know that wasnt much help..sorry.
posted on October 12, 2000 03:49:39 PM new
Thanks, Maui. The other thing, that I left out, is that she was a very difficult child, and her teenage years nearly killed me. She has always taken advantage of me, and because she's my daughter, I still fall for her sob stories. Just like Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown.
posted on October 12, 2000 04:17:36 PM new
Muriel...my Mom has had most of my siblings back home at some point in their adult lives. Although none of them had the problems your daughter seems to encounter, it can still be challenging.
First, I believe you can put a long distance block on your phone. This will not allow for any long distance calls to be made. If this is a problem for you, you might want to put in a separate phone line for yourself (in your bedroom maybe) and use a phone which you then unplug and hide. OR, get a cellular plan with some free long distance minutes on it.
Second, let her know she will be expected to pay you rent/board for living there. You can decide if you want to spend it on the increased costs of another adult in the house, or if you want to put it aside for her as a forced savings of some kind. Also, make her purchase any groceries and personal items out of the ordinary.
Third, don't offer to babysit for free or it will become your new job.
I really feel for you as it can be difficult with an adult child living home even in the best of circumstances. Be tough though, Mom, because she obviously knows how much she can get away with from you. Any chance of setting up a deadline of one year maybe??
posted on October 12, 2000 04:28:37 PM new
First, thanks for the ideas. I need all I can get!
When she was a teenager I did put on a long distance block. But since all of our relatives live out of town, it's kind of hard to do that. But I do like the idea of a separate phone line. We have a phone line for the computer, so if we wanted to make a long distance call, maybe we could just plug into that one. Would that work?
She and my grandson come here every weekend and soon it will be for good. I made the mistake of taking her on a couple of shopping trips, and now she expects it. She keeps finding reasons to go to Meijer's or K-Mart, and then starts throwing stuff in the cart, or saying "I need this" or "I need that". I even bought her a winter coat, but when she got some cash from her husband, she went out and spent half of the money on a denim coat that she liked better. She knows that my husband and I make a comfortable living - as opposed to when I was a single mom and struggling to make ends meet. So she thinks she's in for a free ride. NOT! Please keep the ideas coming! Thanks gang.
posted on October 12, 2000 04:32:30 PM new
Muriel, I agree with the good points that njrazd brought up. My husband's brother has been living with his mother for the last three years and only in September did he get a job or start doing anything to help around the house. And he's 50 years old. It was too easy for him . Only when my mother-in-law finally demanded that he start to assume some responsibility did he do it.
Perhaps if you draw up an agreement before she moves in,she'll know what is expected of her. Putting aside some of her rent might be a good idea. You could surprise her at the end of the year by returning part of it for a downpayment on an apartment.
posted on October 12, 2000 04:36:16 PM new
You're going to have be brave enough to set up firm guidelines, that's for sure. While you certainly don't want her little boy to go without any needs, you can't be expected to support a 28 year old woman. Decide beforehand how much rent she will have to pay, and stick with it. If she begins racking up phone bills or the like, then make it clear she will have to move out.
What is it Ann Landers says? "No one can take advantage of you unless you let them."
Tough Love is in order here. Set up the rules and consequences, and then stick to them. Anything less will not do her or you any favors. If she hasn't learned by 28 to be responsible, then now is the time to welcome her to the adult world.
posted on October 12, 2000 04:43:15 PM new
My oldest 2 still live at home ( 21 and 18 yrs. old). When they went to work I told them they had to help out, each one gives me $50 a week, in return for that I cook, wash there clothes etc. , at first they did not like it, but when they started to thinking they could not live on there own for that price. It is not that I really need the money but I feel that kids should help out, if you do not set some kind of rules they will just take advantage of you. I wish you the best with your dauhter, ( I have one now that is almost 13 and she is trying me in ways my other daughter did not) Just do the best that you can , try to set a few rules, Maybe a small rent charge that helps to cover food, etc.
posted on October 12, 2000 04:50:42 PM new
Here is an example of my daughter's thinking. I told her that her mother-in-law was going to flip out when she got her phone bill with all the calls on it. And my daughter said "Well she can't expect me to sit around here all day with nothing to do!". DUH!! Her mother-in-law opened her house to my daughter and grandson, and feeds her, but that's just not enough I guess!
