posted on October 30, 2000 02:26:24 AM new
Several months ago I posted about a past bad relationship that was coming back to haunt me now that the other party had become "well known". I got lots of good advice on this board. I am happy to report that I ended up getting back in touch with the party in question and discovered that he was just as big a jerk as he used to be, if not worse, and I ended up thanking my lucky stars that he was now busy making other people very miserable instead of me.
However, I am now facing a different problem. As part of working through the situation above I became very, very close friends with another person. I would say this person was one of the best friends I ever had in terms of being kind and supportive. Unfortunately, we had a bad falling out about a month ago, precipitated by increased stress (school, work pressures, other events) in both of our lives. I got annoyed that the person was no longer so available to me and some words were exchanged. I felt bad about it almost immediately and tried to apologize. My friend chose to not accept the apology, and then made a number of false accusations and misinterpretations of my past statements/ behavior and cut off all contact with me.
Since then, I have attempted to explain myself a number of times through various channels (other friends, e-mail, etc.) but the person does not want to discuss it and gets very angry with me when I try to even make contact. This is a 180 degree personality shift from the way my friend was before. In addition, the person has attempted to cause problems in my relationships with mutual friends by getting angry at them for talking to me or wrongly insinuating that I am stabbing them in the back. Fortunately, our mutual friends have decided to continue being supportive to us both, and are not taking sides as far as I can tell.
My friend is under treatment for severe chronic depression. I don't know much about this type of depression. Other friends of mine who are also under treatment for depression or otherwise in therapy have told me that even with the depression, this person's behavior is out of line. I have no idea if they're right or not. I am not under treatment for anything though I do sometimes have bad anxiety/panic attacks, which I have learned to control on my own over the years but do cause me to need support at times from friends and family. I was having such an attack at the time of the final argument with my friend, so my behavior was a contributing factor (which is why I have tried to apologize).
Right now I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with the fact that this person is no longer in my life on a daily basis. It is also possible that the person will eventually make some attempt at a reconciliation or expect me to do so, based on past behavior patterns (the person has a history of this type of event occurring with other people). I am having a lot of trouble with that idea as well because after so much pain I don't know if I could just pick up the friendship where it left off. My normal inclination with any other person would be to write it off, move on and not look back, but because I feel partly to blame and because the person is under treatment, I'm not sure how I should respond. Right now I am just staying away from the person who has made it very clear that they do not want me around at all right now.
I know there are people on this board who are familiar with depression as it's been discussed before. Does this situation sound familiar to anyone? I am not interested in placing blame and I readily accept that what happened was partly my fault. But I just need suggestions as to how to cope both in the short term (i.e. deal with the loss of this person from my daily life) and the long term (i.e. what to do/how to respond if the person comes back or expects me to). I realize this is sort of a downer topic but I would really appreciate any help.
________
I never had one, and I didn't want one, and I don't, so now I do...
posted on October 30, 2000 04:28:04 AM new
In the long run, I think, it doesn't really matter whether you "feel partly to blame" or "the person is under treatment". Fact is, the party in question "has made it very clear that they do not want [you] around at all right now."
If you really want to honor this person and show you care, do what s/he wants and leave him/her alone. Just because you want - and feel ready - to apologize doesn't mean s/he's ready to accept that apology, depression or not.
You've already repeatedly made your desires and feelings known through other parties. I'd suggest what what you need to do now is take this person at his/her word, and "write it off, move on and not look back". This is NOT a situation which you can control, and that may be the hardest thing to deal with: knowing that you caused (even partially) a rift that you can't do anything to fix.
posted on October 30, 2000 05:55:27 AM new
Your point (HCQ) is a good one, but I would repeat that I am doing just that---staying away to the extent that I can, because I do respect the person's wishes in that regard. (I cannot completely avoid the person because we are involved in some of the same work and activities, so we do have to be in the same space occasionally though we don't talk.)
