tinkerbell40
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posted on May 23, 2001 02:17:48 PM new
I have been working for about 2 months in a large corporation. I have had to have contact with someone that makes me feel entirely uncomfortable. I try to avoid this man as much as possible.Which is hard to do because I have to work closely with him at times. He looks at me, and I swear it is more like staring at me like he is looking right thru me. It's creepy. He has never said or done anything inappropriate. I feel when I am around him that there is something he wants to say But he hasn't said anything. However he makes me feel really self conscius. I don't like the way he makes me feel. I have never given him any reason to behave this way. And I don't know how to react to it. Is this a form of harrasment? I don't know what to make of it. And I am afraid to say anything to him.
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mtnmama
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posted on May 23, 2001 02:42:30 PM new
No, I wouldn't consider this as harrassment on his part right now. He's not doing or saying anything innapropriate.
Are you having feelings for him that you can't pinpoint?
Don't accuse him of anything. If you have a supervisor you're close to, ask if perhaps he/she can partner you with someone else. Don't tell the supervisor that this person is making you uncomfortable, because that's pointing a finger. Tell he or she you feel uncomfortable.
Is there more to this than your telling? Maybe he's looking at your strangely because of your behavior towards him. Maybe your not aware of any strange behavior you may be exhibiting. Maybe the guy is scared to death of you! LOL!
Seriously, he's probably wondering why you shy away from him.
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gravid
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posted on May 23, 2001 02:45:32 PM new
Wish you would tell more. It sounds so far like you don't like his facial expressions which is pretty hard to put forward as a complaint if he does not say anything wrong or do anything wrong. I mean he is not staring at your body like he is checking it out is he?
Are you sure he is not from another culture or mentally ill where his face is not what you expect?
I have worked with some real characters. One Indian man I worked with was sort of goggle eyed like someone that has thyroid disease and constantly held his lips puckered like he was ready to kiss or had just sucked a lemon.
The effect was like he was always waiting to say something. When I saw his son that was about 8 I had the hardest time not laughing because the kid was the same way.
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margot
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posted on May 23, 2001 02:53:05 PM new
Unless he says something to you or touches you, I don't think there is anything you can do. If someone else can witness this "look" he gives you and is willing to help you, then you can/should speak to your immediate boss...but if he's your boss, then go to his boss. He maybe wanting to make you feel uncomfortable for some reason and this is just short of harrasment. Check out the office dynamics. Is your presence threatening to this guy? Did he not get a promotion or something because you are now working there? If you can, find out what other female workers think of this guy. This just maybe the way he is and it goes no further. Good luck.
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twinsoft
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posted on May 23, 2001 02:56:16 PM new
Perhaps the person is unaware that he is staring. Try asking him, "is there something bothering you?" in a nice (concerned) tone. If he says, "No, why?" you can say, "I thought you were staring at me."
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uaru
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posted on May 23, 2001 03:03:43 PM new
tinkerbell40 Is this a form of harrasment?
I hope that isn't harassment. You admit he's has never said or done anything inappropriate. I don't know what I'd do if a new employee came to me with problems of 'bad vibes' about another employee.
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HJW
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posted on May 23, 2001 03:20:27 PM new
tinkerbell, 
Maybe he is an extraterrestrial being.
Helen
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RainyBear
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posted on May 23, 2001 03:23:43 PM new
LOL... I like Helen's theory.
No, I don't think it's harrassment. It sounds like he's just creepy.
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gravid
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posted on May 23, 2001 03:27:26 PM new
If it IS harassment it is very sophisticated and tricky. You might be suckered into making a complaint that can't be substantiated and that could really harm you.
I once meet a fellow who just drilled eyeball to eyeball with his gaze when he met me but after he called me by name every other sentence it soon became abvious what was wrong and after about 10 minutes I told him I knew he had just finished the Dale Carnegie course but could he throttle it back a bit?
He was surprised - " Oh how could you tell?"