My daughter does do housecleaning, and she keeps up her end of the chores. But she is so clueless sometimes.
posted on October 12, 2000 04:54:34 PM new
Muriel...do you have any kind of relationship with your ex-SIL? I'm wondering if you can set it up where he sends his child's support money directly to you and then you take care of the child's needs directly. It sounds like your daughter may spend that money on herself first and your grandson last.
********************
That's Flunky Gerbiltush to you!
posted on October 12, 2000 04:59:01 PM new
At this point, nothing has been filed with the court yet. She hasn't been a resident of the state for six months, so all she can do right now is file for legal separation and temporary child support and temporary spousal support. Her husband is in the military. I think the payments will come through the county child support enforcement agency, and there's no way my daughter would allow that money to go anywhere but to her! You would hear the screaming wherever you are now living!
posted on October 12, 2000 05:02:47 PM new
I don't know, it might be cheaper and less stressful for you in the long run help her find a small cheap place to live and pay the deposit and first months rent, maybe help her turn on the phone and set her up with a few weeks groceries. Then tell her that you love her and dearly love your grandson, but they are on their own and if she can't swing it now she never will.
In other words help, but let her know she's responsible for her and her sons life. It's linka like kicking the kid out of the nest to start with instead of bringing them back in and getting them ready to be kicked out.
In everyones life comes a moment of pure clarity "I am responsible for me" It hits hard when you have to get foodstamps, or when you get the electric turned off, or when your kid needs shoes and you can't get them. Let her live that hun. She may just come out of it all a shining star.
posted on October 12, 2000 05:07:47 PM new
Kitsch1: We did that with my son, and he is doing great. He's 20, going to college, working, and never asks for a cent. But if I did that with my daughter, she would be on the phone constantly asking for money for some URGENT necessity - like new sunglasses - and it would be a nightmare. Once she gets a good job, I won't have a problem doing that. But as I mentioned earlier, she has a "love interest" in North Carolina, and my guess is that as soon as her divorce is final, she will pack up and move there. Let's all concentrate now and visualize this happening.
posted on October 12, 2000 05:10:03 PM new
Excellent suggestion Kel! Muriel, that seems the best thing to do! They would have a roof over their heads (not yours) and the daughter would have to make SURE that roof stays there. Dont help further...just get her situated, and let her go. Muriel...someone once told me I was an idiot for allowing the same situation to happen. It wasnt a family member, though. However, its so similar, its scarey. Bllod pressure went up, health went down, financial difficulties with phone bills and borrowing from common friends and even my employer and never being paid back (and it looked bad on ME even though I didnt know about the borrowing). Even ruining my business for awhile there, with purchasing things I bought from them for resale, she would order things and not pay...which made the vendor not want to sell to ME (she said I refered her, and I didnt). Shellyherr was having the same prob with her friend too. Only thing I can say is, you know what is going to happen. Is it worth it to be ill, be stressed and die early just because your daughter refuses to grow up? She doesnt have to....YOU are there to take care of her. So do what Kel said...but do it in a different town so when the rent isnt paid after 2 months, you arent there to watch the eviction, nor are tempted to pay if "just one more time". Your daughter is never going to learn if you dont MAKE her.
posted on October 12, 2000 05:12:12 PM new
Muriel, does your community have any free or reduced rate financial counselling available?(I think the state Extension Service offers it here.) It might help for her to have a third party help her draw up a budget and make future financial plans. It could be a real eye-opener for her to see on paper what most adults have to contend with.
posted on October 12, 2000 05:16:42 PM new
Just wanted to add, my 20 year old son pays $250 per month "rent", and works full time and pays all his own bills. I do the laundry and cooking, just because it is easier for me to take care of it.