I am more concerned about 1) what I can do to make myself feel better (without involving the other person at all) and 2) what to do when and if the person eventually makes contact again. I know that time is not now and I'm not trying to push it. However, this individual told me when leaving that s/he would be back at some indefinite future point and based on the pattern of past behavior I believe this will probably happen. I'm just not quite sure how to handle that situation when and if that occurs (e.g. be casual about it, confront the person or just tell them thanks but no thanks, don't come back).
And stockticker, thanks for that thread. I had missed it and there are a lot of sentiments on there that I can relate to.
________
I never had one, and I didn't want one, and I don't, so now I do...
[ edited by netlawhopeful on Oct 30, 2000 05:57 AM ]
posted on October 30, 2000 06:59:28 AM new
I have experienced broken friendships too, and it hurts.
what I can do to make myself feel better
My advice would be to meet people, make some new contacts and new friends. Do things that you enjoy, try to keep a smile on your face, and move on. Time does heal.
what to do when and if the person eventually makes contact again
I also know from experience that it will likely be uncomfortable for both of you, at least for a while. And, it may never be the same as it was again, so you should prepare for that possiblility.
posted on October 30, 2000 07:27:26 AM new
Hi Netlawhopeful It's good to see you again.
It sounds like your friend has a lot of issues to work through that don't have anything to do with you. I would spend the time apart rethinking the friendship and whether the good can outweigh the bad in a future relationship with this person. It sounds like they aren't very rational and that can be draining to deal with. It may help to write a personal journal of your feelings about this person - examining your feelings about the relationship, the way the relationship ended, and what you would want or need from a resumed friendship with them.
It may help also to remember poet Meya Angelou (sp?) quote "people will always show you who they are. It's up to you to believe them." (Paraphrased)
posted on October 30, 2000 07:34:36 AM new
I tell my son that one of the few advantages to being an adult is being able to pick who you want to be friends with. In school, you have to be nice to everyone and get along. However, once you are grown and you meet someone who you feel does not mesh well with you, you have the option of not being friends with them.
For example, I had a friend who has some psychological problems. She has a tendency to lash out before hearing all the sides of a story. Then, of course, she blames her explosions on her condition and apologizes. Now, how often is someone supposed to put up with being unfairly berated before the apolgies start wearing thin? I had to distance myself from her because her behavior was not positive for me. I truly wanted to be supportive, but I have a responsibility to myself and my family that has to come first.
I would highly recommend signing up for classes somewhere locally where you can meet people with similar interests and start building new friendships. It becomes more difficult as you get older, but not impossible.
*****************
That's Flunky Gerbiltush to you!
posted on October 30, 2000 09:30:03 AM new
Sorry, netlaw - I addressed only one issue. I guess as to your other question (whether to resume the relationship if and when the other party comes a-calling), my answer's the same: "write it off, move on and not look back". This is NOT a situation which you can control, nor can you predict the future.
I'd concern myself with (a) getting on with life and (b) confront the issue when it actually arises. If my having BTDT is any indication, if and when (b) finally occurs, you'l discover that your having done (a) will have changed your viewpoint considerably from what it was last week, is today, or will be a month from now. IOW, stay in the present.
posted on October 30, 2000 11:06:19 AM new
Netlawhopeful - I'm not sure what you are asking. Are you trying to determine whether you will "forgive" this friend for not forgiving you and continuing to give you her support should she eventually want to become friends again.
Are you saying that you asked a lot of her and that she willingly gave you what you needed. However, when she had problems of her own and needed support herself, your problems were so overwhelming, that you could only think of yourself and ignore her needs?
Do you want to hurt her as she seems to have hurt you? Are you looking for reasons to accept her friendship rather than hurting her?
Believe me, hurting someone as they've hurt you won't make you feel any better. I've done that myself and lost some wonderful friends. That course of action only leads to tremendous regrets.
Remember, she was hurt by you as you are now being hurt.
