posted on February 13, 2001 07:46:32 AM new
I am married to the World's Second Pickiest Eater (my sister married the top guy!), and I badly need a dose of inspiration.
My husband is insulin-dependent diabetic, 49 years old, and quite a bit overweight. My son is 16 years old, 6'2", active (plays football), weighs a bit more than he should but is in good health overall.
In both our families, heart disease runs rampant. Both sets of parents and all four of my grandparents died of heart disease. My mother was 47 (my current age) when she had her fatal heart attack.
My husband grew up in a country Southern family, eating fried meats with cream gravy, lots of potatoes, everything salted to the point of inedibility, and very little else. I cooked to please his tastes for most of our married life, but over the past five years I've been concerned enough about our health to start making changes in the way I cook.
He is quietly, stubbornly resisting. And lately, his discontent is escalating.
I am having real difficulties working a healthy diet around a man who will not eat vegetables other than potatoes, who doesn't think it's dinner unless there is at least 3/4 pound of meat per person, and refuses to experiment with any new flavors.
How bad is it?
Beef and vegetable stew (beef tips, tomatoes, corn, green beans, brown rice, chickpeas, carrots): He sees the chickpeas and carrots, picks out all the bits of beef in the pot, eats those, and then gets a peanut butter sandwich "to round out dinner."
Last night, I made a 2-pound pot roast with noodles and gravy. I had a serving of noodles, about 3 ounces of meat, and lots of the carrots and green beans, plus a green salad. Neither of the two men ate vegetables (my son ate salad, my husband did not), and there was no roast beef or gravy left after dinner.
Lately he's begun to refuse to eat anything that even whiffs of garlic or herbs. He won't complain, just pushes the plate away and gets a spoon and a jar of peanut butter or a bologna sandwich. He comes home from work and eats three or four hot dogs, plain, straight out of the refrigerator, and calls it a snack, saying he's too hungry to wait until dinner. Then, of course, he has an excuse not to eat what I've cooked.
Chicken soup? Fill the bowl with chicken pieces (working around all the veggies, of course), ladle about half a cup of broth over it, then crush half a stack of saltine crackers into the bowl.
He will eat fruit, although not in combination with meat dishes. "Fruit" is a banana sliced into a bowl and topped with Cool Whip, or a glass of orange juice. He will eat apples and grapes unadorned, though.
No mushrooms. No peppers. No onions or garlic. No lemon juice or vinegar or spices. Just salt, and lots of it.
No green vegetables in any form, no any kind of vegetables in any form. Except potatoes. And plain white rice with butter. No peas, no beans, no grains.
Bread must be the square squishy white kind. Cheese must be either Velveeta or Kraft American singles.
I've run out of ways to fry beef and cream potatoes. I'm tired of either cooking two dinners or throwing away half of what I've tried to make palatable and reasonably well-balanced. It isn't healthy for him or our son, and I'm no longer willing to compromise my health for the sake of his double-bacon-cheeseburger-and-french-fries-is-a-balanced-meal tastebuds.
I'd write a cookbook on how to please the Worlds' Second Pickiest Eater, but I can't find anyone willing to publish a 3x5 index card. LOL
Maybe I just need a sympathetic ear, but if anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them.
signed,
At Wit's End in the Kitchen
ps - other than this huge thing, he's a great husband. So divorce, while sometimes an appealing idea, would be kind of like using a welding torch in the bathroom to get rid of soap scum. Sigh.
posted on February 13, 2001 08:31:43 AM new
Morning SilkMoth - My husband too is diabetic. He was diagnosed almost three years ago. He's on medication now. My suggestions???
Try and work out a compromise with him. See if he'll agree to eat just one 'different' meal you prepare just one day a week (to begin with). Then make it a healthy one.
I bought three cook books when my DH was diagnosed.
The Art of Cooking For The Diabetic. It has 375 delicious recipes in it.
Simply Delicious Recipes for Diabetics.....and
Diabetic Cookies (cook book - you just use different non-sugar sugars instead of regular).
While my husband was a very picky eater too, I've found that he enjoys many of the meals I've prepared from these books. But then he was different from your husband in that his sugar levels were so high I think the doctors message hit home to him real quick. He was ready to make some changes.
We also went to a diabetic nutritionist. We were told that any well balanced meal, eaten in moderation is a good one for diabetics. The current 'think' seems to be that reducing portion sizes are very important. Also suggested was eating 5-6 small meals a day, rather than 2-3 larger ones as it keeps the blood suger level more steady.
