posted on May 6, 2002 03:20:10 PM new
A good lesson perhaps. Spouse, in desperate attempt to raise capital for medical bills goes to Vegas and loses it all. Oops!
posted on May 9, 2002 12:36:48 PM new
I wanted to bump this up again to see how you're making out Valleygirl. I think it helps to talk, so I hope you'll continue and let us know how things are.
posted on May 9, 2002 07:23:42 PM new
You all have been so very kind.
He sleeps all the time, if we take him by the hand, he'll mumble something, but not much more. His heart slowed way down twice, enough that it sounded the alarm at the nurses station. I thought he only had two bedsores, but mom told me that he now has 5. The two worst are deep enough that the bone is exposed.
One Dr told me he had only "weeks" left, another one told my brother, "maybe months". When I started this thread, death appeared imminent, but he rallied slightly.
My mother sits by his bedside 15 hours a day, trying to feed him, holding his hand. I have seen true love and it is my parents in these final weeks or days.
Not my name on ebay.
posted on June 21, 2002 12:32:10 AM new
My dad gave up his gallant fight yesterday.
You may recall in my prior posts, that I called my sister to come from Florida. I thought dad was so bad, that she needed to visit. She got here about three weeks ago, and dad rallied. He did better, started eating again and even joked a little. He actually started refusing pain medication to stay awake to visit with family.
Then, he started going slightly downhill again. He had several transfusions in the last two weeks, but his blood levels kept going down.
Yesterday, he was scheduled for surgery to skin graft the worst of his bed sores.
Mom got to the hospital around 6 a.m. This was her normal time to feed him breakfast, but because he was scheduled for surgery at 2 p.m., he couldn't eat or drink anything. Mom and dad talked, and dad slept a little.
My brother called around 8 a.m. and told dad he and my niece would be there around 10 a.m. and stay until he had his surgery.
Then around 9 a.m., my sister called my mother from the hotel and asked mom to come get her at the hotel.
Mom kissed dad, told him she loved him and she would be back in around 20 minutes.
When mom and my sister got back, my sister noticed that dad was unusually pale. Closer inspection and she realized he wasn't breathing. My sister called for help, and the staff responded immediately and gave dad all they could. But he was gone.
It appears dad died after mom left. I've been reading "Final Gifts" written by hospice nurses, and it so fits in with what I have been seeing dad doing lately.
The nurses had checked all his vital signs around the time mom left to get my sister. Nothing was unusual.
Dad waiting until mom left to spare her the pain of being alone when he died. He waited until he knew mom would have her support system in place, my brother got to the hospital at the same time as my sister and mom returned from the hotel. And my uncle (dad's brother) got there just as they called "code blue".
As soon as "code blue" was called, my sister called my husband at work. He left immediately to tell me, but by the time he got to my office, dad had been pronounced.
posted on June 21, 2002 12:53:48 AM new
Valleygirl,
You have my deepest sympathy. You have been through Hell. I know, I've been there.
Right now I think you are worried sick about your mother but remember to take care of yourself, too.
Your mother will probably feel guilty for not being there when your father's spirit left his body. Keep emphasizing to her that he wanted to spare her out of his love for her and you kids. I know, you aren't a kid but your mother still thinks so.
With time it WILL get better and you will heal! Just believe that he is free from his pain, free of his earthly bounds, finally at peace and looking down on all of you.
posted on June 21, 2002 06:40:27 AM new
Valleygirl,
My prayers and sympathy are most certainly with you right now in this time of sorrow. Experiencing the loss of a parent can be devastating. If you ever feel the need to talk some more, please e-mail me.
posted on June 21, 2002 11:27:27 AM new
What a courageous father Valleygirl. You must take after your dad. I believe in an afterlife, so try to picture him all healthy and laughing...the same way he wants to picture you while he's away. I hope you're OK.
posted on June 21, 2002 06:25:35 PM new
All the "kids" were visiting dad on Saturday before Father's Day. We went to the mall adjacent to the hospital and went to a photo studio. My sister, brother and I all had our picture taken together, put it in a frame and gave it to dad for his gift. We placed a nail in the wall of the hospital room and hung the picture. Dad smiled and mom said he commented on it the morning he died. We are burying the picture with him.
posted on June 21, 2002 09:27:43 PM new
Valleygirl, I can truely say that I know how you feel. My mom lost her fight to cancer on May 31st, just right at midnight. She died with me holding her. Our family was gathered around her bed and she took her last breath. I will miss her more than I could miss anybody in the whole world. For me, it is hard to think of her last days, rather than the fact that she has flown her body. While not in much pain, her world closed down to the size of the house, then the size of her room, then to just her bed and in the end, a hospital bed with catheter and oxygen mask and pain meds so srtong that she couldn't move her muscels or eyelids. As far as I can remember of my 44 years, she never once said a bad word about anybody but Republicans, and even then, it was anger at their antics to deprive people of their rights and dignity while generously helping themselves to the public coffers. Even the few times that I recall her being angry, she was angry for the same reason: that people do not treat other people nicely. I think that she was a saint. I will miss her greatly until my time comes.
posted on June 21, 2002 10:31:44 PM new
I just need to say my prayers are with you both, reading this thread has about got me crying, PLEASE take care of yourself as the rest will wear you out and then you will be no help, you have too!!!
