posted on February 14, 2004 11:53:16 AM new
I guess we all should start dividing up the assets...Oh but wait! If Barbie is living in California...SHE GETS IT ALL!
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing
at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and
I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for
a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits
gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro
crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my
skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway?
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just
get it done.
6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about
a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature
container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips;
"Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake
fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable
Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.
In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatmen; the #*!@ has EVERYTHING! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that #*!@ to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations- we've talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from Hell will result in action taken by myself and others.
PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe; he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.
Sincerely, Ken
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"I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to the people who sleep under the very blanket of freedom I provide, and then question the manner in which I provide it. I'd rather you just said 'thank you' and went on your way." - A Few Good Men
