posted on January 31, 2002 12:22:11 AM new
---"Good evenin' my fellow Americans. First of all, I want all you
Congress folks to ditch the phony clappin' and laughin' on cue tonight
because I'm here to get real with you. So shut up and listen instead of
worryin' about whether you're schmoozin' in all the right places. Now
Daddy, I know you're watchin' this and for once, I'm gonna talk to you
and you're gonna have to listen without buttin' in or givin' me that look
you give me every time I try to get through to you.
----Ya know I have been having trouble sleeping nights for quite a while
now. No -- it ain't because I'm worryin' about terr'rism or about the
economy -- there's enough folks already worryin' about that. Nope. I
can't sleep nights because I'm just sick and tired of livin' somebody
else's life. I never wanted to be president. Hell, I never wanted to be
governor! I would have been happy as a pig in clover if I coulda just
been left alone from about the time I was in high school. But Daddy,
you just wouldn't leave me alone. I just couldn't ever please you --
always wantin' me to be just like you, act like you, think like you, want
what you want. Always wantin' to show off to your friends what a
smart, ambitious bunch of boys you had, gonna take over the world
someday. But you and I both know, Daddy, that I wasn't smart -- least
not the way you wanted. And I ain't never been ambitious. You're the
one who's ambitious -- not me. In fact, you're so power hungry I think
sometimes you're crazy. I just wanted to enjoy my life and do something
decent with it. When I told you I wanted to teach elementary school,
you just about laughed your head off. Said no Bush boy was gonna be
less than a governor -- or at least the CEO of some damn company. You
never knew what it was like to never have anyone give a damn about
you for who you really were inside. I just wanted to be my own man,
but you never let me.
----When I told you I didn't want to go to Yale -- I wanted to stay in
Texas where I belonged and even go to a community college first if I
had to cause of my grades, you said if I did you'd make sure I never saw
another dime. You fixed it so I could go to Yale, cause that's where you
went. And I hated every damn minute I was there that I was sober.
Guess that's why I stayed drunk.
----But you wouldn't even let me screw up on my own. And, damn, I
tried -- figured it was my only way out. You kept bailin' me out and
fixin' things, bailin' me out and fixin things. So thanks to you, I not only
got to be a screw up, I got to be a coward and a liar too. All 'cause of
you and the goddamn Bush name, whatever the hell that means
anymore! Hell, you wouldn't even let me pick my own religion. I told
you and Mamma I didn't know what I believed and you dragged me
over to Billy Graham's house and told me I'd better get some "God"
cause that's what the American people expected -- you said it didn't
matter to you what I believed long as it looked good on the outside.
----Well, you almost won. You almost convinced me I wasn't any good
without you and your friends. Just a dumb screw-up who'd probably be
in jail or on skid row without you. Well, I don't buy it any more. I woke
up the other day and it finally hit me. I'm the Goddamned President of
the United States. I'm George W. Bush -- you got that, Daddy? George
W! Not George H. Not Neil, the "smart one," not Jeb, the "good-lookin'
one." They did what you wanted and look at them -- one of 'em bilked
little old ladies out of their savings, the other one payin' off half the folks
in his state to keep them quiet so he can stay out of jail. That's what
bein' Daddy's boys has got them.
----Well, I'm not gonna be Daddy's boy. Or Daddy's friends' boy. I don't
owe you anything and ya know what -- I never did. Not for anything
that really matters in this life.. I don't owe you a damn thing. You and
your friends've been pilin' the money up around me so long I couldn't
see over the top of it. Couldn't see what was really goin' on.
----But you ain't gonna use me anymore. You and Dick and Donny and
Condy and Colin and Karl all the rest of that pack of money-grubbin' old
dinosaurs and losers you pushed off on me can go jump in the Potomac.
From now on, I call the shots. I don't need to ask anyone what to think.
From now on I'm just gonna be me. I've been doin' some readin' about
what you and your pals have been up to the past 30 years and what
amazes me is that you had me fooled so long with that "great man"
routine. Always makin' me feel like I was nothin'. But I know who you
are now ...You're a power-grubbin' old son of a #*!@ who has hurt too
many people, messed up too many decent countries, told too many lies.
I stopped sleepin' nights when I realized that the real evildoers were right
here under my own nose.
----You know that terrorism thing? Well, I got my suspicions, Daddy --
So I'm gonna have a real investigation now into what happened on Sept.
11. And if the trail leads to the CIA's door, -- or even to your door, well,
like you always said, "I can't afford to be sentimental." I'm workin' for
the American people from here on out -- nobody else.
----Which brings me to the economy. You and your buddies told me to
keep on spendin' till I bankrupt the government, so you could step in and
privatize everything and do away with all the regulations and stuff you
been wanted to do away with all along. Well, I ain't gonna do it. I've
gotten a chance to see just what a great job the corporations do runnin'
things. Real great. Like Enron -- there's another thing I want to talk
about.
----Ken Lay and his buddies piled up the money around me and then
tried to tell me what to do. You told me to be nice to Ken cause you and
he were cuttin' deals here and over in India and Afghanistan. I let Ken
and Jim Baker and that old fossil Henry Kissinger take over the energy
plan 'cause I figured they knew what they were doin'. Oh, they sure
knew all right. And who do you think they're gonna let take the fall for
everything if it goes bad? Me. But if I go down, at least I'm gonna go
down honest.
