posted on August 31, 2001 08:25:29 PM new
As many of my Aw friends know, our son died three years ago (Aug 29th, just marked the 3rd year which is more than 1000 days-- longer than the Korean war, but I digress...) and so I have been running from grief all month-- trying my best to stay on top of things and not sink into depression. I have also been doing a lot of thinking and I have come to the conclusion that losing him has led to a selfish sort of grief anyway. Since he died we have been so wrapped up in what we lost and how we feel that it has almost been a tunnel if you can follow what I am trying to say. I have mourned more for what I don't have than been thankful for what I do have.
So I am trying to change.
I know I sound crazy but I also know that I am probably not alone.
On Wednesday Dylan would have turned three and we went to a local cemetary (not the one he is buried at since we moved away from that town), but this one is a nice old one that I like going to. As we were walking through it I kept seeing family plots where one family had lost 2-3 (or sometimes more) kids and I could see that the parents had lived many more years without their children. They still managed to get up and face the day and so will we.
We've been going out star gazing several times this week. If it is clear out the sky is so amazing. When we see shooting stars my oldest daughter laughs and says that Dylan is playing catch again. So if you step outside tonight (wherever you are), take a good long look!
Okay I don't even know what I am rambling about anymore so I guess I am done.
posted on August 31, 2001 08:40:17 PM new
It is sooo sad when we measure our lives by our loses, but, sometimes the grief takes a lot of time to play out.
If you are able to recognize this trap then I
truly feel you are on your way to turning it around. I have been in the position of losing all of my immediated family in what seemed to be a very short period of time, then dear friends and even dearly loved pets.
All of these loses came on after the other with no time to breath (it felt like) before the next tragedy.
One day I awakened feeling that hollow deep sorrow that goes with loss and realized the reason for this feeling was that I had been lucky and blessed enough to have family and friends to love and from that morning on I spent a good deal of energy honoring their lives. My effort was to give to others, my time, money and physical goods, always with the thought that I was honoring the ones I had lost.
Bless your heart, you will never forget but I hope you can turn the pain to an inner positive action for yourself and those you love.
posted on August 31, 2001 08:41:11 PM new
Well, ashlandtrader, your post made me cry. I hope that one evening soon you'll look up into that starlit sky and see your son's eyes winking at you with every twinkle...
posted on August 31, 2001 08:44:59 PM new
It's so hard to lose the young.
I'm not sure grief is selfish. It's just grief and it's normal. But you're headed in the right direction when you know that you've, "mourned more for what I don't have than been thankful for what I do have." That realization usually comes when you're ready to feel joy again. I sincerely wish you much joy in your life.
posted on August 31, 2001 09:12:49 PM new
I can't imagine the raw pain of losing a child... and, I'm selfish enough to not let myself even try to imagine it.
I have two very good friends who lost their children at young ages.
The first friend's son passed away two years ago. There's no doubt that she'll always carry that pain but she gave her son a wonderful gift by building a small prayer chapel at a favorite Boy Scout camping area and naming it in his memory. In her mind this allows his giving nature to live on. It has brought comfort to a lot of people and just knowing that has brought her enormous comfort.
The second friend lost her son five years ago. She hasn't been able to move past her loss. Her grief controls her life. She's not ready to think of how she can turn her tragedy into something good and I don't know that she'll ever be able to do that.
I'm telling you this not to say that one is better than the other. But, one has found peace because she found a way to give comfort to others through her own grief. The other seems to have wrapped herself so tightly in her grief that she smothers anyone who tries to help her.
I wasn't able to afford a chapel or to raise funds for anything like that when a dear loved one passed away. But, I did buy a small bench and had it placed in the area of her grave. Until then there was no where for all the family members of the many gravesites to sit except the ground. She was a very giving person and I knew that she would see that as a way that she could keep giving to people even from beyond. I like to imagine that it made her happy.
