posted on June 12, 2002 06:39:35 PM new
So a dog goes into a bank looking for a loan. He goes up to Ms. Pattiwack, the teller. "Can I help you?" asked Ms. Pattiwack. The dog responds, "Yes, I'd like to take out a loan." Ms. Pattiwack then asks the dog what he has for collateral. "Well, I have this here Widget." "Just one minute", the teller says and goes over to a loan officer. "Yes, Ms. Pattiwack?", the loan officer asks. "Well Sir, I have this dog over there who is looking for a loan." "So?", asked the loan guy. "Well, he says what he has for collateral is a widget. What's a widget?"
"That's a knick-knack Pattiwack, give the dog a loan!"
posted on June 12, 2002 06:51:20 PM new
If you LOVE something...
Set it free!
If it comes back...
It will always be yours!
If it doesn't come back...
It was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, watches your TV, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't
appear to realize that you set it free...
posted on June 12, 2002 07:17:27 PM new
What a difference 30 years makes...
1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1970: Keg
2000: EKG
1970: Acid Rock
2000: Acid Reflux
1970: Moving to California because it's cool
2000: Moving to California because it's warm
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
1970: US president's struggle with Fidel
2000: US president's struggle with fidelity
1970: Paar
2000: AARP
1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer
1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM
1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000: Getting a new hip joint
1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones
1970: Being called into the principal's office
2000: Calling the principal's office
1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system
1970: Peace sign
2000: Mercedes logo
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1970: Take acid
2000: Take antacid
1970: Passing the driver's test
2000: Passing the vision test
posted on June 12, 2002 07:30:56 PM new
Warning. This one is gross (what did you expect from ol tacky Hep?)
A drunk goes in a bar, broke, wanting a drink. He asks the bartender if there is anything he can do to get a snort, and the bartender get a devious look on his face. "Why sure, buddy. I will give you a WHOLE BOTTLE if you take a sip out of that there full spittoon over yonder. Just one sip. Then the bottle is yours". The drunk guy makes a face, but hes needing that drink bad, so he says "Ok..I will do it!". So he goes to the spittoon and picks it up gingerly, and it sloshes around some, but the drunk ignores it. He tentatively brings it to his lips and take a small sip...but instead of stopping after that one sip, he continues on..and on...and on...glugging and glugging, the slop sloshing around the brass sides discolored from years of spits and hawks....the bartender is turning green watching this and yells "HEY MISTER!! STOP! I SAID JUST A SIP! OH GAWD! STOP!" and the drunk just continues on...head tilted back, adams apple bobbing up and down, glugg glugg glugg. When the spittoon is empty, the drunk wipes his slimey mouth with the back of his shaking hand and the bartender gapes at him, sick himself, and asks "WHY did you drink the whole thing?? I said just a sip!" and the drunk wearily replied "I couldnt stop. It was all in one string".
posted on June 13, 2002 08:59:22 AM new
No joke [which I think is a GREAT idea!] but rather a few thoughts:
Love is grand...........
Divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape.............
Round is a shape.
Never be afraid to try something new..........
Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts.........
when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap.............
because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track...........
you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common..............
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world...............
A pessimist fears that this is true.
There will always be death and taxes;
However, death doesn't get worse every year.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever.............
So far, so good.
Practice safe eating----------
always use condiments.
If marriage were outlawed............
only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.............
Sometimes age comes alone.
And this one is the real truth, so pay attention:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old................
you grow old because you stopped laughing.
posted on June 13, 2002 10:00:53 PM new"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier...just as long as I'm the dictator..."
--Bush, Jr. ,Washington, DC, Dec 18, 2000, during his first trip to Washington as President-Elect--
posted on June 14, 2002 11:48:40 AM new
>>"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier...just as long as I'm the dictator..."
--Bush, Jr. ,Washington, DC, Dec 18, 2000, during his first trip to Washington as President-Elect--
What? I don't hear you laughing . . .<<
Borillarlala: This cinched it. You remind me of a column they do in the Onion once in a while. I can't remember one precisely so I'll make up a bad example.
Let's call this week's column "Dear Man Who Cares Only About His Aquarium."
"Dear Man Who Only Cares About His Aquarium,
Our beloved grandmother recently died after a long bout with Lymphoma.
Her Will was simple. My sister and I were to split her estate between ourselves.
Now we are having a major disagreement on the handling of a pair of identical 18th century sterling candelabras. She thinks we should take one each and I am adament that they are a set and should not be seperated. I feel so strongly about this I even offered her that we sell them as a pair, as to maintain their integrity, and split the money. But nooooooooo! She wants one for herself. She won't even take the two and compensate me somehow for the other. Not to mention there's no way no how that Grandma would want to see them seperated!
Do you think I'm being unreasonable?