On your husband liking gravy so much, I did find a gravy mix that tastes great and you don't need the fat from any source to make it. The nutritionist recommend it.
To me it sure sounds like you're trying to help him in whatever way you can, but he's not appreciating it. If mine were to continue to do that, I'd probably just leave him alone. We all handle our issues/problems the way we choose. Maybe he's just not ready to make these changes yet. Change is hard for some.
posted on February 13, 2001 08:31:50 AM new
You have my sympathy. My husband is a Texan who thinks everything should be cooked in bacon grease. He will eat "greens" mustard, turnip ect, but they have to have bacon grease. There is only one bean, the Pinto. There are two vegetables worth eating, corn and okra. The okra needs to be fried. He likes beef and pork, chicken is ok if it's fried. Fruit has to be baked in a pie. His favorite pie however, is what my mother-in-law called a chess pie. Her receipe is nothing but sugar, eggs and whole milk. I call it Heart Attack Pie.
When he finally has his heart attack I will look for a new husband in a Health food store.
posted on February 13, 2001 08:37:08 AM new
december3 - LOL@ I will look for a new husband in a Health food store. Very good.
It is so hard, when we love someone, and they won't do what we think is in their best interests. But, hey they're grown-ups too and most capable of making their own choices.
posted on February 13, 2001 08:43:46 AM new
The first thing you might want to try doing is getting rid of all "snacky" type foods in the house ~ peanut butter, hot dogs, cool whip, etc. Just toss it all out and make sure you do it on trash day so there's no chance of changing your mind. It's not good for him, it's not good for you. You may not get him to eat garlic or other spices.. and only salt, so dump all the salt into the trash and go out and buy salt substitute and fill the shakers with that. When you cook food, cook it in the portions that are healthy and recommended in whatever cookbooks you are using. Then you cook that, including the veggies and serve. If you want spices and he doesn't? Put his on his plate and then add the spices to yours right before serving yourself. Let him add "salt" at the table. Otherwise, it'll be bland for him. If he's "starving" because you didn't give him enough food.. then you can tell him that the veggies he passed on would have filled him up. He won't be able to go snacking to fill up.. unless he decides to go grocery shopping. *in that case, once it's comes home, just throw it out*.
When he starts to complain just inform him, that you want to live to see your grand children and great grand children. You want him to live long enough for you two to take a 50th wedding anniversary cruise to _________ (fill in the blank) and with the way things have been... neither of you are going to make it to those goals.
It doesn't have to be hard and you don't have to be at wits end. The cookbook ideas that others have suggested are a great idea.. but the main problem .. right now, is you taking charge of what kind of food is coming into the house and being eaten. And the easiest way to take charge of that is to just throw it out and get it out of your life that way.
posted on February 13, 2001 08:52:22 AM new
I know how you feel, my husband is also a picky eater, has high blood pressure, and cholesterol that leaves a lot to be desired. There really isn't much you can do if they are determined to eat a poor diet.
I do lay guilt on my husband. He is one of the few people that I know that really doesn't mind dropping down dead. He just figures he will never know so what's the problem? So I lay it on thick about leaving me to face everything alone, blah, blah, blah. And this does work for me. He does try hard to be good.
One thing I do not do. I do not have any of the foods that you mentioned in the house. NO hotdogs, processed meats, no butter, no junk food. If he wants it, he has to go get it himself. If he complains, I just tell him: "too bad. Go get it." He never has but I know he sneaks Burger King in when I'm not around.
I buy only low fat everything. Most of them are quite good now. I use no fat sour cream mixed with low fat mayo in tuna salads and things like that and he never knew the difference.
Maybe you can start with small steps and not say anything to your husband and see if he notices.
I wish you the best of luck, and remember, a little bit of guilt never hurt anybody.
posted on February 13, 2001 08:52:46 AM new
Linda_K: THe silly man has been insulin-dependent diabetic for 38 of his 49 years.
At the time he became diabetic, the medical thinking was that dietary fat didn't matter, excess protein didn't matter, just stay off sugar in any form and severely limit bread and starch. (Remember when a "diet plate" was a half peach in heavy syrup, a plain hamburger patty, and a scoop of cottage cheese?) Even to this day, sugar isn't a major problem for him; it's all the other stuff that I'm worried about now.