We have told my 18 soon to be 19 year old that if the Air National Guard falls thru, he will have to pay $125 per month starting December. If he goes in the Guard, he'll be gone 3 months, then coming home and starting college. They don't have to pay rent if they are in college, and they still fall under our medical insurance and can be deductions on our taxes. (if full time students)
posted on October 12, 2000 05:20:24 PM new
Muriel, Congrats on your son doing so well
I still extend the same advice tho, people wake up at different ages. This year might be her year. I'm sorry, but I hope she doesnt jump right into a relationship in another state, that could bring her back to you in a year and worse yet for wear
Have faith, she will grow up. Were y'all kinda poor when she grew up? I was and when I got used to having some money when ex and I were both working I spent too much very often because it seemed like a dream come true to be able to buy things!!!! It was almost a need to buy things and I still feel that need, just can't act on it anymore. (learning not to act on it comes hard and fast when it's not there anymore, and when no-one is giving to you)
posted on October 12, 2000 05:20:51 PM new
SAABsister: That's what I was thinking. That she needs someone to sit her down and say "Look, here is what you earn, and here is what your bills are, and you can't be spending all your paycheck on junk!". I forgot to mention that she's been spending her money on phone cards so she can call her "friend" in NC when she's here visiting. I said "Here's a thought; let HIM call YOU!".
My husband, who is in Tennessee negotiating a labor contract for a large well known company - which is taking FOREVER - has very good skills when it comes to dealing with deadbeats. So I think once he gets these negotiations done, he will sit down with her and lay down the law. And she MIGHT listen to him, because she really respects him. Her father left us when she was five and never had anything more to do with her. She considers my hubby her "dad" and that might be our first step. But keep the ideas coming! They're good!
posted on October 12, 2000 05:25:02 PM new
since it certainly sounds like you want to assist your daughter for the rest of your life, the kindest thing that you could do is to follow one of the suggestions above and 'set her up' in her own apartment.
One day you will be dead and the latest love interest will have lost interest. Then what is she gonna do? You will not only have done the daughter but the grandchild a dis-service. It will hurt.....YOU.....but continuing to wipe her bottom for her at age 28 will not be doing your job as a parent.
And yes.....I have done this before, admittedly with a son.....but it made me proud to have him be responsible for himself.
posted on October 12, 2000 05:25:15 PM new
Kitsch1: Yes, we were kinda "po" when she was a kid. I was a single mom, but my parents spoiled her rotten and gave her everything she wanted, and then some.
posted on October 12, 2000 05:32:02 PM new
My kids are kinda poor right now too lol Their Grandparents are in their lives more now than they have ever been but they do not spoil them, last gifts were bicycles for birthdays. Thank goodness they don't give gifts often. I want my kids to have what they need and some of what they want, but not all they want. Did that makes sense?
posted on October 12, 2000 05:35:16 PM new
It makes sense, Kel. If they got all they wanted, then whats the thrill of working for that which they cant have? Or dreaming of what they cant have? They already had it, so no thrill. And no lessons learned to pass on to THEIR children.
posted on October 12, 2000 05:42:30 PM new
Muriel, one of my sisters has a very well paying job but is forever in debt because of her shopping habits. She spends all her money on clothes and home furnishings. Then it becomes difficult to make the mortgage payment so she sells her house, pays off her debts with the equity , and starts all over again. But within a year she is in debt again. Shopping has become compulsive for her - a way to solve some other problem or fill some void. If this is the case with your daughter, financial counselling alone may not be enough.
posted on October 12, 2000 05:43:15 PM new
I hope I wasnt browbeating. Made sense what Dr Tooth said (albeit alittle more gruff, but still, made sense). I guess what Im concerned with is that none of us would know if Muriel didnt tell us, and they were her words about her daughters ways in dealing with things. Asking advice is great, because the folks here will tell it like it is. And what is being told is, most of us realize that shes between a rock and hard place. Thats her DAUGHTER and her grandson. She loves them both and wants them safe and secure. On the other hand, she knows what is going to happen when she does help. Some advice is not going to be taken well, but I gather most here want the best for Muriel, yes?
posted on October 12, 2000 05:44:54 PM new
Kitsch, but yet you felt compelled to answer. Thats so special. You do not need to take my advice if you do not like it. My advice is just a different flavor than most.
posted on October 12, 2000 05:45:27 PM new
Hi kel. Maybe Santa will bring a new bike this year to replace the stolen one? (Help for santa: Local police and sheriffs departments usually give bikes for kids at that time...might wanna send an elf over to ask about it)
posted on October 12, 2000 05:47:02 PM new
Maui, of course ya werent beating anyones brow. I guess DR Tooth struck me a little unkind, but it wasnt my business to give my opinion on it.
But then how often do I mind my own business on these here boards?