Wringing Hands"
"Dear Wringing Hands,
You know, I remember early on when I started keeping tropical fish that I get getting that green water, which of course us Pros know is abundant algae due to too much light being allowed into the tank. I mean, who would have figured that one out on their own, huh? Equally important is that the serious enthusiast should consider getting herself a better infiltration system..."
You were a good boy in the Baseball Glove and Scrotums thread tho'.
posted on June 14, 2002 12:17:37 PM new
"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier...just as long as I'm the dictator..."
--Bush, Jr. ,Washington, DC, Dec 18, 2000, during his first trip to Washington as President-Elect--
What? I don't hear you laughing
Right, Borillar!
It's not funny any more because the surprise element is gone. No punchline - we might as well say, "The sky is blue" and expect somebody to laugh.
posted on June 15, 2002 12:43:38 PM new
A Joke that uses the rule of three and the prop the "Red herring"
A conductor was on the train collecting the passenger's tickets. When he got to an aged man, he asked him for his ticket. The man replied "I was in such a hurry to catch this train, I did not have time to purchase a ticket. Do you think you can overlook it this one time?" Well, the conductor replied "I am sorry sit, but this is my job. I will have to escort you off the train." And with that he grabbed the man and threw him out of the moving train, killing him.
Well, of course the authorities arrested him and charged him with a capital murder. When he was convicted, he was sentenced to die in the electric chair. The day of his execution came and as he was being led to the chair, they asked him if he had any last requests. "Yes, I would like a banana." Well they gave him a banana and after he finished it, they strapped him into the chair. They threw the switch once, nothing happened. They threw the switch a second time, still nothing happened. According to the laws of the state, the sentence had been carried out and they had to release him.
He was able to get his old job as a conductor back. But a few months later as he was collecting tickets he came upon the teenager. When he asked the teenager for his ticket, he replied "I ain't got no ticket! Whatcha gonna do, throw me off the train!?" Which theconductor promptly did killing the teenager.
Again he was arrested, tried, convicted and sentenced to die in the electric chair. A second time, as he was being led to the chair, they asked if he had any last requests. "I would like a banana", he replied. After he finished it, they strapped him into the chair. They threw the switch once, nothing happened. They threw the switch a second time, still nothing happened. According to the laws of the state, the sentence had been carried out and they had to release him.
Again, he got his old job back as a conductor. And again, a few month later as he was collecting ticket, he asked a voluptuos young lady for her ticket. She replied, "I haven't got a ticket, but I can make it worth you while at the next station. Unfortunately for the lady, old habits are hard to break and she was thrown from the train and killed.
Once again he was arrested, tried, convicted and sentenced to die in the electric chair. Before they took him to the chair this time, they thoroughly had it checked out, testing it on several other prisoners first. It was in excellent working order. The third time came and as he was being led to the chair, they asked if he had any last requests. "I would like a banana", he replied. After he finished it, they strapped him into the chair. But first they checked all the electrode and connection to make sure he hadn't blocked them with pieces of banana. Finally, they felt they were ready. They threw the switch once, nothing happened. They threw the switch a second time, still nothing
happened. According to the laws of the state, the sentence had been carried out and they had to release him.
Well the prison warden was livid. Three failure on this guy in a row. So he asked,
"What is it about those bananas that protect you?!?"
"I don't know, I just like bananas"
"Then why can't we electrocute you!?!"
(Abandon all hope all ye who proceed further)
"Maybe I'm not a very good conductor."
Don't say I didn't warn you
There are only 10 types of people in the world
Those who understand binary and those who don't
[ edited by mlecher on Jun 15, 2002 12:44 PM ]
posted on June 15, 2002 10:07:27 PM new
Well the kids come up to me and ask hey, big dogs make little bogs right ?
Why sure I said,
and Big cats make little cats right, Thinking I was getting off easy I said why thats right,
then they said then home come big trains dont make little trains?
Well I said you got to go ask yer Ma,
She stood there glaring at me as the kids went up and said,
big dogs make little dogs right ?
Yes of course they do she answered.
and big cats make little cats don't they ?
Well Yes your very right, their Mother answered them.
then how come big trains dont make little trains ? well she said this is the type of question they answer at the railroad. So we have to go see them.
Once they got to the headquarters of the famous Soo Line railroad the Children were frantic in their pursuit of a conductor.
Mr Conductor our ma and pa said you could answer questions they could not. Can you can you please ? Why sure you young ums just sit still and Ask away, he said.
Well Mr Conductor if big dogs make little dogs right ? Yes (said the conductor) and Big cats make little cats ? Yes (said the conductor) Then
How Come Big Trains Don't Make Little Trains Mr Conductor ?
Well said the Conductor as he Pushed back his hat and looked at his watch,
)