I've done the registered dietician thing. I've talked with the nurse practicioner at his doctor's office. His blood sugars are consistently somewhat higher than they should be, but he is skilled enough in insulin manipulation that he can handle any elevated blood sugars within an hour or two. (Of course, with the excess insulin, the excess calories go straight to fat.) He doesn't seem, at this point, to have cardiovascular problems. However, we both watched his father descend into a sad and demented twilight after years of high blood pressure and mini-strokes robbed him of his mind.
That's what frightens me more than a heart attack.
Back on subject: So do I go on cooking two separate meals every night?
posted on February 13, 2001 08:58:25 AM new
rosiebud and helnjoe, you guys posted while I was typing.
I will keep trying, one step at a time, but at the moment I feel that I'm fighting a losing battle.
rosiebud, he's a proud, stubborn, and determined man. If he wants peanut butter, hot dogs, etc, I can't stop him any more than I can stop my son from consuming chips and cokes when he is with his friends.
I already keep the house free of a lot of bad stuff. I know he (husband) will stop at the QuickMart on the way to work to buy "breakfast" (peanut butter cookies and a Diet Mt Dew), so I know I can't stop him eating everything bad.
I guess I'll just keep cooking good stuff for me and try to make his meals a bit less damning.
posted on February 13, 2001 09:02:07 AM new
I would be tempted to simply make myself the healthly dinner and let the men fend for themselves. Switch to turkey hot dogs/bologna, low salt/fat peanut butter etc so when they cruise the cupboards their choices are limited. It is amazing what someone will eat when they are really hungry (Survivor Island).
It took me 20 years to convince my husband that every meal did not require meat. He still balks, but he eats it because that is all that is available. If he is still hungry he makes himself a bowl of cereal.
posted on February 13, 2001 09:14:56 AM new
Good grief! You have a worse problem than I thought.
When my husbands blood pressure got sky high and he would not see a doctor, I just sat down and balled my eyes out and told him how worried I was about him. He went and made an appointment right then and there. If I make him promise not to eat any junk food when he goes out, he keeps his promise, for that day anyway. At least I am lucky that way. He won't lie to me or break a promise. But I have to be very careful how I word it because he will work a "Clinton" on me.(I didn't mean the way that sounded! LOL) I have to cover all the bases or he will find a way to weasel out of it!
I will look for recipes for you and see if I can come up with anything that might be promising.
posted on February 13, 2001 09:27:02 AM newSilkMoth
The cure....Let him observe what happens to diabetics that refuse to change their lifestyles. My mother died in her fifties from the Type 2 diabeties. It was slow, extremely painful(have him imagine all his nerve endings on fire for 24 hours a day, everyday for ten years), lasting about 10 years. In the last year, she went blind in one eye, kidney failure.
Start working on your son, NOW! Such diabeties is hereditary, I have it now. It develops because of being overweight but heredity give one the propensity to develop it.
posted on February 13, 2001 10:04:27 AM new
Mark, you know what's sad?
My husband's beloved cousin, the same age as he, who became diabetic right about the same time - died several years ago when her third kidney transplant failed.
He's seen it, first hand. I think he thinks he's immortal.
You are exactly right about my son, and he's one reason I am so adamant about changing how I cook. His weight's doing well now, but only because he's so active. When he gets older, or goes to college and isn't on the team any more, I hate to think what will happen to his weight.
Helnjoe, I have to tell you that I am at wit's end to even consider posting this much personal "stuff" on a public message board. I'm very uncomfortable.
But I need to talk this out with someone. And I thank you guys for listening and offering suggestions.
posted on February 13, 2001 10:28:13 AM newRosiebud: You are truly a motivater! I am not diabetic, but I am getting larger by the day. I intend to take your advice and chuck the junk and unhealthy things into the trash and take charge of my life. Thanks for the inspiration!
posted on February 13, 2001 10:35:37 AM new
In no way do I mean this to be taken as cold or heartless. Sit him down and explain the importance of taking care of his health. Then, in the same meeting, tell him you are making an appointment with your lawyer to have your will and Living Wills and Durable Power of Attorney's set up. Actually, this is something everyone should do, regardless of your health. The Living Will states your wishes for medical care, and the Durable Power of Attorney names the person to make decisions for you if you cannot communicate. My brother-in-laws Mother spent 2 weeks on a ventilator because she didn't have any of those papers.