Uh-huh.
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uaru
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posted on May 23, 2001 03:30:25 PM new
I told him I knew he had just finished the Dale Carnegie course but could he throttle it back a bit? He was surprised - " Oh how could you tell?" Uh-huh.
LOL, that was good, my best chuckle of the day so far.
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HJW
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posted on May 23, 2001 03:34:52 PM new
tinkerbell,
If he expresses a wish to beam you up, you should exit quickly.
Helen
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tinkerbell40
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posted on May 23, 2001 04:04:56 PM new
Gravid,
That is one of the ways I feel around him. Like he is a dirty old man. But he is not old. If when I encountered him he would at least say hi or something instead of just staring and oggling. I would feel more comfortable. I do shy away from him. Because I am scared. Not though scared in the way that he is going to harm me. Scared in another way.
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RainyBear
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posted on May 23, 2001 04:15:41 PM new
If he doesn't say hi to you but just stares, maybe it would help if you spoke to him first. That would force him to confront you rather than just giving you "the gaze."
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reamond
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posted on May 23, 2001 04:48:29 PM new
Leering can be considered an element of sexual harassment, and in many cases, where it first begins. But I would want more objective evidence before I would risk my job or career.
Stay professional, try to work through the "leering". If it escalates to improper comments of touching, document each occurance and notify the proper person in the company, and your lawyer, immediately.
If your company is large enough to have an employee manual, sexual harassment may be explained in it. If you are in a large metro area, there should be some educational resources on the subject. A good place to inquire is a local woman's professional organization. Also call your local Bar association and ask if they have any educational material regarding sexual harassment.
It may sound strange that an adult needs to be told what sexual harassment is, but there is a legal componet that must be addressed. Being denied a proper work environment, and/or denied advancement, or getting fired or leaving your job due to stress are sometimes where the victim finds themselves.
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HJW
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posted on May 23, 2001 04:53:23 PM new
tinkerbell,
Actually, I am so familiar with the problem that you are bringing to this board.
the stare...
And I have known the eyes already, known them all:-
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?
Do you like poetry?
Helen
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mint4you
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posted on May 23, 2001 05:02:39 PM new
uhh...ohhhh.
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HJW
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posted on May 23, 2001 05:05:11 PM new
uh huh
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lotsafuzz
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posted on May 23, 2001 05:43:31 PM new
I know well the feeling you are expressing. Had the same feeling any time I was around the boyfriends old best friend (from high school) . In my case it did escalate into something VERY innapropriate (namely him grabbing me while the boyfriend was asleep in the next room).
I very much agree with others who have said that this person may NOT be thinking anything 'off' (be it cultural, mental, or 'unfourtunate genes' ) and I wouldn't rush to file a complant.
HOWEVER, having experienced that 'icky' feeling I understand how it can affect you and I would suggest trying to find another work partner or assignment in the company. Again, NOT saying this guy is doing anything wrong, but I think it would make you feel better to be out of a situation that makes you that uncomfortable.
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gravid
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posted on May 23, 2001 05:45:12 PM new
Then there are people who look flipped out without any sexual angle to it at all. Our neighbors used to have a character in all the time who was a fundamentalist and tax protester and he seemed to be in the continual grip if religious fervor. He have this constant crazed smile and wide open eyes and when he would start telling you about what the Lord had told him lately he would start rocking back and forward in his chair very much like the Jews I have seen praying on TV at the wall in Jerusalem. It was really scary . He would cock his head to the side a little at the end of each emphatic statement to reinforse his statement. When the sun went behind the cloads he would comment that the Lord took the sun away. He seemed to think God ran a real time program to pick where all the cloud shadows would go. Concentrating on unbelievers I suppose.
He ended up doing 6 or 7 years in the pen for tax evasion. With that face he was probably pretty safe in prison.
[ edited by gravid on May 23, 2001 05:46 PM ]
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zoomin
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posted on May 23, 2001 06:39:01 PM new
Are you a lady?