I'm glad you're able to start looking forward and I'm sure Dylan will be too. My prayers are with you and yours.
posted on August 31, 2001 09:38:47 PM new
There is no such thing as selfish grief. We all grieve in our own way and for as long as it takes to come to terms with it. When the time comes to shake it off and rejoin life you will know. I am sorry you feel such pain.
posted on August 31, 2001 09:54:41 PM new
There is no way I can comfort you, I wish I could. I don't possess the skills nor knowledge nor eloquence, I'm not a philosopher. There is a book I think that might help you, go to any large bookstore and you should find it. "A Grief Observed" has some beautiful text that deals with loss of a loved one. It was written by C. S. Lewis and he deals with his grief over the death of his wife. C. S. Lewis was a theologian, but more than that I think he was one of the brightest philosophers of the 20th century. Give the book a glance, he might have the skills and knowledge and eloquence to help. It might be the cheapest therapy you can get.
posted on August 31, 2001 10:02:34 PM newashlandtrader: you don't sound selfish at all. It sounds like you have finally come to terms with your loss, which can take longer for some than others.
posted on September 1, 2001 03:55:33 AM new
ashlandtrader,
I am very sorry for your loss.
Your grief is not selfish...I have seen in my family two sisters and one niece that have lost children. For a mother to lose a child, is one of the hardest to accept.
One of my sisters lost three of her children in a car accident by a DUI driver. She did go on, but the sadness was always there. Just before she passed away...the last thing she said was that she saw her children, and they were there...waiting for her.
Another sister lost a child, but she never talkes about it. She keeps it all inside.
A niece of mine, lost a child due to the fault of a doctor. She has a hard time on his birthday, but found comfort by attending memorial services at the cemetery where he was laid to rest. Once a year, Family of loved ones go to this, and it is a great healing for them. She also went for counsling with her daughter. It helped them both, as her daughter was having a hard time handling the loss.
[ edited by ashadowdancer on Sep 1, 2001 04:13 AM ]
posted on September 1, 2001 04:40:28 AM new
Perhaps grief is by definition selfish because it is ours alone and not fully shared by others but unlike any other selfish feeling, so what does it take away from anyone else? Let it play out - It sounds like it is already - and make sure you don't hurt the ones you have left by making it seem you value the one that is gone more than them.
posted on September 1, 2001 07:00:29 AM new
ashlandtrader, so sorry for your loss....I don't believe that grief is selfish, but rather, personal. An individual feeling that will be handed differently by different people, with no absolute timetable for an end. If you are feeling (as you posted) that you are seeing a light at the end of your tunnel, one that may signify time for change, and a time to begin seeing what you do have to be thankful for more clearly, you do owe it to yourself to explore those feelings. Maybe the book suggested above, or maybe talking with a support group or therapist will help you to sort out your feelings, and to go forward in a direction that works for you...
Perhaps, Dylan is now your guardian angel. Playing with his stars and watching over you all. Someday you will meet again, but in the meantime, make him proud..
posted on September 1, 2001 07:31:54 AM new
I am sorry to hear of your loss, ashlander. My two year old son died a while back and it took me ten years to come to grips with my grief. It also took some professional help, as I did not want to burden anyone I knew with how I felt and needed anti-depressants to help work it out. I will always carry the pain of that trajedy, but at least I can function nowadays. Professional help is only a slight effort away.
posted on September 1, 2001 07:53:47 AM new
Hi all,
Thanks for all of your many kind and thoughtful replies. I was just checking AW before taking off for the weekend (a getaway from Ebay, Horray!). I appreciate all of your comments and hope that each of you has a good holiday weekend.
Take care!
Vanessa
posted on September 1, 2001 11:19:20 PM newashlander: , I only wish to say to you that your body is a gift from your parents and that your life is a gift from the Creator. It is unwise to waste either gift by harboring the pain of your grief and holding it all within yourself. To survive your pain you must understand it. By understanding your pain, you become compassionate. Give your pain a purpose and give some meaning to an otherwise meaningless death. That is what I do.
posted on September 2, 2001 08:27:38 AM newAshlandtrader: Were you ever able to find "Crossing Over with John Edward" in your local listings? I know the show is now on CBS during the weekdays, so please try to watch it. John Edward is amazing in what he does.
posted on September 3, 2001 09:32:27 PM new
Hi Muriel,
I did. They just started showing it here and I have watched it a few times now. I really like it.
Thanks Borillar! I am definitely starting to understand things a little bit better.
Will post again later-- I just got home and am too tired to compute! Hope you all had a pleasant weekend.
Vanessa