Sometimes the cold hard facts of life will help spur someone on to taking better care of themselves. Maybe it won't in this case, but those legal papers need to be taken care of no matter what. Having to talk about such serious matters isn't easy, but it is necessary.
Then, try to get him to try a new meal 2 or 3 times per month. You're bound to hit on something he will like. Change comes slowly, there is no way to make sweeping overnight changes to someones diet. Helping him to realize that his health is important to you as his wife may be a start. After all, does he really want to leave you alone just because he wouldn't take better care of himself? Perhaps reminding him that he doesn't have to totally deprive himself of those things would help too, but he does have to learn to limit them.
Also, don't buy the stuff that he shouldn't be eating. No, you can't control what he buys for himself, but you don't have to help in any way by bringing the stuff in for him. That is just enabling the problem, like an alcholic's wife who brings the liquor in for him. Don't do it.
I agree with the suggestions to supply him with the info about what happens to those who don't control their sugar. Perhaps if he saw first hand the results he would want to change his habits.
posted on February 13, 2001 11:24:34 AM new
bootsnana ~ good luck!
SilkMoth ~ have you considered a diabetic support group type of thing...Perhaps a forum someplace online? The reason I'm asking is that I'm sure you're not the only spouse that has this problem.
posted on February 13, 2001 11:35:51 AM new
rosiebud,
I did spend a bit of time this morning looking for such a group. It's probably out there somewhere, but after wading through dozens of message boards about Lose Weight Now, multi vitamin and herbal supplements, and peons of praise for the Atkins diet, I lost heart.
edited to remove sig line and add: I may call the nurse practicioner back and see if there is a real group that meets in this city somewhere.
posted on February 13, 2001 11:48:20 AM new
Buy some big flashy 'healthy' cookbooks. Read them in front of him and make yummy noises.
When he asks about it---Tell him you are planning menus for your second husband...because you don't want to be a widow for very long.
But to be serious---just let him know you want to grow old with him but you don't see how it is possible for him to be old with you if he isn't willing to change some of his eating habits,
[ edited by Zazzie on Feb 13, 2001 11:50 AM ]
posted on February 13, 2001 11:52:13 AM new
If you have not had the opportunity to read any of Suzanne Somer's Cookbooks, I highly recommend them. While not "diabetic" in nature, she advocates getting rid of all the sugar and starches which would certainly help.
The concept is that you can have proteins and fats, just not combined with carbohydrates. And you can have carbohydrates, just not combined with proteins and fats. Fruits are also kept separate. It's nice because you are not depriving yourself of all your favorite foods. While it can be tricky to set it up, once you do it's very easy to keep up and the recipes are exceptional! They do, however, contain lots of veggies, but with the seasonings and oils you CAN have, they are wonderful.
There are two available: "Eat Great, Lose Weight" and "Get Skinny on Fabulous Food." They are usually priced way below retail on eBay.
I sympathize with you because my husband is a soda/junk food person and it's a constant battle. I'm fortunate my young son loves fruits & veggies and I can keep a closer eye on him. I like the idea of making an appointment to get your affairs in order. Everyone has a different trigger and maybe that will be the one for him.
The last one is Voice of the Diabetic put out by the Diabetes Action Network which is part of the NFB.. it's a free newsletter. I'm not sure where you're located, if the nurse practioner can't answer your question go here:
call them and give them the city/state that you're in and ask if there's a local affiliate ~ if not, ask for the phone number (typically an 800#) of the state president. Through the state president, s/he should be able to get you in contact with members who may have the information that you're looking for (ie: diabetic support group).
posted on February 13, 2001 02:02:00 PM new
Don't nag. It never works. From how you've described him, guilt-tripping at the table will make him defensive & hostile.
Find a non-confrontational way to express your unhappiness with being his widow. It's what finally gave my husband the push to quit smoking after 10 years of truncated efforts.
Also express your desire to occasionally experiment with the menu. I won't cook the same 5 meals over and over, but I will make sure all his favorites make regular appearances. I also used recipe cards to show him different things. I think that they're friendlier and less work for non-cooking men than cookbooks. I'd show him five and ask if anything looked interesting.
Sneaking healthy items into the menu slowly and sporadically. No hooha about it, just letting them be there for him. If you can't get co-operation, I vote for sneaky.