My favorite saying given to me by my mom sits on my dresser to see each day;
"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much" Mother Teresa
Hang in there we all have you and boillar in our thoughts!!! You two take care.
posted on June 22, 2002 09:29:26 PM new
Borillar, my deepest sympathy to you and your family. You sound like you were very close to your mom. There's something special about a son's relationship with his mother, and I can understand how much you'll miss her.
posted on June 23, 2002 12:18:58 AM new
Thank you, folks. I was close to my mom because she was quite special. A Depression Era person, she grew up with FDR as President and believed that government was there for the good of everyone, although it hadn't always been so. She married for 54 years and raised three kids and kept a spotlessly clean house and had meals ready for everyone and took care of all of us without complaint - unless we weren't treating each other right. I guess that's the only thing that ever got her angry was someone trampling on someone else's rights for fun and profit; she wasn't fond of Republicans for that. She'd stand up to any bully, and my parents were both card-carrying members of the ACLU until the ACLU tried to defned the Nazi' right to free speech. When Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. came through Indianapolis on his famous march to Washington to give that speech that still sends chills down your spine to hear it, they marched with him from one end of that city to the other in support. She also demostrated against the Vietnam conflict right along with the students at rallys at the local colleges and universities. She believed that everyone had inalieable rights that it was wrong for anyone to trample upon, not just government. She marched and demostrated in the 1970's for the Feminist Movement, until the leadership grew corrupt. She deplored domestic violence and believed in the Rule of Law to resolve problems between people. She was a saint that believed in the fundamental goodness of human nature and was always at a loss to understand those who did not display it. I think that she was right.
posted on June 23, 2002 07:18:36 PM new
Valleygirl, and Borillar
I am crying for you and with you, you are not alone.
I have "blown" my nose and wiped the tears away several times as I read this thread.
My Mom died of cancer last sept. and she was and always will be my best friend. we were very very close to one another.
She was only 57 yrs old. so so young.
I am so thankful for my 2 grandmothers, 1 is 90 {dads mom} and the other is 84{moms mom}. I cherish every single moment with them, and we help each other out with our healing.
Please know that we are here for you both and you can come and talk about what ever you need to say.
that even means to just come and cry. You will always have my shoulder, and a hug of healing for you.
God is with you, and will never leave you to handle this alone, we care, we touch, we heal, we love.
Thank you for letting me heal some more tonight. Your the BEST !!!!!!!!
posted on June 28, 2002 10:04:00 PM new
Valleygirl. When an event in your life has caused you great sorrow, the sorrow does not have to be the only emotion you feel. Laughter can be a part of your day right along with the tears...it's okay. Please give yourself permission to feel everything you're feeling, now and later. When my father died, a friend told me that I would never miss him any less than I did right at that moment, but that it wouldn't always hurt as much as it did then. I couldn't see how that was possible, but she was right.
Please don't try too hard to always be the caretaker in this. You need cared for also.
It can help to talk to or write to your father while he lives. Spill your guts privately. He doesn't have to hear what you say or read what you write, it's all for you. This is happening to you too, and I'm very sorry about this. I'm sorry there are complications on top of the situation, try not to focus too hard on those things. Try to just feel close to your father. Feeling the love can help get you through it. I think your father knows how much you love him, I'm sure he feels happy knowing that, what better gift from you than that.
posted on June 29, 2002 07:45:51 PM new
I am bumping up this thread, as sad as it is. My point is to remind us all to thank our parents love our loved ones
posted on July 1, 2002 09:44:10 AM new
One more post, then I'll quit. Two stories that came out of this sadness:
Our favorite nurse for dad is Jeanette. The day he died, she wasn't even assigned to him. When the code was called, my mother was trying to stay in a corner of the room. Jeanette came to her and asked her to go out into the lobby with her family. Mom said she wanted to stay, Jeanette said, "I know, but you don't want to see what we have to do". After dad was pronounced, Jeanette came out crying and told mom that was would make dad ready for mom to see him. Jeanette bathed him, shaved him, combed his hair and put his teeth back in. Mom walked in just as Jeanette was talking to dad. Jeanette was saying, "now Papa, you are so pretty for your family, do you know how loved you are?".
That is one special nurse.
Then after we got back to mom's house, we were trying to return the house as best we could to pre-dad-sickness status. We were putting the inside doors back on, taking down the railings, and moving the hospital bed to the garage until the supply company could pick it up. I went into the garage to get a tool to finish the project I was working on and I couldn't find what I needed. My dad has a wonderful set of tools and has everything in place. My first thought was, "I need to call dad and ask him where the tool is". Then I just started sobbing. Where was I going to call? That's when it hit me. I left the garage just sobbing and tried to hide from mom, but she saw me. It took three tries to actually tell her what I was trying to say.
Not my name on ebay.