----I am appointing a special investigator into Enron, and I'm gonna pick
somebody tough that doesn't owe anybody any favors. It may take me
half a year to find anyone like that in this kiss-ass town, but I'll find
someone. And I'm gonna release that list of names on the energy task
force to the public. That oughta make you happy, Daddy -- they're all
your friends. Now let's watch 'em squirm. That'll be the most
satisfaction I've gotten since the look on your face the time I got drunk,
told you to go to hell, and threw up on the rug in front of all your fancy
friends at that party that time in Texas.
----As to the budget. I'm gonna stick with my tax cut. But I'm gonna
change it just a little bit -- I'm gonna double the cut to everybody makin'
under $100,000, and to pay for it, I'm gonna double the tax on
everybody makin' over $100,000. How do you like that, Daddy?
----And the war on terr'r -- that's a joke. All those experts I called in --
the real experts -- told me there wasn't any real way to stop terrorism
except to change our ways. But that wasn't what Donny and Dick
wanted to hear, so they dragged in their own "experts" and for a while, I
got so confused I didn't know which way was up. In fact, every damn
time I think I got a handle on something right, you guys drag in some old
toad who tells me just the opposite of what my first idea was. Thanks to
you, Daddy, I'm gonna have to live with all those people we killed in
Afghanistan on my conscience for the rest of my life. We didn't need to
go in there and bomb like that, and you know it. You just didn't want
any of the Taliban to come out alive 'cause they knew too much about
you and your pals and what you made me do. The worst part is, I know
that you've known all along where Osama bin Laden is. You even made
sure he had a kidney machine. I couldn't believe it when I found that
out.
----But you made me have to be the liar, and the guy callin' your shots.
Right after the 9/11 attack, I wanted to hold off taking military action --
it just didn't seem to make real sense to me. But you told me to go for it
-- this was my chance to be a war-time president, only this time I could
keep the war goin' forever! It was then that I got a feelin' in my gut you
had something to do with that whole Sept. 11 thing, but I ignored it
cause I didn't want to believe it.
----Now I'm startin' to see that my gut feelings are usually the right ones.
They've just gotten lost when you step in with your phony experts and
your guilt trips and confuse me. But you aren't gonna confuse me
anymore. So, here goes!
----Donny Rumsfeld -- you are fired, effective right now. You, too,
Condy -- you don't know anymore about foreign affairs than the guy
who brings me the paper each morning. I'm gonna get some people in
here who know what they're doing and aren't on the take from anybody.
I know there's got to be a few folks like that left and I'm gonna find em.
Then we're gonna set up a task force on America's policies overseas and
find out just what we've been doing wrong and we're gonna fix it.
----Now, about John Ashcroft. That was the biggest mistake I made
since I got in here. That guy gives me the creeps -- he reminds me of
something left over from the Spanish Inquisition. I kept hopin' the
Senate would override his nomination -- I thought to myself, well, I'll get
off the hook on this one cause nobody in their right minds will OK this
son of a #*!@. Hell, the people of Missouri were smart enough to can his
butt! But those folks in Congress are just as much on the take as you
and your buddies, Daddy. But I am gonna send Mr. Ashcroft packing --
back to Missouri. Maybe he can get a job as a prison warden in some
backwoods town and play out his "Deliverance" fantasies there. But he's
not staying here on my watch.
----"OK, Dick, now for you. I know gettin' rid of you is gonna be tough
because you were elected -- not legally, of course, but Daddy's pals on
the Supreme Court made sure we made it to the inauguration. I kept
hoping that wimp Al Gore would refuse to concede and then maybe I'd
get off the hook and not have to go through with this whole shootin'
match. But he's just like everybody else in this town -- he'll roll over if
he thinks there's a chance you'll scratch him behind the ears. I'm sick to
death of you callin' me every time I turn around tryin' to put get me to
do what you want and all the while tellin' me how much you're lookin'
out for me. You think I don't know when you say you have an "idea"
for me that you mean you have an order? From now on, you listen to
my ideas. By the way, as of tonight, you are coming out of that damn
bunker and if you can't make it through the day without a plainclothes
heart specialist 10 feet away, I wanna see your resignation on my desk
tomorrow. And, just to warn you, after we get a special prosecutor for
this Enron thing and for the energy task force list, I plan to be the first in
line to testify."
----And one last thing, Daddy. I'm sick and tired of havin' to be a trained
circus dog for your pals at the media. If I find one word of this speech
has been cut, that one lousy spin doctor has been brought in to "fix it," I
will go out on the White House lawn down by the fence on Pennsylvania
Avenue during rush hour and moon the traffic. Try spinning that!
----So, for you Americans out there watching this, I hope you will
forgive me for nearly selling you all out -- I was confused and scared
and didn't know what I believed about anything when I came to this
town. But if you'll give me another chance, I will start acting like a real
President -- something we ain't had in here since Jimmy Carter got
chewed up and spit out.
----I may not be the smartest guy to come into this town, or the one with
the cleanest record. But I want to have a shot at provin' to you that I do
care about my fellow Americans. Not the phony carin' like my Daddy
and his friends want me to show you, but real carin', which means bein'
honest and doin' the best I can. Even fallin' on my face for the right
reasons.
----(Turns to Congress) As for you, you big pack of ass-kissin', phony
money-grubbers! You'd better stop tryin' to cozy up to me and start
doing your jobs, or I'm gonna start spillin' what I know at each press
conference from here on out! That's right. I've come clean and I don't
have anything to lose. And man, oh, man, thanks to Daddy's friends at
the CIA, do I ever have the goods on each and every one of you.
----(Turns back to camera). So that's all I have to say ... except for one
more thing:
----"God Bless America!" And this time, I really mean it!
posted on January 31, 2002 09:32:09 AM new
If he had been raised in another family, he might be happily working on his level of competence... somewhere...