Have you though about pureeing vegetables and working them into the gravy and soup/stew bases? Salt substitutes in the shakers, sugar substitues in the sugar bowl. Maybe make it half/half? I used to almost perform sugury on the meat to remove all the fat for my first husband who had a fetish against fat. More work for you, but cuts down on the fat that makes it to his plate.
Trying to find the least dangerous snack foods and perhaps putting them into different containers so the fact that they are low fat or whatever isn't as obvious.
You can't force him to change, that's obvious. You are happily married, you don't want that to change, you can't let every meal be a battle ground.
He knows how you feel, unless you want to start marriage counseling, you pretty much have to stick to the "rules" that govern your special relationship with the people you love.
He knows the risks, just like smokers who won't/can't quit, he has to choose to change, all you can do is make those changes as attractive as possible and hope like hell he wants to live as long as possible.
posted on February 13, 2001 02:29:25 PM new
Will he eat fish? My husband is also one of the "if it doesn't have meat it isn't a meal" crowd, but he likes fish and will eat it willingly instead of beef, pork, or chicken. Fish has tons of protein and is a healthy alternative which still tastes great.
posted on February 13, 2001 02:38:17 PM new
RainyBear, yes, he will eat fish. With limitations, of course, but it doesn't have to be fried (thank goodness).
Rosiebud, thank you for the links.
Victoria, your suggestions and comments are right on the money. Thank you for good counsel.
Zazzie, I like your style. LOL
And anyone else I missed, thank you for your help too.
posted on February 13, 2001 02:45:09 PM new
I feel really bad for you. If you insist on his doing what is in his own interest it may destroy your relationship. Few people want to be told what to eat when they established other tastes in childhood. I have seen the same thing in my family and am just astonished how long someone can survive without eating anything green. My one uncle will not even eat chicken or fish and when he read that Spam contains chicken he started refusing to eat it claiming it did not before and they had changed it. He now claims it does not taste right anymore. Get the picture?
I hope he has decent insurance and you make sure he keeps it paid up. Sorry to say that so blunt but watch out for yourself if he won't make changes for you or himself.
Besides what rosiebud suggests, also experiment with some low fat cooking methods such as grilling. I know a lot of people who like that George Foreman grill that drains the fat off while cooking meat. Try cooking lower fat meats for him like the lean burger or turkey burger. Always drain the fat off. I put TVP in the chili instead of beef, and no one noticed. Turkey dogs, or low fat dogs. If he likes refried beans, El Rio has refried black beans - totally tasty. Or get the vegetarian or low fat refried beans.
And I have to say, I think white bread is one of the yuckiest things in the world. EWWWW!
posted on February 13, 2001 03:00:47 PM new
That reminds me, I once had a tofu hot dog which looked and tasted just like a real hot dog. In fact, it was so similar that (since I don't like hot dogs) I couldn't eat it! Try slipping him one of those sometime. Add a lot of ketchup and relish for added disguise.
Edited to add: Although I couldn't tell the difference, I was at a picnic at a local animal rescue place a couple of years ago, and the organizers tried to get everyone's dogs to chase after tofu weenies. The dogs took one sniff and turned their noses right up and walked away!
[ edited by RainyBear on Feb 13, 2001 03:03 PM ]
posted on February 13, 2001 03:33:30 PM new
My 1st hand experience with meat substitutes is exactly the opposite.
My daughter got one of those at a buffet, and spit it out. I tried it was much less obvious when I spit it out too.
She definitely could tell the difference. My tastebuds tell me that hamburger mixed with soy tastes "tainted". As for turkey burger, the texture is soft and it tastes funny too.
A true carnivore can tell when the meat is adulturated. And I think Mr SilkMoth could tell too.
posted on August 28, 2001 03:58:02 PM new
SilkMoth,
Here's one that's low fat, not sure about sugar content-the teriyaki sauce has high fructose corn syrup and wine in it. Maybe you can find it without:
Orange Chicken
6-8 chicken thighs or other pieces
6 oz. orange juice concentrate, thawed
1/4 cup teriyaki sauce
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1 Tbsp. dried onion flakes
salt and pepper (optional, but not needed)
Mix all ingredients for marinade. Pour over chicken pieces and refrigerate, covered, for 6-8 hours. Bake uncovered, at 350* for 30 minutes, basting occasionally. Turn heat up to 425* and bake another 15 minutes to brown lightly. Sauce can be served over rice or noodles, if desired.
I think he'll eat it and it's really easy to make. If I can think of any more, I'll post them.