Forget the bad, remember the good, respect her wishes and if she offers her friendship again, welcome her with open arms. Life's too short to hold grudges.
posted on October 30, 2000 11:36:57 AM new
Hi again everybody, I am once again so surprised and pleased by all the good common sense responses. I especially appreciated hearing about the other people who have depression or other issues because most of what you are saying sounds really familiar (need for distance, blaming some unacceptable behavior on the illness, lashing out unfairly etc.). It's not really a question of "forgiveness" as I do not hold a grudge, the good outweighed the bad for too long to go that route and the harder part is forgiving myself. I'm just trying to reasonably evaluate whether I could handle being back in the situation and to what degree. The blowup was partly based on the fact that I felt I was giving and giving and not getting enough back and given the increased stress in my life, I couldn't continue. I felt bad and guilty for needing more from a person who was also undergoing stress but I also felt that I had to look out for myself. I didn't expect such a strong reaction from the other party and yes I do blame myself. At any rate it's good to hear suggestions from all of you because they are always full of common sense. Thanks SO much!
________
I never had one, and I didn't want one, and I don't, so now I do...
posted on October 30, 2000 01:12:00 PM new
Thanks Stockticker, for reposting that thread of mine...I re read it, and it brought back some feelings I had buried pretty much.
netlaw...good luck with whatever you decide to do. Only thing I can tell you is after a time, you can move on, and others who were there step up to the front so youre not so lonely missing the one you considered friend. All I can tell you, from my own perspective and experience, is just move on. Nothing more you can do, and by the time the other decides (if ever) to accept you again, it may be too late, and sometimes, it isnt anyones fault that its too late, it just is. Your other friends sound nice...they are not putting in two cents to damage what was damaged and continues to be fragile. Hang on to them...they are true friends to you both.
posted on October 30, 2000 03:08:52 PM new
Newlaw: My first husband had an affair with my best friend. So not only did I lose my husband, but I lost my best friend, too - along with all the secrets best friends share. I ended up missing my best friend more than my husband. Bummer, eh?
I think the best thing for you to do about your friend is to leave him/her alone. Cut off contact, and put him/her out of your mind as best you can. One of two things will happen: Time heals all wounds, or time wounds all heels. Get it?
posted on October 30, 2000 06:06:36 PM new
Netlaw: I was thinking about your other thread the other day (the one about the now famous jerk). I wanted to tell you that I too contacted an ex jerk...er...boyfriend (actually, the very one I used as an example in that thread). I have been pleasently suprised. I've gotten answers to questions that had bothered me for years. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that your thread really got me on the road to doing something I'd wanted to do for a long time.
As for the friend thing: Oh boy, do I hear you!! Been There, Done That. The best you can do is try and make ammends. However, just because you say you are sorry doesn't mean the other person has to accept it (or they can accept it, but chose not to be your friend anymore). That really sucks, because with good friends it seems that most things can be forgiven. On the other hand, we can't expect more from someone than they are willing or able to give.
You say that this friend has 'bad mouthed' you to other friends. It sounds trite, but why would you want to be friends with someone who does that? Sure, that person may be a blast to be with, but as a true friend she/he sounds like they are not worth the fall out.
I also know what you mean about expending so much of yourself to the point that you just don't have more to give and/or expecting the same from someone else. I am currently in a similar situation with my best friend. I know it isn't her fault that her life is crazed right now (she is in law school in another state, just got engaged, AND was recently diagnosed with blood clots in her legs). I am doing my best to be there for her, but my life is doing a flip-flop right now so I don't have much to give. Luckily, she understands this and appreciates what I can give her.
She and I were talking the other day and the subject came up and I realized that we would both do just about anything for each other, and we both know that. That is why we are so careful about asking for things because we know the other one would not hesitate to do it. Hmmm....that was clear as mud. For example, she knows I would drop everything and be on a plane to Oklahoma in an hour if she needed me there. Therefore, she wouldn't ask unless she *really* needed me. I know she would walk out on her own wedding if I needed her to, therefore I would never ask her to.
You have to be very careful of people that don't hesitate to ask you for the world knowing that you will give it to them. You have to know that they would do the same for you. From what you have said it doesn't seem that your friend is able to do that for you right now. If you do patch up the relationship that is something you need to be aware of.