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kcpick4u
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posted on May 23, 2001 06:46:18 PM new
Try a smile on him!
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rancher24
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posted on May 23, 2001 06:53:07 PM new
Back in my corporate days I knew many a borderline harasser: the "stand way to close" guy, the innuendo guy, the "hey my eyes are up here, buddy" guy, just to name a few. You have to be strong & put on the "don't even think of messin' with me" attitude. Someone above suggested talking first, that's a good start. Muster up all the confidence & attitude (see above ref attitude type) you can (and you CAN) stand tall and strong and let him know, nonverbally-just like he's doin', that you are NOT gonna take it!....
Unless he says something inappropriate or actually touches you in an inappropriate manner, in front of a witness, harassment is extrememly diffucult to prove, and very unfortunately, usually tarnishes the complainer more than the harasser. It's a tough world out there & sometimes you just gotta make a stand!....
Good Luck
~ Rancher
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hepburn
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posted on May 23, 2001 07:37:44 PM new
Maybe he is staring at you because hes shy and finds you attractive? Like, tongue tied and not knowing what to say?
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sulyn1950
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posted on May 23, 2001 09:11:22 PM new
I belong to a service organization that has a member who "stared" a hole right through me, made me feel like I was under a microscope and I wasn't really sure how to take it. Then, I noticed he did that to everyone. Just hung back in the background and stared! I decided it was just his nature and never gave it another thought. It still makes some of the other's uncomfortable, but he has never once been out of line with anyone that any of us know about and although he will never get an award from friendliness, he is a very hard worker.
I would probably give this guy the benefit of the doubt until/if he said or did something that was unmistakably out of line.
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MrsSantaClaus
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posted on May 23, 2001 09:55:08 PM new
Maybe he is just high and really thinks that the tiny bit of fuzz on the back of your shirt is actually a puppy dancing a polka!
Just a thought ....
Then again, you could ask Cleo. She is my good friend. Really. She emailed me twice already.
Becky
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mtnmama
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posted on May 24, 2001 05:23:00 AM new
Just another thought.
What kind of work do you do and how do you dress?
Do you dress casual? Does he wear a suit and tie?
If you dress casually and he's dressed for success or vice versa, perhaps he's trying to tell you something.
He may also be looking at you to see if you understand what he's saying, especially since you're new. Maybe your look tells him you don't understand (while you really are scared).
Why not be professional and just say, "You know (name) I feel very uncomfortable when you stare at me like that. Is there something wrong?" Don't say it mean or accusing. Be very light. It may stop him or he may tell you why he stares or he may be unaware of it.
Not knowing everything it's hard for us to speculate. If we were there, we could probably pinpoint it for you a little better.
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zilvy
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posted on May 24, 2001 08:36:50 AM new
Becky, Becky, Becky, you are just gonna have to come down from that "HIGH ON LIFE" air you are breathing....LOL too funny.
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gs4
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posted on May 24, 2001 04:10:29 PM new
He might just be the shy type and you are making him nervous.
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dman3
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posted on May 24, 2001 05:11:23 PM new
Well I dont know where I work must be unusual But In the companies Policy if a male or female stares at someone of the oposite sex, ( more then a breif look up as a person pases by prolonged stareing over a peroid of time) it is concidered not only harrasment but sexual harrasment.
No need for words or other incidences .
This goes for office help as well as production and hourly help.
and according to company policy if one complains the person is concidered guilty untill or inless there is a good reason for stareing.
http://www.Dman-N-Company.com
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HJW
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posted on May 24, 2001 06:35:12 PM new
Hi, Dman3
I think that today, most schools and companies such as yours have a tough policy on sexual abuse with grievance procedures for resolving complaints. When I worked and went to school a few years ago, there was no such policy. Women dealt with harassment alone.
Most capable adults, working for a large corporation such as the one described in this thread should be able to handle the problem without appealing for help elsewhere.
Helen
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